Note to Self

Zakky’s POV
I laid on the couch resting my head on Eddie’s chest. Eddie was asleep and I was listening to his steady breathing. A steady stream of rock music filled the air softly penetrating the silence. I don’t know what had woken me. I laid there not wanting to leave his warm, soft body. I loved him so much it hurt. I don’t know what it was about Eddie that made me feel as though if I wasn’t with him I couldn’t exist. I snuggled into his chest. I thought about our lives. He knew everyone of my secrets.
Flashback:
“Eddie?” I whispered looking at him from where I sat on my bed. I couldn’t stand it anymore. He had to know.
“Yeah?” He looked over at me, his soft blue eyes shown with happiness and that soft, beautiful smile spread across his face.
“Uh…I have to tell you something.”
“What?” He set down his book and looked at me. I looked down the bed letting the tears slip out of my eyes. What if he hated me? What if I could never be his friend again? What if he never talked to me again? I knew we could never be together. He was eleven. I was thirteen. He was straight, I was gay. How could it ever work? This wasn’t like telling Kyler who I knew accepted me for everything or Tera who I could trust no matter what it was. And yet it wasn’t like telling my parents. Eddie sat on my bed and placed a hand on my leg, causing a problem to arise. I quickly pulled my pillow in my lap.
“What’s wrong Zakky?”
“Eddie, I’m gay. Please don’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you Zakky. You’re my best friend.”
“That’s not all. Eddie, I’m in love with you.” He stood up quickly.
“Uh…okay. Um, hey Zakky, I kinda have to be at home. Um, well see ya later.” I watched him go. I sobbed into my pillow.
End of Flashback
It took a year for us to really be friends again. I sighed. Back then I would never have guessed that he’d be my husband. That I’d really be with him. I smiled to myself.
“Hey there baby.” Eddie said kissing me. “What are you smiling about?”
“Just thinking about how lucky I am to have you.”
“Aw.” He kissed me again. I knew what it was. I was completely in love with him. I knew that I could never ever have made it through Kyler’s suicide attempts and death without him. I would have killed myself. If I didn’t have Eddie, I had no reason to be alive.
“Daddy?” Emily said coming into the room with some new boyfriend that I didn’t really like. He wasn’t very nice to us or Ari.
“What?” I asked sliding my hand into Eddie’s.
“Can I go out with Sam tonight?”
“Where?” Eddie asked.
“Uh the movies.” Emily rolled her eyes.
“What movie?”
“I don’t know. God Dad what’s with the third degree.”
“Then no.” Eddie smiled.
“This is so unfair. You’re not even really my dad and I wasn’t asking you. I’m going whether you like it or not.” Eddie stood up.
“No you’re not.” He said.
“Fuck you…Let’s go.” She took Sam’s hand.
“Emily, you’re not going to have sex.” Eddie said. She’d been like that for awhile and it killed him. I didn’t really care. Me and Eddie had been having sex since I was sixteen and he was fourteen. He didn’t like for our kids to be doing someone.
“You know what? I will do what ever the fuck I want.” She hissed and left. Eddie looked at me coolly.
“Thanks for the backup.” You could have frozen hell with those words.
“Sorry.” I muttered. “But Eddie, she’s seventeen. She can do what she wants.”
“No. Her and Ari shouldn’t be having sex. Ari’s fine with it. Why shouldn’t she?”
“Because Ari does what you say. He doesn’t know how to rebel if his life depended on it.”
“Zakky…sex for us…well Zakky it made us whores. We did it everywhere. School, your car, my car, your house, my house, random places in public. Remember the times when you had to call Tera to bail us out?” I laughed at the memories.
“Yeah, but Emily is going to rebel. She’s not a little girl anymore. She’s a young woman. Soon she’s going to graduate and leave and get married and have kids of her own.” Eddie shook his head.
“Zakky, we adopted them when I was their age. We weren’t ready for that, but what do you know about how hard it was? You were at med school.” I bit my lip trying not to cry.
“Sorry.” I whispered as the tears spilled from my eyes.
“Oh, Zakky, it’s okay honey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” I put my head on his shoulder.
“Eddie…I just, I don’t know.”
“Zakky, baby, hush.” He cooed in my ear. I’d been randomly breaking down and hadn't been up to confrontation since I was nineteen. Any little thing set me into a random crying session where Eddie would try to calm me down.

Eddie’s POV
I hugged him and whispered in his ear. He’d been so sensitive. I hated how he was never the same. He wasn’t the same Zakky. Every since Kyler died he’d been like this. He was so easy to set off. He would cry and sometimes he would yell. He did it when we were younger. A bad day at school or a confrontation with his parents, but not about something I said. But he’d never cry. We’d just do it…I miss that. After Kyler died, i was so worn out from sex that I got to the point from hiding from Zakky.
