Behind This Smile

I got my ass out of bed on Monday morning, not at all thrilled about having to go to school. If my dad wasn’t demanding I go, I probably would’ve dropped out. I got dressed, throwing on a random shirt and a hoodie. I put on some pants and slipped on Vans.

I brushed my teeth and put my hair in a messy ponytail. I didn’t bother putting on make-up; it didn’t matter. I had no one to impress. I glanced at the clock on table in the living room. Seven thirty. I grabbed my backpack and walked towards the door.

Nicola walked in the living room. She sighed, her face holding a small scowl. “Y’know,” she began, looking bored, “I can drive you…” She started picking at one of her fingernails.

I furrowed my eyebrows and resisted the urge to ask where the hell the actual Nicola was. Instead I shook my head. I opened the door and Nicola scoffed. “That is the last time I ever offer to do anything nice.” I shrugged and closed the door.

I walked to school; something I hadn’t done in a couple of months. I wished I knew where I put my MP3 player. I sighed and shoved my hands into the pockets of my hoodie. I don’t even know why I was wearing a hoodie. It was the middle of May. I shrugged to myself.

After almost thirty minutes of walking, I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a car slow down slightly. My heart started pounding and I barely turned around and ignored it when I realized it was Gerard’s car. His car almost came to a full stop, but sped back up again.

When I finally entered Belleville, I walked to my locker, grabbed my books, and started to walk to Mr. Warlock’s. I passed Frank and Ray, taking a quick glance at them. They didn’t look mad like expected. Instead, the looked guilty and sad. I picked up my pace a little bit and walked into Mr. Warlock’s room.

“Sydri,” he said, smiling. I sat down and rubbed my eyes. “Do you have the homework -”

“No,” I interrupted. “I don’t.”

I knew he wasn’t going to get mad. I had a feeling no one was going to get mad. He just gave a sympathetic look and nodded. “I understand. But you need to get it in soon.” I shrugged, but nodded.

The bell soon rang and everyone was walking into the classroom. I tried to discreetly watch Gerard and was quite surprised when he sat where he usually does - next to me.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered ten minutes later. I pretended not to hear him. He sighed. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. Still no answer from me. “I’m sorry.” I glared at him and shook my head. “You’re being bitch, you know,” he hissed, glaring back. “I don’t care if you hate me, but you don’t have to be a bitch to everyone else, too.”

“I’m being a bitch to them, too because you weren’t the only who knew,” I hissed back.

“Fuck it,” Gerard muttered and turned away from me. I sighed and listened to Mr. Warlock babble.

--

Just as I expected, none of my teachers got mad at me for not bringing in my homework. They all gave me the same sympathetic smile and told me it was ‘understandable’.

I saw Mikey once. At lunch. I was sitting all alone - like before - and he sat down for thirty seconds before saying a soft, “God, Syd, I’m so sorry.” He got up and hesitantly gave me a quick hug. I didn’t do or say anything. I let him hug me and I watched him walk back to the table he was at before.

I cradled my head in my hands and blinked back tears.