Fever

The waves crashed with the rhythm of my heart, beating erratically in my chest. Why had I come? Why did I let Jasmine trick me into this? I stood alone at the edge of the gravel parking spaces, looking down at the group of classmates. Jasmine, of course, was standing right next to Kennedy, hanging onto every word he said. Or maybe it was he who was doing the hanging. I couldn’t tell, and frankly, Jasmine’s flirting was the least of my concerns.

I checked my watch compulsively, counting down the seconds until Jacob would walk back into my life. Of course, this morning, that was the last thing on my mind. I still felt uneasy, like I was doing something terrible. Like in third grade when you cheated on a spelling test for half a mark, just to weasel your way into fifty percent. I felt like a cheater, and all of the built up guilt that I stored in the back of my mind suddenly exploded, and it felt like my mother was standing over my shoulder, shaking her head in disappointment.

I could have run home, if I wanted to. I could have left Jacob without a note, message, call, or my presence, and gone back to my mother. Back to my life before he strode into it. What was so special about me, anyway? I was Kayla Harris, a half-breed that was trying to fit into a world where I didn’t belong. I had one friend, I never did anything but study, and it wasn’t a secret that I played it safe. I remember when they moved on from the Indian jokes to my mother’s upbringing. How many years had these kids sent me home in tears? Why did they deserve to have me try to fit in with them, they clearly didn’t deserve it.

I think it was more the fact that my mother wanted me to fit in. She, of course, tried her best to act like there was no difference between her and the next inhabitant. I never realised it, but my mother was going through the same oppression that I was. Most of the town had become to accept our skin colour, and some even co-existed with the Quileute, but it didn’t change the fact that there was still some scepticism throughout Forks.

Why did we have to fit in? Why couldn’t we just be who we are? I know that she held some form of indignation against her people, against her heritage, but it was for different reasons. It had been years since she left the reservation, and here she was, still smiting them. Maybe my mother was just a bitter woman. The Quileute had got over it, why hadn’t she? I suppose she was waiting for an apology to be hand-delivered to her door. But I think it was in our blood to be stubborn.

When I was younger, I remember my father tried to bring the topic to the surface. He had wanted their child to know who she was, but my mother refused. I didn’t know why I was different until I was twelve, and my father told me in secret. He brought on a thunderstorm after that, endless fighting night after night, but eventually it ended, and we never spoke or heard of it again. I knew my father’s heart was in the right place, but my mother’ stubborn streak was blocking hers.

Would I have been better off if he never told me why? Why I didn’t get to meet my mother’s side of the family? Why I was picked on? Why my skin was a different colour than his? I didn’t know, but the memories that were swirling inside my head were making my eyes sting and my heart drop. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be here, I knew I should be at home. But there was something alit inside of me that needed to do this. Maybe it was because of that night, when my father went against my mother and told me of my heritage, my grandparents, how my mother was when she was young. Whatever the cause, it gave me some kind of motive to stand there, with the wind biting at my skin and blowing my hair from my face, waiting for a piece of another life.

Slowly, Jacob was becoming less like a man that infiltrated my thoughts, to a symbol of what I had been hiding from my entire life. Maybe this was what I was waiting for - a reason to break from my routine, my every day life. But did it have to come so soon? I was nearing the end of high school, and my mother was steadily locking her grip on my future. Maybe there was some form of fate out there that brought both of us to that party, that night. Somewhere along the lines of my life, I was meant to cross paths with him. Jacob was a reminder that I controlled my life, not my mother.

This surge of passion infiltrated my body with such intensity that I wasn’t aware that I was still standing on the ground. Not only that, but my heart felt like it had grown wings and was trying to take off. I was in such a whirlwind of emotions that I hardly noticed a figure appear at the edge of my vision, walking up the beach with a steady pace. I was so focused on the sensation in my chest that when he entered my line of sight, it took me a split second to recognise his lopsided grin and sparkling eyes.

But that split-second was long enough for my tongue to tie itself into knots and my knees to turn to jelly. I caught his eyes, dangerously, and watched him approach. A few of the other bodies on the beach turned heads to look at the young man walking with a pair of jeans torn at the knees and a grey shirt that was missing the sleeves. I watched, admired, as he strode so confidently up the beach with his eyes trained on me. His eyes didn’t even stray as he stepped up onto the rocks that surrounded the edge of the beach.

In his eyes, I didn’t feel like Kayla Harris, the half-breed anymore. I couldn’t explain it, but the way his eyes fell on me made me forget who I was, or what I had been through. Standing there, I was a girl lost in his smouldering gaze.

“I’m not late, am I?” he smiled.

I didn’t know if I could find my voice, so I shook my head slowly, a small smile creeping up onto my face. I had always been happy to see him, in the end, but this was the first expected appearance he had ever made. Having him merely show up was enough to have my words melt in my mouth.

“Did I dress down for the occasion?” he asked, trying to break the seal on my lips.

I looked down at myself, and then up at him in confusion. Although I had tried to look my best for him, I also tried to make it practical for being down at the beach. I wore patterned rubber boots that matched the scarf I wore, a pair of dark-washed jeans, and a navy blue coat that was far from water repellent. I thought I looked as if I didn’t try, but in comparison to Jacob’s casual wear, I could understand.

“I’m sorry - you look great, really,” he chuckled, “I should have worded it differently.”

I shrugged, “It’s okay. I don’t think the occasion calls for anything, really.”

“Just you and me, right?” he winked.

My cheeks burned around the apples, and I had to avert my gaze down to the shore. I could see Jasmine’s hair blowing wildly in the wind, her cheeks tinged pink from the spray, and her eyes, even from afar, glinting with happiness. She threw her thumbs into the air, and threw in a wave for Jacob, causing a few others to gaze over at the pair of us. With the eyes so focused, I started to grow uncomfortable. The feeling of being watched had that guilty conscious sneak back into the front of my mind. And I didn’t want to ruin this, no matter what I had thought this morning.

I wanted to be here, standing with Jacob. I wanted to find out if this was all worth it. I needed to know if I had chosen the other path, if I would have missed out.

“I don’t know what you had in mind, really,” I said quietly, tucking a rogue strand of hair behind my ear.

He shrugged with his hands in his pockets, “As long as you’re here, we can do anything you want.”

I sucked my bottom lip in between my teeth and tried to find some level with my body. If Jacob kept spitting flattery out, I didn’t think I could move from this spot for the rest of the day. So I decided, taking a leaf from Jasmine’s book, to take the initiative.

“Do you want to go for a walk down the beach? Away from my stupid friend?” I asked, my voice still timid.

“I’m down for anything.”

“I know you probably walk down this beach everyday,” I continued, “so if you don’t want to, we don’t have to.”

“This time it’s different than before,” he smiled, “you’re here with me.”

He took a step towards the beach, his eyes sparkling through the cloudy weather. I couldn’t stop my mouth from lifting into a smile, or allowing my hand to fall into his outstretched one. I moved without a single thought, following him down the beach, over the ragged rocks, and finally, away from Jasmine. My heart was thundering, echoing the sound of the waves as they threw themselves against the rocks. I threw one glance backwards at Jasmine, eyes still following me, before I let her go and continued down the beach with Jacob, finally alone.