Just Keep Breathing

Three days. Three days until Oliver left on tour. Three days until, no doubt, my heart would break. Three days until I would be alone. But ya’know, who’s counting?

I think Oli was feeling the impact that he was leaving too. Not only was he finding every reason to be with me, but he was also being the sweetest he had ever been; like he knew he was going to hurt me, but he wanted to do it as nicely as possible.

For example, yesterday he showed up at my house with my favorite flowers, which happen to be tulips, and a carton of Ben and Jerry’s Karmel Sutra ice cream. We devoured the ice cream while snuggling with each other on the couch.

Right now, I was enjoying the feeling of having him in bed with me. I woke up next to, probably, the most amazing person in my life. In all his tattooed glory, I watched him as he slept next to me, eyeing his inked chest as it rose and fell. His lips were parted slightly and I could hear his light breath. Admittedly, I felt slightly awkward just watching him sleep.

Careful not to wake him, I sat up and straightened out the pajama shirt I was wearing before laying back down in his embrace. Still asleep, he pulled me closer to him. I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck and kissed his throat lightly.

“Ya awake?” I heard him ask, feeling his voice against my lips still on his throat. I nodded and staid silent, burrowing myself deeper into the blankets next to him. He spoke again, his voice obviously tired, “What’s on the agenda today?”

“I’m good with just laying here.” I told him honestly, closing my eyes. He rolled so her was facing me fully and wrapped his other arms around me, pulling me into a hug like position.

“Someone is throwing us a going away party tonight.” Oliver informed me. He didn’t sound to thrilled about it. “Ya comin’ with me?”

“Why would I not?” I replied. Truthfully, I didn’t want to go to a party. It seemed like that was all my life now. Oli, party, then home, and nothing more. I also wanted to spend as much time as I could with Oli, but at this party I knew I would have to share him, not my favorite.

&&

By midnight I found myself drunk and sitting on the front lawn of some random persons house. No Oli, no Tessa, no James, no anyone. I could only faintly hear the noise from inside the house. Leaning back, I let myself lay on the soft, damp grass, now staring up into the sky.

Out of nowhere, I began to cry. I felt frustrated, defeated, completely drained. Something inside of me just said ‘enough, breakdown now.’ So I did. My chest heaved with a small sob and I let go of the cup in my hand so I could cover my face.

“Elle?” I heard his voice, and for the first time in a while, I wished he wasn’t here. I wish he would have staid inside or just dissolved into thin air. “Elle, love, what’s wrong?”

With my hands still over my face, I could only rely on my hearing to tell me how close he was. I heard his footsteps come close and stop next to me. He bent down, dropping onto his knees, and took a hold of my wrists. Pulling my arms from my face, he looked down at me, his face perplexed.

“Elle, tell me what’s wrong.” He said. That wasn’t a question, it was a request. But I couldn’t reply, not just yet. My eyes were still gushing out tears and I was half choking on my sobs.

With his hands still on my wrists, Oli tugged me up towards him, making me sit up. He then sat next to me and pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me in the process. I felt him set his chin on the top of my head, patiently waiting for an answer.

“I don’t want to love you Oli.” I told him, I knew he wouldn’t take it the wrong way, he knew what I meant. “You broke through my wall, you made me learn how to be social and have feelings, you made me love. That that scared the shit out of me. And now, to add to it, you’re going to be leaving making my fears real."

“It’s silly don’t you think? To be scared of losing someone? I guess I’m not really scared so much, it more worrying about being hurt. I don’t want you just gone, out of my life like the snap of fingers, but would that be easier? To just forget it now and tear it off like a band aid?” I rambled, sniffling as I spoke.

“Elle. Elle, please don’t get like this. It’s too close to me leavin’ to have ya fall apart.” Oli spoke, his words soft but concerned. I accidentally hurt him with my words. “I don’t mean to scare ya, I don’t mean to make ya feel for me if you don’t want to. It’s not so easy for me either. And no, I don’t think it’s better to tear it off like a band aid, what are ya gettin’ at?”

