Consciousness and Confidence

“Who in their right mind would order spinach on this pizza?!” I asked, disgusted at the food I finally noticed sitting before me. Obviously, taking our sweet time to get up after our nap had brought this unfortunate circumstance upon us. Yuck!

“I like spinach.” Zacky stated, taking a piece of the pie and biting into it, looking directly at me. I sent him a harsh glare.

“Yeah, well, I don’t like you. So, you’re desires are null and void.” I retorted, taking a piece of the other pizza, which was thankfully just cheese. I felt a hand brush across my right knee. It startled me for a second, but, shock wore away after a millisecond. There was only one hand that it could be. I gave Brian a warning look, flicking my gaze over to JayJay on my other side, trying to hint that she could see under the table fine from her seat.

Brian got the message, and returned his hand to his lap, much to my relief and displeasure. “You would know something about desires, wouldn’t you Ryyan?” Zacky muttered, as a response to what I had said a second earlier. He said it loud enough so that just Brian and I could hear.

I sent a sneer at his haughty, smirking face. Brian, also aware of what Zacky was hinting at, gave him a stern look. I didn’t understand why Zacky was going to play this game. I knew we weren’t on the best terms, but, I just assumed it to be indifference, not hatred or anything close to it. No, that was always the relationship between Brian and I.

I let my thoughts flutter back for a moment, to the previous spring, when everything was so different. I was a naïve little wild child who didn’t give a shit about what she was doing and who she messed with. Well, I wasn’t exactly as terrible as JayJay always was, but, I could honestly say I wasn’t creating a very good reputation for myself.

It’s very strange. Especially thinking about how Brian and I interacted. Well, actually, thinking about it closely, Brian tended to act like a jealous, immature little boy. He would tease me, and tattle on me just to get me aggravated. In return, I would curse at him and threaten his ability to procreate. It was truly a magical relationship.

But, honestly, as I look back, I see the tension between us in both the emotional and sexual way. Wow, geeze, it was like I was having a second epiphany. I was a little less than shocked with my own deductions. Brian and I had flirted with each other for so long! I was subconsciously teasing him, and sending him signals. I didn’t even realize I did it either.

Before I could stop myself, my slice of pizza slipped through my fingers and onto my paper plate. It landed with a loud clatter, gaining the attention of everyone at the table. I looked around at everyone with a sheepish grin. As my eyes met those of my brother’s, he gave me a look like I was insane. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks.

”Ryyan, are you okay?” he asked me slowly, giving me a skeptical look as I nodded and waved my hand at him, brushing aside his worry.

”I’m fine, I’m fine.” I assured, waving my hand one more time, and silently praying all eyes would soon focus on something else. More than any others, I wanted Brian to stop. His gaze was burning holes into the side of my brain. “I just realized I made plans with some people tonight.” I lied, quickly.

”Who?” Jay questioned, giving me a curious look. Probably because I would have told her about plans for later on that night.

”Uhm, well” I started, wracking my brain for a good scapegoat. “You see, that’s the problem. I can’t remember who I made the plans with.” I lied terribly. I’m sure more than one of the boys could tell I was.

Matt, once again, gave me a strange look. “What’s up with you lately?” he asked. “You’ve been so weird for the past couple of days. Is there a boy? Cause if there is I’m going to have to kick his ass for thinking anything about my baby sister.” He clenched his fist and shook it in front of my face, in an overdramatic way. I hiccupped back a laugh.

”Stop being such a big nudge.” I dismissed Matt’s threat with a frown. “I’ve been weird because I’m a weird person. You’ve told me that many times. And besides, my personal life is none of your business. You have no right to be threatening any guy that likes me.”

I wanted so badly to look over at Brian and to read his face, see what he was thinking. But, I knew I couldn’t because then that would obviously give away some sort of hint about whatever the hell was going on between us.

”Oh, yeah?” Matt mused “Just you wait and see. I’m going to fuck shit up.”

I rolled my eyes. “Why don’t you go punch a cow or something to let out that pent up testosterone?” I suggested, lacing my words with sarcasm. Matt merely huffed out a grunt in reply. Obviously, this conversation wasn’t getting anywhere or proving anything.

