Heartbeats Away From Disaster

Lying comfortably in Craig's arms, I sighed softly and couldn't help but wonder what time it was. We had arrived at Craig's apartment around a quarter to eleven, after we had stopped by Taco Bell to grab something to eat. After eating our late dinner, Craig had cleaned up all our trash, throwing it away, and then caught me up in a passionate kiss that had lead straight into the bedroom.

And now here we were, hours later, lying perfectly still with each other, tangled in the light grey sheets that decorated Craig's bed. Though he didn't say anything, I knew Craig was still awake because every once in a while I would feel his soft fingers tracing random patterns on my bare skin. I also knew, however, that sooner or later sleep would overtake his body, even if he didn't want to. It was bound to happen; it was a guy thing after all.

"Mitz?" Craig mumbled softly, his fingers once again stroking my skin.

"Yeah Craig?" I said quietly.

"I really did miss you while I was on tour." He whispered.

I shifted slightly and tightened my arms around him, burying my face in his chest as I did so. "I missed you too." I muttered, my words muffled by his skin.

"Maybe sometime," he paused momentarily, yawning loudly, "You can come with us on tour for a little while."

"Are you just throwing that out there, or do you really want me there with you?" I frowned.

"Why do you ask it like that?" He asked quietly.

"Ask it like what?"

"Like you don't believe that I might actually want you to come with me." He said sadly. "You sound like you can't believe anything that comes out of my mouth."

"It's not like that," I whispered, "it's just that I know how you get on tour, and it seems strange that you would invite me along to be around you ... witnessing that."

"Witnessing what?"

I rolled my eyes, despite the fact that he couldn't see me. "Witnessing you with your groupies." I mumbled.

At my response, Craig remained silent for so long that I had begun to wonder whether or not he had already fallen asleep, right in the middle of our conversation. My suspicions, though, were proven wrong when he sighed heavily and ran his fingertips down my side.

"If you were with me, I wouldn't need to be with anyone else." He said simply.

Biting my lip slightly, I rolled over a little so that my head was no longer resting on his chest, and instead looked up to the ceiling. Little rays of light somehow made their way through the blinds on the windows, scattering various patterns here and there on the ceiling.

Craigery had had his chance with me. If he wanted me to, I probably would have stayed with him until we grew old, and wrinkly. But, for some odd reason that's not what he wanted. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life with me ... instead, it seemed like he only wanted to spend the time between the sheets with me while he was home, while spending the rest of his time with his music and whores.

"Craig, can I ask you something?" I whispered.

"Ask me anything, babe."

Staring at the shapes on the ceiling, I removed one arm that was wrapped around Craig's warm body, and brought my hand up, tucking it behind my head to get more comfortable. Silently, I thought about the question that I wanted to ask him.

I wanted to ask him why he decided to break up with me in the first place. I wanted to ask him if he ever regretted it. I wanted to ask him if he ever thought about trying a relationship out again.

But, I couldn't ask him those things. I didn't have the courage to.

"Mitzi?" Craig's soft voice cut through the metal battle going on inside of my head. "What were you gonna ask me?"

"Nothing," I sighed, "it wasn't anything important."

"Alright," he mumbled, his voice distorted by the sound of a yawn. "Tomorrow, do you want to go watch a movie or something?"

"Sure."

"Or," he paused momentarily, hearing the lack of enthusiasm in my voice, "we don't have to go to a movie if you don't want to; we can just do whatever you want to do."

"Maybe we can go to the park and hang out or something, have lunch."

"Like a picnic?" He laughed quietly.

"Why not; you and me, with a salami sandwich that has more meat than bread, a bag of Funions, and a six pack of cheap beer." I said. "It'll be just like old times." I added without much thought.

"When you and I used to date?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, I suppose." I said offhandedly.

"That sounds good to me." He whispered.

With that, he let out another yawn and moved his hand down my side, letting it rest on my hip. Not having anything else to say, either of us fell silent, Craig on the verge of sleep while I felt more wide awake than ever. I lay there thinking to myself and after an unknown amount of time, long after the sounds of Craig's soft snoring reached my ears, I decided that sleep tonight was out of the picture.

Careful not to wake Craig, I got up and grabbed my panties off of the ground as well as Craig's shirt and quickly put them on before I went out into the living room. I grabbed the remote to the television and turned it on before curling up on the couch. It was nearly four thirty in the morning, and all that was on were info commercials and paid programming. Sighing softly, I hit the 'play' button for the DVD player, deciding just to watch whatever was in it.

A couple of minutes later, I was watching the beginning to Hellboy. Time wore on, and for some reason my mind seemed to linger on anything and everything except for the movie, so I decided to turn it off, as well as the television. An eerie silence surrounded me as I was once again left in the darkness, so I reached over and grabbed my cell phone from the coffee table where I had left it.

