Note to Self
Ch 5
A Month Later
Ari's POV
I stared at the CD in my hands. Black Widow: Life in the Shadows. Reese came into my room. "What's up?"
"Did you get this?" I asked tossing the CD over to him.
"Yeah."
"Can you believe that we're signed to Shadow Records?"
"Not really." He shrugged. "It's not like it's going to change anything." He sat on my bed handing it back. Reggie was sitting on the floor in a bean bag.
"I agree with Reese. What is our CD being sold in Hot Topic and Spencer's and the internet going to do for us?"
"We could get rich and famous. We could save kid's lives. We could start a fund for handicap artists. We could promote acceptance."
"Lifestyle of the rich and the famous. They're always complaining." Reggie smiled.
"That song is so fucking old." Reese said.
"Yeah, but it's still good." I stared at the CD. This was the only thing in my life that made me happy. The only thing I was proud of.
"What do you think's going to change?" Reese asked.
"Um, we are going on tour." I said.
"What?"
"Yeah. Sean said that. Did you not hear him?"
"No I was too busy thinking about how pointless it is to put out a CD. I threw mine away."
"Me too. Why are you psyched about this?" Reggie asked.
"I'm not." I said putting the CD in my trash bin. I looked down and wanted to cry. My one accomplishment. I threw it away.
"Yeah you are." Reese said carefully putting the CD with my other CD's.
"No."
"Ari, if you're happy about it, then don't be ashamed. I just don't get the point. You know how pointless it is to put out a CD that no one will ever buy?"
"We're on the radio." I said exaggerating the word radio.
"Yeah like two underground stations. We have been."
"So kids will buy the CD." I said.
"Can you please explain to me how this means so much to you?"
"Um, well I've never done anything right. I am so screwed up. I can't think. I can't speak. I can't concentrate. This made me have something I did right and even if we only sell three CD's I'm happy."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Well then it's great." I nodded.
"Can we listen to it?" Reese asked. I smiled and nodded.
How's it feel to be alone
In a world that's dark and cold
You never care what's going on
You hear the words but the meaning is gone.
Do you feel that you're different
From this world in darkness?
Life in the shadows…
Life in the shadows…
The song was fast and aggressive. I was shocked that it was actually me. I could actually speak without a problem.
And you never know what's going on
You think that you're the only one
Who doesn't get the way things are
But are you really alone?
Do you feel that you're different
From this world in darkness?
Life in the shadows…
Life in the shadows…
You see them laughing
But you're confused
You see their lips moving
And all sound is lost
Because you never know what's going on
How can you know when you can't understand
When you live in the shadows,
Life is slow.
Do you feel that you're different
From this world in darkness?
Life in the shadows…
Life in the shadows…
Do you feel that you're different
From this world in darkness?
Life in the shadows…
Life in the shadows…
"Dude that was so awesome." Reggie breathed.
"Thanks." I smiled.
"I never really heard what we sounded like before.
"Yeah, it's weird."
"Ari!" Dad called. I sighed.
"Hold on okay?" I went and found him. The light reflecting off his dark hair made it appear a lighter color that reminded me of chocolate. "Hm?"
"Congrats on the album." He said hugging me.
"Thanks." I smiled. "Sean wants us on tour in a few months. Only for Warped Tour because of school and everything. We might even get private tutors he puts us on Taste of Chaos and Nintendo Fusion."
"Those are some big tours."
"Mhm, and FFTL want us to open for them." I beamed. I loved them. They were so awesome.
"Really?" He had a faint smile on his lips.
"Yeah."
"You know they played at your father's funeral. Travis, Matt, Manning and Derek." He nodded. "He always wanted it to be that way." I found it odd that J.D. and my dad were huge fans of the band. Most people that were their age thought they were some dumb washed up band. Not J.D. and Zakky or Addie and Sean for that matter.
"That's cool." I chewed on my nail. "Do you think it's a good idea?"
"What? Going on tour?" I nodded. "Yeah."
"It's just Reese and Reggie don't. I don't know what Billy's opinion is. He didn't want to be in the band anyway."
"Ask them. I'm sure it'll be fine. The pizza will be here soon." I nodded. The doorbell rang and I answered it. It was Billy. He smiled at me.
"Hey." He said hugging me. "How are you doing?"
"I'm good."
"That's good." He said stepping in. "Gosh it's so cool that your dads are letting you have an album release party."
