Blood On Her Hands.

After two days when Gerard was rushed to the hospital, he was released.
The doctors said it was just exhaustion and his strength will go back in time.
But we knew better.
He was dying inside.
And it was killing us all.
He's just empty.
Like there's nothing inside him.
He won't do anything.
He won't eat.
He won't talk.
We thought he'll stay like that.
Once, we packed some of his stuffs to just send him somewhere he'd be helped.
Because it's heartbreaking.
But he threw a tantrum.
Screaming for us to leave him alone.
Begging for us to leave him alone.
I've never seen anyone throw a tantrum that bad.
It won't actually make you feel mad.
It'll grip whatever's left in your chest.
Grip it until it stings.
And we decided to let him stay.
And that was the last time we heard a word from his mouth.
He'll stay in his room the whole day and only go down when everyone's asleep.
We'll constantly check on him every night and it's always a horrible sight.
We'll argue who to check on him.
Because I can't.
He's too miserable.
I feel like screaming every time I see him.
And Mikey can't.
Because that is his brother dying in that room.
And it kills him to see Gerard like that.
I once went to his room to check on him.
And that was the last time I did.
It was usually Ray or Jess.
The ones who could control their emotions well.
Frank also became emotional.
Well, Gerard was his best friend.
And I knew, even if I am as cheerful as Frank, that his misery would crawl on me too.
That night was fresh on my memory.
Like an infected wound that would not heal.
He was lying on the floor.
Hugging himself like he'll break into pieces.
All the lights were off, but his room was bright enough from the light coming from the moon.
Bright enough for me to see his blank eyes.
And the endless streams of tears flowing from it.
It was too painful too watch, so I decided not to go check on him again.
Mikey never dared try to try.
He said seeing Gerard in the morning is already worst.
He might head for a breakdown himself if he sees him at night.
No one heard anything from him for a month.
Except from his screams when he'll wake up in the middle of the night.
Those screams that would send chill to our spines.
I don't even want to imagine his dreams.
Something that painful to make someone like him scream in dread.
But he didn't said anything.
Didn't do anything.
It was always Jess who'll go to his room and leave him food.
Or sometimes, feed him.
Ray once shaved him, but that was the last.
And now, he doesn't look like the Gerard I know.
He was like a ghost.
He was like a zombie outside.
And nothing inside.
When we try to take care of him, he'll just look at us.
Blankly.
Vacant of all emotions.
And then, like he can't say it but his eyes were spelling it for us.
'Leave me alone..please.
Everything seems to be absorbing the horror Gerard is going through.
Everyone seems to be also horrified.
I'll just start shaking every time I'll see a glimpse of his eyes.
His vacant hazels.
Eyes that were like deep wholes.
Wholes with no end.
Jess was brave enough.
But I can't imagine how she can manage to look at him.
She is emotionally stronger than me.
Than Mikey.
Or than her sister.
But every time I'll look at her.
Her eyes were starting be be like just his.
Most of the emotions already left her eyes.
And it scared me.
None of them noticed that change in her.
But I did.
I tried talking to her.
But she shrugged me off.
She said she knows herself better than us.
So I let it go.
But as the days pass, every emotion is drained from her.
I would loose my head if she ends up like Gerard.
I don't know if I could stop myself from jumping from a building.

-Jess-

I dragged myself to school.
Last night was brutal.
I shook my head, as if shaking it will remove the memory of the suffering last night.
I took my coat off and hung it inside my locker.
Outside, the rain poured viciously on all surface it would reach.
Then like someone was replaying a scene from last night, I saw his eyes.
It flashed quickly on my head, and faded quickly.
His eyes held mine.
His eyes was staggering.
I want to look away and just leave but his hazel eyes held mine tightly.
I didn't know why he did.
Or why his eyes did.
But it was painful.
A loud ringing announced something to me.
I made my way to my first class, shaking.

The whole day was a blur.
Nothing stood up.
Nothing interesting enough to catch my attention.
All passed by like nothing happened.
This has been happening for a few weeks now.
Sometimes I'll wonder how I got home.
I can't even remember driving my car home.
Or even walking through the front door.
Everyone ignored me, like how I ignored them.
I guess it was rude.
Every teacher's eyes rolled past my seat like it was unoccupied.
Eyes would pass by me, not noticing my existence.

Liz once told me she's scared for me.
For what I'm slowly becoming.
A zombie.
Like him.
I don't really want to break down the details and talk to her.
I just don't.
Suffering at night is enough.
But I thought about it once.
What if she's true?
Could being around someone emotionally dead like Gerard could really affect me?
Could I be loosing my head like him?

Enjoy my loves. <3