I moved one of my hands up to my face and wiped tears from my face. “Do you think we should take a break? Since you’re going on tour do you think that would be better? Don’t get me wrong, I love you. I love being with you, but being away from each other is like a recipe for disaster.”

“No, I don’t want to take a break. Do ya feel we should? This is all up to you Elle, you’ve turned me into a softie. You’re not the only one who was scared of change. After a while, I realized ya had me whipped. There was no goin’ back.” Oli mumbled, his head still resting on mine as he held me.

“I don’t know,” I said softly, more tears pouring from my eyes. I felt so pathetic for crying. “I really just don’t know.”

“So, ‘ow about we discuss this tomorrow? Let’s dry your tears and go ‘ave a good time, and then tomorrow we’ll talk about all of this.” Oli suggest, starting to stand up. He lifted me with him.

Simply, I nodded agreeing and stood in front of Oli. He raised his hands to my face and brushed away my remaining tears before lightly pulling my face to his. He kissed me, pushing his lips onto mine. The kiss was needy; we both needed this kiss, this contact.

Despite my earlier crying, I suddenly felt better. He always made things better, even though he was what was causing the hurt in the first place. I ignored my thoughts and wrapped my arms around him, pulling myself closer.

“Right here,” I mumbled into the kiss as I tried to lower both Oliver and I back onto the grass.

“What?” He asked, allowing me to lay back on the grass, him hovering over me. Our bodies were hidden away from site in the darkest corner of the lawn.

“Have sex with me, right here.” I told him, all seriousness in my voice. He looked down at me, confused. Normally it was Oliver who wanted all the sex. Even before we were together it was always him being the sexual and flirty one. I should have a turn every now and then.

“Right here? Right now?” He asked, as if confirming what I said. It was like he didn’t believe me. I nodded and made him kiss me again, my hands reaching for his belt. He pulled back for a moment, “You don’t even want to make it to the car first?”

“If that would make you feel better.” I told him, stealing a quick kiss before getting up of the ground, pulling Oliver with me. He reattached his lips to mine as we made our way to his car, having just enough time to slip into the backseat before we were all over each other.

&&

It was officially tomorrow and I was dreading today. Though I had successfully made it back into my bed after last night’s car rendezvous, I had to wake up alone.

I pushed myself out of bed and made my way into my bathroom, shedding my clothes as I turned on the shower. I stepped into the warm water and leaned against the wall, suddenly feeling nauseous.

It had been so long since I had an anxiety attack, part of me forgot what it felt like. Quickly, I reached forward and turned the water from warm to cold and let the icy water pelt my skin. It wasn’t long before I was snapping out of my little episode.

I knew that before I faced the rest of today - the night before Oliver left - I would have to take my medicine. There was no doubt in my mind that I would break down.

After finished up my cold shower, I got dressed and walked downstairs. There was no surprise to see my brother sitting in the kitchen with my mom making him waffles. It was a Sunday after all, waffles were a must have on a Sunday.

“Have fun last night?” She asked me with a smile. She thought there had just been a small get together, not a full blow party that included her daughter drinking and having sex in the back of a car.

“Yeah, it was fun.” I replied and sat at the table next to James. He smiled at me, though I could tell he had a headache from the night before.

Lately, our relationship had gotten a bit better. In the beginning, he wanted to kick Oliver’s ass every time he touched me, but now he seemed to put up with it just fine. Half of me believe it was because Oli was leaving soon and wouldn’t be able to get his hands on me.

“So what do you have planned for tonight?” James asked me, knowing full well tonight I was going to see Oli for the last time in what may be three months. I shot him a small glare and didn’t answer, so much for me thinking I wouldn’t get an I told you so.

Tonight would be interesting. I would either leave Oliver’s house as a single lady ‘taking a break’ and wishing I could crawl back to him. Or, I would stay over at his house and spend one last night of bliss with my boyfriend before he left for a few months. Either way, distance was going to kill me.