Just Keep Breathing

I couldn’t sleep that night after James came home drunk. My mind was mixed with a lot of thoughts and I was having a mental battle with myself. Honestly, I don’t know which side of my mind was winning the fight.

A part of me was settled on the fact that I was upset about this. It was like I was convincing myself that I was hurt because he had potentially kissed another girl.

The other side of me, however, was laughing at the fact that I could be upset. This side of me thought it was stupid to be jealous or hurt because he wasn’t mine anyways, and so why should I care.

Of course, there is no being completely on one side or another. I felt like I belonged exactly in the middle; half of me upset and the other half feeling stupid. This wasn’t a foreign emotion, happens a lot actually.

I figured there were two ways I could deal with this. I could either a) talk to him about it, or b) ignore him for a while. Knowing my confronting ability lacked, I figured ignoring him for a bit might be a good idea.

I knew in the back of my mind that my little avoiding plan would not work but I let myself think it would.

I couldn‘t even go a day with avoiding him. I thought I’d be safe running down to the kitchen at three in the morning to get water. I didn’t think that anyone was over at our house let alone sitting in my living room.

I reached the bottom of the stairs and stopped, my eyes widening a bit. It wasn’t just the fact they were sitting in the living room, it was the fact I was wearing very short pajamas shorts and a tank top that was pretty revealing.

Now, I pulled together all the confidence I could and continued walking through the room to the kitchen. Against my will, sort of, I gazed over to the couch as I passed. Oli’s eyes caught on to mine but his face was emotionless.

Once in the kitchen, I found myself staring blankly in the fridge, confused on why I didn’t get in and out of the kitchen as quickly as I wanted. It didn’t take long for footsteps to approach behind me.

“Hey Elle.” He said. I didn’t respond though, I kept my focus on random containers of food in the fridge. He stepped closer and moved to the side of me. “What, ya not goin’ to talk to me?”

He moved his hand and shut the refrigerator door and stepped in front of me, making it impossible to ignore him. I watched him glance down for a second, no doubt looking at my revealing tank top, before he looked back up to me.

I swallowed and raised my eyebrows, replying kind of sarcastically. “Hi Oliver.”

“Aw, what did I do?” He replied, jokingly. I guess my stubbornness to talk didn’t come off as mad as I wanted it to.

“Oh nothing,” I replied, again sarcastically.

He eyed me and the look on his face made it clear that a little light just clicked on inside his head. He sighed and leaned against the fridge. “Since when do you listen to your brother, Isabel.”

A few things about his sentence got me mad. First thing was he used my full name, not my favorite thing. The other was what he said about James. How did he know James had talked to me?

“Care to elaborate?” I questioned, crossing my arms and mimicking his stance.

“Your brother got drunk yesterday night, very drunk.” He started to explain, “And he marched over to me, and started ramblin’ on about how your mum saw us together and he wanted me to back off. Said he saw me kissin’ another girl and doesn’t want me playin’ you.”

“So you were kissing another girl?” I asked quickly, not thinking. I wished I could take it back, the jealousy part of my mind battle just won.

“I won’t lie.” He responded. Ouch, that means yes. “I did, but she’s a close friend. It’s not like we hooked up and shagged.”

Exhaling I looked past him and reopened the fridge, taking a water bottle out and starting to walk away. It wasn’t that easy though, Oli reached out and grabbed my arm, turning me around.

“Elle don’t be mad. C’mon, what’s wrong? It can’t just be this that’s makin’ ya mad.” Oli said, staring me down as if trying to read my mind.

“You’re right.” I replied, “You kissing me and another girl in one day is nothing to be mad at. Sorry if I let my emotions get to me.”

I smirked at him and turned away, letting my face drop once he couldn’t see me anymore. I was pissed at myself as I walked back through the living room and up the stairs. Walking into my bedroom, I hit my head against the wall twice, repeating how stupid I was in my mind.

&&

Nearly thirty minutes had passed since Oli and I spoke in the kitchen. I was currently laying on my bed, aimlessly staring at my door. It’s like my subconscious secretly wanted Oli to come up the stairs and find me.

Of course, I knew he wouldn’t. Not only was he probably at a loss of words, but my brother sitting down there with him was like a safety harness keeping him from going up the stairs.

I just told myself I didn’t care. Repeatedly, I tried convincing myself that I could do so much better and that all of this was just me trying to get out of my shell. So not only did he use me, but I used him.

But I knew that was a complete lie and I couldn’t even convince myself it was true. So while I’m upstairs trying to tell myself why I shouldn’t like him and why I don’t like him, which are all lies, he’s sitting downstairs probably thinking of what girl to chase next.

Unable to stop my endless rant of thoughts, I got up and went into the bathroom, shuffling through one of the drawers before finding a bottle of Tylenol PM. I took out two and swallowed them with water before collapsing in bed, letting the medicine put me to sleep.

Then next day when I woke up, no one was home. I was slightly grateful to know everyone was gone; this gave me enough space to clean the whole house without anyone bothering me. Cleaning was like a total stress reliever for me.

As I cleaned away in the kitchen, I turned on the radio to drown out the silence. Almost immediately I switched it off. The random song playing consisted of repeating lyrics of “I miss you”. That wouldn’t help my mood any.

I plugged my iPod in and set it to shuffle. After playing the first upbeat song I think my iPod was out to get me. Every song it played after that had to do with relationships, lovers, and something generally related to that. I threw a plastic cup into the sink forcefully and turned off my iPod. Silence was better than that.

After tackling the messes in the kitchen, living room, and all the bathrooms, I finally crashed down on the couch. You could tell that I had been cleaning for the last four hours.

My hair was up in a pony tail, which was very uncommon, and I was wearing an old baggy sweatshirt and the same short shorts from the night before. Very fashionable if you ask me.

I started to fall asleep on the couch, drifting off slowly after being tired of cleaning. My eyes snapped open though when I heard the familiar click of the front door being unlock.

It took me about three seconds to register that the door was opening, three more to notice the voices, and about five more to make it half way up the stairs.

“Why the rush, Elle?” It was Curtis’s voice. I wanted to grab the picture frame off the wall and chuck it at him, but most likely he didn’t know my current bitterness against my bother and Oli. “Ya could watch some movies with us, if ya like.”

I turned around softly, trying to regain the grace I lacked while running up the stairs. My eyes focused on Lee, Curtis, my brother, a few random girls and guys, and Oliver. I smiled softly, suddenly self-conscious of my shorts, and replied. “Uhm, maybe. I just got done cleaning, heading up for a shower.”

I didn’t wait for his response. I turned and marched up the rest of the staircase and headed into my room, shutting and locking the door. It wasn’t a maybe, I knew I wasn’t going to head down there again.

After taking a shower, getting dressed, and drying my hair, curiosity got the best in me. I wanted to go downstairs and see what everyone was doing. Actually, that was just my excuse to see if any of those girls were getting commutable with Oli, if you get my drift.

Not that I care anymore really,lies, I’m just curious. Plus, from what I can tell, they’re watching a movie I like,excuses.