August

"Come on. Brendon I'm not letting you ride the bus." Jon begged again, trying to get me to ride with him.

"It isn't a good idea, you'll get man handled or something." Spencer added in.

The two boys and I walked down the hall with our backpacks on our shoulders. A few people gave us dirty looks and whispered to each other, but all of us were used to it. Sadly, they did have a point though, now I was making news. The school had to go as far to get the police to watch the area. At home we had the same treatment, God, I was like Brittany Spears. (I'm still wearing underwear).

"Just because Bill and Pete can't play sitter right now doesn't mean you guys have to." We made it out the doors and I was almost to the buses. Will was out sick and Pete really did skip the next day, probably because he didn't want to take the shit for it and it was Friday too.

"Turning now," Spencer got on the other side of me and they maneuvered me forcefully to the parking lot. I had the feeling my parents told them to watch out for me extra too, "Almost to the car…"

"Bren, just agree so it isn't considered kidnapping." Jon leaned in like I was going to say it.

"Fine."

"That's right." Spencer declared and we raised our pace to try and make it out of the area before all the busses left.

"I can pick up something from Starbucks if you want," Jon looked over to the passenger seat as the car started.

"No, I'm good."

"Spin?"

"No, thanks." He smiled back, the side of Jon's mouth twitched up and then he turned back to start driving like a mad man.

Of course, Jon didn't go straight to my house like I asked him to. No, no, we went to Spencer's house. Unfortunately, it was in the area of Ryan's, I should be saying William's seeing as how I talk to him more now. The guys didn't seem to take it into consideration.

"Jeez, you two are just the best of friends." I rolled my eyes as I saw the two begin to wrestle the second they stepped in the door.

"Boys!" Mr. Smith called from the living room, "I'm trying to watch the weather, keep it down!"

"Sorry…" Spencer mumbled and Jon looked like a lost puppy. I remained silent and sauntered over to the exercise ball in the corner of the rec room.

The house became quiet again. All of us settled on playing catch with a whiffleball and were talking about anything that crossed our minds. Which, let me add wasn't anything too important.

"I hate it when-" Jon started and tossed the ball to me, but was interrupted halfway through by footsteps in the hallway. The three of us glanced over our shoulder and much to my despair it was Butcher, Patrick and Ryan.

"Fuck!" I kicked the ball out from under my butt and wobbled into the next room. Jon and Spencer started making a fuss about it, then realized how awkward it would have been for me.

"Check it out!" The Butcher lifted up his shirt sleeve to reveal a tattoo of trees.

"Sweet, man." Jon looked around his upper arm and nodded. Spin acted like he was interested for a second, then went to paying attention to other things in the room.

"Yeah. The guys said it would get all scabby and nasty in a few days." Pat said turning up his nose a little, I couldn't help but stifle a laugh from around the corner at his squeamish response. Butcher smiled and Ryan shook his head with a miniature grin at nothing.

"So… we were just wondering if any of you wanted to run out to get pizza with us?" The Butcher shook out of it and the boys that were originally with me shook their heads 'no' to my relief.

"Ok, your loss!" Patrick shrugged and started shuffling out, "I could have given you guys the discount."

"Maybe next time." Spencer shouted as they left. Ryan was at the back of the pack and when he was far enough away I reentered the room just to see his back leave.

"Seriously? Seriously?" I waved my arms around so they landed on the top of my head, "They had to stop-"

"Oh hey-" Ryan came back holding a hand up to his shoulder, not exactly seeing who was in the room, "Spence can I have my CD back?"

I felt my feet freeze and Jon and Spencer's eyes got wide. Ryan noticed them first and it moved to me. His Adam's apple bobbed and a crackly sound came from the back of his throat. There was no way of telling what his emotion was- whether it was rage, surprise, or sadness. I just couldn't see anything. Spencer finally cleared his throat and moved his head in a circle while he talked.

"Auh… yeah. Soon."

Ryan's facial expression remained blank as he took his first steps backwards to the doorway. With every move the room grew less and less tense, at least for me. Shortly after the guys officially leaving Jon made sure to get conversation going quickly. I smiled and bore it for the rest of the night before they took me home. When I got home it was dinner, although, I wasn't hungry so I planted in the shed outside. It was still a little eerie feeling for me to be in the backyard… Being there was better then in my room, for there was too much temptation there. I sat atop our lawnmower, leaning back I saw some stars between the clouds through the open shed door.

I don't think I've ever been loved by a hand that's touched me.

No, Ryan and I were just a fling.

I should have known. Nothing at this point could fix us and I knew it now. Yes, after five months of being ignored on and off I knew it. Pete had always been right, hell, older brothers always are. Grabbing my sides I squeezed hoping to get the cuts, which were almost healed, open again, that or to get some form of pain. So badly I wanted to throw something and scream. Mentally I had the energy, but the physical was lacking.

Slowly shaking from holding back tears I unzipped my hoodie and moved my hands down to my belly. The protruding bump was warm and the slightest jump made me slouch to make me appear as I felt. Placing one hand on my knee and keeping one on my stomach I felt every inch of it. Every inch of the thing that was Ryan and me. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. One tear was escaping at the corner of my eye.

Catch in sleeve.

Remove glasses.

Stand.

Search for any remaining sunlight.

No matter what I said to Pete or myself when I saw Ryan none of that be of importance. I just wanted to be with him. We were probably over, yes, but I wasn't individually with him. There was so much I had to say- so much that I never was able to get out on the table. I couldn't really cry. I saw this coming. Rubbing the bridge of my nose I sat back down, this time on the floor of the dimly lit shed.

The next morning I didn't get out of bed and for the rest of the week I didn't go to school. And this is how it went for days, until I was forced to go the doctor's. Which is where Hancock directed me to go on bed rest for the another week, because he was worried anything about school would make my exhaustion worse.