"Zakky's used to 'em since my dad had them all the time."
"But not for his own band." I nodded.
"You spending the night?"
"Emily gonna be here?"
"Nope." She was going to Julie's house for the night.
"Yeah."
"Would it have made a difference?"
"Yeah. I would have said hell yeah if she had been." I smiled and led him to my room.
"Billy!" Reggie said throwing paper at him.
"What's up?" Billy asked chunking the paper back. I sat down next to Reese.
Darken my eyes
To a shade of black
Silence my world
To a noise of nothing
Silence is louder
Louder than an explosion
Confusion hurts more
More than you think
I leaned against Reese and rested my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes. "Hey Ari?" Reggie asked staring at me.
"What?"
"You do know that Reese is like, straight right?"
"Yeah." I said sitting up.
"You're all over him."
"Shut up Reggie." Reese said.
"But dude, he could like molest you." Reggie joked.
"I'm not gay." I said.
"Yeah and so are your faggot daddies." Billy said. I looked at Reese. He just chewed on his gum. I'd been friends with Reese since daycare and Reggie since second grade. I'd been friends with Billy for the two years he'd been dating my sister. Reggie looked at the floor.
"You know what?" Reese said finally.
"What?" Billy asked.
"Are you?" Reese asked.
"Am I what?"
"Straight?" I looked at my sheets. Was I? Was I anything? "Well?" Reese asked meeting my eyes.
"I guess."
"You guess?"
"I don't know."
"How can you not know?" Reggie asked.
"Because he doesn't want to admit that he's a faggot that's gonna touch us in our sleep." Billy answered smugly.
"You know nobody's making you stay." Reese pointed out. "Face it. You don't even like Ari. You just have to say you do or there's no way Emma would date you. You know how she is."
"Maybe Emma's just too sexy to say no to." I sat there not really getting what was being said. I knew what Reese and I were talking about, but what Billy said didn't make sense. Why were Reggie and Reese acting so defensive? Was it something bad?
"Whatever. Ari, just answer the question." Reese said softly.
"I said I guess."
"That's not an answer."
"Well I don't know. I don't even know if I like anyone."
"It's okay." Reese said.
"Aw, dude that's not cool. He likes boys. That's the way he was raised. We aren't gonna stay at any gay guy's party." Billy said standing up.
"You know something?" Reese asked.
"What?" Billy glared. All of a sudden Reese and I were in a full blown make out session. Reggie smiled and got into it too. Reese, Reggie and I took turns making out. Billy shook his head.
"Want in on the fun of straight guys making out with straight guys?" Reggie asked, his dark hair falling into his blue eyes that were brought out by his tan complexion. Billy sighed.
"Move, I call Reggie." We started laughing then started up again. We continued until Dad came in to tell us the pizza was here.
Zakky's POV
I saw my son laying under his best friend. All the boys were in heavily heated makeout sessions. "Uh, pizza's here." I said. I went and sat on the couch, watching the four boys get pizza. Eddie
came home and got a plate and put pizza on it for us both.
"Hey babe." He smiled kissing me. "Pizza?"
"How'd you know I hadn't eaten?" I asked taking a slice.
"Please. How many times in the past seventeen years have we not eaten diner together?"
"Never." I said taking a bite. We ate in silence until Eddie brushed my hair back.
"What's going on?"
"I'm confused Eddie."
"We've had this conversation before. Remember? You told me you were gay when you were thirteen and I was eleven. Then two years later I realized I was gay and our whole relationship started?"
"I'm not talking about that."
"What then?'
"Ari was making out with Reese."
"Oh?"
"But then he told me he was straight."
"Mhm." Eddie nodded.
"Well straight boys…" I was cut off by Eddie slipping his tongue into my mouth.
Ari's POV
I told my dad like twenty times at least that I was straight since he walked in on that. He's confused. I took another slice of pizza and nibbled on it.
"Dude, Ari, why are your dads gonna get busy on the couch?" Reggie asked.
"Uh, Eddie looks really horny." Reese said.
"What?" I looked over at the couch. "Dads, come on. Get a room." Eddie looked at me grinning. Zakky was giggling because Eddie was tickling him.
"Well hm…I think he has an idea!" Eddie said pulling Zakky behind him. "Are you up for…" He whispered the rest in Zakky ear. Zakky eyes got wide.
