I've Completely Lost Myself, and I Don't Mind

I know I’m making faces, I just know it but I had to get stuck with the guitar. Anna’s mess ups are covering up mine so I don’t think anyone’s noticing. Do you know how hard it is to concentrate on moving your fingers when three other people are screaming and laughing in hysterics?

I give in.

I explode with laughter at the conversation between Max and Anna about her tongue. Like some sort of car swerve the notes missed make noises and swerve…or so it looks to me…And I’m bad for a hangover, oh whatever.

I pull the plastic hunk of guitar over my head and chuck it to the couch opposite us. I scoff, Max totally stole my seat! Flinging himself from the floor to couch as I spin on my feet; like directly lying on Anna. But he’s WAY too busy gasping in exaggeration to see it…So I sit on him, who’s sitting on Anna…Poor her, smooshed by the Green Man and…well me.

“Off! Off! Both of you offffffff! This isn’t dog pile on Anna!”

Now this was fun.

I scream and squeal after Oli plops down on me, squishing me against Max and him even further against Anna. “Okay that was un-fucking-cool!” Max’s body blocks her screaming and that just causes me to go over board in hollers. I push Oliver, sitting there all on top of me not moving a bit, a mirror image of relaxing! He tips frontward and falls to the floor, I fall to floor because Max fucking rolls over! And he comes crashing down on me and that makes Anna free.

So I’m sorta stuck over a pile of English Oli and under a blob of wild Green. Weight compresses against my back sending me further against the floor,

“Annaaaaa! Get offfff!” I yell with my face against the floor, nearly eating the carpet! I squirm around, Oli squirms, Max squirms; we’re all one big pile of squirming populace.

“Not so much fun now is it?” I heave for non-carpeted air after Anna gets up, my face warm with the screaming an’ such. I shove myself up and lean my back against the couch, resting my head against a seat. “Actually, that was fun!” She says clapping.

“Yes, piling on you was fun, on me? Not so fucking much. Next time we pile on someone who isn’t me…or you. Okay?” I tell her with a conspiring look; mwhaha. She nods before we break out into more laughter at the look written on the faces of Max and Oli.

“Guys can hack it; you’re all big and beef.”

“Big an’ beef aye?”

“Yeah-hum!” Anna and I answer together, I scoot myself up off the floor now and onto the couch.

My feet are stepping one at a time against dirt infested grass, next to Max who had asked me to tag along for a walk. My thumbs dancing in my pockets as my fingers are limbered outside of them.

I’m terrible at small talk. There should be this thing where you can just skip it and be all chummy.

“So what do you do? Do you just follow Avenged around?” Max asks as we cross a street, I stifle a laugh.

“I do hair. I work at this little salon back home.”

“Do you like it?”

“Pfft, I fucking love it! I hope to someday, at some point to have my own salon. That’ll be the point when I’m not on every tour.” I say laughing an’ sliding my tongue over my lip ring. “Have you always wanted to do music?”

“Um not at first, I wanted to play soccer and then uh be a comedian,” He says nodding to himself, his hair dipping and bobbing in different directions.

“Tell me joke?” He makes a face, puckers his pierced lips to the left and really thinks. Or so it seems to me. “Second thought, never mind, it might be funny and I probably won’t laugh.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t get most comedy…I mean I rather make my own, I think I’m pretty damn funny.”

“I dunno’ ‘bout funny but you’re sure as hell pretty damn cute.” I scrunch my eyebrows inward and gather up my lips in a shy pucker. Adverting my eyes to my feet intently, watching the way the shoe crushes together as I walk.

I dig my fingers against the denim of my jeans, thinking of something to say back. Something witty and possibly cute… “Rawr.” …Rawr? That’s another thing, your mouth should be connected to your brain at all times.

“Rawr huh?”

“Yes rawr but you didn’t say it right! You really gotta mean it!”

“You’re gonna teach me to rawr?”

“Yes!” I abruptly stop, and stop Max. I pull him up straight then take in a deep breath, motioning for him to do the same.

A stretched, strained, squeaky type of rawr jolts out of my vocal cage, kind of like Simba from the first Lion King movie. You know where he’s practicing while waiting on Uncle Scar. And even though it’s stretched, strained and squeaky it’s loud.

