Consciousness and Confidence

Jimmy driving normally was scary. But, when Jimmy was angry, his driving was ten times worse than before. I was literally hugging the rear of the seat infront of me, apologizing to Johnny everytime my arm knocked against his in a rush.

He didn't mind much though, because he was clutching onto the chair in the same frantic way I was.

"Jimmy, where are we going?" I asked, as he made another sharp turn, causing my body to sway to the right.

He was setting an intense glare on the road ahead, and soon slowed as he neared an oncoming street. "Brian's." he replied, gruffly.

I'm sure my eyes were the size of saucers by then. "What!?" I yelled, causing Johnny to wince. "We cannot go there Jimmy! I can't go there. Turn around!"

He just huffed and continued driving until he got into Brian's driveway. Within the thirty seconds I convinced myself that I would be staying in the car. Nothing could make me walk into there and look at Brian's face.

However, luck was not on my side. When we pulled in, Brian was walking out to his mail-box at that same moment. Fuck.

Jimmy turned off the car and stormed over to Brian who simply waved at him and greeted him with a smile. But, his smile faded when he saw the expression on Jimmy's face.

"Hey Jim." I heard him greet, while I was still seated inside the car. Johnny had gotten out and was leaning against it behind Jimmy.

"Are you an idiot!?" Jimmy yelled, making Brian give him a completely confused look.

He then looked from Jimmy to Johnny, and finally his eyes landed on me sitting in the car, staring at him. His eyes instantly became hard.

"Oh, I see. She told you I ditched her, didn't she?" he asked, turning back to Jimmy. "What a little liar."

My anger returning once again, I shoved the car door open and stood up in a rush. "You did ditch me, Brian!"

He shook his head. "As I recall, you walked away from me."

"You left me when I went to the bathroom. I came out and you weren't there anymore! So, you ditched me first." I spat. He had the nerve to defend himself after all the shit he pulled yesterday.

"Yeah, well-"

"That's enough!" Jimmy shouting, stopping Brian from making any sort of a comeback. "I don't fucking care who left who first."

I rolled my eyes from where I was standing. Jimmy could surely stop the argument I was having with Brian, but he couldn't stop me from still being pissed off.

"It matters to me." Brian huffed, walking back towards his mailbox, as he had originally planned to do when coming outside.

"No" Jimmy argued. "What matters is that Ryyan drank last night. She drank a hell of a lot."

Now, Brian had turned back around to stare at me. A confused look etched onto his features for a moment, as if he were trying to figure something out. Then, a second later, it was gone. His indifference replaced it.

"I already knew that." he said. His tone of voice hurt me, just because it sounded like he too was disappointed in me.

Suddenly, I found myself walking closer to where he was standing. Why? I had no clue. I just felt the need to be where Jimmy was. He would protect me, wouldn't he?

Feeling open and vulnerable is always crushing, especially when you've lied to yourself about how weak you really are. Right now, I just wanted to hug someone (preferrably Jimmy), squeeze my eyes shut, and pretend Brian never exsisted.

"You're wrong, Brian. About what you thought happpened. Ryyan wasn't drinking when you found her. Someone spilt beer on her." Jimmy explained, while Johnny and I nodded violently at his sides.

He stared at us for a few moments, probably digesting everything. We just stood there, not speaking. I shouldn't care if Brian believes me. I shouldn't want him to feel sorry for the things he's said. That never actually stops me from feeling it anyways.

"You." he pointed his finger at me, ending his silence. "Why did you go drink if you knew you were right anyways?"

Oh man, this question I wasn't sure I wanted to answer. I sucked in a deep breath before exhaling. I looked up at him from where I stood, shrugging. Internally, I prayed he would take that as a sufficiant answer.

"No, tell me." he ordered, sternly before adding a much softer "I want to know."

I hung my head, trying to escape the gaze of the three boys around me. "Because," I said loudly, before deciding to lower my tone. "Because, what you said really hurt."

I wanted to disappear in that moment. I closed my eyes, refusing to look at any of them. I felt stupid for caring. I felt like it wasn't worth the effort to care what he had said. I just wanted to Brian to have a zero percent effect on me.

"Oh." he muttered. I took a chance and glanced up at him. He was glaring at the ground. "So, it's my fault then?"

"You both contributed it." Johnny said from besides me.

"Ryyan?" Brian attempted to get my attention. I focused my eyes on him. "I'm sorry."

Those were two words I've never heard Brian Haner Jr. say to me before.