Behind This Smile

Needless to say, I was scared shitless for my dad. Something was wrong. I knew it. The thing I didn’t know was what was wrong. That’s kind of the important, missing information, here.

But I never asked my dad. He would’ve told me already. So this must’ve been a touchy subject for him. Most of my attention was focused on my dad now. I figured I was totally loosing my mind or I cared way too much.

Gerard obviously told Mikey because the next day, he hugged me and asked if I was okay numerous times. Of course I told him I was. Mikey worried too much about me. Gerard, though, he knew I wasn’t. In math he asked if it was because my dad pushed me, and I told him no. That wasn’t it. I forgave my dad about that. It was because I didn’t know. And it seemed like everyone else did.

I didn’t talk during lunch. I sat there, counting all the things that could possibly be wrong with my dad. He’s been puking, he’s been getting extremely pale, all the color is his eyes have faded, not to mention the bags and dark circles under his eyes.

The thing is, I felt like I should know what was wrong. It was as if I did, I’m just too stupid to figure anything out. Then again, maybe it’s too late to figure anything out. Maybe… Maybe he’s already…

I quickly pushed the thought out of my mind and held in the tears that immediately sprung to my eyes. I hoped that went un-noticed, but nothing ever gets by Mikey.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, bring the attention from everyone else to me, too.

“Nothing, Mikey. Just thinking.”

“Well, it’s nothing if what you’re thinking about has you almost crying.”

“Mikey,” Gerard said softly. “Just leave her alone, okay?”

Mikey grunted but didn’t say anything else.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. Hell, maybe nothing is wrong with my dad. Maybe he had a bad day yesterday. Maybe he’s getting paler because of age. Maybe he’s finally loosing all his light because he’s living life longer without Mom.

The sad thing was, I knew that wasn’t it.

--

“What’s bothering you, Syd?” Mikey asked while we were walking home.

I glanced at him. His eyes were shining bright. Almost like he was fixing to cry. “Mikey… There’s something… wrong with my dad. I know it. He just won’t tell me.”

Mikey raised his eyebrows. Then it seemed like realization hit him. But only for a second. “Do you have any guesses?” he asked.

“Do I have any guesses? Seriously, Mikey. That’s it. You’re not even going to hug me like you usually would have?” We both stopped walking.

“Syd-”

“What the fuck is up with everyone? Why in God’s name is my life…” I let out a groan of frustration. “Nevermind. Fuck it.” I started walking again.

I felt bad for taking it out on Mikey. But something was weird. I felt like everyone was in on a little joke and no one wanted to tell me. No one wanted to make me laugh, too. No one wanted to let me in on this deep, dark, life changing secret.

And I wanted to know.

But maybe no one would tell me. No matter how much I would get on my knees and plead.

A car horn honking made me jump. Also making me jump right into Mikey sending us both to the ground. Mikey chuckled. I smiled up at him and he hugged me. Thank God I can’t stay mad at Mikey for too long.

“I think that’s my mom,” Mikey muttered.

Indeed it was Donna. Gerard, too.

“You want a ride, Sydri?” Donna and Gerard asked at the same time.

I shrugged and smiled gratefully. “Sure.” I got into the backseat, so did Mikey, and thanked Donna.

“No problem. I don’t want to make you walk everyday.” She smiled at me.

“But that’s how they stay skinny,” Gerard joked.

Mikey laughed. “Whatever, Gerard.”

I looked out the window and soon, their conversation wasn’t heard in my mind. I was focusing on the New Jersey scenery passing by. I smiled slightly to myself. New Jersey was my home. I remember having conversations with my dad about how I couldn’t wait to leave Jersey. How I couldn’t wait to go somewhere worth seeing. But New Jersey was my home. I smiled more.

Someone poking me interrupted my thoughts. “Sydri. Sydri?” I looked at Mikey. “We’re at your house.” I looked up and laughed nervously.

“Sorry.” I grabbed my backpack and started to leave when their mom stopped me.

“Is something wrong, Sydri?”

I looked at her. Her eyes were filled with worry.

I shrugged and smiled. “I’m as good as I’ve ever been.”