Note to Self

A Week Later
Eddie's POV
I was cooking a pizza for dinner when Zakky came silently through the door. He went straight to our room without even acknowledging the presence of me or the kids. He had just come from the hearing. I guessed it had turned out badly. I went to our room and he was in bed.
"Zakky, how'd it go?"
"Terrible. Just…horrible."
"What happened?" I said holding my breath. I hadn’t told him I'd been fired.
"They suspended my license for two year. Two years Eddie. I can't do this for two years. No pay. At least you still have your job." He muttered.
"Uh, Zakky…"
"Yeah babe?"
"I got fired when I came home because of Ari. Jim's tired of me." Zakky stared at me blinking rapidly.
"What?"
"I'm sorry. I should have told you."
"Yeah. You should have. Eddie, what are we gonna do?"
"Find jobs." I said.
"What? What could I possibly do? We are responsible for sending three kids to college at the moment. That's two years away."
"We set everything up for the twins."
"I know. I mean thank God their future is set."
"You wanna eat?"
"No. Um I'm gonna go for a little bit okay? I'll be back tonight. Don't wait up if I'm not back by then."
"Where are you going?"
"Out." He kissed me. "I love you Eddie." Then he was gone.
Zakky's POV
I knelt by Kyler's grave. "God, I miss you Ky." I felt a hand on my shoulder I turned around and saw Kyler. It was horrible. The way he looked. He was dressed the way he had been when he slit his wrists. He was pale. His sleeves were soaked in blood. His eyes were shining. He smiled at me. It wasn't fake either. It was real.
"I miss you too Zakky." He said hugging me.
"What? How?"
"I hang out here. It's great."
"I'm glad." I took his hand.
"Can I?"
"Go for it." I slowly pulled up his sleeves. The cuts and scars were there. I'd never seen cuts. I was a psychiatrist and had never seen what it looked like. I quickly covered them.
"You could have been great Ky." I whispered.
"No. No I couldn’t. Zakky, I was never good enough. Never."
"You were good enough to be my brother."
"No I wasn’t."
"Yes you were."
"I loved you."
"I love you too." We were quiet for a while. "Zakky, who are those kids?"
"Ari and Emily."
"I know, but…"
"But what? Eddie and I adopted them at birth. Their mother is Addie."
"Addie?"
"Yeah."
"She was still a whore? I can't believe it…"
"Ky, you're their father." He stared at me.
"But I wanted to…I had to be the best…"
"Kyler, they're great kids."
"And…I'm…dead…." He hugged me and disappeared.
Eddie's POV
Ari sat quietly in his room nibbling on the pizza. I went into his room. "Hey." I said.
"So we're screwed right?" He asked.
"No, no, honey. Everything's going to be fine."
"Daddy left and he's not coming home. Why would he? I mean, basically everything he ever cared about is gone."
"No, because he cares about us. Hon…" I sighed. "Zakky was always a really happy kid. Then his parents died. He was so busy trying to take care of Kyler and make sure he was in the right place. He said there was no way that we could take care of Kyler. We could have and Kyler killing himself like, two weeks later…he blames himself. Zakky is a wonderful guy, but he blames himself. Then like eight months later we went from Zakky saying that we couldn't take care of a fifteen year old to adopting two newborns. And those eight months were filled with planning a funeral, him feeling like he had to take care of me, college and a shit load of other stuff. He never had time to grieve. Never. And if you let things stay in, it just gets worse."
"But he was getting better." I mumbled.
"Yeah, but…Ari, where's Emily?" I said noticing I hadn't seen her since three hours prior.
"She said that she was going to Addie's, oh and Ash is coming over to spend the night still."
"Okay, thanks." The doorbell rang and I ran to answer it. It was Ash. "Hi Ashy."
"Hello Eddie. Where's Zakky? Where's Ari and his new boyfriend?"
"Zakky's out. Ari's in his room and River should be there too."
"Oh, okay." Ash ran to Ari's room and I smiled. They were reconnecting quite well.
Ash's POV
Ari was sitting on his bed reading and eating pizza when I came in. "Hey Ar."
"What's up Ash?" He smiled.
"Nothing. You?"
"Oh, just reading and thinking."
"Where's your boyfriend?"
"I don't know." I said.
"Why?"
"I'm his boyfriend not his babysitter." He smiled.
"I guess. Hey can you play me that one song?"
"Which one song?"