"Eddie…" Dad said in scared tone.
"I promise I won't hurt you." Zakky nibbled on his lip and let himself be pulled to their room.
"I don't think he wants it." Reese said in a sing-song voice.
"Which one's the girl?" Billy asked.
"What?"
"Which one is like your mom. In your eyes anyway."
"Uh, Zakky I guess."
"So Eddie dominates in sex."
"What? I don't know."
"Well who gets fucked?"
"I don't know."
"It's Zakky." Emily said coming in the kitchen with Julie.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Uh, I live here remember?"
"But…"
"Julie's mom brought us over so I could get some things."
"Oh."
"I'll escort you, malady." Billy said in a creepy seductive way. I sat back and finished eating.
Eddie's POV
"Eddie, ow, oh wow!" Zakky cried.
"Am I really hurting you?" I asked.
"Uh, yeah, but keep going." He said, his breathing really heavy. I continued and Zakky kept making sounds of mixed agony and pleasure.
Zakky's POV
I was in the most pain I'd ever been in, but I wasn't gonna tell that to Eddie. He'd been so into This forever…
Eddie's POV
I finished and smiled at my husband. His cheeks were stained with tears, but he was smiling. "Are you okay?" I whispered.
"Yeah." He whispered back.
"You sure?"
"Mhm. I'll just be sore for a while is all." I nodded and kissed him. "I promise I won't do that again. If you don't like it, I won't do it."
"Thanks." He said kissing me.
"You seem a lot happier the past few weeks."
"I know."
"I like it. I love it when your like this. Your normal self."
"I know. It's nicer."
"What made you change your mind?"
"J.D. He showed me these text messages. I'd gotten some from him too, but I always deleted them. I thought someone had gotten the number and was just messing with me. But now I know it's real."
"What?"
"Kyler's sending me messages."
"Do you know how crazy that sounds?"
"Do you know how much I thought that? It's real Eddie. I asked something only Kyler would know. He answered with the right answer."
"And what'd you ask him?"
"What it was like the night you took my virginity. What I told him. He sent it back. Only you and Ky knew that. Only you two." I nodded trying to wrap my head around it.
"I'm glad. I love you Zakkary."
"I love you too." With those words we fell asleep.
Ari's POV
I stared at the CD in my hands. Black Widow: Life in the Shadows. Reese came into my room. "What's up?"
"Did you get this?" I asked tossing the CD over to him.
"Yeah."
"Can you believe that we're signed to Shadow Records?"
"Not really." He shrugged. "It's not like it's going to change anything." He sat on my bed handing it back. Reggie was sitting on the floor in a bean bag.
"I agree with Reese. What is our CD being sold in Hot Topic and Spencer's and the internet going to do for us?"
"We could get rich and famous. We could save kid's lives. We could start a fund for handicap artists. We could promote acceptance."
"Lifestyle of the rich and the famous. They're always complaining." Reggie smiled.
"That song is so fucking old." Reese said.
"Yeah, but it's still good." I stared at the CD. This was the only thing in my life that made me happy. The only thing I was proud of.
"What do you think's going to change?" Reese asked.
"Um, we are going on tour." I said.
"What?"
"Yeah. Sean said that. Did you not hear him?"
"No I was too busy thinking about how pointless it is to put out a CD. I threw mine away."
"Me too. Why are you psyched about this?" Reggie asked.
"I'm not." I said putting the CD in my trash bin. I looked down and wanted to cry. My one accomplishment. I threw it away.
"Yeah you are." Reese said carefully putting the CD with my other CD's.
"No."
"Ari, if you're happy about it, then don't be ashamed. I just don't get the point. You know how pointless it is to put out a CD that no one will ever buy?"
"We're on the radio." I said exaggerating the word radio.
"Yeah like two underground stations. We have been."
"So kids will buy the CD." I said.
"Can you please explain to me how this means so much to you?"
"Um, well I've never done anything right. I am so screwed up. I can't think. I can't speak. I can't concentrate. This made me have something I did right and even if we only sell three CD's I'm happy."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Well then it's great." I nodded.
"Can we listen to it?" Reese asked. I smiled and nodded.
How's it feel to be alone
In a world that's dark and cold
You never care what's going on
You hear the words but the meaning is gone.
Do you feel that you're different
From this world in darkness?
Life in the shadows…
Life in the shadows…
The song was fast and aggressive. I was shocked that it was actually me. I could actually speak without a problem.
