Consciousness and Confidence

“And that, my friends is the real reason I have these handcuffs tattooed around my neck.” Jimmy concluded, gesturing to the ink on his throat. I glanced around at everyone, each with their own beers in hand and various emotions etched onto their features.

I, for one, could not enjoy the extremely odd and interesting story Jimmy had just revealed, despite how much I had questioned in the past why those handcuffs were there. My blood was still boiling over what I had heard from Jimmy a few hours back.

I had desperately tried to convince myself that possibly Brian told this story to the guys to cover for himself. But, then did that mean he was planning to come to the party anyways? To come and woo me? Or had he simply been rejected and when he came upon me at the party in a seemingly vulnerable state, decided to take advantage of it? No excuse came into my mind without a reason to get upset with Brian. I hated him more with every single idea that popped into my brain.

Johnny was still laughing at the end of Jimmy’s story as I stood up, away from the couch. Everyone’s eyes turned to me. “I, uh, think I’m going to get going. It’s late and I’m tired.” I stretched out an arm to try to go along with my words. “I’ll see you later. It was nice to meet you, Val.”

Jimmy, who had become a bit tipsy over the past hours, was the first to respond back. “But, I drove you here. How are you going to get back?”

I shrugged, noticing Zacky’s glance in the corner of my eye. I involuntarily frowned. “I’ll just walk. It’s no big deal.”

Oh, how stupid of me to assume that was going to fly with my brother still seated five feet away from me. “Like hell you are.” He said, removing his arm from around Val and placing it into his pocket in search of something. “I’ll drive you back. You’re not walking around this late at night.” I rolled my eyes at him.

”You don’t have to take her, Matt. I will.” Zacky offered, putting his cup down on the coffee table in front of him. My stomach dropped at the idea of spending a car ride with him. He would probably bring up Brian and I. That thought got my so panicked I was afraid I might throw up.

Matt gave Zacky a skeptical look. “Are you sure?”

Zacky nodded and waved his hand at him. “Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. I should be heading home now anyways. I’ve got practice in the morning.” Matt just nodded and stopped fiddling around for his keys in his pocket. As his arm returned to Val’s shoulder, Zacky stood up.

A round of goodbyes were exchanged for both Zacky and I. With one final smile at Val, I turned around with Zacky next to me, and began to walk through the house towards the front door. A few times I glanced in his direction just to see him with an expressionless face as he pivoted around people in conversations.

As we stepped out of the house, I was hit with a cool breeze from the night air. I instinctively wrapped my arms over each other. Had it been this cold when I was outside before? Guilt clouded my brain the minute I realized what I had thought. It had not been this cold out before. And if it had, I wouldn’t have noticed or cared; Brian’s arms were wrapped around me, shielding me from any of the cool breezes. I shook my head to rid the scene replaying behind my eyes.

I hadn’t even realized I stopped walking until I heard Zacky shout “Come on. It’s cold and I want to go home!”

Quickly, I made my way up to where he was, standing beside a deep red little four-door. When he unlocked the doors, I pulled the passenger’s open and sat down quickly. I forcefully closed the door and buckled my seat belt in. As Zacky began to drive, I made it my business to memorize every inch of the scenery around us. I didn’t even want to glance in his direction in fear he would take it as the initiative to start up a conversation.

Two minutes of silence passed and it seemed as if I would be in the clear for the rest of the ride home. Zacky acted as if he wanted to start a conversation with me as much as I did. Unfortunately, my phone began ringing and vibrating quite loudly from my pants pocket. I wiggled to get it out in time, but ended up missing the call. The number on the screen read ‘JayJay’. I sighed and slipped it back in my pants.

”So, you and Brian, huh?” Zacky spoke a second later, his voice oozing with smugness.

I frowned deeply and stared straight ahead. “That was a mistake.” I replied, quickly.

He laughed shortly. “It didn’t look like you thought it was much of a mistake at the time.”

”Well, I do now.” I snapped, trying to make my point.

However, Zacky just couldn’t seem to let things rest that easily. “You looked like you were enjoying yourself. What could have changed your mind in such a short time?”

I rand a strangled hand through my hair. There was a reason I was not as close with Zacky as I was with any of the other guys. He was a complete and total jerk and would do anything in his power to make sure I was pissed off. In other words, he was just like Brian used to be.

”Look” I said, forcefully. “I don’t like Brian and he doesn’t like me. What happened between us was a complete mistake and you can be sure it will not happen again. So, just drop it, okay?”

I took a chance to look to the left at him. He was staring out at the road with the cheekiest grin on his face. “You say that now, Ryyan. But, he’s gotten under your skin, just every other girl he's been with.”

By this point, Zacky had turned into my driveway. Rage pulsed through my veins. Zacky thinks I’m just like every other stupid airhead that has dated Brian. He knows nothing about me, nor has he made an effort to. “Fuck you, Zack. You don’t know shit.” I hissed before getting out of the car, slamming the door closed and making my way up the front steps.

My thoughts were swirling through my brain. Zacky knows about Brian and I. Zacky can tell everyone about what happened between the two of us. Zacky thinks Brian has gotten me under his spell. Brian thinks he’s gotten me under his spell. I am not. I do not like Brian. Zacky is not right. Matt will not find out. I don’t like Brian, I just don’t.

I was on the third step of my hallway stairs when the urge to vomit came. I bolted up the rest of them with thundering footsteps and ran for the bathroom. The minute I dropped to the ground, all my drinks of that night came back up and out of me. I leaned over the bowl for a few seconds, making sure everything was out, before shakily laying down on the cool tiled floor. My breath was ragged and I could feel the pounding of a headache coming on.

I remained there for a few more seconds, trying to compose myself, before standing up, brushing my teeth, flushing the toilet, and making my way towards my closed door at the end of the hallway.

As I opened the door I noticed three things.

The first was that the light in my room was on.

The second was that the window had been pushed completely open and was letting in the night’s breeze.

The third was that Brian Haner Jr. was staring at me with a worried expression from my bed.

”Are you okay, Ry?”

I think I'm going to puke, again.