Fever

The next few days, there was a tension in the house that was so thick that it was hard to wade through conversations during mealtimes. My father, although normally a quiet man, kept more to himself and only moved his lips when he ate. I knew that it wasn’t a problem I could readily solve, and stayed out of their business for the most part. At times when I thought my mother wasn’t paying attention, I would try and pay my thanks to my father through eye contact, a small gesture, or even the slightest touch. But she was like a hawk, and her senses were starting to hone in on my actions more than usual.

In fact, more than usual was her persistence to know what I was doing and where I was doing it. It seems that the arguments that they kept having weren’t impacting my mother’s stubborn nature, and she seemed to cling more to my activities. I hadn’t made an effort to call or even arrange another meeting time with Jacob, but I knew that this weekend I was planning on seeing him again. With the cover of Seattle, I had the whole day with him to find out more about this mysterious man. My only concern was how far my mother was going to go in trying to find out my itinerary for the weekend.

Before, I told her what I was doing and what time I would be home on impulse. But lately I had been neglecting information, coming home a bit later than my curfew, and grew more vague on details of what I was doing. I didn’t blame my mother for being suspicious, but it wasn’t so much that I was hiding something, it was that I was tired. I was tired of her hanging onto every move and every decision I made. She had to learn that I wasn’t twelve anymore, and I didn’t need her help making the right choices. I was growing up, and she couldn’t handle that.

I waited until the shower turned on, and then I crept out of my room and down the hall to where my father was watching the morning news. He was dressed in his work clothes, his tie lazily draped over his neck as he held the mug of coffee to his lips.

“Anything good on?” I asked quietly, leaning against the doorway.

“Just a couple of nut cases talking about bears,” he chuckled. “Tourists don’t know that they hibernate in the winter.”

I smiled, “So, this weekend is when Jasmine and I go to Seattle.”

“So it is,” he mumbled, taking another mouthful of coffee.

“Is Mom going to let me go? Or is she going to insist that I let her come with us?”

He put his mug down, his eyes not leaving the television, and he began to put on his tie, “You’re going to have to ask her.”

“Dad,” I sighed, “you know how she’s being right now. She’s going to ask me to write up a play-by-play for her.”

“She is your mother, you know.”

“I know that, but-“

“But she’s your mother, and she cares.”

“A little too much if you ask me.”

He stopped tying the striped material and turned his stare, suddenly making me feel terrible for coming to him like this. They had been arguing over this very fact, and here I was trying to fuel another argument.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered.

“Maybe she does, but you’re her little girl.”

“I don’t think she understands that I’m not little anymore, Dad,” I crossed my arms over my chest. “I just want her to be normal, say ‘have fun’ and let me go.”

“What are you telling me this for?” he asked, the corners of his lips arching upwards.

“I’m getting consent before I go into the belly of the beast,” I smiled, pushing off of the wall and moving forward to hug him. “I’m sorry if I’m the cause of your fighting.”

His body stiffened slightly as he wrapped his arms around me tightly, “Kayla, it’s not your fault, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I heard you guys the other night,” I mumbled into his shirt.

“Just because you’re the topic, doesn’t mean anything.”

I looked up at him, “I may not be an adult yet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand adult matters.”

He smiled, ruffling my hair affectionately, “And that is why when your mother gets out of the shower, you’ll ask her yourself.”

I groaned, “fine.”

“Now go get ready for school, or else it will be your fault.”

He gave me a nudge out of the room and I moved swiftly back down the hall, listening as the taps shut off and the shower curtain was tugged aside. I slipped into my room and closed the door softly, hoping that she didn’t hear me leave the room. I didn’t want to get my father in trouble again.

I began to get ready for school, moving mechanically through my room as my mind began to formulate possible dialogues that would ensue if I brought the word ‘Seattle’ into a discussion with my mother. I knew that she would be far more hostile to the idea now that there was added tension in the house, and the fact that I was causing her more stress and worry. I never tried to cause worry, or any extensive emotional state, but my mother had her own habits that led to those extremes.

I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to put on a stoic, serious face that would hopefully strengthen my cause. No matter how much prepping I did, I don’t think it would really matter what I said. My mother normally didn't listen to full speeches; she only heard keywords and then went off on a lecture about it. The words ‘Seattle’ and ‘Jasmine’ would be all she heard out of my argument. Just as I decided that it was time to ask, there was a knock at my door and my mother stuck her head through the gap.

“Can I come in?” she asked softly, a tone that was very suspicious for my mother.

“Y-yeah,” I cleared my throat, motioning to the bed, “Come on in.”

Her smile widened as she slipped into the room, closing the door behind her. I sunk to my mattress slowly, watching her very carefully. How could I not be suspicious? My mother wasn’t one to peek her head into my room; at most she would knock and then barge in.

“What’s up?” I asked, trying to hide my surprise.

“I just wanted to come in and chat.”