The remainder of dinner was exceptionally uneventful. Except, Zacky kept throwing little comments out that were obviously meant to be targeted at Brian and I. Everyone else seemed oblivious to them, which only seemed to fuel his fire. More than anything the comments were directed at me, seeing as how Zacky was still Brian’s best friend. However, from the growing scowl on his face, it appeared that the two would be having a serious conversation very soon about their friendship and what exactly it meant to be a friend.

We drove home in near silence. Brian called shotgun first, and quite anxiously, which kind of gave me a low feeling in the pit of my stomach. Maybe he didn’t really want something to do with me after all. Maybe Zacky knowing was too much for him.

I pushed the thoughts aside, though, convincing myself that it wasn’t anything to do with me and I was just over-analyzing again.

As Matt took the key’s out of the ignition, JayJay hopped out of the car, stretched her arms above her head and said “Well, I’m off. I told Cale I’d stop by for a little while tonight.”

I looked up at her, still perched at the frame of the car. “You’re leaving?” I questioned, frowning. “But, we fell asleep before we even got to hang out.” I stuck my lower lip out, hoping the dramatized pout would convince her to stay.

It did something, at least because her eyes were quickly swimming with sadness. “Awh, I’m sorry Ryyan. We can hang out next weekend and there’s always school.” Her voice held pity, and it made my frown deepen before I forced it to disappear with a shake of my head.

Instead, I pulled a tight smile onto my lips. “It’s fine. School sounds fine, yeah? Go feel up your new boyfriend.” She let out a small chuckle while I forced out a laugh. I hated spending a Saturday night alone.

I stepped out of the car, gave her a quick hug and began to walk inside as she disappeared down the street. Only then did I notice that Zacky and Johnny had not returned back to our house. Jimmy and Brian were talking at the side of the front door with Matt, with what looked to be a goodbye. They each did a little handshake/slap thing and began to walk down the pathway. As Brian passed me, he winked and mouthed a ‘see you later’.

I was a bit too confused to reply, so I just turned my attention back to my brother who was standing in the door way. “Are you coming in or not?” he asked, motioning to the entrance to our front hallway. I nodded, mumbling a response and stalking my way up the pathway.

”Okay, well, now that dinner’s over, I’ll see you later, Ry.” Matt said, grabbing a hoodie that sat on the coat hook by the front door.

”What? You’re leaving too?” He nodded. “So, I’m home all by myself for the rest of the night?” I questioned, again.

”Well, not exactly. I’ll be back over once I’m done hanging with Val. But, that’s not going to be anytime soon.” He clarified, giving me a sheepish look. He let out one chuckle and slapped my back. “Geeze, Ryyan, you need some more friends.”

”I have friends! I just didn’t remember to do things with them tonight!” I defended, rubbing the spot where he hit me. “You need to stop slapping me so hard. It hurts.” Instead of giving me an apology, or any words for that matter, Matt just laughed again and shut the door behind him as he walked out.

I looked around at the now darkening house, seeing as how the sun was setting and I had yet to turn any lights on. I sighed deeply and stalked my way up the stairs, not bothering with the lights at all. I preferred the natural light at this time of day more.

When I got to my room, I noticed one of the books I had begun to read sitting on my nightstand. Might as well read some more now, since I had nothing else to do. I crossed my legs and propped a pillow under my back, pulling the book towards me. I smiled at the comfortable situation I was in.

My eyes weren’t even scanning the page for three minutes before I heard a light tapping at my bedroom window. I was confused for a second, until I saw a familiar muscle-y, tattooed arm from the corner of my eye. I walked over to the window, giving him a small grin.

I put my hands on the ledge to lift it up, but paused for a second.

”Can you let me in?” he begged, giving me a crooked grin. “My pants are falling down and I’m pretty sure your neighbors can see half of my ass right now.” I chuckled and slid the glass up, allowing him to clamber inside. “Thank you.” He breathed out, standing straight up.

Brian looked down at me slightly, and I noticed his arm twitching to move upwards to touch me, but before he could, I turned around and climbed back onto my bed, sitting the same way I was before he got there.

I didn’t say anything as he came and made himself comfortable sitting across from me on the bed, as well. His eyes glanced at the book for a second. “You know, you should turn a light on or something. It’s bad for your eyes to read in the dark.”

