I Don't Want It, I Just Need It.

The white fluffy towel draped loosely around my body had grown cold and damp in the hour or so I had spent sprawled across the bathroom floor. My skin was goose pimpled from head to toe and bone dry for the most part, the only moisture left being that which clung to my cheeks, the unwanted souvenir of the tears which had spilled relentlessly from my eyes the second I had reached the safety of my room. Olivers knocking at the door had ceased, eventually, and now the only noise in the suite was that of the television in the bedroom. I’d thought a badly dubbed film would bring some comic relief, be the perfect distraction from my evening but ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’; though one of my all time favorites, hadn’t been quite what I was looking for. Holly Golightly’s optimism was nothing short of nauseating at two in the morning.

The last person I had spoken to had been my brother, briefly; my mobile phone had conveniently run out of battery and the hotel phone now lay disconnected underneath the small, ornate table it had been sitting on at my bedside. To say I didn’t want to talk to anyone was a gross understatement; it was more than a pain that everyone and their mother wanted to wish me a ‘Happy Birthday’.

The thousandth shiver tickled at my spine and I heaved myself up off of the cold, tiled floor; pulling my knees to my chest before stumbling clumsily to my feet. Deciding that no man; neither Oliver Sykes nor Alex Gaskarth, was worth catching pneumonia, a common cold, maybe? I clutched lamely at my towel as it slipped from around me, but let it fall to the floor as I caught a flash of silver in the corner of my eye. The bracelet that Oliver had given me lay to the right of the basin. I had taken it carefully from around my wrist and placed it onto the side with all the care of a mother with her newborn. It was the second most amazing thing I’d ever been given; the first being Oliver himself, that day when I’d found him in my kitchen.

I kicked the towel from around my feet and made the short distance to the bathroom door, letting my hand cup the handle for a minute or two, letting my forehead rest against the polished wood in order to catch my breath. I felt somewhat disorientated and dizzy, the result of standing up too fast or; more than likely, the copious amount of birthday drinks I had tipped down my throat. As I closed my eyes everything was telling me I’d made a mistake, everyone would tell me I’d made a mistake. I had an answer though; for once in my life, I had a decent answer. My mistake could’ve been bigger.

“Oh…wow”

My head snapped upward instantly; painfully, and my jaw dropped to the floor the moment my blurry eyes focused on Olivers hunched form, perched at the very foot of my bed. His eyes were wide as saucers and he was chewing down on the lip ring hidden in the corner of his mouth. His awkward chuckle hid my embarrassed squeak, but we returned to deathly silence the moment I began reversing back into the bathroom, with only hands covering my dignity.

“I see now why you got the adjoining door” I quipped dryly, blushing furiously as I tried my best to keep my eyes locked on Olivers so as to force him to follow suit. “You’re a perv Oliver Sykes, I should’ve known you would…”

“Are ye jus’ gonna f’get what ‘appened downstairs jus’ then?”

“If you can promise me you’ll do the same with what’s happening right now” I mumbled, wrapping my towel tightly back around myself and clamping my arms to my sides as to not let it slip.

“I don’ want ye t’ f’get it Verity, I want us t’ talk about…”

“I wish I could say the same Oliver, but please, try and forget that I just…”

“Was ye not listenin’ earlier Verity? I still remember every little itsy bitsy part of ye” he interrupted, “I don’ need ye t’ parade around naked t’ remember the mole just t’ the right of ye belly button or the…”

“I wasn’t parading Oliver” I argued lamely, “You’re not supposed to be in…”

“Maybe I did get the adjoinin’ rooms f’ a reason” He shrugged, cutting me short. “Maybe ‘s cause I knew ye’d flip out at some point an’ I can’t bare t’ explain myself through a fuckin’ door, maybe I….We’ve ‘ad an entire ocean between us f’ four years Vee, I can’t stand t’ ‘av even a door between us any longer”

“Maybe, we should talk about this in the morning” I mumbled, “I’m tired and…”

“ ‘ve waited f’ four years t’ tell ye all of this Vee, I think tha’s long enough don’t you?”

“What’s a few more hours when you’ve waited that long?”