My mother didn’t ‘chat’; she lectured, stormed on, and argued. Or at least, she never found the time to ‘chat’ with me much, anymore.

“I’ve got to go to school in a bit,” I reminded her, “and you have to go to work.”

“Oh, I know,” she smiled, “I’ll make this quick.”

“Okay.”

She drew in a large breath and turned her eyes towards the opposite wall, “You have to realise that growing up isn’t an easy thing for anyone to handle, especially a mother. And in my case, you’re my only daughter. While I know that I sometimes put too much pressure on you, I want you to have the best life possible and that’s why I pressure you so much.

“Don’t think I’m not aware of my actions,” she laughed softly, “I am. M-my mother was the same way with me, and what did I do? I rebelled against her and did everything I could to make her mad. I thought she was trying to control me, when she was only trying to help me. Like you, I was her only daughter and she often cared too much for me. In the end, she ended up pushing me away after your father and I met, and-“ she paused to gather herself, “well, you know the story.”

Of all the things I had expected her to say, that was not it. My mother never liked to talk about her past, and even avoid certain terms that would strike memories with her. Both my father and I realised how much she had to go through for not only this family, but for herself, and we tried to be supportive. But I think my father thought that it was time to change, and I wanted to be with Jacob, no matter who he was. It had been over twenty years ago, and my mother had to change. Maybe this was her trying to.

“What I’m trying to say is that sometimes I come on a little bit too strong, but I am only trying to push you towards the best path in your life,” she turned to look at me, her eyes wet and glimmering. “I just don’t want to push you away, or even your father. I love you both so much, a-and I don’t want to turn into my mother. And I want you to know that I’m trying, but it’s in my nature to worry.”

I wasn’t sure how to reply, so I leaned forward and embraced her, hoping that the hug would somehow convey a response. Even now, I didn’t think that I could bring up the prospect of Seattle. Wouldn’t I look like a selfish daughter if I brought it up now? But I had to know, and she seemed to be in a sympathetic mood.

“Oh,” she laughed, pulling away. “I’m such a baby, look at me.” She wiped away the mascara from her eyes. “I’m going to have to re-do my makeup on the way to work.”

‘Seattle’ was on the tip of my tongue, and I had the breath to push it out, but my heart wouldn’t let me. I watched her get up, wiping the mascara from her eyes as she headed towards the door.

“I love you, Kayla. Don’t mistake my love for anything else, okay?” she asked with her hand on the doorknob.

“Okay mom, love you too.”

“But she looked so sad, I couldn’t ask her!”

Jasmine looked unimpressed, but didn’t say anything. I had a hard time re-telling the story of that morning to her, namely because I felt like I was violating my mother while doing so. But it was Jasmine, not some average citizen that didn’t know anything but my mother’s name. She had opened up to me in a way I hadn’t even seen before, and the first thing I did was tell Jasmine about it.

“Would you ask your mom to go to Seattle if she just told you she had cancer?” I countered.

She scoffed, “First off, if my mom had cancer, which she doesn’t, then the last thing on my mind would be Seattle. And secondly, your mom isn’t dying either.”

I rolled my eyes, “It’s still the same feeling. She poured her heart out there, Jaz. I couldn’t go and stomp all over it.”

“Try telling Jacob that.”

“I already feel like crap, and now you’re making it worse,” I groaned.

“You’re such a drama queen, Kay,” she smiled. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Kennedy and I have a lunch date in the courtyard.”

I stopped walking and stared at her, “Y-you’re ditching me?”

She shrugged, “It’s not like we were going to do anything special, yeah? Don’t you have to study for Biology or something?”

“Actually,” I said slowly, “you’re the one whose is failing Biology.”

“Oh.”

My heart dropped into my stomach and I watched as Jasmine’s eyes fell to the ground, her lips pursed in an attempt to try and make this as gentle as possible. Since we had been friends, Jasmine and I had always eaten lunch together. She knew that I didn’t have any other friends, which was why she made a point to even come to school when she was sick, and her parents told her to stay home.

I didn’t realise that with growing up came the need to be independent once in a while. I thought that breaking away from my mother was the most important thing in my life, not learning how to function without Jasmine. I thought I was going to cry when she had nothing more to explain herself, but I surprised even myself by pulling on a smile.

“It’s okay, I might as well get a jump on the homework for today. That way I have time to try and talk to my mom,” I tried to say as casually as possible. “You and Kennedy have fun, just keep it PG.”

Jasmine’s smile returned, even though she knew I was being nice, “Yeah, PG. I’ll see you in class.”

“Yep.”

The two of us stared awkwardly at each other, and I made the first move to leave. I turned around and began to walk away from my best friend, trying to stay calm and collected. But Jasmine was always the one that kept her cool; I was like a steam engine and needed her to help me cool off. I just kept moving, one foot after the other, until I was sure that she couldn’t see me anymore. I turned the corner and leaned against the wall, taking deep breaths as my eyes began to prickle. Who knew that growing up had to be so hard?