Consciousness and Confidence

I was slowly awoken to somebody shaking my shoulder rather harshly. I groaned, attempting to ignore it, and shoved my face further into my pillow. It was too early; it was a weekday. I didn’t have enough energy to push myself through school yet. My battery was still recharging.

Unfortunately, this asshole shaking me didn’t give a shit, because they just started jamming their finger into my back, as well. “Get up, Ryyan.” A voice demanded, sounding an awful lot like Jimmy. But, that was impossible, it was a Wednesday morning. He would never be at my house this early. I pushed the idea away, insisting I was dreaming instead.

”Ryyan,” Jimmy dream said, “if you don’t get up and wake Brian up as well, your brother’s going to come up here to see what’s taking so long and all hell will break loose. Get up, now.” By the tone of seriousness in his voice, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to peek one eye open.

Of course, standing over my bedside was Jimmy himself, sporting bed head and a look that was meant to kill. I was baffled at first as to why he was here, and being so harsh with me, all the while not really letting his words sink into my brain. That is until I tried to lift myself into a sitting position and became extremely aware of the heavy, muscled arm draped over the bare skin of my waist.

My eyes went wide as I looked back to Jimmy and then at Brian, who I guess had fallen asleep next to me last night after all. I opened and closed my mouth a few times, not knowing what to say, still shifting my looks between the two boys.

”Wake the fucker up, before I kill him myself.” Jimmy grumbled out, shaking his as he glared at Brian’s back. “All the guys are eating breakfast downstairs. Tell him to come in through the front door. You missed school; your mom came in here earlier, saw you and I guess decided to leave you alone.” With that, he walked out of my room and shut the door behind him.

He didn’t even look me in the eye once.

The minute the click of the doorknob was heard, my stomach started doing flips and I literally thought I was going to vomit. Zacky already knew about the two of us, and now, on top of that, I had to deal with my mother and Jimmy knowing as well. Could that many people keep a secret? Would they even bother to keep it a secret?

I ran my hands over my face a few times, wishing that this really was all a dream. I wanted to go back to the good feelings of last night, when it was just Brian and I. I wanted to go back to when he held me, and kissed me, and asked me to be his. Now, instead, I had to deal with all this added stress.

Brian stirred next to me, slowly opening his eyes and meeting mine. He looked so sweet and confused when he woke up, and despite myself, I still cracked a small smile at him. “Did I hear Jimmy, or was I just imagining things?” he asked with a croaky voice.

My stomach plummeted again at the mention of Jimmy’s presence. “Yeah, he was here.” I squeaked out, feeling his fingers brush against my hand for a second. I looked down at him, and then our hands, and couldn’t help but feel happy. He was all mine now.

”Oh shit.” Brian muttered, realizing what I had just told him. “He saw me here? Damn, that must mean-“ He cut himself off, sitting up and running his hand through his hair. “What time is it?”

I glanced over at the clock for a second before answering. “It’s a little past 9:30 in the morning.”

”Fuck!” he swore again, this time standing up out of the bed and picking up the shirt and jeans he abandoned during the night and putting them back on. “I was supposed to be here for 9:15. The guys are going to kill me.” He walked towards the window, me all the while still sitting up in bed.

He paused for a second, came back over to the bed, and pulled me in for a deep kiss. I had to steady myself because I wasn’t expecting it, which made him laugh while pulling away. “Just didn’t want to forget that before heading out. See you at the breakfast table.”

I smiled and laughed as he climbed out of my window. I waited until he was out of view to get up and close it again. Then I decided it would be best to get myself slightly more decent then the shirt I fell asleep in.

I pulled on a pair of pants from my floor and made my way over to the bathroom down the hall. As I shut the door behind me, I heard the ringing of our doorbell echo through the house, knowing full well who it would be. Soon as I finished up my business in there, I walked down the steps and into the kitchen myself.

Standing at the counter was Johnny, a giant bowl of my Froot Loops in one hand, and the box in the other. I frowned at him and snatched the box away, shoving my way around him as well to get a bowl.

"What crawled up your ass and died?” Johnny muttered, not particularly enjoying my harsh treatment.

I stuck my tongue out at him. “Don’t hoard my cereal and you won’t get hurt.” I sat down a second later, noticing Zacky, Matt, and Brian all sitting at the table as well. Jimmy was standing against the wall looking very zoned out. It reminded me very clearly of what just occurred upstairs a few minutes previous.

I tried to shake it off while pouring my cereal, choosing instead to bring up a conversation. “So, why is everyone here so early on a random Wednesday?” I asked, looking up at my brother, while tying my hair back so that it wouldn’t fall in my face as I was about to eat.

Matt didn’t even bother to look up from his bowl (or swallow) before replying. “Welp, wev ghot an inerrviw wiff a wecord rable.” Surprisingly, I managed to comprehend what he said.

”That’s awesome! Are you guys going to get a deal?” I questioned, knowing how important this band was to all of the boys. Most of the guys just shrugged, trying to play down their own enthusiasm but, I could still tell from the looks on their faces that it was big news.

In between bites of cereal, I stole a glance at Brian, who was doing his best to act like he felt no different for me than he did every other day of his life. It was easily believable.

”See anything you like there, Ryyan?” Zacky mumbled from across the table, obviously catching my glimpse at Brian. I frowned at the cocky smirk that rested upon his features. He was such an asshole sometimes.

”Of course, dumb shit. I wouldn’t be eating the cereal if I didn’t like it.” I retorted, pretending not to know exactly he was hinting at.

Matt looked up from he own breakfast and glanced between Zacky and I. “Honestly, Ry” he began, turning his focus to me, “I don’t see why you had to cuss to repl- What the fuck is that on your neck?!” His tone quickly turned from disapproving to all out fury.

Everyone’s heads snapped to me and I could feel their eyes burn into the flesh on my neck. I touched it myself, lightly, not understanding exactly what the problem was. “What?” I asked, looking between Matt’s angry face, Brian’s worried one, and Zacky’s elated one. “Is there bug or dirt or something?”

”Looks like a bruise.” Jimmy suggested in a hopeful voice.

”From what?” Zacky questioned, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “A fight with her vacuum cleaner?”

”Could be a bruise.” Brian muttered, now doing his best to completely avoid eye contact with me as I sat there confused. I decided now would be the best time to untie my hair, and maybe get Matt’s glare off my throat for a while.

”It’s a hickey.” He seethed, leaning over and brushing the hair back from a spot on my neck. I slapped his hand away quickly, now understanding exactly what was going on. Instead of panicking like I wanted to, I pretended to keep it cool.

”And why is this such a big deal?”

Matt’s eyes were burning into mine. “I’m going to kill him. I don’t know who did this but you tell them I will hunt them down and break their face, you got it? Ain’t no one messing around with my baby sister.”

For a brief second I let the panic flush through me. I was so tempted to steal a glance at Brian but I knew no good would come from it. Instead I put on an unamused expression and scoffed at my brother’s macho response. “Seriously, Matt?” I turned from him and began putting moving towards the sink to discard my cereal bowl. “As an almost 18 year old woman I think I have the right to hang out with whomever I want and do whatever I want. Cut the shit and move on because I’m not saying a word.”

I had no idea where that surge of a backbone came from but I didn’t want to falter from my bravery, so instead of waiting for any type or reply I quickly swept myself from the room. I left behind all the boys looking like a pack of deer caught in headlights.

I giggled as I made my way back up to the room. All I could think about is how much elation I felt from putting everyone back into their place. Maybe this whole sneaky around thing would be a cakewalk after all.

As long as I held my ground, that is.