Note to Self
Ch 10
A Month Later
Emily's POV
I sipped the beer in the cup. I hadn't spoken to anyone in my family since the whole Billy thing. I was giving Zakky and Eddie shit and completely horrid to Ari's boyfriend. God…I hated guys making out with each other…doing the nasty together. It made me so freaked out. Most girls I knew loved a chance to see emo guys make out or just guys in general. I guess when that's what you grew up around, it's different. I threw out homophobic slurs twenty-four/seven making Ari cry. We used to be close. River just called me a whore. My parents were so mad. They were grounding me all the time. I shouldn't have been at this party. I shouldn't, but I am. Julie ran over to me.
"Oh my God, Em, look at that." She pointed to River and Ari at the river doing it.
"Don't. That is completely wrong and disturbing."
"Fuck that. It's sexy. It's hot. It makes me horny." I rolled my eyes. Why did Ari still think nobody ever came here? I looked for Tommy and hugged him.
"Hey baby."
"Oh, what's up Em?" He said before kissing me.
"Nothing. Can we go get something to eat?"
"Yeah, sure." He told people we were leaving and I saw Ari crying as River held him. I felt bad for him. I mean, everyone talked about how nice sex was, but Ari cried every time he got fucked. Tommy looked over to where I was staring. They had their underwear on but nothing else.
"Isn't that your brother?"
"Mhm."
"What's wrong with him?"
"He just finished getting fucked up the ass." I said.
"Oh…but…never mind."
"Don't worry. He always cries."
"Oh okay. You ready?"
"Yeah." I followed him to his car and we drove to the nearest Taco Bell.
River's POV
"Are you okay?" I whispered in his ear.
"Yeah I'm fine. It was great." He kissed me, but how can I believe him? He was crying like someone had beat him up.
"Honey, why is it that you cry like this every time?"
"I don't know. It's not your fault though. Don't think it is. You're great."
"Does it still hurt?"
"No. It's amazing, but I don't know."
"You wanna go home?"
"That'd be good." He said wiping his eyes, sniffling. We got dressed and I held his hand as we walked home. I didn't think it was fair. I loved him, and he cried. I thought about dumping him so many times it took up the majority of the time, but then right as I made up my mind to do it, he'd look at me adorably and say, "What is it babe? I love you." It made things so hard. I had decided to break it off with him now. I came back from the kitchen with two cans of Pepsi. I handed one to him.
"Thank you." He smiled and kissed my cheek.
"Ari, I, I need to talk to you about something."
"What?" He asked using those adorable eyes for evil. The eyes that when filled with concern for me, could make me kill someone if he was the one asking. I wondered if he knew his eyes were irresistible. I closed my eyes.
"I, I think…" I couldn't do it. I couldn't break his heart.
"You think what?"
"I think I'm in love with you." I finished quickly.
"Really? I think I'm in love with you too." He kissed me. Shit.
Ari's POV
He was in love with me! Yeah! I knew I was in love with him. I knew it. I was so happy! "I'll be right back okay?" I said kissing him again.
"Sure." He forced a tiny smiled. I ran to my parent's room and looked for their camera.
"What are you looking for Ari?" Daddy asked coming in with clean sheets. He spread them on the bed.
"Uh, where's your camera?"
"I don't know. I think Eddie lent it to J.D. and Aaron. Why?"
"Well River just told me he's in love with me!"
"Aw, that's so sweet." He hugged me. He knew how I felt about River.
"I know." I smiled.
"Well you certainly are a ball of light." Dad said coming in the room.
"Dad do you know where your camera is?"
"J.D. and Aaron are using it for Aqua's birthday. They haven't given it back yet."
"Oh…"
"Ari, hon, I'm really worried about you." Daddy said.
"Why?"
"You're crying all the time."
"There's this thing I do, and I don't know why."
"Hm?"
"Every time we, you know, I cry." He glanced at Dad. "I thought it was making him made, but…you know what he said and all."
"Yeah…"
"Well I'm gonna go get something to eat then get back to River." I bounced out of the room and to the kitchen.
