Who Said Life Was Easy?

I didn't think I had done anything wrong, sure I was outraged.
I reacted instinctively.
But I hadn't done anything wrong.

But where do I start? I had called him, my father, I mean. That's where I'll start...I guess.

"I let Edgar take my car today, Dad. Do you mind swinging by and picking me up from rehearsals on your way home from work? I'll be out by 6."

It had been a great day, you know. Nothing out of the ordinary. Theater is my life, I live for it. It's not often that you get to shed your own skin and become anyone, everyone you choose to become. The stage, the lights, the rush. It's my passion.

He had driven up as I was saying goodbye to my colleagues.
As customary, hugs were exchanged.
Among the girls as well as the guys.
And I don't know, something triggered inside of him.
He snapped.
I mean, he really just lost it.

It was as if my hugging a guy was some sort of shaming of my body.
He acted as if I had disgraced and shamed HIM.
He told me that I was no daughter of his,
that he raised his daughter to respect herself.
To respect him.
And that the person he saw in front of him,
was no daughter of his.

I half expected him to throw me out of the car.
But he knew better.

I was shocked, truly...just...at a loss for words.
Are you joking?
I mean, it was a genuine question.
I seriously was astounded.
Like...

What

The

Fuck.

I didn't know at that point what was going to happen.
But I wasn't going to let myself fall into his patriarchal power trip.
After all, I am my mother's daughter.

And that's why I did it.

I ran upstairs into my room,
Locked the door.
Pushed the dresser to block it,
just to make myself feel better,
Ironically.

And I took the newly opened bottle of aspirin and spilled it onto the bed.
I grabbed the sleeping pills and spilled those too.
The aspirin were white, the sleeping pills, blue.
At that moment, I actually considered hunting down red pills,
just to make it a fucking patriotic act.
I lined them up,
in alternative colors, of course.
And just took them,
one
by
one.

White,
blue,
white,
blue,
white,
blue.

You get it.

That's when I started writing out a letter,
somethin' real good,
where I'd blame my dad for making me do this to myself.
You know, some real cruel shit.
I didn't want to die,
really.
I just wanted to teach him a lesson.
I didn't want to die,
but it was just a sacrifice I was going to have to make.
I was tired of this.
Sure I was reacting to what had happened earlier,
but it was more than that.
So much more.
I was sick of it.
It was fucking miserable,
and he had to learn.
I think what really had me going,
what really made my skin crawl,
was how insignificant the whole thing was.
I mean,
imagine it,
if this was his reaction to a hug,
a fucking HUG,
Can you imagine what life is like in my shoes?
Imagine his reactions to shit that is more than a hug.
Like, how fucking more ridiculous can it get?
It was insignificant and ridiculous.
And that's why I ripped up the letter.
No.
He didn't deserve an explanation.
He didn't deserve that ounce of pity.
So I ripped it up and thought to myself,
He can sit for the rest of his life trying to figure it out.
He can ask himself a million questions,
replay memories in his mind.
He can suffer in the uncertainty and mystery of it.
Never really understanding why.
Shit,
is there anything more horrible than NOT KNOWING.
So I just went on with my day.
You know, pulled myself together.
Went downstairs,
apologized to my dad.
I bowed down to the king.
And I went upstairs,
to finish up my homework.
Listen to some music.
Lay down to sleep.
I was ready to never wake up,
when I laid my head down,
I was ready.

But it didn't play out like I thought it would.
The ringing.
FUCK.
The ringing was unbearable.
It was all I could hear.
I couldn't sleep, ironically.
It was too hot,
unbearably fucking hot.
And the nausea,
I can't even begin to describe it.
I thought it was going to be a peaceful fucking way to go.
Fuck was I wrong.
The room wasn't spinning,
it was more like swinging.
Like when you're on a boat
and the waves are rocking you from side to side.
I just couldn't take it,
I tried to make myself puke,
I just wanted it to stop.
My heart was racing so fast,
I thought for sure it was going to just fucking jump out of me.
It was too late though.
I was going to fucking die
and suffer all the way through it.
Karma's a bitch, but serves me right I guess.
It's not like I wanted to die...
Honest.

You mind if we pick this up next time?
I want to use the payphone before calling hours are over.

Sure, I'll make sure Joey walks you over there.

Thanks. And hey, I think i can get used to this whole, not wearing shoes, thing.