Note to Self

Eddie’s POV
I stood there confused. What was he saying? Wait…was he saying what I was I thinking he was saying? No, he couldn’t…could he? I slowly went inside. Emily and Ari were sitting in the living room. “Dad what’s going on?” Emily asked.
“I don’t know.” I said. I went to our room and saw Zakky crying on the bed. “Why are you thinking about this?” I asked.
“I keep thinking about it. I think about it every fucking year. When we got married…Eddie that was last time I saw Kyler alive. He begged me to go…begged me. I basically gave him fucking permission to die. Eddie, I watched for too long. I watched Janie beat the shit out of him and I learned so much from it. I learned how lying covers up everything. How if someone is stupid enough or just doesn’t care enough…everything sucks Eddie.” I went over to him.
“Zakky what are you saying? That you’re going to go pretend that you’re gay? Go live a fucking lie? Deny the feelings? Zakky, honey…you can’t do that and we both know that.”
“It’d be easier. And I’m not saying that I’m leaving you. Don’t you think for a minute that I ever would. I just needed to tell you these feelings. I couldn’t hold them in anymore, but now that they’re out, let’s fuck.” His eyes suddenly brightened and that adorable spread across his face. It was absolutely beautiful. Amazing. I crawled in bed and kissed him.

Ari’s POV
I was on my way out of the house when Daddy called from his room for me and Emily to come straight home from school because his people were coming over. I went out the front door and saw Reese, Reggie and Kieran coming down the street. Kieran came running over to me. I kissed his cheek.
“Hey babe.” I said.
“Hi. Guess what?” He asked slipping his hand in mine.
“What?” I asked as he pulled me down the driveway to the curb where Reese and Reggie were talking. Reggie glanced at me then back at Reese who was talking about his new crush.
“I want you to come over. I have a surprise for you.”
“You do?”
“Mhm.”
“And what would this surprise be?”
“Uh…something that you’d like.”
“Oh?” Kieran smiled adorably at me.
“I can’t resist your cute little baby face!” Kieran said playfully hitting my chest. “I’m gonna give you a blowjob. Suck you off. Fuck your little ass. Sex you up. You know…stuff.”
“Uh…Kieran, as good as that sounds, I have to go home right after school. We’re having family over.” That was true, but I didn’t want to have sex with him. I couldn’t take it. Making out was about as far as I could go at the moment.
“Stop it. I want to do this. Ari, you’re being stupid. You had sex with River! Why not me? I mean you guys made sex tapes!” Reggie looked at us.
“I didn’t know about that…I didn’t even want to.”
“Yeah you did. You’re probably still doing things with him.” He glared at River who was leaning against the bus stop smoking. It was a disgusting habit he’d picked up from his new friends.
“Oh, hell no. Kieran come on.” He pulled Kieran a few feet away and started yelling at him. Reese hugged my shoulders as we walked down the street.
“Ari, you coming with me? Any of you guys?” Emily asked starting the car.
“No.” Reese called. “So can you believe that Nick could like me?” He smiled.
“Uh…yeah. You’re amazing Reese.”
“Not amazing enough for you right?” I stared at him.
“I told you I didn’t do anything.”
“Well…yeah, but Ari you won’t take me back.”
“You asked me after I was dating River. Then you were going after Nick so Kieran got me first. I would have taken you back, but we’re with people.”
“Nobody has to know.”
“Reese…I thought…”
“Thought we were over this? Thought we couldn’t ever get back together?”
“Reese a few months ago…I thought I would never talk to you and Reggie again. Now…”
“I know. I was an ass.”
“Look if me and Kieran don’t work out, you’re the first person I’d go to.”
“Okay.” He hugged me again. “But have you seen the ass on that guy?” I laughed.
At school, Reggie and I were sitting against the wall in gym. I hated gym with a passion, but at least we were allowed to wear hoodies. Reggie and I were the only ones who wore them. The guys called us the cutters. They didn’t really know. Reggie would never self harm…ever.
“Reggie! Ari!” Coach yelled. We looked at him. “Go run a mile!” Everyone in the gym was laughing. They were playing basketball…shirts and skins. My eyes fell on River’s perfect body.
“You checking me out faggot?” River asked.
“No.” I mumbled following Reggie to the track. This was our gym everyday after role call. We jogged along silently until Reggie stopped and looked at me.
“Ari, don’t let Kieran get to you. Please don’t do anything that you aren’t one hundred percent sure with. You’d both end up hurt in the end.”
“Okay.” I started up again. He grabbed my arm. My sleeve came up a little exposing long, deep cuts that ran along my wrist. He stared at them for a minute then pulled me behind the bleachers. “Reggie, I don’t want to talk about it.” I said. Reggie shook his head.
“My best friend. My best friend.” He repeated.
“Reg, don’t tell anyone.”
“As long as you don’t tell anyone about me.” He lifted his sleeves and exposed smaller, shallower cuts. “They’re right I guess.”
“About what?”
“Us being cutters.” I nodded. “We should go finish our laps right?’
“Yeah.” He pulled me to my feet and we finished running silently. We started our way back to the gym.
“How long?” Reggie asked.
“Uh…like um awhile. I’m sure exactly…I guess after River dumped me.”
“Wow…uh…okay.”
“What about you?”
“Um…since I moved with my dad and Kieran to New York…maybe before.” I nodded. We finished dressing and were released to my next class. I had had to stay late for detention in French after this guy said I told him I was going to rape him in the locker room after school in French so I was the only one in the hall. My parents were kinda mad that I had detention, but more at the school than me. I didn’t talk in class. Everyone knew that. That’s the only reason I wasn’t suspended or expelled. I was getting things for my homework when Jerry grabbed me and slammed me against the lockers.
