Consciousness and Confidence

The car ride back home was a little more silent than it usually would be. Matt was driving and Brian was sitting in the passenger's seat. I was stuck, once again, in the back. I merely stared out the window, watching the houses pass by.

"So" Matt started, making my eyes advert from the window. "Are you going to that party, Ryyan?"

I sighed, knowing this question was bound to come up sooner or later. Honestly, I hadn't wanted to think about it much. I thought I could handle parties, and I was pretty damn positive that I could go through one without incident. But, at the same time I can't control what happens around me. And, if something majorly upsets me like last time, I could mess up worse than before.

"I-I don't know what I want to do, Matt." I confessed, rubbing my forehead warily.

"Do you want to go to it?" Brian asked, turning his head around to look at me. "Do you want to go hang out with JayJay and Cale? Because, none of us are going to stop you from doing whatever you feel like." He gave me a small smile, as some sort of encouragement.

I shook my head. "I don't really want to be there with Cale and JayJay." I diverted my gaze to something else, like the upholstery in Matt's old car. Looking at Brian at the same time thinking about Cale and Jay was something I couldn't handle.

"I thought you said everything was fine between you and Jay now?" Matt added in, looking at me with questioning eyes through the rear-view mirror. He seemed to be developing his own ideas as to why I was so hesitant this time; ideas that I think we're somewhat correct.

I nodded, vehemently. "Everything is fine, I just don't really want to be around Jay when she's with Cale." Was I giving away to much? Was I making myself seem jealous of JayJay and Cale? Was I still jealous? I squirmed in my seat at the thought.

"Why?" Brian pressed, still having his head turned back at me. I gave him eyes to drop the subject, but he didn't seem to catch them. I sighed, realizing I was going to have to give these two nosey boys a reason.

"Because" I stressed. "JayJay actually likes Cale for real, and I want to leave her alone with him. But, if I go, I won't know anyone else there so I'd be forced to interrupt them." I smiled at the end, pleased with myself for coming up with something slightly logical in such a short period of time.

Matt sat there and took in my story, acting as if he believed me. Brian, on the other hand was smirking. "Bullshit."

My glorious smile instantly fell. "What?" I questioned. "You don't believe me then?" I could feel a tinge of anger begin to build. Brian better not take things to a different level again. I've had no tollerance for him or his know-it-all attitude.

"You heard me. I said 'bullshit'." He looked deep into my eyes, and I could tell that he, as well as Matt hadn't even given my story a second thought.

I sat back in my seat, upset that they had made their own conclusions. "Well, it seems the two of you already know why. For the hell of it, why don't you share it with me?"

As a response, I recieved silence, which only added to my anger. I sighed knowing that I wasn't about to get the story from either boy. The roof of our house was in plain sight, and as soon as Matt pulled into our driveway I was out of that car.

I slammed the back door shut and stomped my way into the house. As I was leaving I could hear Jimmy from the other car say "What happened with Ryyan?"

I wasn't sure what made me so angry. Really, I wasn't sure why everything lately had been such a big deal to me. Maybe, if I just relaxed a bit more things wouldn't anger me so easily. Just breathe in and out, that's all I needed to do.

I slowly grabbed ahold of the hand rail and tugged myself up to my room, yearning to escape my thoughts in a book or television. Luck wasn't on my side, because the minute I was on my comfortable bed, taking in the silence, a knock fell upon my door.

"Who is it?" I called in a tired voice, not bothering to move off my bed.

"Brian." I heard him reply through the door. "Can I come in for a minute?"

I didn't respond, hoping that maybe he would just let me be. But, then again this was Brian and he was a stubborn as an ox. There was no chance he would leave without a direct response to his question.

I groaned inwardly. There was only one way that I could think to get him to go away as quick as possible. "Yeah, come in." I yelled, sounding not the least bit thrilled.

Brian poked his head through the door first, making eye contact with me before completely walking through the door and closing it behind him. He stood leaning against the opening to my room, his mouth ready to begin whatever speech he wanted to give. Instead, I decided to cut him off first.

