Behind This Smile

I pretty much ran all the way home. I didn't know where my house was from the Ways'. I just hoped that I made it home in one piece. I had a lump in my throat, and I had to use all the strength I had left to not breakdown. I usually wasn't so weak, but for some reason, Gerard's opinions hurt. Like a blade through the heart.

I stopped running to catch my breath, and held my head in my hands. I realized that I had been crying since my face was wet. I quickly wiped the tears away, knowing that Gerard wasn't worth them, and tried to hide my eyes behind my bangs. I fell to the sidewalk and proceeded my heavy breathing. I hugged my knees to my chest and held back my sobs. I'm pretty sure I'm lost. I'm also sure I'm going to die. But right now seemed like a decent time.

I finally caught my breath and began walking again. I kept my hair in front of my eyes, just in case someone I didn't want to recognize me recognized me. I sighed and stuffed my hands in the pockets of my black skinny jeans. I walked fast, hoping I would get home soon. I glanced at the sky and saw the sun was setting so it had to be almost eight. I sighed again and squeezed my eyes shut, not even wanting the tears to fall.

--

I finally made it home. Around nine just about. Don't know how. I just found the street address, and I ran until I finally saw the too green grass of my lawn. I tried to open the front door, but found it was locked. I rang the doorbell a couple times and knocked loudly on the door, but no one answered. I bit my tongue to keep from screaming and kicked at the door a couple times. Nicola finally opened the door and I pushed her out of the way. I ran to my bedroom and slammed the door shut.I jumped face first on my bed and cried in my pillow.

--

Thursday went by fast, and I know it went by fast so I could see Gerard during lunch. I thought about skipping, pretending I was sick, but that meant letting Gerard win. And God knows that I was not letting Gerard Way win. Not today.

So, I didn't skip. I walked in the room, and smiled when Gerard wasn't there yet. This time, I get the cool chair. I sat down in it and Gerard came in shortly after. He glared at me and reluctantly sat down in the other chair. I remembered I didn't bring my MP3 player, and I sighed. Damn.

"I didn't mean to hit you," Gerard said coldly.

I rolled my eyes. "At dinner you sure as hell sounded like you did. Because I'm a bitch. Why are you calling me a bitch?" I knew that I wasn't going to let this slide. I hoped he knew, too. "You don't even know me enough to be calling me a bitch. I wear black, but so do you." I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to talk to him, but I felt like I had to. He needed to know that I'm just like everyone else.

Gerard sighed. He obviously didn't have anything to say. "Being a fuck to me isn't going to get my sister to fall in love with you," I whispered mostly to myself, but he heard it because he sent daggers at me.

"You think that's why I treat you like I do?!" he screamed.

I nodded. "Why else?" I decided to be mature and not scream back at him. "My sister likes people like her. You have to play a sport, you have to be able to fuck her every chance you get, no matter where. You are not the guy she wants," I stated bluntly.

He looked like he was fixing to slap me again. "You don't know that," he growled.

"The hell I don't!" Now I'll be immature. "You don't live with her. You don't deal with the fact that because of her, my life is a living hell. You make it even worse. You and her... you-you two are both assholes! You don't care whether or not I'll make it out of high school alive." I was on the verge on tears. When Mr. W said to talk things out, I don't think he meant this.

"I'm sorry your mom died. Okay? Why should I care whether you make it out alive? How do you know my life's not a living hell? You don't. So why are you judging me?" he yelled.

My jaw dropped. Judging him? "How the hell am I judging you? I don't look at you like a fucking freak because your brother beats you up, even though he doesn't. You think because my sister hates me, I have to die. Well, thanks but no thanks, I don't want to be counted in your hypocrisy." I got up and walked towards the door. "Don't follow me this time," I told him before walking out.