Consciousness and Confidence

I stirred from my sleep the next morning to cool, empty sheets. Stretching my arms over my head, the memories of the night before came flooding back. Drama of some sort was sure to ensue from everything that’s happened, it was impossible for it to not. I inwardly groaned, wondering if everything I was thinking about could possibly be an extremely elaborate and realistic dream. There was no body next to mine, so what’s to prove it otherwise?

Deciding to get up for the day, I rolled over and stumbled my way out of bed and into the bathroom down the hall. My brother’s door was wide open, alerting me that he was already awake. I just grunted and shut the bathroom door behind me. I was in no mood to converse with that boy yet. When I turned around, I noticed my cell phone sitting beneath the toilet on the tiled floor. I furrowed my eyebrows, guessing it probably fell out when I was got sick. But, strangely, when I went to pick it up, there was a post-it note taped beneath it.

I pulled it off the phone and read:

Hey Ry,

I figured it’d be smart to leave before anyone woke. I’ll see you soon.

B

Okay, so that just ruined the dream theory. I took the note in my hands and made motion to crush it within my palm but stopped. I wanted to keep it. I don’t know why, exactly, but it made me kind of happy. So I just folded it over and rested it next to my phone on the sink until I was done with my bathroom business.

I moved back to my room slowly, rubbing my eyes and letting out a final stretch to wake up. Last night was… nice? I don’t know what to think of it. Obviously, it wasn’t lovely entirely because I had to deal with Zacky Baker being a douche bag. But, thinking of Brian and what had evolved was nice.

I had not one fucking clue as to what to make of him and his feelings. Yet, that wasn’t going to stop me from turning last night into a good thing. I over-analyze everything, especially lately. I muttered under my breath a promise that I would not do that with what happened. Not anymore than I already had, at least.

”Oh, thank god the princess is up.” I heard come from the doorway behind me. I didn’t even have to look to know who it was.

”The princess has every right to sleep in on a Saturday morning, actually.” I replied smugly, searching through some clothes on the floor of my closet to wear. They were all wrinkled or smelled like they had already worn out the good scent of clean clothing.

As I lifted up a pair of jeans and sniffed, Matt asked “Are you going out or something?” The pants smelled, so I threw them back in a heap on the floor and went to grab a new pair.

I shook my head while repeating my previous actions. ”No, but, is it a crime for me to want to be dressed at-“ I took a glance at my alarm clock, “2:30 in the afternoon?” I smiled wide as I realized my favorite ripped jeans didn’t reek, and stood up straight and faced my brother who didn’t seem to find it necessary to reply to my question. “So, unless you want to be incestuous and watch me change, I suggest you leave and shut the door behind you.”

He wrinkled his nose at me in disgust at the thought, and grabbed hold of the doorknob, muttering “Someone needs to get laid, soon.” on his way out.

”I heard that!” I yelled through the door. “And I doubt you, of all people, would allow that statement to actually come true.” All I heard was his chuckle down the hall. I rolled my eyes and then proceeded to get dressed. Occasionally my eyes would dart down the piece of paper poking out from underneath my phone, and I’d instinctively smile. Then, I’d realize what the hell I was doing, and shake my head in disbelief at my silliness.

Just as I was tying up the laces on my converse, I heard the doorbell ring throughout the house. I lifted my head for a second and waited before hearing Matt yell my name to come down. It had to be JayJay, no one else would come visit me, honestly.

I skipped out of my room and down the stairs, whistling happily. As I came to the bottom of the stairs, I made eye contact with my best friend that was, indeed, standing by the front door. I stopped my little tune.

”Holy balls!” she yelled, gaining the attention of myself and Matt, who was watching tv in the room next door.

