Lament

When I woke up in the morning, Alphonse lay next to me, still with sleep. I watched as he inhaled and exhaled with such a grace that made my own breath catch in my throat. Taking a hand, I brushed his black hair away from his throat. His first button was undone, and I undid one more. I leaned over him and gave his neck a soft kiss, nuzzling his skin with the tip of my nose. I closed my eyes and thought of what Alphonse had asked me last night. Will it always be like this? Happy? I wanted to believe what I told him last night that, besides small squabbles and lovers quarrels, yes we would be happy. As happy as any couple who married for love. This morning though, in the light, things felt different. I wondered if what I'd said last night could be true, or if maybe I was fooling myself. I squeezed my eyes tight and tried to erase the growing fears. Stop, I banished you last night, go away. These feelings would be here forever, though, or at least until…

I kissed his neck again and my breath was shaking. "Stay mine," I found myself whispering. "Stay mine forever, please. Just mine. No one elses. Especially not Charles'." I kissed his jawline and then sat up. Spring was turning into summer, and my wedding to Jules was getting closer each day. I must do it this morning. I must go to him and give his ring back. And then I must tell him the truth, for he deserved to know. That Alphonse Renshaw, Earl of Blackpool was actually Alphonse Wainwright, son of Lily and Charles, heir to the Wainwright Curse. I must tell Jules that he'd never had a chance, that I'd met Alphonse long before him and loved him long before. I must tell him that I was sorry, that it was not his fault. And then maybe, just maybe, he'd tell me the truth about him too.

But did I really want to know? Did I want to know if he was up to something nefarious? If he was in league with Charles? I thought of a conversation I'd had with Alphonse. It seemed so long ago. Glenn had told me that people were talking of homunculi in London long before Charles was there. If Jules was in league with Charles, than he too had his own agenda. Leaving my bed, I rubbed my arms which had turned to gooseflesh with the thought of Jules and Charles. Behind me, I heard Alphonse shift. "Good morning," his voice said behind me.

When I turned around, I saw him in his white shirt, laying against my white bedclothes and pillow. "Oh!" I exclaimed. "I have something for you." Alphonse looked confused yet intrigued, and I rushed to the trunk at the base of my bed. Opening it, I saw the long, thin, white box that was an unmistakable shape. Picking up the violin case, I showed it to Alphonse…my future husband. His eyes lit up and a smile that reminded me so much of who he used to be came across his lips. "My violin! I thought I'd left it at Deathcreeke. I was sure you would have left it behind…" I gave it to him, and he handled the case with wonder.

I shook my head, my cheeks flushing. "I couldn't. I…wanted to learn how to play it. I tried, but I am awful, I swear, be glad I didn't keep up with it. It's silly, I know, but I wanted to learn how to play it because I thought maybe you'd hear of a girl who played on a white violin and you'd want to come home to me and see…" I laughed, as I remembered the empty, crushing feeling that had consumed me as I'd sat on his bed the day before we'd left for London, the day of Charles's funeral. "It was stupid. You never would have known."

Alphonse was quiet. His eyes were sad but he let his fingers trail over the clasps of the case. He undid them with the careful touch of handling a child. I wish I hadn't said anything, I didn't want to make him feel guilty, then again, maybe a part of me did wish to make him mad to have ever left me. At this feeling I became mad at myself. If I continued to make him feel sad about not coming back for me sooner or never leaving in the first place, I would only push him away. I wanted to hold onto him as best I could, clutch him close to me and never let him out of my sight, ever again. I joined him on the bed and watched as he pulled his old violin out. His mouth set into a firm grimace. Not yet a frown, but something like it. Not something sad, but sadness was not far off. "My father gave me this violin." I balked at his words. It was the first time I'd heard him say my father and not Charles. As if he were acknowledging Charles as being something other than the man who tried to kill him. "I don't know what he thought he would stifle by letting me play. I think he thought I would become so involved with it that I would forget about what was going to happen to me. Or what I thought was going to happen to me. But…when I played, something inside of me always came alive." He looked at me and his grimace turned up ever so slightly at the corners. "Sort of when I look at you. The same feeling I got from seeing you that very first time was the same I get when playing. Like a fire inside me, growing brighter. Even before you, while I played, I made myself live. When I didn't play it was easy to accept my fate, even though I complained about it. When I was playing, it all just seemed to slip away. When my parents would have parties and balls, I'd go to the very end of the North Wing, stay in the shadows and listen as the orchestra played. It was beautiful. It was…salvation." Alphonse smiled as if he had a private joke. "Mother said that when I died I could go meet Mozart and Beethoven. That they would welcome me to their heavenly symphony."