“You’re gay right?” He asked. Something about his voice was different. It was scared and a little apprehensive. He kept looking around.
“I’m bi.” I whispered.
“Wow, your voice is really pretty.” He muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing. Come with me. You got all your stuff.” I nodded. He pushed me in his car and took me to his house.
“What are you doing?” I asked as he dragged me to his room. He locked the door and ran his hands roughly over his face and hair.
“Okay, listen and listen good. You are going to suck me off everyday that I say so. Then in turn I will fuck you up the ass, suck and/or jerk you off along with a little cash and no shit at school.” I shifted uncomfortably.
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I don’t care.”
“What if I say no?” He pulled out a pocketknife.
“You’re boyfriend isn’t ever gonna see that jewel again and your life will be hell. Comprende?” I nodded slowly.
“But um…I was supposed to go home.”
“You will. As soon as I have a fucking orgasm in your fucking mouth.” He undid his pants. I moved slightly. He took my face in his hands and pushed it toward his dick. I wanted to die. This wasn’t right…no…not at all. He tugged at my hair and moaned before coming in my mouth. I swallowed it and looked at him wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Can I go home now?”
“Uh…I was kinda hoping I could compensate. I think…hm…fucked up the ass? How’s that sound?” I looked down at my shoes.
“Please, can I just go home?” Jerry looked mad, but nodded.
“Tomorrow in the janitor closet. Lunch.” I nodded and ran from his room to my house. When I got there, Aunt Tera was hugging Zakky. He looked really down and like he’d been crying. He saw me and pushed Tera away.
“Where’ve you been?”
“Detention.” I muttered going to my room.
“It’s eight.”
“So sue me.” I said closing my door.
“Ari, you have ten minutes until you have to come down here okay?”
“Whatever.” I said. I pulled out my French homework. I was such a nerd. I was probably the only kid on the face of the planet who did homework first thing Friday after school. My cousins were here and my grandparents and aunts and uncles. Who cared that it was almost Thanksgiving? It was such a dumb holiday. I didn’t give a shit. I was glad River had finally gotten another foster home. Too bad it was only a few houses down the street. My cousin Dylan came in my room. He was nineteen and a rare species of jock…nice. I smiled at him.
“Your dad is having a fucking panic attack because of your little not being with the fam. What’s up with French homework?”
“Uh…I just do homework as soon as I get home.”
“Oh…that’s weird. What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“On your chin.” I looked in the mirror and saw a small drop of white on my chin. Shit.
“Uh, I don’t know.” I said wiping it away.
“Ari, where were you really?” He smirked.
“Detention.”
“Please. Nobody has detention until eight.”
“Well I did. Actually till seven-thirty, but…”
“You're not straight are you?”’
“I’m bi. You know that.”
“And you were at your boyfriend’s house sucking him off. I know cum when I see it.”
“Don’t tell my parents.” I whispered hot tears burning in my eyes. “And it wasn’t Kieran.”
“I won’t. What’s wrong?” He said sitting down.
“Uh…nothing.”
“Ari?”
“Fine. There’s this guy…and well he makes me do things in return for stuff.”
“Oh?”
“Mhm.” I nodded. “And I don’t want to do it.”
“Well then tell someone.”
“You don’t know this guy.” He sighed leaving.
“I won’t tell, but I really think you should.” I finished my homework and went down. My grandparents were talking quietly. I didn’t like old people. I thought it was weird how even though I was adopted, Liam was my biological grandfather. Daddy had adopted them as his parents after my dad died since his parents died a short time before Kyler. Liam smiled at me.
“Hey Ari.” I smiled and hugged him.
“Hey Grampa.”
“I hear you got detention.”
“Uh…yeah. Some kid said I said something that I didn’t say.”
“Oh. Well that’s not very nice.”
“Nope.”
“Aw, Ari come give Will a big hug.” I smiled and hugged him too. “He looks so much like Kyler doesn’t he, Zakky?”
“Yeah.” Daddy said smiling. Liam squeezed Daddy in a said hug.
“Ari!” Papa said. I gave him a quick hug. Then Gramma.
“How have you been baby?”
“I’ve been okay.”
“Sweetie aren’t you hot? It’s so warm in here.” She said.
“I’m okay really. Actually cold.” She put here hand to my forehead.
“You feel like you don’t have a fever.”
“Mom, he’s fine.” Dad said. He led me to the living room where I had to say hi to Tera, Marco, and their kids Mario and Paulo. Then Billy, Sarah and their kids Jamie and Erika. I’d already said hi to Dylan and didn’t see the point in talking to him again. Dylan and Jamie were identical twins. Erika was their older sister and was twenty five. Her boyfriend, Matty was there too. Erika was pregnant.
“Matty, I want to lie down okay?” She asked.
“Sure.” I looked at Jamie who was rolling his eyes. He and Dylan were so different for identical twins. Dylan was a jock and Jamie was scene. Jamie was my favorite cousin ever. He was so easy to talk to. I sat next to him as he went on about how it was so disgusting how Matty and Erika were. They were always all over each other and when Erika found out she was pregnant, she yelled at their parents that it was all their fault.
“They weren’t the ones banging every chance they got.” Jamie finished as Erika started crying from somewhere in the house.
“She’s in labor! Her water broke!” Matty said as he helped her out of the house. Emily got a grossed out look on her face.
“If she did that in my room, I will fucking kill her.” I laughed.
“Slut!” Jamie coughed as Erika passed.
“Shut up!” She said.
“Truth hurts don’t it sis?” He smirked.
“Jamie.” Dylan said.
“What?”
“You know what.”
“No I’m serious.”