Lament

Jules and Alphonse were speaking with each other. The intimate dinner party, housed at Jules's home, was another celebration of the most talked about couple in all of London: Jules and myself. And as I stood, chattering mindlessly with a close friend of Jules that I couldn't remember the name of, my eyes kept going back to Jules and Alphonse. They did not look tense, just deep in their conversation. Why, then, did I feel so uptight when I saw them together? Of course, it could have to do with the fact that I'd slept in the same bed with one the previous night and was currently engaged to the other. My hand tightened around my champagne glass at that one and I felt all-too embarassed.

What had I been thinking? Staying the night at Alphonse's? It was the worst possible thing I could have done and I should have demanded, nay, forced him to bring me home. If word got out, and it could, if that Jeremy lad was anything less than totally faithful to Alphonse, if word got out where I had been last night, that would be it. My reputation would be ruined. Jules would never wish to marry me then. I would be cast out of society as a harlot, a whore. I would be sent to a convent to become a nun. How awful.

Jules's friend, Mr. Whatever-his-name-was, must have noticed my apprehension, for he asked if I needed to sit down. I shook my head and mustered my most charming smile, a smile I'd practiced over and over again with my governess this past winter. "No, I just remembered a very pressing matter that I must take up with my future husband. If you'll excuse me, sir, I would be delighted to pick up this conversation when I return," I told him. The man, who was tall with a pleasant, if not entirely handsome, face grinned back to me.

"Do not let me keep you from Farnsworth any longer," he responded with a click of his shiny black heels. I smiled, tipped a curtsy, and strode past him. Alphonse saw me first, for Jules had his back to me, and when our eyes did meet, his lips flooded into a bright smile. In that instant, it felt as if my heart had plunged down into my stomach and I stopped for a moment. This is wrong. This is wrong. You cannot love him. You must not love him.

Alphonse had disappeared out of my life without so much as a backward glance and when he was finished here, he would be off again. I must remember this. There could be no more slip ups, like what had happened last night. Jules turned towards me now, obviously curious as to what had sparked Alphonse's eye. Jules's mouth twisted up into a smile as well, but I noticed he did not look as enthralled as Alphonse did to see me. My fiance came and hooked his elbow around mine and pulled me back towards Alphonse.

"To what do I owe this pleasure, madam?" asked Jules.

I did my best to seem innocent. "I was merely curious as to what you two could have so much to say to each other. You look like the cat that's got into the creamer."

Alphonse grinned. "Well, we have been having an...interesting conversation. Actually, it pertains to you and Miss Morgenstern. And the Illuminata." Now, whatever could they mean by that? I waited for Alphonse to continue. "Members are allowed to bring new initiates to meetings. Its how Jules and I were inducted. Guillame invited Jules and once Jules was a member, he invited me. Of course, we probably wouldn't have been accepted if not for the fact that we are of the aristocracy, but we think it would be a good idea if you two were to attend."

I could not choke down the laugh that emitted from my lips. "Oh! You two cannot be serious. You know as well as I that the Illuminata does not allow women to their ranks."

"We're not suggesting that you join the Illuminata," replied Jules.

Flashing him a look, I smirked. "You miss my point, my Lord. The Illuminata will not let two women be privy to their secrets. They will not let us in to the meeting. We are but poor females." Jules and Alphonse flashed each other a look and apprehension knotted in my chest. They were up to something. Somehow, I didn't think I'd like what they were up to.

Alphonse licked his lips and looked at me. "We were thinking that...what if we dressed you up like men and took you to a meeting? You'll stay fairly hidden either way for inductees are not allowed to be part of the circle. We just want you to pick out some faces, you know, and tell your friend to keep an eye on these particular men." At his words, I colored. This morning I'd told Alphonse about Jaedo - he was the only one I'd told, besides Glenn, who already knew. I asked him to keep my words in his confidence. I swallowed.

"I think that is a terrible idea. I cannot believe you'd expect me to go galavanting about in breeches and a cravat. It simply will not do." Truthfully, it sounded a bit thrilling, but I'd never tell them that. Alphonse could hear the lie in my voice, however, for he grinned. I scowled as an answer. I couldn't believe he'd told Jules about Jaedo! Jules was the one person in all of London who I didn't want to to know. If he thought me mad, he might break off the engagement. And then what would I do? Alphonse did not love me and I could not stay with Lily forever.

It was Jules, though, who touched my shoulder in the most affectionate manner. "I know it sounds a little ridiculous, but I think it might be a good idea. When Alphonse told me of your late father's friend who was a Bow Street Runner, I knew it would be useful. I think this whole thing is too much for us now. We must hand this over to the Runners and let them deal with it from now on." For a moment I wanted to correct Jules immedietly, explain to him that I did not know any of the Bow Street Runners. Then I looked at Alphonse, who had a sly smile playing on his face. So Alphonse had not told Jules about Jaedo at all! My annoyance at him evaporated instantly and I felt a bit foolish. I should have known Alphonse would never betray my trust like that.

