I Don't Want It, I Just Need It.

An uncomfortable twisting occurred in my stomach, and a long, thin string of bile slipped through my lips and to the floor. Joining the entire contents of my stomach, that was already spread around my feet. Vomit was splattered across the toes of my black slip-ons and a few spots had made their way up the legs of my jeans. It had been uncontrollable, it was becoming a regular occurrence.

I pulled myself upright and ran my hands through my hair. Grimacing at the thick layer of sweat that had soaked through and stuck each strand to my forehead, the way in which my fingers got jammed toward the back of my head.

I couldn’t tell you whether I’d been throwing up for a minute or an hour. You, though, could probably tell me exactly what I’d eaten at dinner, from one look at the floor of the parking lot.

“Ol, are ye…”

I waved my hand to silence Kean, and reached for the bottle of whisky next to me. Squinting into the neck; checking for any stray vomit, before taking a large, albeit ill advised swig.

“Ye should probably…”

“I know” I interrupted, pulling the bottle from my lips “But I won’t”

He groaned as I stepped forward and grabbed one of the shirts spilling from the cardboard box he was carrying, wiping my mouth with it before flinging it back in the box.

“ ‘s disgustin’ that”

I chuckled hollowly and nodded toward the mess surrounding me, kicking my shoe at a particularly grim looking pile. “Think ‘m pas’ that don’ you”

He merely shrugged and stepped past me, continuing on toward the venue. I swore I heard something mumbled under his breath. But my ears had been ringing for days, it could well be my imagination. I took another hearty swig from the cheap bottle of whisky and stumbled toward the van. My feet and legs barely co-operating with one another, each step clumsier than the last. It took all I had to stop myself from just collapsing on the floor right there and then.

“ ‘s ‘alf four Oliver” Curtis sighed as I threw the sliding door open and threw myself, onto the floor of the van. Groaning loudly as my chin collided painfully with a metal ridge. “We ‘aven even…”

“Ye not m’ mother Curtis”

“ ‘ll remind ye o’ that later, when I’m carryin’ ye t’…”

'and distance lays her heavy head beside me. There I’ll stay gold, forever gold'

He was interrupted by my phone ringing loudly, from where, I wasn’t sure. But the tone turned my search frantic. And within moments I’d retrieved my phone from the pile of empties spread across the table, Verity’s name flashing brightly on the screen.

“Verity”

Her giggle sent a shiver down my spine, and the twisting of my stomach was instantly settled. Curtis rolled his eyes as I collapsed against the seat and quietly excused himself, slamming the door behind him.

“ ‘s it somethin’ I said?” She asked, I could hear the smirk in her voice. If I closed my eyes I could see it; along with the sparkle in her eyes. “or were ye expectin’ a little phone sex…”

“I miss ye”

I heard her sharp intake of breath, and I knew that she’d have a lump rising in her throat, similar to the one in mine. Her sigh was barely loud enough to make out, but I knew it was there, for I had just done the same. “I miss ye too Oliver”

The silence that followed was one that we’d become used to. For two people who usually had so much to say, we barely said anything at all these days. Through fear it would make the distance between us grow, become more obvious…just through fear.

“ ‘m gonna be an Auntie Ol”

It took a moment or two for the words to register; a moment or two longer than normal, thanks to my breakfast of scotch whisky.

“Ye gonna be…”

“Chelle’s pregnant. Jakes ‘avin a baby”

“Fuck”

She giggled uneasily, and I could hear her fidgeting, fiddling with something in the background. “Ye might wanna work on ye reaction f’ when Jay tells ye. ‘s not the…”

“I didn’ mean t’…”

“Everythin’s changin’ Ol” She mumbled, “Everythin’s changin’ an’ ye not ‘ere t’…”

&&

I smiled awkwardly as a fresh bottle of beer was set down on the table in front of me, and a petite brunette squeezed onto the couch next to me. Dangling her legs lazily over mine and pressing her breasts against my side, as she took a long sip of her drink through a fluorescent pink straw pursed between her lips. Her perfume was obscenely intoxicating; to the point of scratching deep within my throat, and I could tell from the way she was swaying gently from side to side, that she was not on her first drink of the evening.

This was the last thing I needed, she was the last thing I wanted.

“I saw your show” She whispered, leaning close, her lips skimming the lobe of my ear. Sending a shudder down my spine. “You were really…”

“I‘m really not interested” I interrupted, trying to keep the smirk from my lips, as she pulled her legs harshly from my lap and sat bolt upright. Her eyes looking me up and down as her lips twisted into a sneer.

“Are you…”

“ ‘m not gay, no” I chuckled softly, reaching for my beer and taking a somewhat heroic swig. “But I still wouldn’”

I grinned at the mumbled ‘prick’ under her breath, and watched her climb unsteadily to her feet. Straightening her dress out and sauntering back across the room. I didn’t doubt that she’d end up going home alone tonight, I just knew it wouldn’t be with me.

I took a sceptical glance at the beer in my hand and rose to my feet. Stalking around the room for something a little stronger, something that would help with the unwanted advances. The throwing up, the passing out, the subsequent hangover earlier that day had done nothing to shake my desire for liquor. I knew it was the only way I’d get through the next month.

“’nother one bites ‘uh dust aye Oliver?” I turned to see Nicholls smirking at me. A pretty redhead tucked under his arm, a bottle of Jack Daniels clutched in his hand. I resisted the urge to flip him off for the sake of stealing his whisky. “Or are ye not the ‘obnoxious prick’ tha’ lass o’er theres talkin’ about?”

I smiled sheepishly and snatched the bottle of whisky from his hand. Ignoring his protests and downing a considerable amount.

“Could be me” I shrugged nonchalantly. Wiping the remnants of Jack; that had dripped from my lips onto my chin, with the sleeve of my shirt. And throwing a glance across the room to where Nicholls had nodded. Sure enough, there she was. I chuckled lightly to myself and handed Matt his alcohol, digging my hands into the pockets of my tight jeans and rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet. “D’ye think ever’thins changin’?”

His furrowed brow told me he was completely clueless as to what I was talking about, and the roll of his eyes told me this wasn’t the place for such discussions.

“I mean, look at us…were ‘ere, on tour, were…”

“ ‘opefully Ol” He mumbled quickly, leaning into the crook of the girls neck and whispering something. She giggled wildly and ran a hand slowly down his chest “Were gonna go an’ uh…get a…”

I waved away his excuse and smiled weakly; pulling my hands from my front pockets and fetching my cigarettes from my back pocket, pulling one out and placing it between my lips. And Nicholls reciprocated, giving me a small wave as he was lead toward the stairs. The kid was almost running.

Everythin’s changin’ an’ ye not ‘ere

I couldn’t escape her words. And no one can escape change.