Hail and Farewell to Paris

Remords posthume

True Love to me never ended in marriage, it ended in kisses in the rain and sayings of “here’s looking at you kid” from 1940s cinema. THAT was love, marriage to me was just a show, I had never thought about marriage in the same way as other women. I’d sit in coffee shops across the streets of Paris and hear them gushing about their ideal dress or party or location and something odd would always strike me…no mention of their groom or their ideal man, it was all about the materialistic things.

Marriage to me didn’t seem romantic or divine, a night time stroll hand in hand or a candle lit meal was romantic…not marriage… marriage to me was just a step in your relationship, a step, but a big marble slab of a step in the staircase of life. Billie had so graciously wanted to lift his feet for us to take that step and I had truthfully never thought about it until now, maybe I didn’t want to. Marriage makes things so complicated, is it for other people or for yourself?
I sat twiddling my fingers on the couch, it had been 20 minutes since Billie had stormed away from our fight, leaving me with that life changing chunk of information. I wish I hadn’t of asked him why he got so angry.
I love him, I couldn’t see myself with anybody else, I still think about him all the time, I still find him heart-achingly attractive, he still makes me laugh and gush like a school girl, but he also still surprises me.
And this morning proved that not all of those surprises were good.

I wasn’t quite sure what to do, I was thoroughly exhausted from my lack of sleep and didn’t particularly want to have another shouting match with him. The morning was chilly, the rain sending erratic pulses of cold air through the open balcony doors. I heaved my body to an upright position and opened the bedroom door. Billie lay on his back, a decorated forearm covering his eyes; he was dressed in boxers and a faded grey t-shirt that had once been black. I opened the wardrobe door and pulled out my satin night dress, carefully stepping out of the dress I had worn for the past 16 or so hours and replacing it with this shorter version.
I huffed and lay down on the mattress a fair distance away from him.
He shifted his arm slightly, not saying a word to me but acknowledging my presence.
I lay on my side, hands flat out underneath my cheek, lazy eyes staring at him gently.
It didn’t take him long to crack.
“I’m truly sorry” He croaked
“I know”
“I hate it when you hate me”
“I don’t hate you, I just wish that you wouldn’t fly off the handle”
“Don’t leave me”
I sat up at the statement, leaning over him and snatching his arm from his eyes, he jumped at the contact, green irises staring at me in slight terror.
“Why is everything so extreme with you Billie? We had a fight, it doesn’t mean we are going to break up, not everything is black and white”
I let go of his arm, he turned his face to the on-suite.
“Billie…”
“I know, it just happens…it’s only because…. I get so scared of loosing you”
My heart melted at his innocent words. This wasn’t fabrication; I could tell that this was pure truth.
I smiled, running my hand down his unshaven cheek; he flinched before relaxing into the movement of my skin against his own.
“Bill you know I love you…”
He smiled at how I addressed him,
“…If anything, I am the one who should be terrified of you leaving me after all the trouble I’ve caused you.”
He took hold of my hand quickly, “Life is no fun without trouble”
I smiled.
“Forgive and forget?” he asked quietly as I nodded, my curls bouncing around my face.
I lay my head down on his chest, listening to his breathing intently; it wouldn’t take him long before he spoke once more…
“Ava…”
I swallowed, I knew it was coming,
“What do you think about marriage?”
I wasn’t sure how to respond, it was a delicate subject that was for certain…
“Well…I haven’t really thought about it, I mean…it’s a huge step…it’s for life and…well…I don’t know”
Billie tensed underneath me, “So no, you wouldn’t marry me?”
“Billie you’re doing it again, of course I’d marry you but does it have to be right now this minute?”
I felt him flinch, “No” he answered like a disappointed strop - throwing teenager.
“I mean your sons hate me for one and you think I’m having an affair with your best friend”
“I don’t think that” he snapped, “I was just…I dunno…being…”
“You just tried to hurt me because I hurt you…anyway, why are we still discussing this? I thought it was forgive and forget?”
Billie grumbled something and I sighed, making to move over onto the huge space next to him on the mattress. He suddenly grabbed my arm however before I rolled from his torso.
“You’re not going anywhere kiddo” he smirked at me as I raised my eyebrow.
“Kiddo?”
“You heard, you’re staying here because I need to cuddle while we sleep”
I rolled my eyes at him playfully,
“Sleep? That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said in the past two days.”
He kissed my nose before bringing me down firmly to his chest, his eyes closing and my body relaxing from the heat he was emitting so comfortingly.

