Heartaches Grow a Little Bit Stronger

The breeze that blew through the lot felt warm against my skin, but for some reason the core of my body still felt cold. I gazed around, and saw that my parents, as well as Kyle's parents were already here and gathered around the place where we would lay Hayden to rest. In the distance, I saw our friends like Austin, Dee, and Kent approaching as well, but so far there was no sign of Kyle.

I took a deep breath to steady myself, and beside me, Lucas frowned softly before he placed a hand on the small of my back, making sure I was alright.

"I'm fine." I mumbled.

Lucas gave me a look that suggested he didn't quite believe me, but he removed his hand nonetheless. Tomas, who we standing just in front of us, frowned at me and then reached up, brushing my stray hairs aside and then tucked them securely behind my ear. He raised his hand, on the verge of signing something to me, but then he stopped short, focusing on someone behind me.

Glancing over my shoulder as well, I saw Kyle slowly approaching us, and immediately I felt my stomach knot into a ball of nerves.

"Hey," he whispered, coming to a stop just a foot away from me.

I eyed him heavily before I replied, "hi Kyle."

He bit his lip slightly and cast his eyes down to the ground. I didn't think he was going to say anything else, so I made a move to look back to my brothers, but stopped short when I felt Kyle take a hold my hand, holding it tightly.

"Come on, sweetheart," he whispered, tugging on my hand gently.

My brother's made a face at the sight of Kyle, but they chose not to comment about it as Kyle and I passed them by, walking hand in hand to where the rest of our families had since gathered. During our walk, Kyle and I didn't exchange any words, we simply walked toward our destination. As we approached, I saw our parents watching us, knowing that we had broken up, but probably wishing that we would talk things over and get back together. Our friends watched us as well, most likely wishing the same thing.

We came to a stop and Kyle released my hand, wrapping his arm around my shoulders instead. Just wanting to be closer to him again, I wrapped my arm around his slender waist, and rested my head on his chest, my eyes locked on the small casket in front of us.

Before long, the services got underway and Kyle's arm tightened around me, holding me as close to him as he could. I shed a few tears, both for Jayden and for the pain Kyle had caused me, but I was stronger for the most part.

All too soon, though, I had to say goodbye to my baby boy one last time as they lowered his casket, and it disappeared from our sight. Not wanting to watch anymore, I turned my head so that my face was completely hidden in Kyle's chest and took slow, deep breaths, knowing that as long as I did that, I could get through this. Sure enough, before I realized what was happening, Kyle gently pushed me away from him so he could look at me, and I saw that everything was over.

His blue eyes were slightly bloodshot, and there was a single tear stain on his cheek, but he wasn’t crying anymore.

"Are you okay?" He whispered.

I nodded my head, taking one more deep breath before I let it out in a long sigh. "Yeah." I said. "I just couldn't watch as they lowered Jayden into the ground."

Kyle nodded his head in agreement. "It was hard, knowing that we'll never see him again."

"Yeah."

Kyle sighed heavily, and ran his hands up and down my arms a few times before he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. Not wanting him to let go anytime soon, I wrapped my arms around his middle and held on, fearing that if I'd let go, he'd slip away from me.

"Kyle, are we really doing this?" I whispered.

"Yeah." He mumbled. "We really are."

I was silent for a few seconds before I replied, "this fucking sucks."

"I know." He whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you doing this, Kyle?" I groaned. "This is so damn hard. I don't know how to let you go."

"You'll figure it out eventually." He mumbled.

"I'll have you know that as soon as you let go of me, Kyle, and walk away, you'll break my heart into a million pieces. Its been chipping away bit by bit these past couple of days, but seeing you walk away from me one last time ... I think I'm gonna lose it."

His arms tightened ever so slightly. "I'm sorry." He repeated.

"Don't let me go." I whispered. "At least, not too soon."

"Alright." He agreed, and we stood there, never moving an inch, never saying a single word.

I was aware of voices in the distance, but I paid them no attention. All I was focused on was Kyle, and the fact that as long as I was in his arms, I wasn't going to fall apart.

"Did you finish moving your things out, yet?" Kyle questioned.

I frowned softly, though Kyle couldn't see it, and then shook my head as best I could. "I have a few more things I need to get."

