Just Keep Breathing

Four days since the incident with the police, four days since seeing Oli, and four days of nonstop anxiety attacks. Between my lack of sleep and eating, I was slowly dissolving into a pathetic wreck. I’d been staying cooped up in my room against what my mother wanted and sleeping for hours on end, trying to sleep through my anxious feelings.

I guess I figured my body was catching up to me. I hadn’t had an attack in a few weeks and now it seemed like I couldn’t wake up without sickly cold chills spreading through me. In the past four days I had gone through half my bottle of medicine, and maybe that wasn’t helping at all.

Oddly enough, the only person I hadn’t disconnected myself from as I panicked away in my room was Tessa. We texted and talked, I of course didn’t invite her over, but at not pushing her away was probably the healthiest choice I had made.

Half way through replying to a text message, James literally kicked in my door - seeing as it was now cracked near the hinges - and walked over to me, throwing my cell phone onto the floor and picking me up. I pounded my fists into his back, tempted to bite him and make him release me, but before I could actually follow through with my plan, I was being tossed into a very cold bath still fully clothed.

“What the fuck?” I screamed, starting to stand up out of the water and attack my brother. He pushed me backwards roughly, my back hitting the tile wall of the bathroom before sliding back into the water. This just made me more angry.

“We’re all sick of you Elle!” He yelled back. I don’t remember the last time I heard his voice like this. “You’re been moping around, acting like a total bitch just because you don’t feel well. Fucking get over your mental disease and act human again.

He turned on his heel and trudged out the door, leaving me to stare blankly, half submerged in the bathtub. Moments later I heard a weird noise out side of the door; most likely him pushing a chair up against the handle, locking me in.

As the chills of the icy water set in, so did my realization of how mad he was. It wasn’t everyday your brother acts that way to you, and honestly, it really hurt to have him react like that to me. Don’t get me wrong, I deserved everything he said, but there was that other half of me that knew I couldn’t control “mental disease,” as he put it.

Slowly I came back to my senses and started to shed my wet clothes. Now naked, I held my breath and pushed my full body under the cold water and staid there, my eyes shut tight under the surface. Nearly a minute went by before I sat up out of the water, letting myself breath again.

In the bath, I did the shower routine and stood up, wrapping a fluffy towel around me and stepping out of the bath. Water drops dripped off my legs and my hair, splashing onto the tile floor like rain. My body was cold and now wide awake. I stepped towards the door, and wiggled the handle, finding it jammed. Loudly, I knocked on it, yelling for James to please let me out.

Five, maybe even ten, minutes went by before someone on the other side of the door moved the chair and walked off down the hall way. I pushed open the door, walking into the hallway and then into my room. In the mirror I looked at my pathetic reflection before turning away, quickly dressing in warm clothes and trudging down the stairs.

My mom looked up from reading on the couch. I collapsed onto the cushions next to her, allowing her to pull me into an awkward hug as I apologized for being difficult. I felt like a little girl crawling into her mothers embrace after she fell, or something.

After a few minutes of awkward apologizes and hugging, I got up off the couch and wandered into the kitchen where my brother was. He looked up, half glaring at me. I struggled to find the niceness inside of me, “I’m sorry James. And thank you, for drowning me back to reality.”

He nodded, chewing on his lip like he wanted to say something. I just hoped something other than an “I told ya so” would come out of his mouth. He replied back with fewer words than I expected. “Well someone had to do it.”

He stood up and walked out of the kitchen, not bothering to say anything else. Slumping against the counter, I exhaled deeply, suddenly mad at him again. There was no winning this battle between us. Finally, after a while of aimlessly standing in the kitchen, I went back up to my room and grabbed my phone, finished the text message that I never got to send.

&&

“Finally you’re letting me get you out of your house. You know how pathetic all your textes sounded, with your endless ‘oh I have to go, I’m going back to bed’. I was starting to get worried.” Tessa said, backing her car out of my driveway and heading off somewhere.

We pulled up to a small coffee shop and got out, talking about random things. We caught up over three cups of coffee and two over sized blueberry muffins. Yum. I guess, according to her, after the party last week, her and Curtis hooked up a bit and have been talking since. I awwwed when she told me that he had asked her on a date, followed by a pang of jealousy once I realized after a month of knowing Oli, we hadn’t really gone out at all.

I smiled, not a fake smile at all, as she talked on about Curtis. I didn’t mind, really I’m not even lying, but her talking made me think more than I wanted to. It wasn’t too long before we were back in the car, heading to my house so she could drop me off.

I got out of the car and gave her a wave, starting to head to my front door. She unrolled her window and yelled out, “You know, me and a group of friends are heading down the to beach tomorrow. I invited Curtis, you should totally come and bring Oli. Your brother might be going too.”

I was going to say okay until she added the last part. Instead, I put my hands into my pockets and shuffled my feet on the ground. “I’m not sure if that’s a great idea. I mean, Oli and me are close and stuff, but my brother-”

She cut me off and rolled her eyes. “You’ve got to live Elle, seriously. You can’t be scared of what your brother thinks. If you do, you’ll let him rule your life and we both know you don’t want that. Think about it and let me know, kay? Make your own choice.”

With that she smiled and rolled up the window as she drove off down the street. She was right on so many levels, but it wasn’t great to know that her and Anna and Oli were all right and I still didn’t want to believe them. I wanted to go though, and Tessa is right, it’s my choice.