River's POV
I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew the longer I waited, the more he'd get hurt. I was in the guest room anyway. When he came back…when he came back I was telling the truth. I mean, he was to emotional and clingy. Sure a lot of that has to do with me. I mean I see this sexy kid and ask to have sex. I know he doesn't really want to…but…
He came in the room tearing me from my thoughts. "Hey. You want some?" He offered me some Little Debbie's oatmeal cookies, zebra cakes and something else that I didn't know what it was.
"No, I'm good."
"Oh, okay." I didn't look at him. I couldn't look at him and do this.
"Ari, I was lying. I'm not in love with you. I never thought I was and I don’t think I ever could. The truth is I've been wanting to break it off for two weeks now."
Ari's POV
"Ari, I was lying. I'm not in love with you. I never thought I was and I don’t think I ever could. The truth is I've been wanting to break it off for two weeks now." I felt the words tear into me, ripping my heart out and shredding it. He wasn't looking at me. "But it's just so damn hard to do when you look at me. When I see your perfect eyes, I can't do it. Ari, we're over, but we can still be friends. I promise. Is that okay with you?"
"Yeah, of course." I lied.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah." I said holding the tears back.
"Good." He hugged me. "Night." He went to his room. I ate slowly hoping the sugar and the chocolate could help…it didn’t. I curled up in a ball and started sobbing quietly. I cried myself to sleep, but my dreams were filled with how much I loved him. How could he take me and then just dump me? I didn't even want to do it…
When I woke up, I thought it had all been a nightmare, then I realized it wasn't. When I realized it was real, the pain was back. It hurt more now than ever. I went to the bathroom and as I was taking my shower, I spotted Emily's razor. I took one of the refills to my room. After getting dressed, I stared at them. Maybe…I broke the casing and had three sharp, flimsy razor blades laying on my sheets. I hid the casing and extra blades. I pushed up me sleeve. Shaking, I touched the razor to my skin and ripped it across a few different places. At first, there was nothing, then blood started escaping through the long, tiny slits that now littered my arms. I smiled and watched the blood drip. I felt the pain flow out of my body and onto my sheets. After ten minutes I went to bathroom and washed the blood off. I cleaned them and the blade before going to my room and hiding that one too.
Emily's POV
I sipped the beer in the cup. I hadn't spoken to anyone in my family since the whole Billy thing. I was giving Zakky and Eddie shit and completely horrid to Ari's boyfriend. God…I hated guys making out with each other…doing the nasty together. It made me so freaked out. Most girls I knew loved a chance to see emo guys make out or just guys in general. I guess when that's what you grew up around, it's different. I threw out homophobic slurs twenty-four/seven making Ari cry. We used to be close. River just called me a whore. My parents were so mad. They were grounding me all the time. I shouldn't have been at this party. I shouldn't, but I am. Julie ran over to me.
"Oh my God, Em, look at that." She pointed to River and Ari at the river doing it.
"Don't. That is completely wrong and disturbing."
"Fuck that. It's sexy. It's hot. It makes me horny." I rolled my eyes. Why did Ari still think nobody ever came here? I looked for Tommy and hugged him.
"Hey baby."
"Oh, what's up Em?" He said before kissing me.
"Nothing. Can we go get something to eat?"
"Yeah, sure." He told people we were leaving and I saw Ari crying as River held him. I felt bad for him. I mean, everyone talked about how nice sex was, but Ari cried every time he got fucked. Tommy looked over to where I was staring. They had their underwear on but nothing else.
"Isn't that your brother?"
"Mhm."
"What's wrong with him?"
"He just finished getting fucked up the ass." I said.
"Oh…but…never mind."
"Don't worry. He always cries."
"Oh okay. You ready?"
"Yeah." I followed him to his car and we drove to the nearest Taco Bell.
River's POV
"Are you okay?" I whispered in his ear.
"Yeah I'm fine. It was great." He kissed me, but how can I believe him? He was crying like someone had beat him up.
"Honey, why is it that you cry like this every time?"
"I don't know. It's not your fault though. Don't think it is. You're great."
"Does it still hurt?"
"No. It's amazing, but I don't know."
"You wanna go home?"
