August

My mom changed her schedule in order to stay with me more in the day. Today she was getting her Christmas shopping done, so she dropped me off at the library that way I could pick up a book for a class. The rain clouds that were over head had finally decided to do something. And let me tell you, that rain was fucking cold, but just a sprinkle. When I walked in the librarians watched me for the first five minutes, like they couldn't believe their eyes, after I took off my slightly soggy sweatshirt. All the while I was trying not to wince. The best part is when I tried putting it back on, the zipper was so tight I went to pull up: my fingers slipped and I punched my own jaw.

Once finding my book I picked up a magazine to read while I waited for my mom to text me she was done shopping. People came and went, most didn't notice me, which I didn't mind. As I finished reading the last page about my horoscope I decided to actually get a book I would enjoy as opposed to one I had read. That's what library's are for right?

Well that's what certain people think.

Wandering to the fiction section I noticed someone on the other side of the shelf I was at. They seemed unusually skittish and well, clumsy. I shrugged and pulled out a book to read the summary. It sounded good, so I picked up the one next to it by the same author leaving a bigger gap. To my curiosity I peeked through to the other side and saw nothing but brown hair. They seemed to be doing the same thing. Blushing I grabbed the books, checked them out and sat back at my table to get to the first chapter or so on my book.

"Brendon…" A tall gangly Ryan fucking Ross asked and I looked up from my book. No words came to mouth a trait around him I'm not used to yet.

I didn't want to ask any questions, I didn't want to know how mad he was at me- nothing. If he needed to talk I'd let him. Yet, I highly doubted that's what he'd do, Mr. Ross had many words, but never pulled the trigger. He stood watching me as I went back to reading and kept opening his mouth to say something, but nothing ever came out. Finally, he sat down across from me and started playing with a loose string or something on his pant leg. Checking my phone uncomfortably for the time since I had gotten there I hoped there'd be any new messages. I realized it was about 3:30. It'd explain why he'd be here, and of course, he was always complaining that our school library never had any books he wanted. Ah, yes the downside of a small town.

"Brendon I-" He was warned by a worker to keep his volume down and Ryan paused for a moment, "I don't know what to say."

"That's normal." I muttered not trying to sound harsh.

Then there's you.

Screamin' say something.

"I… know." He said sounding humiliated about his habits. Normally I would have said sorry and moved on for him, but there wasn't anything to go off of. He sat with the back of the chair between his legs and rested his head on his hand, "Are you…" I stopped pretending to read my book and looked up at Ryan.

"What?"

"Are you going to be ok?" his words began to stumble over each other. Seeing the worried expression on his now lonely face I shrugged.

"I guess, H said I would be. I just needed some rest." I said blandly trying not to show any emotion.

"Well, how's the-" Ryan shook his head and moved his hand over to cover his mouth, I cocked an eyebrow, "Baby?" The word was muffled and grumbled through his hand. My heart did a back flip and I thought the answer would be immediate but I actually had to think of what to say.

"Um, it is healthy… and they're telling me completely normal."

"Is it- is it a girl or a boy?" He turned his eyes down towards the table and let his hands fall to the table top.

"I don't know, James and Roger asked us not to tell them."

"Who?"

"They're adopting the thing once it's born. They're nice people, I think they'll be good dads." I said quietly and uncomfortably as I watched his face twitch into a frown. My pocket started vibrating and I flipped open my phone to see it was my mom calling this time, "My mom's here," I pointed with my thumb to the window.

"Bye Be-" A corner of his mouth raised with the words. I gave a head motion and as I walked out and taking once last glance at Ryan I noticed a look of relief on his face. Maybe it was because he figured I didn't completely hate him or the fact that the seed he so helpfully created was still most likely perfect.

I felt overwhelmed with the situation that just happened and the second I got home I went to bed. But I couldn't sleep-- I just traced the popcorn ceiling over with my eyes as I waited to be called down to dinner. To drown out my thoughts I listened to the tinkering sound of the rain on the roof. What I really wanted was a human to talk to. Yet, my friends who knew about my situation stopped calling me the day before because my mom said it was too stressful for me, so I was completely alone. There was the exception of Pete, but I knew he wouldn't want to hear it.

Sighing I placed my hands on my belly again.

"You're still a tumor- you remember that," I choked back tears as I repeated the process I had done nights before, "Huh, God? If you're listening, this is fucked up. Don't worry kid… you'll be loved by somebody. It just isn't me, remember that too so you can tell sob stories and make millions with that face you'll have." I felt an unwilling smile as I pictured all of Ryan and my best features mashed into one and I was jealous, "Then when you locate you freak parents you can make Ryan feel as bad as I do now."

With the last words slow streaming salty tears fell into the crease of my lips. I wiped my face and there was no rush of emotion, no panic feeling just tears. At last I was letting it out without trying to hide it or shrugging it off. There was no more stifled sobs or holding my breathe until I felt the oxygen stop, then there wasn't any red spot from squeezing my eyes shut. Tears. Still not everything was out. It was a small step into getting everything out on the table with Ryan.

"He's so hard to let go of. You know Ry was the first for me and- at everything I mean he was the first boy I was ever with." With blurred vision I stared at my belly and felt it move for a second, "And God damn it! Stop kicking." Weirdly enough it stopped and I sighed fully letting my eyes fill again with water. A final slur of words came out of my mouth before I rolled to my side and allowed myself to fall asleep, "I'm sorry baby."