"And that made you feel better?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No, but I made believe that it did. I made believe that one day I would be accepted into some white land of angels. Except by that time I was hoping it was colorful. I was quite fed up with white." He grinned and leaned forward to kiss my forehead. "There's something you must do today, and I think you know what it is."

I moved my head up to catch his lips with mine. My fingers came to the polished wood of the violin and then to his hands. On his fingertips, I could feel the rough skin where Alphonse had played and played, dreaming of a time when he did not have to feel burdened by a 'curse'. Part of me was very happy that such a time existed. I wish he'd always known, though. I knew he did too. I sighed against his lips. "I attempted to last night, truly I did, however Lily and Mrs. Haverford, the Dowager, interrupted us." I pulled farther away from him. "You know that I cannot announce my engagement to you for quite some time. And I am not of age and we are not going to be able to get Charles' blessing even though he is my guardian still. So we cannot get married right away."

"Of course we can. We'll elope to Scotland."

"Ah of course, Scotland. Our savior."

"I did not speak in jest." Alphonse's face was grave.

"I was not laughing," I returned. Then, because I could not hide it, I did laugh. Just a bit. Alphonse raised an eyebrow. "What will you do when I am breaking off my engagement to Jules?" I inquired after my bout of giggles had subsided. Alphonse took a look at the door then turned back.

"I will fix something I should have fixed a long time ago. Then I will go to my house and look into transferring Deathcreeke from my ownership to Jason's. I will also ask him to look after Blackpool Estate. Of course, he'll need to learn how to handle all the books and accounts and such, but I'm sure Jeremy will be able to explain all to him." Alphonse put his forefinger and thumb against the bridge of his nose. "Oh, why am I thinking about this now? I do not need to worry myself with such technicalities at the moment. You must go end your engagement with Lord Farnsworth. I must speak with Lily. After, we must wait a few weeks, but then we can leave as soon as we want. We could probably even leave tomorrow if we didn't want to ever come back here."

I shook my head. "No, no, that will not do. I want to come back sometimes. I want to see how Wren, Victoria and Olive turn out and we'll certainly want to visit Lily. I should at some point speak with my cousin, the one who received my father's house in London. I've been avoiding him all season, I think he knows it. I'll see him sometime…" Now it was my turn to feel tense. "Ah, you're right. This can all wait. We must take care of what we must do at this particular moment. We need not worry about tomorrow. At least, not until it comes."

"Wise words," Alphonse said with a smile and kissed my forehead. Then he got up. "Why don't you call upon me later today? We'll have supper, discuss our plans." I hesitated in answering, thinking of Jeremy's icy welcome to me previously. I wasn't able to hesitate for too long, of course. Alphonse had already gone. Not wanting to be present for his conversation with Lily, I dressed as quickly as I could and took off down the hallway. In Lily's room, I heard Alphonse's soft voice and Lily's even softer sobs, but let them be. This was not about me. This was about a mother and a son, something I was not a part of. And I had something I must take care of. I had a footman bring around the carriage. The driver must, once again, act as my chaperone.

Jules's house almost looked forlorn when I reached it, but that might be on account of the day getting grayer and grayer by the moment. "Lovely," I muttered under my breath as the driver led me to the door. I glanced at my left hand where, instead of Jules's engagement ring (which now sat at the bottom of my empty reticule), Alphonse's signet ring sat. Looking at it made the storm inside my body calm, if only for a moment. Jules's footman let me inside with a polite bow and a murmur of, 'Miss Brighton'. I curtsied and followed him into the drawing room. I watched as he pulled away the drapes, letting the pale morning light filter in. This room was heavily decorated with reds, purples and golds. It was just now that I realized that I found it quite gaudy. I'd never looked at it before, but it would have been my drawing room. It would have been the first thing I'd changed, had I gone on with the engagement. It was some other girl's job now. Unless…I shook my head, not wanting to think of the what ifs. Jules was not helping Charles. I was being irrational.

"Lord Farnsworth is unavailable at the moment, but I shall announce to my Lady that you have arrived. I am sure she will be down in a moment." The footman bowed and left the room. I stood before one of the overstuffed chair that looked as if it could have been from one of the parlors at Versailles. I clasped and unclasped my hands together, waiting for someone to arrive so I wouldn't feel so awkward. I just wanted to get this over with. I just wanted to put this whole disastrous engagement behind me. It was then that I heard a loud exclamation. Jules. His voice was coming from down the hall. I ventured out to make my presence known to him. He probably was doing some business with a client, but he'd end quickly if he knew I was here. Or maybe he was speaking with Charles. Planning on how to lure Alphonse away. My heart picked up its pace as I crept closer to the voice…or voices. Another voice, female, was speaking now. Low and quiet, too low for me to recognize. I saw the room Jules and his mystery guest were speaking in, the door was open just an inch. It looked as if Jules had tried to close it, but the door was old and had refused to close tight.

