August

I was laying on my bed waiting to go back to the doctor's to talk again, only, thank God, I have a different one now. See, Doc Beckett managed to tell not only Will and his family, but the whole clinic. My parents found this story out, they thought that another specialist would be better for me. Of course, my mom and dad came to that conclusion after a day of not talking to me and just staring at me, which only made me want to run to my room and never leave.

Oh yeah and I still haven't told my best-friend, Pete. Yet another "thank God". He doesn't like Ryan very well… although he's never told me why. He's friends with William though, so I don't know if he's found out yet. If he did he'd probably call to freak out or something…And no, I know for a fact that it isn't a whole love triangle thing with Pete, he has a girlfriend. They're mad about each other- you can tell by the way he looks at her. That's another thing.

It was the way Ryan looked at me.

Just the way he stared.

I knew he was mad, but I couldn't tell if he still loved me. I mean hell, he should, or at least I hope he does, love is a hard thing to get rid of. Well for most people it is, not for the world wonder Ryan Ross. Gah- it still isn't helping I love him.

"Brendon!" My mother called from down the stairs.

"Coming." I yelled just loud enough for her to hear, then I grumbled grabbing a hoddie. Who cares if it is ninety degrees out? I have to start dressing in baggy clothes anyways, I should just start early. Plus, I may not have actually gotten 'big' yet, but my chest is weirdly swollen and I feel bloated.

The car ride there was silent, and the time in the waiting room was long. Having two year old magazines didn't help either and then you add the fact that my iPod froze this morning when I tried uploading songs onto it. The closer the nurse got to the end of the hallway, the more I attempted to think of other things. I knew for sure I wanted a Jolt and a good joint. Yeah like that'll happen.

My mother squeezed my hand as the young nurse in mint green scrubs called my name. He looked rather confused when he did, and then he seemed to be even more confused when he had to take my weight and measure how big my stomach was. I kind of wanted to shout at him 'yeah dude it is happening', besides who wants to be a male nurse in an OBGYN section of the clinic? We stepped into the small room and, surprisingly, the doctor was there before the damn patient.

"So Mr. Urie," I looked this new doctor over, he had a white beard and his hair was still like salt and pepper. His eyes were always at a happy squint while his nostrils flared every time he made a facial expression. I couldn't tell if he even had lips.

"I'm Dr. Hancock, you can call me H if you want… um, so I see you're pregnant."

"I guess…" his statement was meant to be fact and there was no meanness behind it, still I felt ashamed. Hanging my head, I sucked in a deep breath.

"I see, but just to make sure, we will get another urine sample, and an ultrasound," he swiveled in his chair and looked at a few charts, "If you could go down the hall and take a left to the x-ray and processing part of the clinic we can get you set up with those tests. When you get back I'll have a machine all set up for you." He smiled and exited the room with his white lab coat flying behind him.

I finally exhaled completely, then hopped off the bench and my mother lead the way down the hall. From there I did my business and we were told to go back to the bland little room and then the waiting would set in.

As I sat there I tried to doze off and pretend that this wasn't real… My mother sat wrapping the strap of her old, beat up, brown leather hand bag around her finger. She looked as nervous as I felt. This was the last time something could be wrong, this was the time everything was double and triple checked. There was no way I could relax like this. I sighed cleared my throat and it must have gotten my mom's attention.

"You aren't mad at me, are you?" A simple question and complex at same time.

"No." A simple answer.

"Really?" I asked quietly. I never really "came out". In fact I didn't even know I was gay until recently. I'd never really been attracted to anyone in that sort of way until I met Ryan. "Not even for having sex with- Ryan?"

"No," There was a pause so I thought she was done, but she sat forward more in her chair, "-I hope you know that obviously, God intended you to be special."

I bit my lower lip. What was that supposed to mean? God's the bastard now! He's the one who made me this way, He's the one who made me gay, and He's the one who made me able to bare a child, and He's behind the answer. Yeah. Sometimes I can only wonder what my mother thinks. Brainwashing I tell you.

She looked down and folded her hands in her lap, and the door opened. We both watched as a TV-like machine was rolled in. The same male nurse that weighed me and measured me followed shortly afterward. I scooted back on the cushiony grey examining bench and felt my heart start racing.

"Now I'll need you to take your shirt off and lay back Brendon," Dr. Hancock put on some gloves, not looking at me, as I slid my shirt off my head and laid back…such a familiar action, "This might be a little cold."

A little cold, try like dry ice cold! On the screen a black image with a white outline appeared on it, I didn't see anything other then that. Apparently it was pretty special though, because the nurse was getting twitchy and excited looking next to me. My mother on the other hand looked just as lost as me.

"I don't see anything."

"That outline, is your uterus. And see that little speck?" I nodded as he traced a dot on the screen, "Well that's the baby."

"Ba-" the word began to come out of both of our mouths, but never seemed to finish.

"Yes, and here," Dr. Hancock adjusted something and a loud pounding noise filled the room. A grim expression came over his face and he shut the machines off, "Clean off your stomach son, I need to talk about a few things."

The nurse left, wheeling out the cart and I wiped the light blue goo of my tummy. Dr. Hancock paced in the section between the counter with the sink and the desk attached to the wall.

"This is a high risk pregnancy seeing as how we don't know what is going to happen afterwards. Most doctors would highly recommend aborting… it's really up to you at this point." He sat down folding his hands, then placed one on his knee and looked up at me.

An uncomfortable wave went over the room. I felt my body go numb as I thought about it, I knew for a fact my mom was silently screaming 'no' to me as she stared at the floor. Shrugging I played with the hem on my shirt.

"Well, next appointment you have, we'll decide, if you want to-I'll perform the surgery."

There's no way to even come close to my thought processes sometimes and this was a time I wished my mind worked clearly. A lump formed in my throat as he went on with other matters of business, so for the next ten minutes I remained silent as he told my mom about what could or couldn't happen.

We walked out of the hospital with the automatic door opening into a sunny day. If only it could be like the movies, where you walk outside and the weather is cliché and describes the mood.

What would Ryan say about this?

Think.

Does it matter what he says?

Either way, I still was putting it off before I told Pete. And if I did hold off any longer he'd probably be a little pissed, just one more thing I needed to add to my problems. If there were anymore at that moment I think a bird would have swooped down to pick me up and feed me to it's young.