"That'd be good." He said wiping his eyes, sniffling. We got dressed and I held his hand as we walked home. I didn't think it was fair. I loved him, and he cried. I thought about dumping him so many times it took up the majority of the time, but then right as I made up my mind to do it, he'd look at me adorably and say, "What is it babe? I love you." It made things so hard. I had decided to break it off with him now. I came back from the kitchen with two cans of Pepsi. I handed one to him.
"Thank you." He smiled and kissed my cheek.
"Ari, I, I need to talk to you about something."
"What?" He asked using those adorable eyes for evil. The eyes that when filled with concern for me, could make me kill someone if he was the one asking. I wondered if he knew his eyes were irresistible. I closed my eyes.
"I, I think…" I couldn't do it. I couldn't break his heart.
"You think what?"
"I think I'm in love with you." I finished quickly.
"Really? I think I'm in love with you too." He kissed me. Shit.
Ari's POV
He was in love with me! Yeah! I knew I was in love with him. I knew it. I was so happy! "I'll be right back okay?" I said kissing him again.
"Sure." He forced a tiny smiled. I ran to my parent's room and looked for their camera.
"What are you looking for Ari?" Daddy asked coming in with clean sheets. He spread them on the bed.
"Uh, where's your camera?"
"I don't know. I think Eddie lent it to J.D. and Aaron. Why?"
"Well River just told me he's in love with me!"
"Aw, that's so sweet." He hugged me. He knew how I felt about River.
"I know." I smiled.
"Well you certainly are a ball of light." Dad said coming in the room.
"Dad do you know where your camera is?"
"J.D. and Aaron are using it for Aqua's birthday. They haven't given it back yet."
"Oh…"
"Ari, hon, I'm really worried about you." Daddy said.
"Why?"
"You're crying all the time."
"There's this thing I do, and I don't know why."
"Hm?"
"Every time we, you know, I cry." He glanced at Dad. "I thought it was making him made, but…you know what he said and all."
"Yeah…"
"Well I'm gonna go get something to eat then get back to River." I bounced out of the room and to the kitchen.
River's POV
I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew the longer I waited, the more he'd get hurt. I was in the guest room anyway. When he came back…when he came back I was telling the truth. I mean, he was to emotional and clingy. Sure a lot of that has to do with me. I mean I see this sexy kid and ask to have sex. I know he doesn't really want to…but…
He came in the room tearing me from my thoughts. "Hey. You want some?" He offered me some Little Debbie's oatmeal cookies, zebra cakes and something else that I didn't know what it was.
"No, I'm good."
"Oh, okay." I didn't look at him. I couldn't look at him and do this.
"Ari, I was lying. I'm not in love with you. I never thought I was and I don’t think I ever could. The truth is I've been wanting to break it off for two weeks now."
Ari's POV
"Ari, I was lying. I'm not in love with you. I never thought I was and I don’t think I ever could. The truth is I've been wanting to break it off for two weeks now." I felt the words tear into me, ripping my heart out and shredding it. He wasn't looking at me. "But it's just so damn hard to do when you look at me. When I see your perfect eyes, I can't do it. Ari, we're over, but we can still be friends. I promise. Is that okay with you?"
"Yeah, of course." I lied.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah." I said holding the tears back.
"Good." He hugged me. "Night." He went to his room. I ate slowly hoping the sugar and the chocolate could help…it didn’t. I curled up in a ball and started sobbing quietly. I cried myself to sleep, but my dreams were filled with how much I loved him. How could he take me and then just dump me? I didn't even want to do it…
When I woke up, I thought it had all been a nightmare, then I realized it wasn't. When I realized it was real, the pain was back. It hurt more now than ever. I went to the bathroom and as I was taking my shower, I spotted Emily's razor. I took one of the refills to my room. After getting dressed, I stared at them. Maybe…I broke the casing and had three sharp, flimsy razor blades laying on my sheets. I hid the casing and extra blades. I pushed up me sleeve. Shaking, I touched the razor to my skin and ripped it across a few different places. At first, there was nothing, then blood started escaping through the long, tiny slits that now littered my arms. I smiled and watched the blood drip. I felt the pain flow out of my body and onto my sheets. After ten minutes I went to bathroom and washed the blood off. I cleaned them and the blade before going to my room and hiding that one too.