Fever

I sat on the edge of my bed with my naked pillow in my arms, deaf to the conversation between my parents and the sheriff that occurred just feet away from my bedroom door. Despite telling my father that they hadn’t taken anything, here sat the evidence that they had taken something. At first, a pillowcase seemed so unimportant – maybe that was why I lied to him. But now, a pillowcase seemed the perfect thing to take. What else in my room would be more saturated with my scent? They could have taken my bedspread or my sheets, but they weren’t as compact, not as small so that they wouldn’t go unnoticed. I felt like someone had stuck a stone in my gut.

My hands itched to dial Jacob’s number, to ask him what to do, but I knew that I couldn’t call him. Rather, I sat there sickly, staring at the pillow in my arms that was stained from years of use. There was a dark brown stain on the top corner from when I spilled hot chocolate on it during a sleepover at Jasmine’s, and then there was a lighter one from when my mom’s sweater bled in the wash. If the case were still here, I could count the tear stains across the material that had accumulated over the past few days.

“…like I said, she left as soon as something was out of place…no, she didn’t recognize him – Sheriff, really, let’s just leave her out of this for now, she’s gone through a lot…” my father’s voice bled through the crack in the door, faintly reaching me where I sat hunched over.

“Ed, I need to know all the facts-“

“Sheriff, my daughter has just gone through an ordeal, I would appreciate if you gave her – gave us – the decency of a few hours to get over the shock of this.”

“I’m sorry Denise,” the sheriff said softly, “just give us a call when she’s ready to talk, okay?”

There was a moment of silence that spread through the house that was interrupted only by the groaning of the hinges of my door as my mother pushed her head through the crack, an awkward smile sitting upon her lips. I glanced up at her, tearing my gaze from my defeated pillow, waiting for her to launch into whatever speech she had prepared. She hadn’t spoken to me after she discovered my betrayal – not that I blamed her – but now it felt strange when she came and sat down next to me, pretending that she wasn’t angry with me. The awkward smile sitting on her face wavered slightly and she settled for looking down at the ground rather than at me.

“The sheriff said he’d take care of everything,” she said hesitantly.

I nodded stiffly, knowing full well that there was nothing the sheriff could do but tell us not to worry. It was easy enough for him because he didn’t have to worry about being torn apart by giant wolves. To the town, it was just a rogue Grizzly. They lived in a sort of ignorance, in this small town, believing that everything was as it should be. My mother was included in this, sitting next to me, imagining that the sheriff could fix everything and our lives would return to normal. She should know that life was never going to be the same again, especially for me.

“He’d like to talk to you when you have time.”

“I didn’t see anything,” I muttered, bringing the pillow up to my chest.

“He’d like to talk to you anyway.”

There was a strain in her voice, as if she was trying to withhold whatever it was on the back of her tongue. I wasn’t about to force it out and so I sat there silently, trying to push aside the sick feeling that had manifested itself in my body.

“I know we’re not on the best of terms right now, but I want you to know that I still love you and worry about you.”

“Okay.”

My mother seemed to have expected some other kind of answer because she met my quiet words with a bout of irritation, one that was so familiar, “I understand how you feel right now, but that’s no need to be snotty with me.”

For the first time in what felt like ages, I found myself turning towards my mother and snapping at her, “Snotty? Really?” I paused to laugh sardonically, finding this surge or irritation so foreign. But at the same time, it felt like some of the weight I had been carrying was finally starting to roll off my shoulders. “If I wanted to be snotty I think I’d make more of an effort.”

I couldn’t remember the last time I had snapped back a retort at my mother, but we were both surprised at my tone that held her shell shocked for a moment. There was just something inside of me that was bubbling over and I was suddenly feeling what I should have felt when she tore me away from Jacob. I shouldn’t have just gotten into the car and let her take away the only thing important in my life; I should have fought for it. And now this urge was slowly creeping up through my body towards my mouth.

“Excuse me?”

“I understand that you care about me, but there are just some things that you can’t protect me from,” I said, my voice rising slightly.

Her lips drew into a thin line, “I did what was best for you.”

“Best for me?” I couldn’t control the words that were spilling out of my mouth, nor could I control just how frustrated I had become. “When have you ever done anything with my interests at hand? When have you ever stopped for just one second and asked me what I want?”

“What has gotten into you?” She stood up and towered over me.

I found myself rising to meet her challenge, tossing the naked pillow onto my bed as I stared her dead in the eye, “For years you have controlled me and told me what to do, but you can’t do that anymore, Mom. I’m growing up and you can’t stand to see it happen.”
When she didn’t respond, I continued, the words tumbling out of my mouth one after the other.

“You don’t understand that there isn’t always a quick fix to things, either! You can’t just hope that the sheriff fixes all of your problems! You can’t just hope that I will just forget about Jacob! I am a human being and you know what? I love Jacob! I love him and I’m not going to let you keep me from being with someone I care about!”

“You don’t think I understand?” her voice was hard and steady.

“If you understood how I feel then you wouldn’t be chaining me to this house like a prisoner!”
She looked away from me and then slowly moved towards the door. Before she left, she turned back towards me with a low fire in her eyes, “I’m disappointed in you Kayla. One day, you will understand that this is what’s best for you.”

And with that, she closed the door with a tight slam and left me shaking from the emotions that were battling inside of me. Despite the tornado of thoughts spinning around my head, I finally decided what I needed to do, no matter how my parents would feel about my decision. I had to find Jacob and I had to find him now.