His expression was that of someone completely and utterly bemused and I regretted how dismissive I’d been the instant he began shaking his head. “You’re unbelievable” He exclaimed, rising to his feet quickly. “Ye fuckin’ unbelievable Verity. D’ye know ‘ow long ‘s taken f’ me to trust ye again, to…”

“What part of this is about trust Oliver?” I asked, “What has trust got to do with any of…”

“ ‘ve trusted enough t’ put myself out there again” He interrupted abruptly, “ ‘ve trusted that ye won’ break my ‘eart, again”

The again knocked the wind from me, the sentence, as a whole, stirred something foreign deep in my stomach.

“Your heart?” I mused, “Your heart, Oliver? You don’t think that it broke my heart when you kissed her? When you kissed that slut and I had to hear about it from everyone else, you didn’t think that…”

“Ye cant ‘av been too ‘eartbroken. Ye went to a party Vee, ye fucked that…”

“You still believe I fucked Nathan?” I screeched, losing all control for a moment. I felt my hands twitch at my sides before balling into tight fists and I felt heat prickling at my skin from the tips of my toes to the very top of my head. “After everyone told you otherwise, after Nathan told you otherwise. You still think I…I fucking promised you Oliver, I…”

“Promises don’ mean shit when it comes t’ us Verity, ye know that as well as I do! And Nathan, your darlin’ Nathan? ‘e told me ‘e fucked ye senseless, ‘e told me that ‘e…”

“And you believed him? Over me, over ye brother, over everyone ye fuckin’ trust, ye believed Nathan?”

“Trusted” Oliver scathed, “Trust-ed”

“You were the first to break the trust Oliver” I retorted heatedly.

“An’ you were the one t’ make sure it was well and truly soiled aye?” He smirked, “Ye said earlier Vee, ye said ye lied to me. If it weren’t about shaggin’ Nathan what was it? What did ye do? Did ye shag my brother? Did ye…”

“Your vulgarity never fails to amaze me Oliver” I seethed, my lips tugged tightly back against my teeth “I didn’t shag anyone. I wish it was that simple”

“’s nothin’ simple about cheatin’ Verity”

“Its fucking easy street compared to what I did Oliver”

Two exhausted sighs escaped two pairs of pouted lips and two pairs of tired eyes fell to two pairs of fidgeting hands.

“Please jus’ tell me that ye love me” Oliver sighed, his voice barely above a whisper. “ Tell me so tha’ I don’ feel like such a fuckin’ dick Verity, an’ I’ll…” I didn’t need to say a single word, he read my expression perfectly. “I don’t care about the past, I jus’ know that I want you in my future”

I watched, completely motionless, as he crossed the room. His head was bowed with the sullenness of a funeral attendee and I couldn’t help but notice the trembling of his shoulders as he pulled the door open.“’ll see ye at breakfast Verity Ann”

“Vous ne doit pas donne votre coeur à une…”

My eyes flicked to the huge flat screen television mounted on the wall to my left and I could just make out the beautiful face of Audrey Hepburn through my rapidly watering eyes.

You mustn't give your heart to a wild thing. The more you do, the stronger they get, until they're strong enough to run into the woods or fly into a tree. And then to a higher tree and then to the sky.

I whispered softly to the empty room before tearing off after Oliver.

&&

I came to an abrupt halt the moment I crashed through the adjoining door and into Olivers room.

He was sat cross legged with his back pressed against the glass doors that had led him out onto the balcony. His back was toward me, but I could tell that he was smoking from the white cloud twisting and twirling through the air above his dark mop of hair. The smell told me he was smoking a little more than tobacco also, thinking of previous arguments we’d had, I wasn’t surprised in the slightest.

“Oliver” I croaked, my cracking voice morphing his name into something along the lines of ‘iver’. “Oliver”

He turned at my second attempt; but only briefly, before turning back into the darkness. “Ye shouldn’ come out ‘ere in jus’ that. Ye’ll catch ye death” I glanced down at my body, only then realising I was still rocking the bath towel. “ ‘s some bed shorts an’ a ‘oodie on my bed if ye wanna change, I won’t peek, I promise”

His words would’ve made me giggle if his tone hadn’t been so flat but a small smile did tug at my lips as he began humming softly to himself. I quickly shed the towel and pulled his shorts and hoodie on, true to his word Oliver remained where he was, his eyes fixed on whatever lay in front of him and as I’d expected the shorts hung dangerously low on my hips and the bottom hem of the hoodie was an inch or two short of grazing my knees.