A ear piercing buzz emitted from the phone next to me and I sprang up from Billie’s chest, my hair stuck to my face and my brain disorientated. We had been asleep for three hours when the phone suddenly killed the breathing silence in the suite.
“Hello?” I answered groggily as Billie mumbled something that sounded like a profanity.
“Allo, this is reception, there is a man ere’ to see Mr. Am’strong about an e’interview?”
I sighed and jolted Billie awake, he sat up, still half asleep,
“Wuzza?”
“Phone, the man is downstairs to interview you..”
“Yeah?” Billie half yelled down the receiver, making me jump.
“Yeah? Okay, tell Gus I’ll be ten minutes…ten minutes…no Gus is the guys name…yeah…yeah okay…bye”
I sighed, tracing a palm across my face wearily,
“He’s here already?”
Billie just answered me with a grunt and quickly pulled jeans onto his unsteady legs.
“Gus is an old friend Aves, you may want to get dressed, I said we’d take him out for a drink”
“Thanks for telling me with all this time to spare Billie” I sighed sarcastically
He smiled cheekily at me, “I couldn’t tell you because we weren’t talking”
I shook my head and willed myself to an upright position, back against the headboard.
“Come down in an hour babe”
He kissed my head before scooting from the room. I waited for the suite door to slam before I swung my leg across the tall mattress, my painted red toes getting buried in the lush carpet. I grinned to myself, I may have had the worst night ever with only three hours sleep but I wasn’t too tired to make myself look beautiful with a little glamour.

“So he’s alright now?”
“He’ll be grovelling for the rest of the week, I’m still angry at him”
“I’m not surprised…I’M angry at him”
I slipped my feet into my black stilettos as Mike’s voice floated through my cell phone softly.
“Where is he now?”
“Downstairs with that Gus man”
Mike chuckled, “When are the boys coming?”
“Tomorrow I think, well that’s what I last heard”
There was a pause before Mike spoke again, “I’m glad everything’s back to normal”
“It’s far from normal Mike, this incident will take some severe apologies before it’s forgiven…despite him saying so innocently ‘forgive and forget’ with puppy eyes’”
The bassist chuckled.
“Thanks for being so helpful Mike”
“Don’t worry Ava, seriously I didn’t do that much, try and have fun over there before you come back to ultimate chaos…really…Tre bought Pro Plus, need I say more?”
I laughed, feeling slightly better in my fresh make-up, clothes and newly styled hair.
“Well, I better go, Billie is wanting me to meet his friend”
“Bye Ava”
”Goodbye Mike”

I put the phone down, staring out into my backgarden, I told Brittany that Tre had called, but she knew, she knew by just looking at my face that I was lying.
Last night was dreadful, I couldn’t sleep thinking about her, her smooth perfect skin, her shiny curled hair, those bright red lips, enchanting shiny eyes that almost turned to a vibrant black. I had so badly tried to control these feelings, but Ava had this effect on me. When she had told me what Billie had said about us I almost died of a heart attack…maybe he knew….of course he knew, we had been friends our whole lives, he knew I liked his girlfriend…he knew I was jealous.
I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t have her and it just made me want her more…I felt ill when I thought about them together, it was worse when he treated her badly…when he did stuff like what he did last night.
These feelings were getting harder to control, I always thought of her… biting my lip encase I said her name during sex with Brittany…it was an obsession, it was wrong, but I couldn’t help it, I really can’t stop myself…I think I love her too.