August

The next week or so went by numbly. I chatted with Ryan, ha, and it wasn't about anything too deep. My friends are doing fine, although, they are partying more as the weather cools down. Which, is probably what they're doing tonight, seeing as how it is Halloween. Pete is missing from that lately due to his new girlfriend, Ashlee, so there I sat with nothing to do on a Saturday night. Usually if I didn't want to go out with my friends on Halloween I'd pass out candy but, my dad took over for me. I just couldn't find the motivation to smile and bare it as little kids dug their greedy, grimy, little fingers into the candy bowl. I hope my kid doesn't turn out like that. Plus, the new symptom of having to go to the bathroom all the time would make keeping guard of the goods hell.

The status of the tumor: growing but, healthy.

Fantastic, oh do I know. Lately, I've began to look huge or at least to me. No one else has seemed to comment me on the situation, that or the only people who pay attention to me already seem to know to ignore it.

"Brendon!" my dad called from the doorway and I sat up turning down the TV.

"What?"

"Ryan's here," He said walking in, only slightly confused.

"Oh…." I straightened out and pulled at my sweatpants to cover up my lower belly bulge.

"Not too long." My dad warned and then turned around to the front door.

He came in rather timidly. I scooted over so he could sit next to me, then motioned for him to sit. Yeah, we had talked, but we hadn't really hung out much other then that. For a second more Ryan just stared at me before making himself comfortable next to me.

"What are you watching?"

"Eh, just some lame scary movies," Ryan looked at the DVD cases on the end table while I observed the shadows of his features that were being cast off the lamp.

"You have to watch this one next," he motioned to one. I smiled and nodded as he went back to looking through the discs, "Um, I wanted to know if you wanted to come to a party with me?"

"Party?" my voice rose a little knowing Ryan wanted to go to a scene like that.

"Yeah, a costume party. Jon's throwing it- he's pretty popular for just being here for a few months." Ryan's cheeks turned a little red and I rested my arms on the back on the couch.

"Sounds like fun, but I can't."

"What, why Bren?"

"I just promised my mom and dad I wouldn't that's all." My head began tilting back and I felt his eyes on me.

"Well, if you aren't going to go, I wasn't planning to either." The room grew silent minus the screams on the movie and I stared at the boy I just turned down. He's never been one to come out and say or try things like he has lately and all I can do is shoot him down.

"Ryan, it has nothing to do with you, I just I'm-" the words would have perfectly finished that sentence! Instead I was frozen thinking of a response. Checking the time to see why the rush has slowed down I realized it was around 7:15 so trick-or-treaters would start slowing down,

"Mormon." He laughed and shook his head.

"What? Ok…" Laughing, Ryan grabbed one of his knees and leaned back. I felt the need to vomit. (Really? Again?)

So there we sat for several minutes, just watching the figures move across the screen. My dad came in and looked us over on the couch. Shrugging it off he went upstairs and I heard the water running. Then as I took one more breath I felt a pain in my side.

"If you did go what would have dressed up as?" I asked as I pressed down on my hips.

"I figured something like vampire," He shrugged and answered quickly like he had it out laying on his bed already.

"Aw, something so generic from Ryan Ross?"

"Yeah, I don't know. I could make it cool or something, plus some other people said they'd do it too." Ryan looked at his lap then tipped his head to face me. My heart beat became faster and my side started aching like no other.

"God, Ryan- I…" there was a pause as Kayla walked through to the kitchen. I blinked and swallowed, this line I was ready to say (finally), "I have to tell you something."

"If it is bad I don't want to hear it. Please," Ryan crossed his arms and went a little pale. I knew something was up because for some reason when things at home aren't going well for him the rest of the world has to be perfect to cover it up.

"But-" the corners of my mouth twitched into a frown as I thought about hurting him more. I sat there looking at him trying not to speak knowing what would come out now.

"Ok, so my mom is giving me shit again. And it isn't like before, it is full out and she's- she's talking to my dad again. You know how my dad doesn't truly believe that I'm… gay?" I nodded and looked away for a split second, as he made a nervous attempt to be open with me, "She's trying to convince him that I am and that means he'll go on a 'let's not talk to Ryan streak'. I just can't handle it anymore." After spilling all of this to me he took a broken gasp in.

"Screw it! Let's go."

There was so much more I wanted to say to him but the atmosphere was killing me. It was too quiet and there wasn't enough noise to block out the voices in my head. On top of that the things I wanted to say and tell him I knew he wouldn't accept. Like for example, how I thought his dad loved him and knew he was gay or bisexual… he just knew that the rest of the world didn't deem it ok, so being Mr. Ross he had to make somebody feel good. It just wasn't going to Ryan.

"Really?" his eyes lit up, revealing the childlike happiness he still could carry.

I nodded and then we left after I wrote a note saying we would be at his house. Ryan quickly changed when we got there, then we searched around for something for me. We decided on taking the hat from his dad's old marching uniform and a pare of crazy boots, then just an old long sleeve t-shirt with the shoulders from the uniform. To top it off we found this stick on mustache…which, I threatened to wear all the time. Overall I actually felt good to be going to a party, you know, instead of that guilty feeling. Besides, it isn't like I'm going to drink or anything when I'm there.