Flashback:
“Well you know what? Fuck you!” I heard Zakky yell at his parents. He came into the room crying. He locked the door.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m fine.” He smiled pulling his shirt off and kissing me. He backed me to the bed and I fell back without breaking the kiss. He pulled my shirt off and I stopped him.
“Zakky, you really shouldn’t solve your issues by doing this.”
“Shut up.” Zakky said kissing me.
“Zakky, what happened?” I asked pulling away from him.
“Does that really matter?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
“Just shut up and fuck me or you will never know. I’d do you at the moment, but I’m just too mad and I would end up hurting you.” He said sniffling and wiping his eyes. I sighed and kissed him back. I unbuttoned his pants and slid them down slowly. He moaned into the kiss. I took my clothes off without breaking our kiss. I fucked him and we laid there catching our breath.
“Now what’s up?” I asked stroking his soft dark hair.
“My parents hate me Eddie.”
"No they don’t.” I said.
“Yeah they do. They hate that they have a faggot for a son. They hate it. There’s something wrong with me Eddie. I love you and that’s wrong. I hate loving you. I hate it.” He was sobbing. “I miss Kyler. When he’s around or I’m around him, he makes everything better. I’m not just a faggot to him. I’m his brother. I can’t do anything wrong in his eyes.” I kissed him.
“There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong about love. You made me see that.”
“But…”
“Shhh. Honey, I’m sorry to fuck and go, but I really have stuff to do. I have to go to my lesson today or my parents will fucking kill me.” Zakky nodded and slowly pulled his clothes on. I kissed him and went on my way.
“Bye Mrs. Carson.” I waved as I passed her.
“Eddie?”
“Yeah?”
“What happened?”
“Uh…”
“You’re having sex aren’t you?”
“Yeah…” I couldn’t lie to his parents.
“Honey, we don’t care that you’re his boyfriend. We care that he’s going against our wishes. We love you. Just so you know, we don’t blame you for this and we don’t talk to your parents about this. We would never want them to hurt as much as we do.” She hugged me and I left.
End of Flashback
The next day, Zakky was so depressed we did it in his car, behind the bleachers, and in the locker room. Zakky was on the swim team, so we had connections. He also ran track. He was a jock, but gay, very sweet, punk and caring. He never hung out with the jocks. Ever. Zakky was now asleep in our bed. I got up and went to the kitchen. Ari was watching some rock video. He was such a great kid. Perfect. I went over and kissed the top of his head giving him a hug.
“Thanks for the whole chastity thing. I know you’re far from a virgin, but it helps a lot knowing that you’re not gonna get hurt.”
“I don’t like getting hurt.” He said hoarsely. Making out was doing a toll on his tonsils. I went to the kitchen and made him some hot tea and a throat lozenge.
“Here you go hon.” He smiled and took it.
“Thanks Dad.” He hugged me. Why couldn’t Emily be more like her brother? They were twins, right? I went back to the kitchen and started making a pizza.
An hour later, Zakky emerged from our bedroom with wrinkled lounge pants and random black shirt that he got from Kyler’s old clothes. His eyeliner was smeared from his crying and partially from sleeping. His hair was so messy, sex hair. He was so fucking sexy. I smiled at him.
“How was your nap?”
“Um…okay.” He said quietly sitting down playing with the ends of his sleeves. I sat in his lap and played with his hair.
“God Zakky, you’re so fucking irresistible.” I said kissing him. Zakky looked at me.
“How can you say that?”
“Don’t start this again.” I said beginning to get annoyed. I got up as Ari came in the room and got a plate of pizza for the three of us. I placed them all in front of the owners. Ari happily wolfed his down. I was done with my first piece when I noticed Zakky playing with his. No…I thought to myself. How the hell could he do this? Again? How many times had I gone through this? Too many. Once was enough, but this would be the tenth relapse. I wasn’t about to let that happen. I couldn’t go through that. So far Emily and Ari hadn't known about the three in the past ten years. He was like this when they were babies. I hated it.
“Zakkary, eat.” I said. Zakky stared at me.
“What?”
“Eat.” Ari was staring at us while eating a piece of pizza. The boy could fool me. He seemed like a straight slob. I took my mind off of my son and back on my husband. He shrugged.
“I don’t feel well Eddie.”
“Can I have your pizza Daddy?” Ari asked. Zakky pushed the plate towards him. I grabbed it.
“Come on Dad!” Ari whined.
“There’s more on the stove.” I said not taking my eyes off of him.
“But…”
“Go on. Zakky, our room, now.” I picked up the plate and went to our room. Zakky came in the room hugging himself. He and Kyler had the same habit.