I stood at the very edge and did not dare to look in, just tried to listen. Jules spoke. "You must go, you know what will happen if my mother discovers you here," he said.

"I know." The hairs on the back of my neck raised as I realized who I was listening to. Wren Morgenstern. Wren and Jules were in a room together, speaking privately. I should walk away now, but I couldn't. "I know but I can't. I can't because I am pathetic and wretched and awful. I hate this! This…thinking that you hate me and then finding out you don't and wondering if I'll ever have another chance but thinking that I cannot because of who you are marrying now…it is all so useless and horrid. I love you, Jules, and I have loved you since the day I first laid eyes on you. It is not something I can snuff out, not like a candle. It burns brighter and brighter each day. I cannot stop it and I am not sorry for it at all."

Jules laughed. "Wren, there's no need for the dramatics!" his tone was something I'd never heard before - truly, completely happy. And I was happy too, because Wren loved Jules and Jules loved Wren and this is what they had been keeping from me and I could fix everything. I heard soft noises that sounded like kisses and my cheeks burned. Now I really should give them privacy. "We will do it tonight, then." Jules's voice spoke and I froze once more. "We'll do it tonight and it will all be over."

"Yes, yes. Tonight, my darling, tonight."

I seemed to have managed to gain control of my feet once more, for they took me away from the conversation as fast as they could. Maybe they weren't talking about Alphonse and the Philosopher's Stone. They couldn't be. Yet despite all my logic told me, my instinct told me I was right. That Wren had abandoned our friendship to be with Jules and ally herself with Charles. So this was what was going to happen, so this was how it was going to be. Once in the drawing room, I collapsed onto the chaise and tried to catch my breath. Fortunately, Jeannette had not dressed me this morning and my corset stays were not as tight as they usually were; if this were any other day, I might have fainted, how embarrassing. And it was only a moment later that Lady Farnsworth stepped into the room. I did my best to struggle to my feet, but as soon as she saw me laying on the chaise, she rushed over to me. "Oh! My dear, are you quite all right? Don't move now, just rest."

A maid came in with tea and a plate of small tarts. "I'm sorry for coming so early, my Lady, but I must speak to Jules as soon as possible." I was able to sit up and took the cup of tea that Mrs. Haverford presented me with appreciation.

"Of course, however, he is off on his morning ride so I'm afraid he might be a few minutes." I blanched. She didn't know that Wren was here? But why? "Actually, it might be a blessing in disguise that Jules is not here this morning, for I have been hoping to speak to you alone for quite some time." She flush with embarrassment. "I do hope you won't think me impertinent if I say how happy I am that it is you who is marrying Jules."

I raised an eyebrow in curiosity. "Your tone implies that there was someone else before myself…?" I questioned.

The Dowager sighed. "I did not want to tell you this before you and I were closer because of the fact that you and she are bosom friends, however…I did wish to tell you that Jules and Wren Morgenstern were once engaged to be married." I was surprised, but in light of recent events, I did not find it too difficult to believe. "They'd known each other from infancy, so we were not surprised when Jules expressed interest, but he was quite young. He'd just finished Eton and was about to go off to Cambridge and…Wren was not the sort of young lady one wants for a daughter. Jules did not have much interest in Cambridge and Wren encouraged him to travel the world before he came back. Jules made it clear that he wished for Wren to come with him, as his wife. I knew, of course, that if they married he'd never go to Cambridge and never be a decent Viscount. Wren has too many ideas, I think. Too many grand schemes and plots. She wants to go off on some adventure and that is not the proper thought of a Viscountess. And the way she looks down upon everyone else as if she is better! And her family is even worse - have you met the rest of the Morgensterns? Despicable people, all of them. Lucy Morgenstern was naught sixteen when I first met her, and yet the neckline on the dress she wore was so low...you cannot believe the scandal." She sighed as if this was all so difficult. "You, however, you will make the perfect Lady Farnsworth."

At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to scream at her, to defend Wren as a sister might. Then I thought of the conversation I'd heard. How could I trust Wren anymore? She was never my friend. She'd always been going around behind my back with Jules. Not that I minded, not really, but her betrayal with Jules might be only the beginning of betrayals by Wren Morgenstern. I shut my eyes. And then there was the notion of the Dowager thinking that I would make a perfect Lady Farnsworth. I knew this was the furthest thing from the truth. I, too, longed for an adventure, I longed to be free from this backstabbing, secretive society. My heart had belonged to a man who was not my intended and dear Lord, I did not even have my innocence!