Scrolling through my address book, my eyes lingered momentarily on Matt's number before I opened up a new window and sent him a text.

Matt, are you still awake?

Pausing for a second or two, I hit 'send' and waited anxiously for his answer. About two minutes later, my cell phone began to vibrate in my hand, with Matt's name flashing across the screen. I quickly hit the 'accept' button and held the phone up to my ear.

"Matt?" I asked hesitantly.

On the other line, Matt laughed softly and replied. "Why didn't you just call me instead of sending me a text, Mitzi?" He asked.

"Because," I said sheepishly, "I didn't know whether or not you were still awake."

"Either way, Mitz, you were gonna wake me up, regardless of whether you sent a text or just gave me a call." He said, clearly bemused about the entire thing. "What's up?" He asked.

"I wanted to ask you how you found out about me and Craig." I said quietly.

"Oh," he mumbled, "Craig told me."

"He told you?" I asked in disbelief.

Craig was a private person, who hardly told anybody anything. Of course, there were those select few people that he was honest with, but even so, what Craig and I had been doing lately wasn't exactly something he'd admit aloud to anybody, partly because he knew it was wrong, and partly because he didn't want anyone to think any differently of us.

"He was drunk one night, and he was having a hard time so I was keeping an eye on him on our bus while everyone else was out having dinner." Matt admitted. "He was talking about all kinds of shit, but then he told me about you two."

"And you believed him?"

"You're gonna try to tell me it's not true?" Matt asked in monotone. Actually, it wasn't too much of a question.

"No, no, it's true." I answered anyway. Taking a deep breath, I let it out in a soft sigh and picked furiously at a small dark spot on the couch.

"I figured it was."

Frowning, I asked. "So what now, Matt? What do you think of us? Of me?"

"What do you mean?" He asked in confusion.

"Do you think that it's strange how we're sneaking around, instead of just getting back together?" I whispered.

"As much as I'd like to see you two back together, I don't know Mitzi." Matt sighed. "I mean, you two are a couple of my best friends in the whole world, and you two go along great together. Craig makes you light up like no one else can, and you inspire Craig like nothing else."

"But?" I asked.

"Mitzi, I still remember how Craig treated you when you were together," Matt mumbled, "I mean, he wasn't exactly the greatest boyfriend in the world, but he made you happy, didn't he?"

"Matt get to your point," I demanded, knowing that he was just trying to beat around the bush about telling me the truth.

"Sweetheart, I know that when Craig broke up with you, it basically came out of left field."

"You can say that again." I mumbled.

Matt ignored my remark and continued. "And, I don't know if he really gets how much he misses you, Mitzi. I know he does, everybody knows that he does, but I don't know if he knows it yet. I don't know if he's ready for a relationship yet, at least, not until he's able to admit how much he still needs you."

"So, what are you saying, Matt? What the fuck am I supposed to do, stay away from him until he's ready?" I sighed miserably.

"I'm not telling you to do anything, Mitzi." Matt said quietly. "I'm just suggesting that ... yeah, maybe you should stay away from him for now. I'm not saying you should totally avoid him, just maybe stop with the hook ups and whatnot. Try to just be friends. Not fuck buddies, friends."

"Okay, so, hypothetically, say that we stop having sex, and just try to be friends." I said. "What happens if Craig still doesn't get it? I mean, supposing you are right about this whole still having feelings and stuff for me. What happens if he never comes back for me? I can't wait forever, Matt."

"No," Matt agreed, "you can't."

Either of us fell silent after this, me thinking about everything Matt had said, while Matt thought to himself about Lord knows what.

"Well ... if Craig never steps it up, maybe that's when you should think about seeing other people." He finally spoke up. "Like you said, you can't wait around forever."

"But ... " I trailed off, not knowing what to say. Honestly, ever since Craig and I broke up, I've never even thought about dating someone else. After Craig, it just seemed like seeing anybody else wasn't right.

"Mitzi, I just don't want you to end up getting hurt in the long run." Matt said quietly.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right, Matt." I sighed. "As usual." I added.

"Babe, I have to get going." Matt yawned suddenly, "I just suddenly realized how late it is."

"Alright, Matt." I whispered. "I'll talk to you later."

"Goodnight, Mitzi."

"Night, Matt," I said softly before I hung up my phone.

Setting it back in its place on the coffee table, I ran a hand across my face, and through my hair, suddenly getting the feeling that time was running out for me and Craig. For about eight months now, Craig and I have been sneaking around every time he was back in town. Of course every minute spent with him was fun and I never wanted it to end, but speaking with Matt made me realize something.

All this sneaking around, keeping it secret from everyone, it was getting old. I either needed to have Craig as my boyfriend, or have him as my best friend. I couldn't be his anymore just when it was convenient for him. Either he had to step it up, or I was walking away from him, and moving on like I was supposed to do when we broke up.

Whatever happened, I knew it wasn't going to be easy.