Behind This Smile

My dad died that day. In his sleep, peacefully. Just like he wanted. I didn't cry, I wasn't shocked, and I didn't let anyone hug me. I felt numb, lifeless. I was going to miss him like crazy.

Gerard drove me to the hospital where I was greeted by a crying Dr. Hemlen. What caught me off guard was the fact Nicola was there, bawling. It scared me. Nicola and I walked into the hospital room where my dad's body was. Once Nicola saw his body, she started sobbing some more. I blinked back my tears.

My dad looked almost purple. His eyes were closed and the dark circles that were once under his eyes weren't so noticeable, anymore. He looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping. I blinked back more of my tears.

Nicola's wails echoed in the room. She fast-walked to our dad's body and fell to her knees. She looked like she was praying. Maybe she was. I walked over to her and sat Indian style next to her.

Then, Nicola pulled me into a huge hug and bawled into my shoulder.

--

Thankfully, the words, 'I'm so sorry for your loss' never came out of anyone's mouth on the day of my dad's funeral.

Of course, everyone was dressed in black and everyone was crying — including myself. Nicola never stopped crying since the day of Dad's death. And I was her shoulder to cry on.

It was six thirty in the morning and awfully cold for a morning in the middle of May. The sun had barely risen and if I wasn't busy crying, I'd be yawning non-stop. The prayer was sad and watching my dad be buried in the ground wasn't any better.

I finally forgave Gerard, Mikey, Frank, and Ray. I realized it was stupid to be mad at them and that I'm a stupid person. But I was being hugged by all the guys and I felt at home.

I ate dinner with the Ways', Frank and Ray that night. No one said anything, not even Mikey who tried to make anything and everything better. Donna insisted that I stay the night over at their house and I couldn't say no. Nicola would be staying with her boyfriend, anyway.

It was weird, staying over at Gerard and Mikey's house. I mean, I knew they wouldn't rape me or anything (at least I hope), but it was just... odd. It felt strange being in the guest room. It wasn't my room. Obviously.

Before I fell asleep that night, I knelt down next to the bed, bowed my head and whispered, "Will You tell him I said goodbye and I love him?"