I shook my head at him. “It’s not dark. The sun hasn’t completely set yet.” I motioned towards the window that was still opened a crack.

”Fair enough, so is it anything good?” he asked, glancing at the book again. I stared at him for a hint of sarcasm but he looked genuinely interested in the answer.

I peered down at the cover of my novel, while folding a page over on the inside to mark my place. I lolled it back and forth between my fingers. “It’s just something I saw at the bookstore one day. I haven’t really had the chance to get into it yet, so I can’t tell you.” I shrugged, finally choosing to place it down at my sides.

As the conversation died, I found myself needing something to occupy my hands. “Well, this is still awkward for me.” I muttered, looking down at my comforter.

”What’s awkward? The fact that we made out and I’m still talking to you?” he asked, jumping to conclusions. I looked up to see him giving me a confused expression. “Cause I thought we discussed that last night. It wasn’t a onetime conquest-“

”Not that” I interjected. I paused for a moment, opening my mouth before letting out the real reason. “The fact that you’re genuinely interested in me.” As the words escaped my lips, I could instantly feel the color rising in my cheeks. I didn’t want to look at his face. Something about this boy had my confidence levels in the shitter.

”Hey, hey. Look at me.” He spoke, putting his fingertips on my cheek. I peered up to see him smiling at me. His smile was bright, honest, and infectious because I soon felt a smile creeping over my lips as well. “I know it’s weird. I think it’s weird that I’m actually sitting here with you having this discussion. I’ve been thinking of these types of moments and even though I can run through them a million times, it’s not the same as reality.”

My grin broke out into a full, cocky smirk. “You’ve been thinking about this for a while, huh?”

”What, uhm, no.” he stumbled, then let out a curse under his breath. “Maybe.” He ruffled his hair and grumbled something barely audible that sounded close to ‘I sound like a fucking pussy’.

I breathed out a laugh, pulling my legs from their crossed position and under my body so that I was kneeling on the bed now. I stopped laughing and looked into Brian’s eyes. They were such deep pools of brown. They seemed so much warmer than what they use to be to me. So much friendlier and inviting.

Before I could stop myself, I reached up and swept my fingertips across the side of his cheek and into his hair. He closed his eyes for a second, braking my trance so that I could say “You actually do like me, don’t you?”

I could see from the smile that graced his lips that my question had amused him. He opened his eyes. “Is this really still a question? Do you want me to blatantly state it?” I nodded, embarrassed. “I do like you, Ryyan. I’ve liked you for a while now.”

For an unexplainable reason, relief rushed over my body at his words. I knew he was attracted to me, and that he had some minimal feelings for me but, to hear him say it so bluntly blotted away all remaining worries in my mind.

”I like you too.” I whispered.

In a second, I moved closer and pressed my lips to his, remembering the feelings he gave me the night before. I shuffled closer still, until I was sitting on his lap. My arms made my way around his neck, not bothering to stop the kiss at all.

This felt wonderful. He felt wonderful.

I could feel his hands moving from the small of my back, to my hips, tracing small circles with his fingers. I broke away from him and squirmed. His eyes were practically dancing in laughter. “I’m sorry, does that tickle you Ms. Sanders?” he asked, haughtily, placing his hands back where I had moved away from.

I let out an involuntary giggle as I jumped away from his touch. “No, please stop.” I begged, while his fingers continued to roam my torso. “This is torture.”

He continued despite my whining. “Are you kidding me? This is hilarious. I didn’t think you’d be the type to go crazy from being tickled.” He mused, while I was rolling around in laughter. By this point he had cornered me against the bedpost, leaving me with no room to escape.

”Stop.” I demanded, but the serious tone was drowned out by my laughing. “My stomach hurts. This is painful, pain.” I breathed out, clutching my stomach. Thankfully, his hands lifted from my side. I blinked a couple times to see him looking down at me with a smirk.

Instead of telling him to wipe the smirk off his face, like I had initially wanted to, I just leaned upwards and pressed my lips to his, savoring the feelings. I felt him chuckle for a second before leaning into me and deepening the kiss. I grabbed the back of his neck and tugged a bit, forcing him down closer to me.

He broke apart for a second. “Can I stay for a while?” he breathed out. I nodded quickly, ushering my lips back to his, wanting more than anything to feel him on me.

”Stay.” I managed to mumble.