I Was Born to Tell You I Love You

It’s been a few weeks and Ryan’s beatings have only gotten worse. He’s still cutting too. I wish there was something I could do, anything to help him. I hate seeing him like this and I worry about him all the time. We text constantly but sometimes he stops answering and I know that his dad is beating him. Thank god his dad is gone most of the day so I get to see him everyday. We hang out at the mall, or Jon and Spencer’s, or go to a park. Anything to avoid my parents and Ryan’s dad.

Ryan and I are sitting in the park at our old elementary school on the swings. We’re not really saying anything. But just being with each other is enough. But then a thought occurred to me.

“Ry?” I asked.

“Yeah Bren?” He replied.

“Have you ever tried to contact your mom?”

“She left an address and phone number for me. I never bothered though because I know she wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“Well try talking to her. Maybe she did want to talk to you but she was afraid of your dad.” I told him.

“I can try. But honestly if she wanted me she would have tried to contact me.” He said.

“We should try going to her house. Like right now.” I got up and grabbed Ryan’s hand and we got into my car and drove to his house and got his mom’s address. We drove to the house and knocked on the door. Ryan let out a shaky breath as we waited for someone to answer. I squeezed his hand to remind him that I’m here and it’ll be alright. We heard a little girl scream to her mom that someone’s at the door and then she opened it.

“Hi! Who are you?” She asked. She was about 6 or 7 at the most. Really cute. Curly blonde hair that went down to her shoulders, and bright green eyes.

“I must have the wrong address, sorry.” Ryan said as the girls mother walked to the door.

“Lacey who is it?” She asked and froze when she looked at Ryan. “Ryan?!” She asked in disbelief. She threw her arms around him. “And oh my god, Brendon Urie!” She said and threw her arms around me.

“What the hell, mom!” Ryan shouted.

“Hey, watch your language!” She warned Ryan. “Lacey sweetie go inside and help Daddy with dinner.” Ryan’s mom said and then stepped outside and closed the door.

“You left me and Dad, and then got re-married and had another kid? What were we not good enough for you? Am I really that much of a failure!?”

“No Ryan of course not! It’s just, your father was a drunk. He beat me Ryan. I had to get out!”

“Did you ever think what or who he would beat when you left, Mom?! Did you think about that!?”

“I didn’t think he would touch you. I’m so sorry!” She said and went to hug him. He pushed her away and began walking to the car.

“Save your apologies. It’s clear that you don’t care.” He said as he was walking.

“Babe wait!” I shouted after him. “Just talk to her!”

“Why should I?” He shouted back.

“Babe please!” I said. And pouted.

“Fine. But only because you made that face.” We went inside the house and sat in the living room. Ryan and I sat next to each other holding hands. His mom looked at us weirdly but didn’t say anything.

“Wow, you both have really grown up.”

“Well, the last time you saw me I was about 5. People change a lot in 12 years.” Ryan snapped.

“Oh my god Ryan! Stop being an ass! She’s trying here, ok?!” I shouted at him.

“Sorry Bren. Sorry mom.”

“No, it’s ok I understand I haven’t been a very good mother to you at all. I was just scared. I didn’t know what he’d do if I took you with me. But I do love you Ryan. I always have. So please find it in yourself to forgive me.”

RYAN’S P.O.V.

“No, it’s ok I understand I haven’t been a very good mother to you at all. I was just scared. I didn’t know what he’d do if I took you with me. But I do love you Ryan. I always have. So please find it in yourself to forgive me.” My mom told me. I looked into her eyes and saw sadness and regret.

I was about to reply when a little boy about 4 years old ran into the room. My heart dropped like it had before when I saw Lacey. She left me and my dad and got married and had kids. Totally forgetting about me. The little boy ran over and sat in my mom’s lap and she hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. A single tear fell down my cheek as I thought about how I never got to do that with her I would never sit on her lap, never hug her. I can’t even recall a time when she told me she loved me. All I remember is her and my dad fighting.

The boy looked a lot like me too. I got most of my looks from my mom and I‘m guessing he did too. We had the same eyes, same hair color, same nose. But he was taller than I was at that age, and not as skinny. We didn’t have the same lips either. Like me his personality is probably more like his dad’s. Something I’ve hated about myself since my mom left.

“Mommy who are they?” The little boy asked as he pointed at me and Brendon.