"Well," I sighed, "as long as Wren agrees to it, I shall. I suppose you're right, Jules. Maybe this is too much for us to handle alone." Except that it wasn't. It was bad enough that one of the Illuminata knew the secret of Alphonse - the Philosopher's Stone. In the darkest hearts of men was greed and those who knew of Alphonse's secret might not think twice to spill his blood in hopes of bringing back a loved one. This secret could not go to the Runners. At best they'd think us witches and burn as all. At worst they'd believe us and kill Alphonse. Both were not pleasant ideas. "We shall acompany you to one meeting and see if we can pick out any more faces. I will tell my friend and have him look into it."

Jules grinned. "Capital!" His eyes wandered behind my head. "Oh, Mother is probably wondering where I am. If you two will excuse me..." he said, bowed to us and with a kiss on my hand, left for his mother. I was now alone with Alphonse.

My eyes were still on Jules's retreating form when Alphonse spoke. "You thought I'd told Jules of your secret relationship with the faerie man."

I turned to him, my cheeks burning. "When you say secret relationship, you make it sound so wicked. He simply is...helping me, I suppose, in his own strange way. At first I kept having awful nightmares where he'd come to me and tell me what happened to Prince was my fault...and then he'd turn his face towards me, almost so I could see it. I never did, though."

"Right. You've never seen his face? You told me that he is tall and thin, with long, black hair and bright green wings. And that is all you know of him? You know not why he is helping you, or why he is here or who he is?"

"No, I know that his of the Unseelie Court. My mother, her faerie parents, her real parents, were of the Seelie Court. The Seelie Court is...good, I'm told. They are benevolent, while the Unseelie court is malevolent."

"So how do you know you can trust this...Jaedo?" Alphonse retorted.

I shook my head. "I don't know if I can. But he left me a gift from my mother's parents. He told me it was a mirror that let my mother speak to them. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out to use it. Jaedo said he gave it to me, though, to prevent Charles from getting it. I'm guessing it has some kind of enchantment on it that makes it useful to only the owner. I think Jaedo must have guessed what Charles was going to do next before any of us did. Especially since at the time he showed up at Criewulf, Glenn told me that those here in London were whispering of someone attempting to make homunculi."

"I still don't understand what he wants from you."

"Neither do I," I answered. "He is helping me...he says he is doing it for an old friend, that was why I asked if you knew him. And when we spoke last, he called me 'princess'. I do not understand." With a sigh, another thought came into my head. "At the opera, why were you sitting with Wren Morgenstern and talking to her in such a confidential manner?"

Alphonse blushed. "She was asking me to come to her house and help her bring Prince back. She was going to go into Death and fetch him." My eyes lit up, this seemed wonderful! At last Prince could be back! And I could finally banish the last of the guilt that still lurked in the farthest corners of my head and heart. "Please do not get excited. I'm not sure if I can. Half of me wants to help her, because she seemed so sure that she could get him easily from the border of Death. And then the other half is remembering how I walked away so casually when Prince said it was easy enough to get Moth-Lily. If I were the cause of Wren's death or imprisonment, I could never forgive myself. Not that I ever had for Prince. Or for...a lot of things." When he said this, he lifted his lowered eyes to mine and I felt a shiver go down my spine.

My cheeks burning, I took a shallow breath. "How did you know what to do when you saw that thing that looked like my mother?" I asked.

"That was a homunculi. At first I was confused at how it existed since homunculi are mandrake plants watered with the blood of whoever the homunculi is of. Then you told me that Charles had found the secret of faerie's - that their hearts do not decay, and I understood. Someone, probably Charles, is creating homunculi of your mother until he has my blood. Then he will plant her heart and water it with my blood. Then he will make a perfect replica of her. She will be able to speak and think and do everything that your mother did. As for how I knew what to do? When I followed Charles here, I found out why. Then I learned everything I could about homunculi. Including how to destroy one."

The look in Alphonse's eyes was dark, and I was struck once more about the changes he'd gone through. The strangest part of all of it, though, was the fact that these changes, this new darkness, it didn't repell me. How could it? I'd already learned all there was to know about his story. I'd seen every facet of him. Just one more dark look was nothing. I swallowed and a jolting, tingling feeling ran along my skin. It reminded of how I felt the moments before a lightning storm. It terrified, thrilled and consumed me.

We watched each other, eager to see who would make the first move. My entire body ached to kiss him, to wrap myself around him and drag myself under, to be swept up in whatever was Alphonse Wainwright. I wanted to drown under him, and feel that numb weight of eternity press on me. I wanted to feel the way I had before, before when I'd kissed him, when I'd let his fire fingers touch me.