And you never know what's going on
You think that you're the only one
Who doesn't get the way things are
But are you really alone?
Do you feel that you're different
From this world in darkness?
Life in the shadows…
Life in the shadows…
You see them laughing
But you're confused
You see their lips moving
And all sound is lost
Because you never know what's going on
How can you know when you can't understand
When you live in the shadows,
Life is slow.
Do you feel that you're different
From this world in darkness?
Life in the shadows…
Life in the shadows…
Do you feel that you're different
From this world in darkness?
Life in the shadows…
Life in the shadows…
"Dude that was so awesome." Reggie breathed.
"Thanks." I smiled.
"I never really heard what we sounded like before.
"Yeah, it's weird."
"Ari!" Dad called. I sighed.
"Hold on okay?" I went and found him. The light reflecting off his dark hair made it appear a lighter color that reminded me of chocolate. "Hm?"
"Congrats on the album." He said hugging me.
"Thanks." I smiled. "Sean wants us on tour in a few months. Only for Warped Tour because of school and everything. We might even get private tutors he puts us on Taste of Chaos and Nintendo Fusion."
"Those are some big tours."
"Mhm, and FFTL want us to open for them." I beamed. I loved them. They were so awesome.
"Really?" He had a faint smile on his lips.
"Yeah."
"You know they played at your father's funeral. Travis, Matt, Manning and Derek." He nodded. "He always wanted it to be that way." I found it odd that J.D. and my dad were huge fans of the band. Most people that were their age thought they were some dumb washed up band. Not J.D. and Zakky or Addie and Sean for that matter.
"That's cool." I chewed on my nail. "Do you think it's a good idea?"
"What? Going on tour?" I nodded. "Yeah."
"It's just Reese and Reggie don't. I don't know what Billy's opinion is. He didn't want to be in the band anyway."
"Ask them. I'm sure it'll be fine. The pizza will be here soon." I nodded. The doorbell rang and I answered it. It was Billy. He smiled at me.
"Hey." He said hugging me. "How are you doing?"
"I'm good."
"That's good." He said stepping in. "Gosh it's so cool that your dads are letting you have an album release party."
"Zakky's used to 'em since my dad had them all the time."
"But not for his own band." I nodded.
"You spending the night?"
"Emily gonna be here?"
"Nope." She was going to Julie's house for the night.
"Yeah."
"Would it have made a difference?"
"Yeah. I would have said hell yeah if she had been." I smiled and led him to my room.
"Billy!" Reggie said throwing paper at him.
"What's up?" Billy asked chunking the paper back. I sat down next to Reese.
Darken my eyes
To a shade of black
Silence my world
To a noise of nothing
Silence is louder
Louder than an explosion
Confusion hurts more
More than you think
I leaned against Reese and rested my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes. "Hey Ari?" Reggie asked staring at me.
"What?"
"You do know that Reese is like, straight right?"
"Yeah." I said sitting up.
"You're all over him."
"Shut up Reggie." Reese said.
"But dude, he could like molest you." Reggie joked.
"I'm not gay." I said.
"Yeah and so are your faggot daddies." Billy said. I looked at Reese. He just chewed on his gum. I'd been friends with Reese since daycare and Reggie since second grade. I'd been friends with Billy for the two years he'd been dating my sister. Reggie looked at the floor.
"You know what?" Reese said finally.
"What?" Billy asked.
"Are you?" Reese asked.
"Am I what?"
"Straight?" I looked at my sheets. Was I? Was I anything? "Well?" Reese asked meeting my eyes.
"I guess."
"You guess?"
"I don't know."
"How can you not know?" Reggie asked.
"Because he doesn't want to admit that he's a faggot that's gonna touch us in our sleep." Billy answered smugly.
"You know nobody's making you stay." Reese pointed out. "Face it. You don't even like Ari. You just have to say you do or there's no way Emma would date you. You know how she is."
"Maybe Emma's just too sexy to say no to." I sat there not really getting what was being said. I knew what Reese and I were talking about, but what Billy said didn't make sense. Why were Reggie and Reese acting so defensive? Was it something bad?
"Whatever. Ari, just answer the question." Reese said softly.
"I said I guess."
"That's not an answer."
"Well I don't know. I don't even know if I like anyone."
"It's okay." Reese said.