And yet I did not care. That was why I'd never be a perfect Lady Farnsworth, no matter what the Dowager thought.

I had no chance to say anything to her, for at that moment, Jules came in. The only thing that suggested he'd been doing something nefarious was the fact that his hair was mussed a little bit, and that was no indication, for it was windy out and his hair could have easily gotten mussed if he had been riding. The Dowager, suspecting nothing, smile a gracious smile as her son came in, stood up and kissed him on the cheek. "I'll leave you two to your convesation. Good day Miss Brighton. I hope to see you at the theater tomorrow night."

"You shall," I replied and dipped a curtsy. She sailed out of the room with all the airs of the Lady that she was. I turned to Jules. "You can have no reservations about why I am here," I told him, my tone not harsh, yet not soothing. What I was stating was as simple and as true as a fact. Jules nodded. I handed him his engagement ring. "I wish to decive you no further, my Lord," I said, keeping the chilliness out of my voice. I did not dare bring up the conversation that I'd overheard, I would discuss it with Alphonse tonight. I did not want Jules to be suspicious of me. "I never loved you, and I suspect you never loved me either. It is all right, but as of late I have been coming to terms with myself and know I cannot - will not - marry a man I do not love. I apologize."

"I understand," he replied. "I do, I swear." His smile, although his smile was full of an emotion that I likened to hurt. I was doing my damndest to keep my tone even, to not seem cold and mistrustful of him, but he noticed anyway. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask him why he should think he deserved my trust after plotting with Wren to destroy my fiance. "And I wish you all the best." He looked down to my left hand where Alphonse's signet ring sat for the world to see. With a flush I folded my arms so he could not see the crest of the Earl of Blackpool and know who he'd been replaced by. When I looked at his face, though, I knew I didn't have to tell him. He smiled, and his eyes shone with unshed tears - why? "Good luck with your future life."

"Y-you as well." His emotion caught me off guard. I leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. He caught my elbows in his hand as I was leaning down and looked into my eyes. He looked at me as if he were searching for something below the surface of my face. I lifted my chin. "Good day, my Lord," I told him after enough time had passed.

He let me go without hesitation. "Goodbye." The words were final in a most ominous way. I looked at him for just a moment longer and then turned, almost tripping on my hem as I rushed from the room.

When I arrived home, the house was quiet once more and I knew Alphonse had gone. Looking to the grandfather clock in the front drawing room, I saw that it was nearing eleven in the morning. What time did Alphonse expect me at supper that evening? Oh how I longed to see him, to touch his hand, to feel his breath on my cheek...soon. Very soon. I tiptoed my way up the stairs where Lily's door was half open. I could see her sitting in a chair, looking out the window. I knocked and her head turned. She smiled broadly when she saw me; I noticed her eyes were red. Stepping inside, I swallowed. "Alphonse came to see you?" I questioned. She nodded, a tear fell from her eye. She rubbed it away with the palm of her hand. "Did he apologize?"

"Yes, yes, he apologized. I would have forgiven him either way," she answered, her voice strained, soft and just a bit scratchy from the crying I knew she'd been doing. "Sometimes I forget..." she took a breath, "sometimes I forget how much of his father's son he is."

I faltered. "I know. But he is his own person, and a hundred times more wonderful because of that."

Lily smiled. Another tear came and went. I understood that she didn't answer my words. My stomach jumped impatiently. "Would you mind if I took one a drive around Hyde Park? I'll have one of the footmen act as my chaperone, but something about today is making me so...jumpy."

"By all means, my dear, please go!" Her smile turned into a grin. She stood up, and the expression on her face turned to one of awkward embarrassment. "Alphonse mentioned that you and he are to be congratualted," she said. "Congratulations. You two will be so very happy. Even if Jules was a smart match, I know how much you love Alphonse."

I looked down at my left hand and my love for him, which already seemed as vast as the ancient gardens at Babylon, grew ten times bigger. "I do," I answered, my voice full of surprise. "And I'll to be joining him for supper this evening." I curtsied. "Good day, Lily."

She raised a hand to bid me adieu. "Goodbye, Faerie." I blinked at her for a moment, recalling Jules's words. Lily's tone was not ominous, but full of emotion. Turning away and descending the stairs, I knew it must have to do with what Alphonse told her. We'd be married and then we were leaving. She may not see us for quite some time. She'd only just gotten her son back and now he was departing. Maybe we should delay the wedding so that Lily could have a little more time with her son.

