Heartaches Grow a Little Bit Stronger

"Kyle, quit fucking moping around." Marc snapped.

"What are you talking about?" I mumbled.

"I'm talking about you moping around like a fucking pussy this past week."

"Fuck off, Marc, I just buried my son and lost my girlfriend." I growled. "If I want to fucking mope around then I will fucking mope around."

"I understand that you had just buried your son, Kyle." Marc said. "But Alyssa? I'm fucking pissed at you for fucking that up." He said, shaking his head.

"I had to let her go." I muttered. "She's better off without me."

"Bullshit." Marc said. "There's no one better out there for her than you. But by now it's probably too late. Caleb is already on his way to piecing her back together."

"How do you know?" I asked. "Just because she's staying with him doesn't mean they're getting together."

Marc merely shook his head, but didn't say anything else. Frowning to myself, I turned my attention back to the photo album I had been looking through and saw the picture of Alyssa and I that I had been staring at when Marc first got my attention. It was back on Warped Tour last year when we made a stop in New York. We took a tour around the city and ended up at some sort of wax museum where Alyssa had insisted on taking a picture of me and her with a wax figure of Johnny Depp.

We were already secretly together when this picture had been taken and we were having the time of our lives. I'm not going to lie, I missed Alyssa. I missed holding her in my arms late at night, I missed kissing her lips, and laughing with her about something stupid we had done.

I wasn't aware that I was crying until I saw a single tear splash down on the plastic protective sheet of the photo page. Hastily, I wiped the sheet dry and then wiped away any excess tears from my eyes before I closed the photo album and set it aside. Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly to steady my emotions before they took control of me.

Was I really making the right decision here? Were Alyssa and I better off without each other? If we really were, why the fuck did I feel like I did now? Like no matter what I did, I'd never be happy again? Was it just because I haven't seen Alyssa for an entire week? Or was it because I knew that I had broken her heart?

Biting my lip slightly, I fiddled nervously with my hands and then glanced across the living room to where Marc was sprawled across his loveseat, watching the television. As if feeling my eyes upon him, though, he turned his stare over to me, giving me an annoyed look.

"You're gonna run off and track her down now, aren't you?" He asked lazily.

"I love her." I whispered.

"You said that you let her go, because she deserved someone better." Marc said. "By giving up on her like that, you just proved that she does deserve someone better than you."

"I know," I muttered, "but," I hesitated slightly, licking my lips, "I think I'm too selfish to let her go out and be with someone other than myself."

Marc raised his eyebrow slightly, and then a frown crossed his lips. "What if you're too late?" He asked quietly.

"It's only been a week." I said.

"People's lives can change in a split second, Kyle." My stepbrother pointed out. "When you two got in a car wreck, your lives changed drastically. And just two days after that, your lives changed once again when you broke up with her. If your lives could have changed that much in just two days, what kind of changes do you think could happen within the time span of one week?"

"Whatever." I mumbled, standing to my feet. "I'm gonna go find her, and I'm going to get all her things out of storage and move them back into my apartment."

Marc eyed me skeptically, but chose not to respond. I grabbed my keys from his coffee table and left Marc's apartment without another word to him. I was on the freeway within a matter of seconds, heading toward Caleb's place. My parents said that they hadn't seen Alyssa since the funeral, so she hasn't been over at her parents. Last time I heard, she was staying with Caleb so it was probably the best place I could start looking for her.

When I arrived at his apartment complex, I practically ran to his door and knocked on it. When no one answered, I frowned and knocked again, but still got no answer. Growling lowly, I made my way back to the parking lot and looked around, but didn't see Caleb's car anywhere. I pulled out my cell phone and called both Alyssa and Caleb's cell phones, but was only sent straight to their voicemails.

I muttered a few choice words under my breath and then got back into my car, heading back to my apartment. If I had any luck, maybe Alyssa was still there packing up the last of her things. I haven't been there since I told her we couldn't be together anymore; I've been staying with Marc.

I reached my apartment about half an hour later and parked in my usual spot. A quick sweep of the area told me that Caleb's car wasn't here, but Alyssa could still be here. I made my way through the labyrinth of hallways, and then came to a stop in front of my door. I quickly made work of the locks and then entered the apartment, hoping to see Alyssa sitting on the couch, watching television, but the only thing I was greeted by was the sound of silence.

I looked around the apartment and felt my stomach drop slightly, seeing how bare it looked now that all of Alyssa's things were gone. I tossed my keys aside and closed the door behind me before I slowly made my way through the apartment, looking to see if there were any signs that Alyssa was coming back, but every single last thing she had, was gone.

I stopped by the room that had been the nursery, and felt the tears well up in my eyes when I saw that Alyssa had painted the walls back to its normal, off white color, and had moved my computer desk and electronic devices back into it. I quietly shut the door and then went down to the end of the hallway, to the master bedroom.

The bed was made, and everything was back in its place, the way it had been before Alyssa had moved in with me. The tears that had started to form when I saw what would have been the nursery finally started to fall when I realized that Alyssa hadn't left anything behind, and I made a move to close the door, but something on the end of the bed caught my eye. Stepping into the room, I took a seat on the edge of my bed and picked up an envelope that had my name written on it in Alyssa's neat, flowing writing.

I opened the envelope and pulled out a letter that Alyssa had written to me.

Kyle,
Before you run around town, trying to find out where I am, let me save you the trouble by telling you that I've moved. Not just to a different part of town, Kyle ... I've moved to San Francisco. You had to have known that something like this was coming. To think that I contemplated moving away because of a fight we had once had, what do you think I would do once you broke my heart?

