Consciousness and Confidence

Brian was standing before me, a beer in his right hand and his left barely grasping the skin above my elbow from where it fell as I turned around. He was smiling brilliantly at me, like he was relishing being caught in the act of doing something bad.

"When do I listen to what other people tell me to do?" he asked, rhetorically. I nodded, understanding his point. But, it was still unlike anyone to do the opposite of what Matt asked, especially if it involved me. That sounds like I think highly of myself, like I'm special. I'm not special. Matt's just an overbearing, maniacal brother that gives anyone the evil eye if they try to come within ten feet of me.

I shook my head from the stupid thoughts that were consuming it. I have to stop thinking about Matt. Apparently, the head shaking, added to a newly formed frown courtesy of my brother's image in my brain, was noticeable.

"Something wrong, Ryyan?" Brian questioned, giving me a look of minor concern.

I rubbed my fingers over my temple, while shaking my head again. "No, no. Nothing’s wrong..." I trailed off again, stealing a glance at the bottle in Brian's hand. Lucky for me, he noticed that too. It was out of my sight within an instant.

"Come on." he ordered, begining to usher me out of the kitchen towards the front door. "Let's get you some air."

My little glance was all that it took for him to spring into 'big brother' mode. He probably thought something was stressing me out, when in reality nothing really was. And, the stress he imagined I was having, was causing me to feel the urge to consume alcohol.

"Brian, wait, I don't need outside." I protested, but he wouldn't let up.

"Just follow me, Ry. We're going away from the commotion." he said, not even bothering to turn and look at my face at all.

I was begining to become a little infuriated. It wasn't that big of a deal if I did choose to throw back a drink or two. It wasn't like I was a teenage alcoholic. Everyone kept tip-toeing around me with this nonsense that I truly needed to become clean and sober.

I'm not saying I don't enjoy the new life-style that I'm living. It's just that, well, I did this whole change for myself and to feel like I had more control of myself, my life, and the memories I'm going to hold within it. Right now, all it's doing is making me miserable. I get nervous about going to a party, afraid something's going to cause me to drink. I have my brother and his friends following me around at parties like some form of secret service men. This was out of hand. This was not what I had expected or experienced when I was with my cousin.

I hadn't even noticed where we were headed while I was thinking. When I had finally pulled my arm from Brian's grasp, we were already out on the back porch, where only a few people were scattered around.

Feeling no energy to get up and walk myself through people again, I sat down with a large 'thump' on the edge of the porch near the stairs that led to the grassy yard. Brian sat down to my left.

"So, why am I here?" I questioned, already sure of the answer I was to receive. I pushed the red cup in my hands up to my lips as I glanced at the boy to my side.

He too took a sip of his own alcoholic beverage, before answering with an indifferent shrug.

I didn't really have anything interesting to respond back with, so instead I chose to watch the few people that were outside too.

I scanned the yard, seeing no one of real interest, just some kids talking quietly amongst themselves, a couple fiercely making out behind a tree, and someone trying to stumble out of the yard with class (and failing at it). As I watched the drunken guy for a few minutes, something new caught my eye. Two people were sitting in the grass in the far right corner of the yard. Both of them were staring intently at the other with a smile so sweet, it was sickening.

I squinted to see them more clearly in the dark. First I made out the boy's blonde curly hair. Then, I recognized the girl's purple tank-top. JayJay had one just like it. That’s when it hit me that the couple was indeed JayJay and Cale. Surprisingly, it hit me a lot harder than I expected it to, and I turned away with a sneer. Glancing at Brian, I could see his eyes were also set on my best friend and her crush. I couldn't stop myself from looking back at them, just in time to catch them in a kiss.

My stomach did a flip, but I didn't pull my eyes away.

"Hey," Brian spoke quietly, "isn’t' that t-shirt boy?" I nodded, my stare never wavering. "And isn't that your friend with him?" Again, I nodded.

I could tell Brian was looking at me now, waiting to see what I would do. But, as much as I tried to move my eyes away and take it all in nonchalantly, I wouldn't let myself budge.

The minute the two parted for air, my gaze was broken. I blinked a few times before looking down at my lap and taking another sip of my soda.

"You're jealous."

I whipped my head to the left to catch Brian smirking at me, motioning over to JayJay and Cale on the grass. The two were now doing nothing more than holding hands but, that's all that it took for my insides to squirm again.

I frowned at Brian. "I am not jealous of JayJay."

"I never said you were jealous of Jay." he stated, calmly. "I just said that you were jealous."

I scoffed. "What do I have to be jealous of?"

Inside, I already knew what he was going to say. Maybe, because it was true or just the obviousness of his answer. "What they have with each other."

His quiet voice echoed in my head as I looked again at the two. I noticed the joy on their faces, the way his thumb was stroking the back of her hand, the aura of happiness that seemed to emit from their bodies. The closer I observed, the clearer it became. It was what I wanted all along.

Cale wasn't what I wanted. Yes, he might have been cute and kind to me but, the prospect of a relationship was what drew me closer. When he showed the interest he had in JayJay, I became bothered with the fact that the opportunity had come and gone. And I was alone, witnessing instead of living it. Deep down, realizing this, my heart heaved a sigh of relief.

I averted my eyes to the red plastic cup in my hands, embarrassed that Brian had figured things out so easily. It was so quiet and he was still looking at me. I knew he was waiting for some sort of response.

"So what if I am?" I admitted, my cheeks growing hot.

"You shouldn't be." he replied. At this, I looked up at him and finally noticed the small distance between the two of us. It was hot outside, but I could tell the difference between that and the heat that radiated off of his body.

"W-why not?" I stumbled, watching his brown eyes for some sort of answer to my question.

Brian didn't respond to me quickly. He appeared to be thinking things out within his head, all the while never looking anywhere else but my face. We didn't move for what felt like hours; I wasn't even sure I was remembering to breathe.

After what felt like forever, I received my response; Brian's breath tingling over my lips, his hand moving to cup the side of my face, his eyes searching for any sort of a hesitation in mine.

And then, his lips were brushing against mine lightly, waiting for a response. I was frozen, a bit shocked, that Brian would coming out of the blue like this. I wasn’t even aware that he liked me!

Then I thought about something else. What if he didn’t really like me at all? What if he was drunk and this was all some big mistake? Even worse, what if this was his idea of some sick joke? I’d feel stupid for kissing him only to have him laugh in my face.

But, despite these worried thoughts, something within me screamed that it was for real and to trust him. I gave into Brian’s lips and kissed back, more eagerly.

That was all Brian needed. His arm tangled itself around my waist, pulling me closer to his body. I shifted to face him better, placing my arms around his neck. The kiss was long and sweet. I could feel Brian's calloused thumb stroking my hip in a gentle motion. I couldn't stop myself from pulling him even closer that I was practically sitting on top of him.

After a what didn't feel like enough time, Brian pulled away slowly with a know-it-all smile.

"Stop smiling like that." I ordered, with my own cheesy grin.

"No." That's all he said before I pressed my lips to his once again.