"Aw, dude that's not cool. He likes boys. That's the way he was raised. We aren't gonna stay at any gay guy's party." Billy said standing up.
"You know something?" Reese asked.
"What?" Billy glared. All of a sudden Reese and I were in a full blown make out session. Reggie smiled and got into it too. Reese, Reggie and I took turns making out. Billy shook his head.
"Want in on the fun of straight guys making out with straight guys?" Reggie asked, his dark hair falling into his blue eyes that were brought out by his tan complexion. Billy sighed.
"Move, I call Reggie." We started laughing then started up again. We continued until Dad came in to tell us the pizza was here.
Zakky's POV
I saw my son laying under his best friend. All the boys were in heavily heated makeout sessions. "Uh, pizza's here." I said. I went and sat on the couch, watching the four boys get pizza. Eddie
came home and got a plate and put pizza on it for us both.
"Hey babe." He smiled kissing me. "Pizza?"
"How'd you know I hadn't eaten?" I asked taking a slice.
"Please. How many times in the past seventeen years have we not eaten diner together?"
"Never." I said taking a bite. We ate in silence until Eddie brushed my hair back.
"What's going on?"
"I'm confused Eddie."
"We've had this conversation before. Remember? You told me you were gay when you were thirteen and I was eleven. Then two years later I realized I was gay and our whole relationship started?"
"I'm not talking about that."
"What then?'
"Ari was making out with Reese."
"Oh?"
"But then he told me he was straight."
"Mhm." Eddie nodded.
"Well straight boys…" I was cut off by Eddie slipping his tongue into my mouth.
Ari's POV
I told my dad like twenty times at least that I was straight since he walked in on that. He's confused. I took another slice of pizza and nibbled on it.
"Dude, Ari, why are your dads gonna get busy on the couch?" Reggie asked.
"Uh, Eddie looks really horny." Reese said.
"What?" I looked over at the couch. "Dads, come on. Get a room." Eddie looked at me grinning. Zakky was giggling because Eddie was tickling him.
"Well hm…I think he has an idea!" Eddie said pulling Zakky behind him. "Are you up for…" He whispered the rest in Zakky ear. Zakky eyes got wide.
"Eddie…" Dad said in scared tone.
"I promise I won't hurt you." Zakky nibbled on his lip and let himself be pulled to their room.
"I don't think he wants it." Reese said in a sing-song voice.
"Which one's the girl?" Billy asked.
"What?"
"Which one is like your mom. In your eyes anyway."
"Uh, Zakky I guess."
"So Eddie dominates in sex."
"What? I don't know."
"Well who gets fucked?"
"I don't know."
"It's Zakky." Emily said coming in the kitchen with Julie.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Uh, I live here remember?"
"But…"
"Julie's mom brought us over so I could get some things."
"Oh."
"I'll escort you, malady." Billy said in a creepy seductive way. I sat back and finished eating.
Eddie's POV
"Eddie, ow, oh wow!" Zakky cried.
"Am I really hurting you?" I asked.
"Uh, yeah, but keep going." He said, his breathing really heavy. I continued and Zakky kept making sounds of mixed agony and pleasure.
Zakky's POV
I was in the most pain I'd ever been in, but I wasn't gonna tell that to Eddie. He'd been so into This forever…
Eddie's POV
I finished and smiled at my husband. His cheeks were stained with tears, but he was smiling. "Are you okay?" I whispered.
"Yeah." He whispered back.
"You sure?"
"Mhm. I'll just be sore for a while is all." I nodded and kissed him. "I promise I won't do that again. If you don't like it, I won't do it."
"Thanks." He said kissing me.
"You seem a lot happier the past few weeks."
"I know."
"I like it. I love it when your like this. Your normal self."
"I know. It's nicer."
"What made you change your mind?"
"J.D. He showed me these text messages. I'd gotten some from him too, but I always deleted them. I thought someone had gotten the number and was just messing with me. But now I know it's real."
"What?"
"Kyler's sending me messages."
"Do you know how crazy that sounds?"
"Do you know how much I thought that? It's real Eddie. I asked something only Kyler would know. He answered with the right answer."
"And what'd you ask him?"
"What it was like the night you took my virginity. What I told him. He sent it back. Only you and Ky knew that. Only you two." I nodded trying to wrap my head around it.
"I'm glad. I love you Zakkary."
"I love you too." With those words we fell asleep.