Can't Stop Won't Stop

"And it's been how long?" Ryland asked me, his eyes growing wider with each word.

"A year today exactly." I answered, drumming my fingers nervously on the steering wheel.

Ryland squirmed around awkwardly in his seat, sighing. "Gabe, why now? You were doing so well! I thought you were over it."

I kept my eyes glued to the highway in front of me, "Because I can't bare to live the rest of my life knowing that I lied to her, and I left her heartbroken."

Ryland was quiet for a moment before responding. I could tell he was trying to be very careful with whichever words he picked. "How do you know she hasn't, uhm... moved on?"

"She still talks to Victoria's cousin. Apparently she's barely left her house."

"Sounds like someone I know."

I shot him a glare quickly before fixing my attention back on the road.

"I'm just saying, time is the best healer. It was supposed to be a fling; nothing more. But you just had to stick around, and you got yourself into a mess. You knew you couldn't stay loyal to her on the road. And then you started talking about love? Honestly, what were you thinking?"

"I never cheated on Juli, Ry."

"Right. Whatever you say."

"I never fucking cheated on her!"

"You two were together for about a month, and then we left on tour. We were only gone a week and you stopped off at her house as we were passing through to break up with her because you met another girl. That's called cheating, Gabe."

"I didn't cheat!" I yelled, turning my head momentarily to shoot Ryland an icy stare.

He opened his mouth to respond as his phone started ringing. "Forget it." He mumbled as I turned back towards the road. He flipped open his phone, greeting whoever was on the other line.

I zoned out momentarily as Ryland began to argue with whoever he was talking to.

I pulled up to her driveway, sitting in my car momentarily. It took my forever to work up the courage to get out of the car, and by the time I had shut the car door closed behind me, she had spotted the car and was making her way out onto the front porch.

"Gabe?" She called to me, stopping at the top of the porch steps, waiting for me to come closer. "Is this an early birthday surprise or something? You guys aren't supposed to be back for another couple of months!"

My stomach churned at the mention of her birthday. I felt even more guilty as I slowly made my way up the porch steps. She wrapped her arms tightly around me as I reached the top, as I stood there awkwardly. I shut my eyes tightly reciting the speech I had prepared through my head for the millionth time.

She pulled away, looking up at me quizzically. "Is something wrong, Gabe?"

"Listen, Julianna, we need to talk."

She froze momentarily as I used her full name. She knew I never used that unless I was really being serious. She turned toward the front door, "Come inside and have a seat."

She turned back around to look at me when I didn't move. "Julianna, we can't do this anymore."

She blinked a couple times, just staring at me.

"There was another girl, on tour, and... it's over. Between you and me. It's over. It was never going to happen. Relationships on the road just don't work." I looked down at my shoes, unable to look her in the eyes. "This fling was fun while it lasted, but it was never going to last. Sorry." I turned and headed down the steps onto the driveway, as I reached my car door I froze, turning to look at her. "And, uh... happy early birthday, I guess."

I climbed into my car, taking one last glance at her tear-stained face before pulling out of the driveway, and driving out of her life.

"Gabe? Dude?"

I shook my head, looking back over at Ryland. "Uh, yeah?"

"That was our exit you just passed back there."

"Shit." I muttered, pulling off at the next exit.

_____________

Ryland had just carried the last amp into my basement from the van and was currently leaning in the doorway of my living room. "If that's it, I'm going to head out, okay?"

"Yeah, sure." I nodded, tossing him the keys to the van, and following him down the hallway towards the front door. "Tomorrow's her birthday."

Ryland paused in the doorway, turning to look at me. "What?"

"Juli's birthday. I broke her heart the day before her birthday. Am I an awful person, Ry?"

He opened his mouth to reply, but closed it soon after. He repeated this a couple times before speaking. "I don't know, Gabe. I don't know."

"Do you think going to see her is the wrong thing to do?"

"Follow your heart, man. That's really all I can say." Ryland turned back around, closing the door quietly behind him as I stood in the hallway, slowly picking my brain apart.

_____________

I thought all night, and all the next day about what Ryland had said. I really didn't know what to do. My heart said to win her back, tell her the truth; but my brain said that it had been too long and I had missed my chance.

It was just shortly after sunset when I found myself, slipping on my shoes and zipping up my hoodie. I took the long way to her house, deciding to walk instead of drive.

Before I knew it, I was digging for rocks in her front garden, mud all over the knees of my jeans from kneeling down. As I stood back up, a couple small stones in hand, I took a few steps backwards into the middle of her lawn. Running my thumb over the cool stone, debated whether or not I was doing the right thing.

My right arm took on a life of it's own as I started lightly throwing rocks at the window on the far right before I could register what was happening. I had no speech planned out and I was now terrified of what was going to happen next.

The window opened, and her head popped out, staring down at me. "Gabe?" She called out to me, surprise showing through her voice.

I didn't know what I was supposed to say to her. Apologize? Wish her a happy birthday? I remained quiet for a moment, trying to find words.

"There was no girl."

"What is going on? Wait, what are you talking about, Gabe?"

"Julianna, I lied to you. I was scared." I looked at the grass momentarily before looking back up at her. "I had just heard of all these horror stories of couples that were meant to be breaking up over the stress of the distance while on tour. And there were all these feelings I had for you; feelings I'd never felt before. I panicked. I thought that if I cheated on you it would make the break up easier for me, and you wouldn't blame yourself. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I made some girl up. I never cheated."

"Gabe-"

"And I did it all the day before your birthday! Breaking your heart was not the present I wanted to leave you with. And I wanted so many times to undo everything, but we had been on tour non-stop and I never got a chance to come home. And, Juli, I'm so sorry."

"Gabriel!" She shouted, cutting me off. "Victoria told me everything. I understand."

"I never got to give you your present last year." I reached into my pocket, pulling out a small ring. "Juli, I love you. More than anything in the world. This isn't an engagement ring. More of a promise ring. A promise that I'll love you forever, and maybe one day, we can get married."

My heart sank when I received no reply. I looked upwards to see her closing her window. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears, as I closed my hand tightly around the ring.

"I love you too." There she stood, at the top of the steps on the porch; the same place I had broken her heart a year ago. She came running towards me, tears streaming down her face.

"I swear to God, I'll never leave you again." I whispered slipping the ring onto her middle finger on her left hand.

"You damn well better not." She grinned, as I pulled her closer to me, crashing her lips onto mine.