He nodded silently as I joined him on the balcony and waved the joint he’d been enjoying above his head toward me. I declined with a polite shake of my hand and folded down onto the floor next to him, resting my back against the cold glass door and pulling my knees tight into my chest.

“’s it breakfast time already?” He joked half heartedly. I smiled awkwardly and shook my head although I knew he wasn’t in need of an answer. “because I swear I jus’ left ye, like two seconds…”

“I couldn’t leave it like that Oliver” I mumbled, shuffling to the side a little as he flicked the ash from the tip of his spliff. Heat rising in my cheeks as my shoulder grazed his. “I can’t…you can’t leave like…”

“But ye usually so good at leavin’ Verity” He felt my body tense against his, or that’s what his quick apology told me. “I shouldn’ av said that, ‘m sorry, I…”

“It’s fair enough Oliver” I assured, “I left you…I did”

“Was a long time ago Vee, ‘m over it”

“Looks that way”

“Did ye come out ‘ere t’ argue again? ‘cause I really don’ think I’ve got it in me t’…”

“The last thing I want to do is argue with you Ol, ever” I sighed, resting my head back and closing my eyes for a second. I heard him fidget a little and his hot, sickly sweet breath tickled at my face. “Don’t try and kiss me now, it’s inappropriate”

The embarrassed smile I caught flashing across his lips the moment my eyes fluttered open, told me I still knew a little of Oliver Scott Sykes. It also told me that maybe, still, after everything, all was not lost.

“I wasn’ gonna…” he let his words trail and took another drag of his joint, holding the smoke in as he mumbled the alphabet. I grinned as he made it all the way to W. “Ye sure ye don’ want a bit o’…”

“I’m pretty certain” I smiled small, “I’ll be the designated adult”

“Ye’are twenty two now” Oliver agreed, letting his head fall heavily to my shoulder. “Were grown ups Vee, when the fuck did this happen?”

I giggled softly and stretched my legs out in front of me, shivering a little as my toes tickled against the red flowers that framed the balcony. I knew exactly when I’d become a ‘grown up’ and couldn’t help but feel it was a little premature.

“Somewhere between Los Angeles and Sheffield?”

Oliver shrugged nonchalantly and took one final drag of his joint before stubbing it out against the floor an inch or so from my hand. I smiled as he let his hand rest against the concrete for a moment before letting his fingers creep toward mine, lacing them loosely together.

“You’re not a dick for telling me you love me. I’m a dick for not being able to admit that I’m head over heels the fuck in love with you” His sharp intake of breath was a little unnerving and certainly didn’t help the nerves tying my insides in knots. “But you know what I have to do Ol, and If you wont let me do that…then I cant, I wont, tell you that I love you. I’d never forgive myself for breaking your heart again”

“What makes ye think that’ll ‘appen Vee? An’ t’ be honest, ‘ow is refusing t’ tell me ye love me, after all this, not breakin’ my ‘eart now?”

“Is it breaking your heart Oliver?”

“Well no, but…”

“And I don’t think, I know It’ll break your heart. It’s broken mine every day for four years”

“Nothin’ can be that bad Vee”

“You’d think not wouldn’t you”

“Ye could tell me anythin’ an’ I’d still love ye like hell, nothin’ will ever change that Verity. Ye disappearin’ didn’t do it, what makes ye think that this is gonna…”

“I don’t think Oliver, okay” I interrupted sternly, shaking him from my shoulder and turning as to face him. “I know Oliver, I fucking know that this will destroy you and I sure as hell am not willing to do that, to you…or me. You either let me tell you and we work from there, or we stop this now, we stop this flirting…this, whatever this…is”

“’s is it Verity, this is it an’ I sure as ‘ell am not willing to give this up f’ somethin’ that ‘appened four years ago, somethin’ ’s in our past and should no doubt stay there”

“I guess its decided then” I mumbled, shifting onto my knees before climbing precariously to my feet. “We can’t do this anymore, we cant...”