I furrowed my brow in confusion “Wha-“

”Who the fuck did you lay and how good were they to get you smiling like that?”she questioned, grinning like a mad man at me. Before I even had time to register what on Earth she was saying, she continued further. “I mean, the last time you whistled Dixie was after Josh Feldmen’s party last year when you and him totally f-“

”-ed his cat!” I shouted, attempting to quickly drown Jay’s voice from going any further with what she was about to say. “We fed his cat brownies!” She gave me a look like I was insane, obviously not catching on to my pathetic cover-up.

”Whoever you fucked must have fucked your brains out, because that is completely wrong and it makes no sense, Ryyan.” She replied, still not catching on and digging me into a deeper grave. “Josh Feldmen doesn’t even have a cat.”

I hit my hand to my cheek and with the other, grabbed her own, dragging her upstairs before my nosey brother began to question us. “Let’s talk in my room, okay?” I asked, not that it mattered. I was already forcing her up the stairs.

In the safety of my room, with the door closed behind us, I brought back up the subject of the night before. “So, you and Cale, eh?” I giggled, sending a knowing smirk in Jay’s direction. She blushed scarlet, something I’d rarely ever seen her do.

”How do you know about that?” she asked, collapsing onto my unmade bed. My memory returned to the night before, outside of the party, sitting on the back porch with Brian and witnessing the first kiss between my friend and the boy she liked. It really was an adorable thing to have seen, despite how jealous I was at the time.

”I went outside for some air and saw you two.” I smiled, nudging her shoulder. “So,” I nudged again making her giggle again, “how was it?” She ducked her head down so that her hair was covering her embarrassed face. This was such a strange experience. JayJay has never been like with guys, she’s never seriously liked someone. Neither of us really have, so we never had situations like this happen. It was different, and yet, it made me feel so much closer to her.

”It was really, really nice” she genuinely said, and I grinned down at her in happiness. Before she knew what was happening, I jumped on top of her, causing her to yell out in surprise.

I sat on her stomach and wiggled my hips a bit, singing “Is he your boyfriend? Jay’s got a boyfriend. Jay’s got a boyfriend. She want to suck his face off. She wants to suck his di-“

Before I could finish, she wrapped a leg over my torso and flipped me off the bed. “AHHH!” I shouted as I hit my back on the floor. She looked down at me from the bed, hysterically laughing and shouting ‘you deserved that’ over and over. I wasn’t sure if it was from what just happened, or the redness of her face, but I just busted up laughing along with her.

We let out a few indistinguishable phrases in-between our laughs, most of which made no sense to either of us. I don’t know how long we spent like that but, before when I stole a glance at the clock it said it was already five in the afternoon. “Gosh, we’ve been laughing forever!” Jay stated, noticing the time as well. I just nodded.

A moment of silence passed between us as we steadied our breathing. I debated whether or not to bring up what passed between Brian and I last night. We were being open to each other, and the moment never seemed better. I opened my mouth to say something, anything about it, but I stopped myself. Somewhere, I knew, if I told her it would make it that much more real.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted it to be real. I was just scared. What if it was only a onetime thing? How stupid would I look if I told her about it and nothing would come of it? I know thinking like that was idiotic, but it was always a possibility. With that thought, I asked instead “So, is he officially your boyfriend now?”

”Yeah.” She breathed, and I could tell she was smiling again. “He is.”

I stood up off the floor, and pushed her over on the bed to make room for myself. I grinned down at her, looking right in her eyes. “I’m so happy for you, Jay. You finally found someone that makes you feel good.” As I lay down next to her, she nodded, putting her head on my shoulder.

For some reason, I thought I would be jealous. I was jealous last night of what she had found, but, I wasn’t now and it didn’t make much sense to me. Brian couldn’t have changed my feelings that much. That would be absurd; what I have between him and I is not at all like what JayJay and Cale have so why would the envy towards them disappear? I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

Jay said nothing more, so out of curiosity, I looked down to see that she had fallen asleep on my shoulder. And, despite the fact that I woke up a couple hours earlier, I had an overwhelming urge to shut my eyes as well. So, I did, trying as hard as I could not to think any further about Brian, Cale, Zacky, or JayJay before I fell asleep.