“What?” He asked not meeting my eyes.
“Don’t you fucking go anorexic.” I said.

Zakky’s POV
I wanted to shrivel up and die. I knew this was hurting him. I knew that every time I hurt him. I couldn’t help it though. It’s not my fault that things were so fucked when I was a kid. I was anorexic when I was thirteen because of Eddie and it relapsed so many times. I knew that it was coming again. “Zakkary, please eat this. For me? I love you too much to lose you.” I looked at him. His green eyes burned into mine, begging. I slowly took the plate.
“Eddie, baby…I really don’t feel good.” I feel so sick. I couldn’t.
“Eat. I know it will make you feel better.” I bit my lip. “Zak, I put it this way, eat or no sex. That’s the way you deal with your problems.” I stared at him.
“Fine.” I muttered taking a bite. I managed to eat it. God it sucked. “Happy?” I whispered.
“Yeah. Thank you.” He kissed me and went to the kitchen. I locked the door. I ran to the bathroom and locked that too. I emptied the pizza and laid on my bed when Eddie came back smiling.
“Hey sexy baby.” He said laying on the bed. “How are you?”
“I’ve been better. Everything just aches.” I said. He straddled me.
“Roll over.”
“Why? And how can I? What are you planning on doing?”
“Girl, hush.” Eddie said climbing off and sitting next to me. “I’m your husband. I love you and I say roll over and take your shirt off.” I complied as Eddie went to the bathroom. I laid there thinking. My thoughts were never good. They weren’t ever turned into creative art like some people’s were. Mine were suppressed in my mind, hidden from the world’s eyes. Eddie came back with a bottle.
“What’s that?”
“Massage oil or lotion or some shit like that.”
“So you give massages now?”
“Uh…yeah. That is what I went to massage therapy classes for. Besides, everyone knows you’re a girl. My girl.” He leaned down and kissed me. I smiled before he straddle me again. He made a trail of kisses down the crease of my back causing me to shudder. I felt a cool touch as his hands touched me. I closed my eyes allowing myself to try to enjoy the way his hands helped my stressed muscles relax. I had a lot of stress in my muscles do to the depression I’d been in since I was thirteen. Eddie probably being a big factor in that and my eating disorder, but I loved him and he didn’t mean it. He was just a little kid. It bugged me how nobody really knew me. I hid my depression as well as the antidepressants. Of course they didn’t work. They never worked. I knew that. That’s why I hated prescribing them to my patients.
Everyone knew that Kyler was a depressed, suicidal kid, yet no one ever suspected happy little Zakky to ever be depressed. Never thought that maybe I put on an act. That I was secretly anorexic with a combination of bulimia. Never even thought about the fact that I was just as depressed and suicidal as my little brother. The thing was, I was. I tried so many time to kill myself, but never could bring myself to swallow the pills or touch a gun or razor. Everyone knew that I could easily acquire one. My brother cut a lot. I mean A LOT! I just couldn’t. Things would go through my head. Things that told me it wouldn’t solve anything. How could I be happy if I was dead? I wouldn’t have emotion would I? And nobody really knew what happened after you died. Maybe it was different for everyone. I fell asleep with the thoughts running through my head.

Eddie’s POV
I smiled and covered my sleeping husband and went to get our laundry. I folded it while watching Montel on TV. You’d think the guy would have been dead by now, but he was alive and kicking. I sighed and took the basket of clothes to our room. This was usually things that Zakky did. He had closed the practice and resigned due to personal things that not even I was aware. I opened his drawer and found a bottle. I looked over at Zakky and then at the bottle. It was prescribed to Zakky by himself. Zoloft. Another read, Prozac. I bit my lip. My baby was on pills. I blinked and put them back in their places. I quickly put our laundry up and left. Ari was sitting on the couch watching some comedy. “Dad?”
“What?”
“Emily’s not home.”
“I know.” I said.
“I wonder where she is.”
“Ari?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you notice something…um…I don’t know…odd about your father?”
“Uh besides the fact that he hides being really depressed pretty well, yet horrible at the same time, no. Oh and the fact that I know he has some fucked up version of an eating disorder. Oh and that he is a sex addict. Ooh and that he is just a tad bit on the gender confused side. But I mean other than that, no. But those things have been there since I can remember.” He went back to watching the show. I went into the bathroom and looked at my reflection. How could my seventeen year old son see something that I had never seen? Something that never entered my mind. He changed after the year we had stopped being friends, but… Was it my fault that my baby was so messed? I picked up the phone and called Ashlie.
“Hello?” Her preppy voice screeched. I could never stand the sound of her or Jena’s voices. They were so fucking stupid!
“Hi, it’s Eddie.”
“Oh hey E.”