I let the footman chaperone my drive through Hyde Park. Although the clouds hung low over the city, it did not rain. I bowed my head and smiled to each fashionable party I drove by and acquired some interesting looks. I was the future Viscountess Farnsworth to them...what was I doing in a ride through Hyde Park without my fiance? Still, everyone smiled to me for they knew I would soon be aristocracy, and they were right. I would be aristocracy, however, I'd be a countess, not an viscountess. Countess of Blackpool. The term sounded foreign, just as the Earl of Blackpool. Alphonse was no Earl, not really, and I had no right to the title of Countess. Still, I knew it would get me far in life. The aristocracy were a snobbish bunch, and being in the circle meant we'd be free to do as we pleased without fear of being ostracized. I took in the day, fanning myself as it grew hotter and hotter. We rode until well past noon, and after, I called on Olive, who I hadn't seen in quite some time. She was ecstatic to be the future Lady Cornwallis, and invited me to dine with her.

We chatted and gossipped, and I even worked up the courage to tell her I'd broken my engagement with Jules. She was aghast, but I explained that it was a mutual decision and that I was entering into a courtship with Alphonse Renshaw, Earl of Blackpool. Olive neither judge me nor did she disprove, in fact, she was all smiles when I showed her his signet ring on my left ring finger. I ooh'd and ahh'd over her own engagement ring and we discussed Sir Roger's Estate, Marymount Park, that was located in Kent. We talked about baby's names; she was looking forward to her first child and while I did not fancy being a mother for some time at least, I did enjoy suggesting outlandish names.

My heart was jumpy throughout the visit, however. Each time the grandfather clock chimed I knew I was getting closer and closer to seeing Alphonse. The love that was overtaking me seemed destined to become unbearable. I welcomed it.

At three, I departed and made my way back to Lily's house. She wasn't at home, which was not particularly odd. Instead I picked up a novel and attempted to read, managing to sneak glances at the clock in fifteen to twenty minute intervals until it was six and the sun was setting. Lily hadn't returned so I assumed she was dining out or with a friend. I went to my chamber, called for Jeanette to help me dress. I did not explain where I was going, just that I must look my best. She dressed me in a silver gown with a gold sash and tiny pearl earrings. She did not put up my hair but left it down in large curls, the way that was natural for me. I curtsied to her and set off towards Alphonse's townhouse. With each moment I got closer, my nerves jumped. I had no idea what would happen tonight, but maybe we might, again...I remembered what had happened the previous night and my cheeks flushed. It seemed to take forever to get there, but once I was there, it seemed time had gone by much too soon.

I was greeted by a dour-faced powdered footman and asked to wait in the foyer. The house was much too quiet and I suddenly felt ill at ease. My heart jumped and I murmured one name, Jason. I did not see him, I did not even feel him, but thinking his presence was here soothed me.

A creek of floorboards came from the right of the stairs. From a darkened hallway, a figured appeared. Jeremy. Jeremy with a pistol in his hands. My throat clenched. "Jeremy...what..." I managed to say.

"I was told not to trust you. I was told that your intentions towards Lord Blackpool were not in his best interest." His words were anunciated and stacatto; he was making sure I understood ever syllable of what he was saying. "So either you can leave now, alive, or you can leave in twenty minutes, dead."

I swallowed and licked my lips. If he was in league with Charles, I must be careful. "I shall leave, I promise you. I just wish to know who it was that told you I could not be trusted. Did Alphonse say that?"

"Lord Blackpool isn't here at the moment. And no, he didn't tell me you weren't to be trusted. She did. He came with her willingly, and before she left, she told me that you were to be taken care of if you came around." At this he faltered. "I don't wish to kill you, but if you don't leave of your own accord, I will be forced to take action."

"Yes, I promise I will go. Who is 'she', though?" I asked.

Jeremy scowled. "I don't know. She was beautiful, though. And Lord Blackpool trusted her. I asked him and he told me he trusted her with his life."

"Did he hear her telling you not to trust me?"

"No, he was out the door by then, she said he had to go see his father...but I know he would have wanted me to...as soon as he let you into his bed I knew..." Jeremy shook the pistol at me and cocked it. "You've taken too long, now I really will have to kill you." His words were full of fear, yet I did not doubt what he was capable of. Alphonse was going to Charles. So it had come to this. Someone had simply taken him out of his own house. I took a step backward and stumbled once again on my hem. I cursed myself for this sudden day of clumsiness. Jeremy advanced on me. Under my breath, I repeated Jason's name over and over, hoping he would come. She was beautiful. I knew who it had to be. There was only one beautiful woman that Alphonse did, literally, trust with his life. Someone who was planning to end it tonight.

Wren.