“Well, Jake, before I was married to Daddy I was married to someone else and had a kid. This is my son Ryan, and his friend Brendon.” My mom said and pointed to each of us as she introduced us. My mom noticed me crying and sent Jake out of the room.

“I’m sorry.” She said. Brendon looked at me and squeezed my hand tighter.

“It’s ok really.” I said. “He’s cute. He looks a lot like me though.” I said.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Brendon said. “Babe, your gorgeous! So he is going to be one sexy kid when he’s older.” He added with a laugh.

“Ok I needed to ask.” My mom interrupted. “It’s been bothering me since we sat down. What’s with the hand holding and the ‘babe’ stuff?”

“Oh, um, Mom… I’m gay.” I told her. Her jaw dropped and her eyes widened. “I understand if you hate me.” I said.

“I don’t hate you! I could never hate you! It’s just a shock!” My mom yelled. “Come here.” She said and held her arms out for me to hug her. I got up and hugged her. She kissed my forehead. “I love you Ryan.” Tears began pouring out of my eyes at those words.

“I love you too, Mom.” I managed to get out. When I calmed down a bit I sat down next to her on the couch. I looked over to Brendon who was also crying. He came over and sat next to me on the couch with my mom. We sat for a while just talking and catching up. I told her all about the last 12 years of my life and she told me about hers.

“So about a year or so after I left your father I met Greg at the same bar I met your dad at. He’s the guy I’m married to now. We had some drinks and we were talking. We eventually exchanged numbers. We went on a few dates, and then it started getting pretty serious. We took things slow though. Slower than with your father.” My mom began. My mom and dad were only together a few months when they got married. They were young and stupid. “We got married about two years later. A couple years after that we had Lacey, and then a few years after that we had Jake.”

“Did you ever think about trying to get custody of me?” I asked.

“Of course! But like I said I was afraid of your dad. He didn’t take me leaving very well. If I took you too I didn’t know what would happen.” She said. Just then Lacey walked into the room.

“Dinner’s ready mom.” She said.

“Ok honey.” She said. “Um, do you want to stay for dinner? There’s plenty of food.”

“I’d love to. Is that ok with you Bren?” I asked.

“Yeah. Let me just call my mom and let her know.” He said. My mom and I walked into the dining room while Brendon called his mom. He followed shortly after. My mom sat me and Brendon next to each other at the table. Lacey sat across from Brendon, Jake sat across from me, and my mom sat at the head of the table by me and Jake, and I’m guessing Greg would sit and the other end. A man who I assumed was Greg walked into the dining room carrying a pot of spaghetti. He put it on the table and froze when he noticed Bren and I.

“Who are they?” Greg asked. But then he looked from me to Jake and pretty much put two and two together.

“My son Ryan and his boyfriend Brendon.” My mom said. His eyes widened at the word boyfriend but then his expression returned to normal.

“Nice to finally meet you. Your mom told me about you.”

“What’d she say?” I asked.

“All good stuff. And that she missed you a lot.” He said. I looked at Greg. He had blonde hair like lacey but his eyes were brown. He didn’t look as macho and angry as my dad did. He looked into my moms eyes and I saw love. I smiled.

“Does that mean he’s my brother?” Lacey asked.

“He’s your half brother pumpkin.” Greg said.

“What does that mean?” She asked.

“It means, well in this case, that you and Ryan have the same mommy, but different daddies.” He explained to her.

“Oh.” She said still looking like she didn’t totally get it. She’s only like seven though.

Dinner was silent until about halfway through. Then Greg started talking to me and Brendon.

“So you guys are gay?” He asked.

“Yup.” Me and Brendon said at the same time and then giggled. So manly right?

“What does gay mean?” Jake asked. My mom and Greg looked at each other. Debating whether they should tell him or not. They decided to.

“It means that they like boys instead of girls.” My mom said.

“Oh ok.” He said satisfied with the answer. Thank god he wasn’t one of those little kids who always asked why.

“So Ryan, why did you come here? I mean after 12 years you just randomly show up. There has to be a reason?” Greg asked.

“Um… well yeah, there’s kind of a reason. And I can totally understand if you guys say no. I didn’t know my mom re-married and had a family.” I said. I looked at my mom and let out a shaky breath. I cleared my throat and then spoke. “Can I move in?” I asked.