“Yeah, um can I talk to you?”
“Sure. You are silly.”
“No…um can you be here in twenty minutes?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“I need to talk about Zakky.”
“Oh?”
“Mhm.”
“Okay.” She hung up and I dialed Jena’s.
“Hey Zak!”
“No, Eddie actually. Can you be here in twenty minutes?”
“Sure.” There was the same click. Did nobody say bye anymore?
Twenty minutes later, I was stuck with two of my least favorite people. I really didn’t like them. They never really liked me. I handed them each a soda. “Uh, honey, what is this about? You know you disturbed me in the middle of my favorite show.” Jena said. I disliked her more than Ashlie. I could stand Ashlie.
“Well…it’s about Zakky.”
“And how you destroyed him? How you changed how he felt about himself?” Jena started. “He’s been different since you left him. I was so mad when you came back into his life.”
“Well excuse me for the fact that I figured things out.” I said rolling my eyes.
“Jen, honestly. Eddie, I don’t blame you for anything. You make him happy and that’s what counts.” I smiled at her.
“But that doesn’t really cut it. I mean he’s depressed. He’s on antidepressants.”
“Eddie you can’t help the way he is. I’ve been working on mental illnesses with Zakky and Jena for years. It’s not anymore your fault than Zakky’s.” Jena glared at me.
“I know that Ashlie, but why didn’t I see it?”
“Zakky is very passive-aggressive. You know that.” Ashlie took my hand. I started liking her from the minute she opened her mouth.
“But I think that it was very wrong of you not to know that your husband is like this.” Jena said.
“Well that’s very great advice coming from a woman that’s been married five times and is the worst mother since Janie Damian!” I yelled.
“Stop yelling.” Ashlie said taking my wrist.
“No! You guys have never liked me because Zakky was closer to me. Because Zakky loves me. Because you lost your best friend. Because you both liked him, but he was gay. You hate me because I wasn’t popular. You hate me because I never wanted to do anything in life.”
“What are you guys yelling about?” Zakky said. I turned around and Zakky was leaning against the wall.
“Uh, nothing.” I lied sitting down next to Ashlie.
“He knows Zak.” Jena whispered. “He wants to divorce you. He hates you. He says he could never ever love a guy with so many problems.” Jena was hugging him. “He’s even cheating on you…with that girl at the restaurant that he used to work at. I think her name is Ciera. I told him that I would tell. That’s why he’s yelling at me.
“No! Zakky, she’s lying.” Zakky looked at me.
“Zakky have I ever lied to you?” Jena said. He looked at her, then at me.
“She’s lying to you now.” I said. “Ashlie tell him.” She looked from Jena to Zakky to me biting her lip. “Ash?” I whispered. “Please?”
“Ashlie?” Zakky said.
“I have to go.” She left and Jena smirked.
“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.” Jena said. “And I really should be getting back to my kids.” I looked at Zakky. He stared at a picture from the wedding. We were Frenching while Kyler stood next to Zakky.
“She really is lying.” I said taking his hands. “Look at me. Say something.” I met my eyes for a second then shook his head.
“Better not be true Eddie.” He whispered and went to sit on the couch.

Ari’s POV
I was playing my guitar when I heard Dad yelling about how Jena and Ashlie hated him for stupid childish reasons. I stopped and listened. I heard the conversation about some affair. I was shocked. That wasn’t true. I knew for a fact. He was always home. Always. I opened my door when I heard the front door open and Emily snuck in.
“Where were you?” Daddy asked.
“I told you guys.” She went to the bathroom immediately.
“Daddy, you know that Jena was lying right?”
“You know how much I want to believe it.”
“You trust him right? And you love him?”
“Yeah. More than anything.”
“Then why would you believe your friend over your husband? The love of your life? I don’t know much about love, but I do know about trust. I’ve found that you should trust the people you trust most over others. Dad never lies to you. I know.” He smiled at me.
“Thanks. Ari, you should be getting to bed.”
“Please don’t make me be a product of a broken home.”
“I won’t.” I smiled and went to sleep.

Zakky’s POV
I was at Kyler’s grave. “Ky, are you here?”
“Yeah.” He said appearing sitting on the headstone.
“Kyler…I don’t know what to do?”
“Trust him. He’s not doing anything.”
“How do you know?”
“The same way I know that you’re depressed and have an eating disorder. You’re my brother.” He slipped off the headstone and walked around a bit.
“But Ky…”
“Trusting Eddie over some prep is the obvious thing. I know someone who’d be willing to kick her ass. You want it?”
“No.” I laughed.
“Trust me okay? Eddie’s right. Jena’s wrong.”
“Okay.” I whispered toward where he had once been standing. He disappeared and I heard his voice.
“I have business to attend to.”