"The one…uh Life in the Shadows." He got up and went to his stereo pushing play. "No, I mean with your guitar, your singing. Not a recording of the band." Ari looked around.
"Ash…"
"I know you don't want it to be gone, but if you don't ever try, it's gonna go anyway." He ran his hand carefully over the guitar neck.
"Don't make fun of me." He said. I nodded. He started the opening cords and then continued through the song, singing softly and beautifully. I watched in awe how his fingers moved effortlessly. He finished and sighed. "God, I suck."
"No, dude that was amazing."
"No it sucked."
"If that sucked, then I don't know what you're smoking." River said coming in the door.
"You heard it?" He asked blushing.
"Yeah and it was amazing." River kissed him softly on the lips. I smiled.
"Yeah right. It sucked. Why are you two lying to me?" I said
"We're not. I mean, you're a little out of practice, but you definitely don't suck." Ash said. River looked at me.
"You're in Black Widow." He said.
"Uh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"I'm part of your online following. I didn't know that you were my shrink's kid. Dude, and Reese and Reggie too. What about Billy?"
"Uh, Billy isn't part of the band anymore. We don't have a drummer."
"I know how to drum." River said.
"Really? Maybe the I could call the guys up. You want to join?"
"Sure. Dude, you guys are like, my favorite band."
"Really? Number one fan?" I asked arching my eyebrow.
"How the hell should I know? Everyone says that they're the number one fan. How can you know?" I shrugged.
"Good point." Ash said. "Hey Ari, um, can I borrow some of your girl jeans?"
"They're just Emma's. I stole them from her. Don't tell okay?"
"Okay."
"Then sure."
"Thanks." River took my hand and pulled me up.
"Let's go for a walk." He said pulling close to him so that our cheeks brushed.
"Okay." I whispered.
"See you later Ash." River said waving pulling me behind him.
"See ya." Ash said going through my closet.
"So you have anywhere really romantic we can go around here?"
"Follow me." I said shyly and ran down the street. River laughed and ran after me. We didn't stop until we got to the river. The water was calm now. I sat on a large rock and pulled him next to me. "Nobody ever comes here. Just me and Emily."
"Did you bring Reese here?"
"Yeah. Reese and I have been coming here for years. Since we were little. It really didn't seem so romantic when we were younger, but I guess when you get older you see the beauty in something like this."
"I guess. I just, I don’t get why my parents won against your dad." River sighed. "I'm sorry if I'm killing the mood, but I can't. They leave me with him. They said that they didn't want me. Then they sue him because he won't put me in a mental institute." I tapped my foot silently.
"I was ten when he got his license." I smiled to myself. He was ecstatic. We went out to eat and then they put us to bed really early. They had a long night."
"Oh…"
"Yeah. He was only a psychiatrist for seven years. Well six and a half. When he opened his own practice…Dad was really into the whole thing. I mean he is a lot I guess. Into our decisions. Now, I don’t know what's gonna happen."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"Yeah it is. If I had just warned Zakky about it. That they were planning on suing him after I told them that he was gay."
"You knew?"
"Yeah. I refused to testify against him. He's a great doctor. The one who got me to where I can keep my head up."
"Let's talk about something more cheerful."
"Like what? What could two emo kids have to talk about that's cheerful."
"Uh, hm…oh wait, no…music?"
"Sure what's your favorite band?"
"From First to Last. Yours?"
"Uh…I told you. It's your band."
"But you're technically a member. Choose another."
"I can keep it homie."
"No you can't. It's lame."
"I don’t really listen to the new stuff. I listen to the stuff that was played when we were little kids."
"So what band?"
"Um, I guess…Hawthorne Heights."
"Oh, My Chem is like the shit."
"Oh, very true. And Red Jumpsuit."
"Mhm." We had a very enthusiastic conversation on music and guys. It was fun.
Zakky's POV
I came home that night and found Eddie watching old Supernatural reruns. "Hey babe." I said hugging him.
"Hey." He smiled. "Where'd you go?"
"Where I usually go when I'm depressed."
"A strip joint and shake it?"
"No." I laughed. "Kyler's grave."
"Oh."
"Well, I talked to him. Saw him. Like Ash did when he was little and Ari when he thought he had a dream. He's there. Always there."
"That's nice." Eddie yawned.
"I told you not to stay up."
"I wasn't."
"Eddie…"
"Fine, but I can't sleep without you."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. Besides, I love this show."
"Still…"
"You wanna go get busy? That always helps."
"Yeah sure."