Heartaches Grow a Little Bit Stronger

Frowning to myself, I let Kyle take my hand gently in his, and lead me through the small crowds of people. The entire time we walked, we didn't exchange any words, but rather walked in silence. Usually I didn't mind when either of us fell into such a long silence; we had a relationship where we could not say a single word and still be contempt with one another's company.

But this silence ... this was different. It felt like something was wrong and for the first time ever I felt awkward around Kyle. He's my best friend; I'm not supposed to feel awkward around my best friend.

Before I knew it, I found that Kyle had led me out of the venue and we were now following an empty sidewalk. Glancing around slightly, as if to check if there was anybody else who would happen to pass us, Kyle slowed to a stop and then took a deep breath before he turned around to look at me. He opened his mouth, looking as if he were about to say something, but then thought better of it a few seconds later and closed it.

Seeing me give him a hesitant look, Kyle opened his mouth once again, and asked, "you remember when I told you that Madison doesn't trust me around you?"

Slowly, I nodded my head.

"Well," Kyle paused slightly, "she has reason to think like that." He mumbled.

Staring up at him, trying to determine whether or not I heard him right, I carefully chose my next words. "What do you mean, Kyle?" I asked slowly.

"I mean," he sighed, shaking his head, "I know that a lot of people have told you that I like you, and they're right. I've always liked you Alyssa, I've just been too much of a pussy to do anything about it. You're amazing, you're sweet, you're funny ... I love you to death, Alyssa, I do."

Not knowing what to say, it was all I could do to stare back up at him. His blue eyes pierced through me, looking as if they were begging me to say something, anything, in response to his sudden confession.

One would think that it would be easy for me to think of words to say, seeing as how this is what I had wanted to hear for a while now. But for some reason, I was absolutely speechless. His words, instead of filling me with happiness, seemed to wipe my mind blank, void of any emotions that may have been lingering.

As the seconds progressed, and Kyle realized I wasn't going to say anything, he reached over with his free hand, and placed it gently on the side of my face. It felt as if a slight tingle had rippled through me, starting at the point where Kyle's hand had come in contact with my skin.

"Alyssa, please say something." He whispered.

"I don't know what to say though, Kyle." I admitted.

"You admitted to Marc that you like me too," he said quietly, "don't tell me that you don't know what to say now."

"But ... what do you want me to say, Kyle?" I asked. "Whatever I say isn't going to make a difference anymore."

"Let me hear you say the words for yourself." He whispered.

"Don't make me do that, Kyle." I said sadly. "It's hard to admit something like that aloud, knowing that it's not going to change the situation we're in."

"Alyssa, please." He begged. "I just need to hear it."

"Damn it, Kyle." I whispered. I hesitated slightly, looking anywhere and everywhere except for him.

It was only then that I realized Kyle had lowered his hand from my cheek, and had instead wrapped his arm around my waist, holding me as close to him as I would allow. Paying attention to this, I finally noticed the tremble in his touch, giving away his anxiety. Closing my eyes, I knew that there was no other way to get out of this, except to give in to what he wanted.

"Kyle," I whispered, "I love you too. I love you so much, but I know that I can't be with you, and knowing that hurts me so much."

"Alyssa, open your eyes," Kyle mumbled, his lips so close that his breath tickled my cheek.

"Kyle, don't," I whispered.

"Open your eyes," he repeated.

Despite knowing that the tears would start to fall as soon as I opened my eyes, I did as Kyle said, and found myself looking straight into his blue gaze. Kyle didn't seem to care about the tears that were starting to fall. He didn't seem to care about the heartache that was clearly reflecting in my expression. He just stood there, staring at me.

Then, without warning, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, kissing me deeply, passionately, much like he did that night when we were both drunk. After I had gotten over the initial shock, I found myself relaxing in his arms, and began to kiss him back, suddenly not giving a damn about whether or not it was right or wrong.

I tossed all my morals aside and bid farewell to my better judgment, and let myself be whisked off by my feelings and emotions that had been building up inside of me.

I'm not sure how long Kyle and I stood there, embracing one another in our arms, locked in our passionate kiss. I'm not exactly sure when Kyle's lips left mine, and wandered down across my neck. I'm not exactly sure when my hands had entangled themselves in his hair, pulling him - if possible - closer to me.

I remember the soft gasp that escaped my lips, though, when Kyle bit gently at my collarbone and stirred me out of our few minutes of ecstasy, bringing me back to reality. Everything seemed to hit me at once; my morals, my better judgment, the realization of what I had just done.

Pushing Kyle away from me so suddenly as if his touch had been fire on my skin, I sent him stumbling back a few steps. Unsure as to what had just happened, he stood there, his hands raised slightly as if in defense, while giving me a questioning look.

"Alyssa," he paused, making a move to take my hand back in his, but I slapped it away, causing a look of hurt to mix with the confusion that was already embedded in his eyes.

"Kyle, you're engaged." I whispered. "This isn't right; no matter what sort of feelings we have for one another, this just isn't right."

"But, Alyssa, I - "

"I told you before, Kyle, no one deserves something like this to happen to them. Madison is a good person. She and I don't see eye to eye a lot of the time, but she doesn't deserve to be hurt like this." I mumbled.

"Alyssa, I love you so much though," Kyle whispered. "I've wanted to call you mine for so long, I've had feelings for you ever since you moved to Texas."

"Why didn't you do anything about them, then?" I asked quietly.