"Why do keep coming to talk to me when I'm upset or angry? You know how I just take it out on you, so why do you make yourself go through the aggrivation of getting in a fight with me? It doesn't make any sense what so ever, Brian. Do you like fighting with me or something?" I questioned, honestly wanting to know the answer.

Obviously, he hadn't prepared for me to take a hold of the conversation, because all he did was open and close his mouth multiple times. Finally, he had come up with a suitable answer. "Your anger doesn't effect me."

His answer did nothing but leave a confident smirk on my face. It was so obvious that when I'm angry at him, he is effected. None of his words were going to convince me otherwise. "Bullshit." I spoke, mimicking him from earlier in the car.

"This has nothing to do with what I wanted to talk about!" he said, frustrated. He threw up his arms in the air, trying to unfocus my attention from the questions I had asked. I wasn't planning on letting him stray my train of thought, until he spoke again in a much calmer, soothing voice. "I wanted to ask you something."

I looked at him suspiciously. "What?" I asked, leaning forward a bit on my bed. He shuffled a bit closer, and took a seat in my computer chair.

He looked directly into my eyes, completely serious. I was literally immobile, once again, under his stare. "Why don't you really want to go to that party?"

His question snapped me out of my little momentary trance. I huffed as I fell back on the bed, not wanting to look at Brian anymore. I couldn't; not when I was avoiding the truth. "Why should I tell you, Brian? Why is it so important for you to know?" I asked, hoping I could lead him off track again.

He remained quiet for a moment. I was praying he was debating whether or not to answer my question. But, it turned out to be nothing more than a hope for me to answer his first. "Please?" He whispered softly, after neither one of us responded. It came out so timidly, I doubted if he had actually said anything at all.

I sat up again and ran one strangled hand through my hair. "Brian, how am I suppose to trust you?" I looked up at him, and I could tell the both of us honestly had no answer to that question. "What could make me feel like it's okay to share things with you? We hated each other, and would do things to make the other miserable. Why has this changed?"

Before I could think anymore, Brian got up and sat on the edge of the bed even closer to me. His hand rested calmly on my knee. "Give me an ounce of trust, and I will prove to you that we can build it up more and more as each day passes. Just, give me a chance first."

He made a good point, and something within me gave up trying to block him out so badly. "Fine, one chance." I agreed.

A small smile grew on his face, but nothing but struggle was visible on mine. I knew I had to share something with him now, he was waiting for it. Giving him part of my thoughts would be alright, I hoped.

"I don't want to go to that party, because I'm afraid something will push me over the edge and I'll just go charge off drinking again." I confessed.

I watched as he took in my answer for a moment. "That's not all of what you're thinking." He stated, obviously showing how well he knew my thoughts.

"No, it isn't." I replied.

He got up off the bed and made his way to the door, before stopping to turn around and look at me. "I'm glad I got some sort of answer out of you. As for the rest of it, you'll tell me once you trust me more, won't you?" It came out as a small beg.

I sent him a half-encouraging smile. "Probably, Brian. But, everything is subject to change, including myself."

He nodded and opened the door to leave when a body instantly fell on top of him. To be more specific, it was Jimmy's body. They went down together with a giant thump.

"Ouch, sorry." he apologized, getting himself off a now smushed Brian. "I was just leaning against the door, for some quiet silence upstairs..."

"Don't lie, Jim." I ordered, chuckling at his absurd notion that we would believe his excuse. "We both know you just got caught evesdropping."

He frowned, moving out of the way for Brian to pass. He didn't seem to nervous about whether or not Jimmy had heard our conversation. He just left swiftly.

"A lot good that did, I didn't hear anything through your door." Jimmy complained, huffing at his lack of snooping skills. It made me chuckle, but in my mind my thoughts were turning with suspicion.

Despite the fact that he didn't hear our conversation, why wasn't Jimmy wondering why we were talking together in the first place? I narrowed my eyes at him, while he looked back in confusion.

What did he know?