I Don't Want It, I Just Need It.

“Is this really necessary?” I sighed. The building that stood before me was my childhood home; the building before me, I barely recognised. I rested my head into the crook of Jake’s neck as he slung his arm around my shoulder, my hand automatically griping at his thick woollen jacket.

I’d never been happy here, we, had never been happy here.

“ ‘e’s gone Vee, It’s jus’ Mum now”

I nodded unconvincingly, forcing an uncomfortable, weak smile onto my lips. The very thought of stepping through the door of number 65 Elery Road turning my stomach inside out.

“ ‘e’s gone” Jake repeated, pushing me rather unsuccessfully up the driveway. My legs felt as if they were made of lead. Yet at the same time I knew they could crumble beneath me without a seconds notice.

“ Ye ‘av to see her Verity” He mumbled, giving me a final, hard shove toward the door. “She’s ye mother”

I wanted nothing more than to run away as he jabbed his finger against the doorbell. The minutes; most probably seconds, she took to answer seemed the longest of my twenty one years.My fidgeting growing progressively worse with each tick of my watch.

I felt a sharp nudge in my side and my gaze jolted up from my feet. “Hi” I choked, my lips twisting into an awkward smile as my eyes struggled to focus on a face now foreign to me. “Mom”

“Mom?” She sniggered, throwing her head back in amusement. “Jesus Verity ye were there f’ three bloody years not…”

“It was four, Mum” I corrected, already feeling like the stupid little girl she labelled me. “Four”

I felt Jake’s grip tighten around me as she shrugged her shoulders and waved her hand dismissively. “Come in, Come in” She sighed, standing aside so we could pile into the hall. “ ‘m jus;’ avin a little afternoon cocktail”

&&

I couldn’t help but sneer as my mother poured herself another glass of whisky. No ice; it only ‘ruins the buzz’. Who was she kidding? The buzz was long gone. There was just a dull ache, a persistent need. A need that had turned my Mum into my Mother.

I’d planned on picking a spot and focusing my eyes there, A trick I’d learnt years ago, a trick that made everything around just fade into the background. But today it was no use, every surface was covered with him, with them. No us.

“ ‘ow’s that little girl of yours?” She asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “Ellie is it?”

“It’s Alice” I interrupted quickly, ignoring Jake’s stare. “And she’s your grand-daughter Mum, not jus’…”

“And ‘ow much time ‘av you spent with ‘er Verity?” She retorted, waving the glass precariously in her hand. Paying no attention to the dark liquid sloshing over the light linen of the couch. “Where were ye when she was christen…”

“I lived in another country” I mumbled, feeling the blush rushing to my cheeks. “I was thousands of…”

“Ye ‘av your excuses. I ‘av mine” I shook my head in bemusement as she smiled curtly and knocked back the remainder of her drink. “Can I get anyone a…”

We both shook our heads before she’d even finished the question, remaining silent as she excused herself to the kitchen, again.

“Verity, ye really should…”

“How much longer do I have to do this?” I whined, glancing first at my watch, then at the darkening sky outside.

“D’ye ‘av somewhere to be?”

I flinched at the tone of Jake’s voice; the tone he only ever used when our mother was involved.

He’d been here, he’d watched her slowly and surely deteriorate. I’d watched, heard, from a safe distance. I glanced up from my hands that had been turning and twisting in my lap, and met his eyes with my own. A small, weak smile tugging at my mouth as he leant forward and grabbed my hands in his. “I’m sorry” I whispered, “I’ll try, I’ll…”

“ ‘s not you Vee, it’s…”

We both jumped apart as our mother bounded back into the room. A fresh drink in her hand and a familiar wild look in her eyes. “Will ye both be stayin’ f’dinner?”

I looked at Jake pleadingly, my mind racing about what we could possibly do to make it through the hours. For a second I thought he’d read my mind, but as his lips curled into a yes my stomach fell. “ ‘Course mum” He nodded, “I’ll jus’ ‘av to make sure Chelle can keep Alice a few more…”

“Good” Mum exclaimed, flopping back onto the couch. “Good. ’ll be like old times”

&&

“Like old times”

Jake shot me a look as I prised the glass from my comatose mothers hand. Even unconcious she fought for her beloved drink. Groaning loudly as I finally stole it from her, she batted her arm blindly in the air and caught my side.

“Fucker”

“Verity!” Jake scolded as I rubbed at the spot.

I rolled my eyes and set the glass down on the table, next to the now empty bottle of Jamesons. “Sorry” I mumbled as he continued to glare at me. “I didn’…”

“D’ye wanna go check on the lasagne?"

I must’ve looked at him like he was crazy.

“ ‘s no point in wasting a perfectly good meal” He shrugged in answer to my furrowed brow. “Besides, y’know, even in ‘er state. Mum makes one fucking good Lasagne”

I chuckled softly and picked up the empty glass and bottle; crossing the room slowly, the two clutched to my chest.

“Grab the blanket from under the stairs too Vee” He called as I disappeared into the hall.
The simple sentence raised a lump in my throat as I pulled the cupboard open slowly and peered inside.

There it was, still there, in all its glory. I guess the couch was still my Mothers favourite place to crash. I had been ‘grabbing the blanket’ for as long as I could remember. The only difference today was having no desire to climb under it with her and sleep, safe in her arms.

“Verity”

I shook my thoughts from my hand and tugged the blanket from its hook, tossing it into the living room without so much as a glance back.Continuing on into the kitchen with the souvenirs of another successful family meal.

The kitchen had remained the same;bar the expensive looking dishwasher plonked awkwardly in the corner. The familiarity took my breath away for a moment, took me back to places I didn’t care to return. And, a few that I did.

The names scrawled around the doorframe as we recorded Jakes and my own heights, the peeling light yellow floral wallpaper, the photos still tacked to the refrigerator. Well, all but one.

I couldn’t fight the smirk creeping onto my lips as I remembered my first run in with Oliver.
The way I’d made him jump as he ogled my picture on the fridge, the way he’d made my heart jump when he turned round and gave me thatsmile.

My favourite of the Sykes smiles; the one where he knew he’d been caught.

I was trouble and he was mischief. It was perfect.

For a little while at least.

“ ‘ows the lasagne looking’?”

I jumped from my skin as Jake’s hand clamped down on my shoulder, his voice way too close and way, way too loud in my ear. “I uh…I dunno, I…”

He chuckled and dove towards the oven, grabbing the oven gloves from the counter as he did so and shoving them onto his hands. “Reminiscing eh Vee?”

The smile he flashed me told me he knew exactly what I’d been doing.The grin it turned into as he peered into the oven, told me the lasagne was done. “We can invite people over if ye wan’” He sighed, pulling the dish out and placing it onto the hob. “I don’ think Mum ‘ud mind”

“ He’s a vegetarian Jake” I mumbled, kicking myself as he laughed loudly, a wide smirk slapping itself across his face.

“I knew ye were thinkin of ‘im” He teased, “Ye can’ get enough of…”

“It’ll get cold” I mumbled lamely, shoving Jake from my way and grabbing a huge spoon from the drawer. “Let me…”

“ ‘e’s not as bad as ye think ‘e is Vee”

“He was never as bad as you thought he was, Jake”