"I was going to, but then you hooked up with Mason." Kyle admitted. "He hooked up with you, even when he knew how I felt about you. We talked about it afterward, and he told me how much he liked you too. And then ... " He trailed off, muttering a few incoherent words under his breath.

"And then ... what?" I asked slowly.

"And then I pussied up, and told him that he could go for you instead. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to give you everything you needed, I was scared that I wouldn't be good enough for you." He whispered. "So instead, I stepped aside and watched one of my friends make you fall in love with him, instead of me."

Taking his words into consideration, I mulled through everything in my mind. I thought back to high school, when Mason and I first hooked up, and then to when Mason had asked me to be his girlfriend. Kyle seemed so happy about the entire thing, he seemed genuinely happy that Mason and I were together. He didn't seem hurt, or saddened, or depressed. He was the same happy-go-lucky Kyle that he always had been.

"And after high school ... when you started dating Madison." I asked slowly. "Did you still ... have feelings for me?"

"I've always had feelings for you, Alyssa."

"But ... what about Madison?" I asked. "Do you even like her? Dear Lord, Kyle, you put an engagement ring on her finger, you have to feel something for her."

Kyle was silent for a while, contemplating his answer. Frowning softly, he shoved his hands into his pockets, and shrugged his shoulder slightly.

"I thought you and Mason would get married one day. I didn't ever think you two would break up." He said. "I thought that you two were happy together, so I figured that I should move on, and be happy with someone else."

"But you're not happy with her." I pointed out. "You don't love her."

"I thought I was happy with her." He sighed. "And ... I feel something for her; it's not necessarily love, but ... I care about her."

"Good Lord, Kyle," I whispered, shaking my head, "she deserves better than that."

"Well what do you want me to do, Alyssa?" Kyle mumbled.

"What I honestly want you to do is tell Madison the truth." I said sternly. "Tell her that you're in love with someone else, and let her go. Let her find someone who does love her, and wants to be with her."

Stubbornly, Kyle shook his head. "I can't. I made a promise to her when I slipped that ring onto her finger. I took an oath."

"Well then live up to that oath, and be the fiancé she needs." I whispered. "And forget about me, and all the feelings you have for me."

"Allie J, I could never forget about you." Kyle mumbled. "And I can't possibly just cast aside all these feelings for you."

"It's one or the other, Kyle." I said quietly as a single tear fell from my eyes. "You can't have both. You have to make a choice ... it's either Madison or me."

"Allie J, I promised Madison, though," Kyle said. I had reason to believe that Kyle thought the more he said that, the closer he would come to fixing this entire mess.

"Then forget about me." I repeated. "I'm gonna go back to the bus, and pretend that this whole thing never happened. I'm going to forget all my feelings for you, and I'm going to pick up where I left off with Caleb."

Kyle frowned at the mention of Caleb's name, and then let out a small snort of disgust. "Do you even like Caleb?" He asked, mocking one of my earlier questions.

"Yes, I do." I replied. "I'm happy when I'm with Caleb, I like being around him; he makes me laugh, he makes me smile, and no matter what we're talking about he's honest with me, which is more than I can say about you and Madison." I said meanly.

At my words, the sour look on Kyle's face disappeared, and was instead replaced by yet another hurt look.

"Could you really be happy with him?" He asked quietly.

"Not as happy as I would be with you," I answered truthfully, "but yes, I'd be pretty damn happy if I were to be with Caleb."

"Alyssa, I ... " Kyle trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

"Kyle, I'm serious." I said. "If you - "

"I don't want you to be with Caleb." He blurted out. "I'd be damned if I see you with anybody else, other than me."

Somewhat taken aback, I did a double take, and eyed him, waiting for him to say something else.

"What if," Kyle paused slightly, licking his lips before he continued, "what if were to say that I would talk to Madison when we got off of Warped Tour? If I told her the truth then? Would you still run off with Caleb instead? Or would you wait until the end of the summer to be with me?"

"If you swore that you would talk to her, if you swore that you would tell her the truth, of course I would wait for you, Kyle." I said.

"Okay," he whispered, "I'll ... I'll talk to Madison when tour gets done." He said slowly. "I'll tell her the truth, I'll tell her that I can't be with her anymore, and then you and I," he paused, giving me a soft smile as he took my hands in his, "will finally be together."

"Kyle Burns, you swear that you'll talk to her?" I asked.

Kyle nodded his head, squeezing my hands tightly.

"I promise." He replied before he leaned over, pressing his lips gently to mine.

After a few seconds, I pulled away slightly, and then kissed his lips quickly once more before I pulled away from him altogether.

"Okay." I confirmed. "But ... until you talk to her, we're going to have to refrain from hook ups, and make out sessions." I said. "And we're going to have to keep it on the DL from the guys; I already think of myself as a horrible person for kissing you while you have a fiancé ... I don't want anybody else to be thinking bad about me either."

"Deal." Kyle said, nodding his head.

He reached over, and kissed my forehead softly, before he hugged me tightly. "Maybe we should get back to the bus." He said. "Everybody's probably wondering what the hell happened to us."

"Yeah." I agreed.

Kyle gave my body one last squeeze, before he released me, and instead took one of my hands in his. Giving me one last smile, Kyle led me back in the direction we had come.

Although Kyle had promised me he'd talk to Madison as soon as we got back to Texas, I couldn't bring myself to start feeling excited just yet. We were only halfway through the tour, and still had a month left to go. A lot can happen in one month. Kyle could change his mind, he could chicken out. We'd know when the tour was done, and we were back in Texas.