Max mimics me, totally owning the concept of rawr. “Ya’ know that wasn’t totally fair, you scream all the time.” I snatch up my sides after he rawr’s at me again, causing me to almost double over in frenzy.

After walking along the buses, around the buses and a few blocks from the buses Max and I decided to walk on back.

My heart ties and falls; before connecting it with my brain I’m screaming for Anna who is speeding in the opposite direction of our bus. My legs start jetting towards our bus, where Oli was standing near it also screaming for Anna.

“Zacky! Zacky what the hell happened? Where the hell is Anna going?” I scream, pushing past Brian to stand in front of a fuming Zachary.

“I told her to get the hell off the bus.”

“Why?”

“It doesn’t con-“

“Don’t even fucking say it. Guys, can I talk to my brother alone?” With a few reluctant glances Matt, Brian and Jimmy head off the bus. “Now what in the hell happened Zack?”

He huffs in and out and tries cracking knuckles that seem to be already cracked; I place my hand on his jolting knee and sit next to him. “Came on the bus and found fucking Anna sleeping with that Oliver dude…”

“And?”

“I fucking went off on him and she stood up for him and got in my face. All I was trying to do is fucking look out for her from a guy like that. It all happened really fucking fast and our fuses went off and I told her to get the hell off.” His voice breaks at off, a mixture of anger and regret.

“You jumped to conclusions and was wrong, all you have to do is apologize-“

“I’m not apologizing,”

“Yeah you are, to Anna and Oliver and you’ll mean it.” Zacky scoffs and turns his head away from me, shrugging my hand off of his knee. I take my thumb and index finger and pull on his ear, directing his eyes to mine. “You were wrong, you both were. You were only being a protective brother but it got out hand, obviously. She was being Anna and protecting a friend.”

“I don’t think you’ve heard the stories about that guy Cass,”

“You’re right I haven’t, but I’m willing to go out on a limb and say he’s not that different from the rest of you guys.”

“That’s just it, the fucking shit I’ve heard about him is a lot like me and I don’t want Anna, or you, to be near someone destructive like that.”

“Oh, hold the hell up. You are a great guy and most the stories aren’t true Zack,”

“But the ones that are?”

“Doesn’t make you any less of a great, dare I say honorable guy.”

“You’re sayin’ that ‘cause I’m your brother.”

I exhale noisily before standing up, pulling Zack’s ear and the rest of him up too. “You’re going to apologize and mean it, got it? Or I will fucking kick your ass. It’s too early in the tour for bullshit drama Zack.”

After an hour of running around like a chicken without a head, I found Anna sitting in an alleyway with her knees pulled up to head and a tear stained face. How long I sat across from her comforting and shushing her, I have no clue but by the time we get back to the bus it feels like dinner time.

Zack’s to my right on the bus as Anna sits to my left, Oliver standing behind her. My arms crossed over my chest as I waited for one of them to say something, anything. By any right it should be Zack since this whole ordeal got outta hand because of him but he’s got that Baker stubborn trait.

“You both were wrong, I’m sure you both realize this. Zack hand no right to fucking lose it on you Anna, or you Oli and Anna you shouldn’t have carelessly took off like that.” So I start it, just about like always.

“I’m sorry; I was doing the protective brother thing…”

“And the asshole thing,” I fight back a smirk; this isn’t the time for that.

Neither of them is good at apologizing…The silent minutes pass by, heavy and silent.

“I’m sorry I was outta line I guess, I started looking out for you but it escalated…”

“You guess?”

“Anna!” I silently bark. I admit she isn’t always an easy person to apologize to.

“Are you really sorry Zack?”

“Yeah, fucking of course I am. I didn’t mean to say those things and I fucking shouldn’t have, and Oliver dude, I’m sorry.” Zack manages to pull his eyes up off the floor to look at Anna, who darted her eyes to the floor. His elbow shifts itself against my tummy as he lunges to hug her. I keep my discomforts quiet.

“Are we all okay now?” I ask after a couple of minutes of his elbow trying to force feed itself through my outer stomach. Their heads nod while still in hug mode. Good, I shove him over. “I don’t wish to ingest your elbow.”