Oliver was on his feet in a flash and I was pushed against the glass door just as quickly. His hips crashed against my own and his lips collided with mine in the clumsiest and desperate of kisses. My fists balled against his chest did nothing to deter him as he pressed his body hard against mine, his fingers fumbling awkwardly with the zip of the hoodie I was wearing as I slipped my tongue into his mouth. My mind was screaming bloody murder but I could hear nothing but my pounding heart in my ears. My hands were moving feverishly about Olivers person, tugging at any fabric they found, pulling at any clothes likely to come off and a shiver ran the entire length of my body as the sweatshirt fell from around me.

He groaned loudly as I hoisted myself up into his arms and wrapped my legs tight around his waist, planting tiny, furious kisses all over his face as he pulled the two of us away from the door and back into the hotel room. A sly grin crept across his lips as he twirled the two of us around and pushed me back against the door; this time the room side, and I was once again sandwiched between Oliver and the glass. He let me fall from his arms for a second as to rip the shorts from my legs but I was back up within the blink of an eye and I couldn’t help but moan in pleasure as he gripped my bare hips tightly in his hands.

“’m not letting ye go Verity” He panted into the crook of my neck as he trailed his tongue along my collarbone, “ I can’t let this go again”

I shook him from where he’d rested and slammed my lips against his, licking hungrily at his lips and tangling my fingers in his dark hair. I giggled a little as he moved one hand from supporting me to unbutton his jeans and stole the opportunity to unbutton the shirt he’d been wearing, before trailing my fingertips across his colourful chest. Tracing the outlines of the roses and wings scattered across his collarbone an action I knew to drive him crazy. His jeans fell to the floor and a shudder ripped through his body as my fingernails scratched lightly at his skin.

“I still remember every part of you too Oliver” I whispered, suddenly aware of the lump rising rapidly in my throat. His hazel eyes grew wide as I felt mine tear up and he shifted in front of me as to wipe the tear that rolled silently down my cheek. “Every single little bit of you Ol, every…”

“Jus’ shows were meant t’ be Vee, if neither of us can f’get jus’ shows were meant t’…”

“I love you Oliver” I mumbled quickly, “But I cant, love you”

His head collapsed heavily against my chest and I felt his entire body tense against me.
“Can ye not jus’ let it go Verity?” He groaned, kissing my skin softly. “I ‘av, ye should be able t’…”

“Its not that easy Oliver, I…”

“No part of us has ever been easy Verity. But were still here, were still…”

“Barely”

He drug his head from against me and rested his forehead against my own, his lips ghosting mine.

“Tell me” It was the last thing I had expected, I had never expected him to call me out on it. He had been so adamant, he had been so… “Tell me what ye did that was so bad an’ I can get back to tryin’ t’ get ye t’ fall in love with me again”

“It’s not a joke Oliver”

“An’ neither is getting’ ye t’ fall in love with me” He countered seriously, pulling his face from mine and locking his eyes with my own. “If ye not gonna tell me Vee lets jus’…”

I pressed my palms sternly against his chest but his lips were back against my own, and I had to fight to keep from giving in once again. His body felt so warm against my own, his fingers felt so good brushing against my skin. I wrapped my legs tighter around his waist and swallowed the lump in my throat, he tightened his grip on my thighs and let his tongue tease mine. The fear of this being our last kiss terrified me, that fear kept me playing along.

My eyes shot open as I felt Oliver, hard, against my leg and I was shunted back to reality as I felt him positing himself between my legs.
“I was pregnant Oliver” I choked, “I was pregnant and I…I killed our baby”

The fall from Olivers arms to the floor was nowhere near as painful as the image of him turning his back on me, or the words he muttered under his breath as he disappeared into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.

”Ye’ve done it again Verity, Congratulations”

Tears erupted uncontrollably from my eyes as I heard the lock turn in the door and a howl, much like my own seconds before, resound from the small room.

Verity Ann Palmer loved Oliver Scott Sykes, Oliver Scott Sykes hated Verity Ann Palmer.

Again

You mustn’t give your heart to a wild thing.