I love you Kyle, I'll always love you, but right now I just have to get away. I need time to get over you, but I just don’t know how to do that when I'll see you every day, and talk to you every day. I know that no matter where I go, though, I'll think about you everyday. You're my best friend Kyle and nothing will ever change that.

I've never been one to ask much Kyle, and the only thing I ask from you now is to not come after me. Please, let me go, give me time to get over you. I need a change in my life, I need a chance to figure out what I want from life. I had thought that what I wanted was to settle down and start a family with you but fate took us down a different path. Everything happens for a reason, Kyle, and I guess we were just never meant to be anything more than just friends.

I don't regret anything that's happened, and I'll cherish all the memories we've made together. I'm not saying that this is goodbye for good, Kyle. We'll get another chance to make new memories, but not right now.

Remember what I told you about the 'what if' game. I don't want you to waste your days, thinking about where we would be now if you had done something different. Live for the present Kyle, because you can't change the past. You have your dreams in front of you. You have a career that let's you do what you love, and let's you share your passion with tons of people around the world. I'm proud of you Kyle so don't ever give up who you are, or what you love.

I'll see you again sometime, Kyle. I'm not sure when, but I will. Take care of yourself, if not for you then do it for me. We may no longer be together, but I'll still need you there as my best friend. I love you.

- Alyssa

I read through the note twice, just to make sure that I had read it right before I tossed the note aside and did my best to ignore the heartache building up inside of me as I pulled out my cell phone. Dialing Marc's number, I held it to my ear with one hand while I used the other to wipe away the tears that there starting to cloud my vision.

"Kyle?" Marc asked slowly.

"You knew she moved." I mumbled, my voice thick with tears. "You know that she fucking moved away and you didn't tell me."

"I didn't know how to tell you." He whispered. "She said that she had written you a letter, but I don't know what she wrote it in."

"What the fuck is she doing over there in San Francisco?" I asked. "She can't live over there all by herself!"

"She got a job working at the School for the Deaf in Fremont." Marc said. "Caleb moved with her."

"Caleb?" I asked in disbelief. "But ... " I trailed off, simply at a loss for words.

"Don't run off to San Francisco and try to drag her back here, Kyle." Marc warned.

"Why not?" I retorted. "You were the one giving me shit for breaking up with her, and now you're telling me not to go after her? Fuck you."

"Yeah I was giving you shit for breaking up with her." Marc snapped. "But I wasn't riding your ass, telling you to go off and win her back. I was simply letting you know what I thought about you and your lame ass decisions."

Shaking my head, I closed my eyes as the tears continued to fall, and then let a small sob escape my trembling lips.

"Kyle?" Marc whispered. "Kyle, are you okay?"

"No," I whispered, my voice shaky and barely audible. "I’m not okay. I just threw away the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Kyle," Marc sighed, "give it some time and Alyssa will be back in Texas." He assured me.

"I know she will, but I'll never get another chance to have her as my girlfriend." I whispered. "I'm never going to get that opportunity, Marc. I love her so much, but I just fucking blew it all to hell."

"Kyle, why don't you come back over, man." Marc said gently. "Don't run off and do anything else, just come straight over here."

I sniffed slightly, and did my best to control my vocal cords. "Alright." I mumbled.

"See you in a few."

Without another word, I ended the call and tossed my cell phone aside. Forcing myself to stand to my feet, I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand and went to my bedside table where there was a picture of Alyssa and me at the state fair. Staring at the picture, I took the time to take in her beautiful smile, the joyful look in her eyes, everything.

I ran my fingertips over the glass, and wished that I could turn back time to all the times I've ever made her cry, and stop myself from making those tears fall from her eyes. I've had everything I could ever wish for in the palm of my hand, but in a split second, I threw it all away. Sniffing back the tears, I told myself that I haven't lost her forever. Alyssa herself had said that she would eventually be back, just ... not as my girlfriend.

Alyssa was still my best friend and nothing would change that bond we had. So for the time being, I had to pull myself together and step it up to be there for her whenever she needed me. Being so far away from her home and her family, I knew that Alyssa would call me crying, overtaken by a case of homesickness, and I had to be strong and tell her that everything would be okay. I was ready for the calls that told me about the crazy things she and Caleb had done. I was prepared for the calls that came in, telling me how overwhelmed she was with work. I was even willing to take the calls, telling me that Caleb had done something to make her cry and I would whisper comforting words in her ear, telling her that everything would turn out alright in the end.

As long as Alyssa was happy, that would be good enough for me, even if it meant that she had to find someone else to be happy with. And if that person was Caleb? It would be alright with me. I know that he would take care of her, and I know that he had enough sense not to let her go like I had done.

I reached over and grabbed my cell phone, quickly dialing a number I knew by heart, and then held my phone up to my ear.

"Kyle?" Alyssa answered on the second ring.

"I love you." I whispered. "I'm not calling you beg you to come home. I understand that I've hurt you. But, I just wanted to call and tell you that I'll love you no matter what."

"I love you too, Kyle." She whispered back. "I want you to get out there, though, and find yourself someone to keep you company."

"I'll be fine." I insisted. "Besides, you never gave my heart back, Alyssa."

"Kyle," she whispered.

"I love you." I said simply. "Tell Caleb that I'll give him a call later."

"Okay." She said softly. "I love you too."

"Call me after you get settled in, just to let me know you're doing alright."

"Alright. Goodbye Kyle."

"Bye, sweetheart." I whispered, and then hung up my phone.

Setting it on the bedside table, I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I can't say that right now I'm suffering from a broken heart because Alyssa still held my heart intact in the palm of her hand. While she held in there the girl could make me do whatever she wanted me to do.

You never forget your first true love, they say, and I prayed to whoever was listening that Alyssa would never forget about me.