"okay." He whispered. He was silent for a few seconds before he asked curiously. "Are you staying with your parents?"

"No," I mumbled, "Lucas has since taken over my room, since my parents turned his and Tomas' room into an office. I put my stuff in storage, and I've been staying with Caleb."

"Oh," he said, definitely not expecting that answer from me.

"Yeah." I sighed. "It's just temporary, until I find myself a new place."

Kyle didn't say anything, but instead began to rock me gently on the spot. Knowing that he was planning to leave soon, I tightened my arms around him and shook my head.

"Don't, Kyle." I whispered. "Don't go."

"I have to, Alyssa." He muttered, pushing me away ever so slightly.

Looking up at him, I saw that the tears had returned to his eyes, which caused my own to start to glaze over. Running his thumb across my lips, he bit his lip, looking as if he were holding in a few more words, but he shook his head, shaking away whatever he was thinking. Without saying anything else, he leaned over and kissed me deeply, passionately. I clung onto it, knowing it would be the last time I'd get to kiss him.

Kyle pulled away without warning, and slipped out of my grasp before I had a chance to put my defenses up, and left me standing there by myself. I couldn't force my legs to move after him, I was simply stuck there, watching as he walked away.

Inside of me, I felt my heart drop, almost as if the very last piece of it had fallen away. The pain was nothing like I've felt before. When Mason had left me not even a year ago, I had thought the pain I felt then was that of a broken heart. But that pain was no where near what I was feeling right now. I was too hurt to even cry. Even though I wanted to cry my pathetic eyes out, I couldn't.

So instead, I simply stood there, watching as the boy I loved with my entire heart walk away from me.

"Alyssa?" A quiet voice asked.

It took all my energy I had to tear my gaze from Kyle's retreating back, and look up at Caleb's concerned expression.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" He questioned.

"I don't know." I answered truthfully. "I ... I don't think so." I said slowly.

"Oh, Alyssa." He whispered as he came over to me and placed a gentle hand on my cheek.

"Caleb," I mumbled, "I need to get out of here."

"Are you okay to drive or do you want me to drive you somewhere?" He asked.

"No," I hesitated, licking my lips slightly, "I need to get out of Texas. I need to move away." I whispered. "I can't be here, not where I'll see Kyle every day. I can't do it. I need to get out of Texas."

"Where will you go?" Caleb whispered.

"San Francisco." I said. "If I move, I'm going to move to San Francisco."

Caleb lowered his hand from my cheek, and reached over, taking my hand in his. He ran his thumb across the back of my hand gently before he said, "if you move, I'm going with you."

"No you're not, Caleb." I said, shaking my head slowly. "You need to stay here, you have the band, you have all your family here."

"Plenty of band members live on different sides of the country." Caleb pointed out. "And all your family is here too, Alyssa. I'm not letting you move over to San Francisco all by yourself."

"Why not?" I asked defensively. "You don't think I can take care of myself?"

"I know you're more than able to take care of yourself," he said softly, "but I love you, Alyssa. I'm not letting you go this time." He whispered.

"Caleb," I said quietly, "I'm so broken though."

"All the more reason for me to go with you." He insisted. "I've pieced you back together plenty of times before, and handed you back to Kyle, but this time, after I fix that broken heart of yours, I'm going to keep you for myself."

"Caleb, you don't even know if I can be fixed this time." I whispered, my voice breaking slightly.

"Well, even if you can't, I'll still love you."

I shook my head slightly, "you're a persistent son of a bitch, Turman."

"And you're so fucking stubborn." He said.

I made a sad face, knowing that Caleb wasn't going to give up on me, now matter what I said or did to him. Knowing that he had me, Caleb gave me a soft, reassuring smile and then released my hand, wrapping his arm around my waist before he led me back toward the parking lot. Although we didn't say anything else, I knew that we were both thinking of how much our lives would change if I did decide to move to San Francisco.

Did I really want to move? Was I really willing to leave behind my friends, my family, and Kyle? Maybe I wasn't ready to do that, but regardless of whether or not I was ready for it, it had to be done, didn't it? How else was I going to get over Kyle? How else would I get over him?

The best bet would be to move to a different town and start fresh, right?

Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly as I contemplated one of the biggest decisions I would ever make.