Fingers did touch me then, but they were not Alphonse's. When I turned, I saw Victoria standing behind me, a broad grin on her face. The static feeling disappeared and I, too, smiled. "We're all reconvening in the dining hall. I've managed to make it so we're across from each other. I must tell you all that has happened today! Lord, it seems like ages since I last saw you and yet it was only last night!" she giggled and my smile turned into a grin.

"Yes, yes, of course, I'm coming." Behind me, Alphonse cleared his throat. Victoria blushed and curtsied.

"Oh excuse me my Lord, I did not realize that you and Miss Faerie were having a tete-a-tete." Her smile turned a bit cheeky.

Alphonse laughed at this. "No, no, nothing of the sort. I would like to ask Miss Brighton a question, however, before she scampers off." I swallowed and turned to my friend.

"I shall meet you in the dining hall." With a nod and another curtsy, Victoria turned to link arms with the friend of Jules that I had been speaking to before I interrupted my fiance and my former lover's quiet conversation. I let Alphonse take my elbow and saw Jules with a girl I barely recognized. When I'd arrived, I asked Jules if Wren and Glenn were to be attending, and he'd looked somewhat uncomfortable before answering a definitive no. His mother was not so well acquainted with Wren and listened to some of the gossip about town that had decreed Wren Morgenstern a haughty, head-strong, disobedient sort of girl.

Alphonse stopped walking and I was forced to halt and watch all the other couples file into the dining hall for the supper that was to celebrate the union between Jules and I. And here I was, making private conversation with a man I had no business being alone with.

"I've been meaning to ask you a question," he started. I said nothing, hoping this would be sufficient encouragement. "If Charles had my blood, he could make a perfect replica of your mother. It wouldn't just be a replica...it really would be her." He hesitated. "Would you want that? Would you want me to give up my blood for your mother?"

"You're asking me to choose between you and my mother." Before I'd felt hot and tingling near Alphonse. Now I felt hard. Cold. I dropped his elbow. "You think I would choose between you and my mother? You think I would want you to die so I can see my dead mother again? She's gone, Alphonse, and I've accepted that. I've accepted that she hid things from me. I've accepted that there were parts of her that I did not know. I've accepted all these things and I've let them go. I've let her go. I would never give your life up for that. Never. I'm embarassed that you think so lowly of me."

"No, Faerie," I heard Alphonse say behind me. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards him. "You misunderstand me. I - you see, well, I - I suppose it really was a roundabout way of asking if you still cared for me. It was foolish, I know, I shouldn't have said it, I'm an idiot." The anger that had flared within me died and I felt my shoulders relax. I let Alphonse take my elbow once more. I still bristled at the thought of his question but felt almost silly for reacting in such a manner. "I'm sorry," Alphonse repeated.

"I know. It's okay." My voice was soft. "Just don't ask anything like that again, all right? I still care for you, Alphonse, more than I know I should. Now please. I must go in there and hear another toast to me and my future husband." I could feel my throat close as I said those words, thinking about the fact that the man who was going to be my future husband was not the man standing in front of me. I felt the hollow ache at the bottom of my heart. The same I'd felt everyday when Alphonse wasn't here and I'd watched out the window hour after hour.

Alphonse looked into the dining hall, where couples were sitting down and men and women were chatting amiably. "If you would have me, I would still marry you. You know this." Alphonse told me, his voice strained.

"If Charles ran away tonight, would you follow him?" I challenged. This, I know, caught Alphonse off-guard. He pulled back from me and sighed. Already knowing the answer, I nodded, feeling my throat close up. Not wanting to show any sort of weak emotion in front of him, I stood up straighter and channeled all I could of Wren Morgenstern. "Well then, take me into the dining room. I don't wish to keep Victoria waiting, you know."

Beside me, Alphonse was silent, his eyes cast down. If you told me right now that you don't care what happens to Charles, I would marry you tomorrow, I wanted to say. But I knew what his answer would be. No matter what he said, I could not truly trust his words. For if Charles left tonight, Alphonse would be gone in the morning. Whatever he said, Alphonse could not love me as I loved him when he still had the hatred, the anger in his heart. This was what I knew. This was why I could not leave Jules.

"I'm sorry," Alphonse whispered once more as we entered the dining room.

I looked at him - stared into his deep, black eyes. I wanted to close my own eyes and wish on every falling star that had ever tumbled out of the sky that he would love me the way I loved him. I wanted his heart to feel the same it did that one night of the masquerade when he kissed my cheek and it stirred me deeper than anything. Then I curtsied and turned away. Turned away towards Victoria, towards Jules and towards my inevitable future.

"I am too," I whispered to no one in particular.