If You Say Goodbye

I leant against the doorframe and looked outside where Sarah was just staring up at the sky. I hadn’t spoken to her since she left me and I was slightly scared to. She had left me with good reasons. I had screwed up and I didn’t blame her for leaving my sorry ass. But I missed her. You know that saying when they say you don’t miss the water till the well runs dry, well it’s painfully true. I hate the fact that it took losing her for me to realise just how much she meant to me and now it could be too late.

“Just go and talk to her,” my sister nudged me as she stopped by me. “Or at least stop hanging around doorways and staring at her. It’s kind of creepy.”

“Thanks for the support there Lyndsey,” I replied dryly before taking a swig of my now warm beer.

“Any time big bro,” she grinned before her grin fell into a softer smile. “Just go on. What have you got to lose?”

Lyndsey had a point and I knew by the smug smile that suddenly appeared on her face that she had figured that I knew she was right. I didn’t have anything to lose. I’d already lost what I’d be scared of losing. I pushed my bottle into Lyndsey’s hand before pushing myself off the doorframe and taking a deep breath. I stepped out into the garden and slowly walked over to where Sarah was, pushing my hands as deep into my pockets as I possibly could.

I stood beside her and looked up at the sky, staring at the stars as Sarah did. I noticed her glance at me out of the corner of her eye before she went back to looking at the stars. She sighed and chewed at her lip as she looked down to the ground. Her hands were also in her pockets and they seemed to dig further in as she went to turn around and leave.

“I miss you,” I voiced and watched as her steps faltered.

She paused for a moment before shaking her head and walking again. I turned and faced her, watching her retreating figure.

“Every day I wake up and pray that you’ll come home. That you won’t be away for long. That you’ll come back to me and that everything will be okay again,” I called out to her but she carried on walking. “Since you’ve been gone everything’s gone wrong.”

Sarah’s steps faltered again and I watched as she brought up a hand and ran it shakily through her hair. I took a chance and walked over to her, not daring to actually go in front of her just in case she hit me like she did the day she left me. That moment will be forever burned in my memory.

“You said you were clean,” she whimpered as she looked down at the bag in her hands. “You promised me that you were clean. That you weren’t using anymore. How could you have lied to me Adam?”

Sarah’s glittering gaze met mine and I kicked myself as a tear rolled down her cheek. I reached forward to wipe it away but she moved away from me.

“Don’t touch me,” she warned, her voice cracking slightly.

She chewed her lip, something she’d always done in order to calm herself down especially when she was upset. Sarah shook her head and turned on her heel before running up the stairs and into our bedroom. I ran after her, stopping dead in the doorway as I watched her quickly pack up a few things.

“Where...Sarah what are you doing?” I stuttered not wanting to believe that my girlfriend was actually about to leave me.

She looked at me for a moment before going over to our wardrobe and pulling it open, ripping various shirts and jumpers off of hangers and stuffing them in a bag.

“Sarah please,” I pleaded.

“No,” she shouted at me as she threw her bag down. “You don’t get to plead with me Adam. Not this time. I let you do it last time and I let you do it the time before that but...not this time.”

I watched wordlessly as she went into the bathroom, reappearing a few moments later with her toiletries.

“I promise you that I haven’t...”

“Your promises mean shit Adam,” she pointed out bitterly. “You promised last time...and don’t try and pull that bullshit on me by saying that you aren’t using again. Why would you have a bag of OxyContin if you weren’t? Huh? Answer me that.”

I couldn’t answer her that because I had been well and truly caught. Sarah shook her head and laughed with no humour as she zipped up her bag. She slung it over her shoulder before grabbing up her every day bag, looking in it as she went to walk past me.

“Sarah, please don’t leave me,” I pleaded, grabbing her arm as she passed me.

“You don’t get to ask me to do things for you,” she seethed as she walked away from me. “You don’t do things for me.”

I followed her down the stairs and pushed the front door shut as she opened it.

“Adam, let me go.”

“I can’t.”

“You can and you bloody well will,” she growled as she looked up at me, her eyes still shining with tears and her cheeks slightly marred by the ones that had already fallen.

I swallowed and shook my head as I took Sarah’s cheeks in my hands.

“I can’t. I love you too much to let you walk out of my life.”

Sarah scoffed and smacked my hands away. “But you don’t love me enough to choose me over that shit? We’ve been through this before Adam and I told you last time...I told you that you had one more chance. You’ve had your chance and you blew it. Now let me leave the God damned house.”

I was adamant to stand my ground, to prove to her that I did love her. I held her shoulders and ducked my head down, pressing my lips to hers. Sarah tried to wriggle away but I held her tighter, not wanting her to go because I knew that this time there would be little chance of me winning her back.

“Let go of me,” she shrieked as she finally managed to pull away from me, her hand coming up and smacking me hard against the cheek.

I looked at her in shock as I stepped back from her and watched as tears began to fall down her cheeks even quicker than before. Her usual bright green eyes had lost their intensity and were clouded over in pain. She bit her lip and sniffed before taking a deep breath and letting it out. She brought up a hand and wiped away her tears, hitching her bag up again.

“Goodbye Adam,” she whispered.

I stood slightly to the side of her and saw her eyes were closed, a single tear slipping past her lashes. She opened her eyes a second later and let her gaze meet mine.

“You pushed me away Adam,” she pointed out quietly.

“I didn’t mean to.”

“But you did.”

I swallowed and stepped slightly around her so I was in front of her more.

“I reach for you at night,” I admitted. “But you’re not there and it kills me. I miss ending my days with you and starting them with you. I miss waking up and having you there with me, knowing that I can kiss you whenever I want to. Knowing I can hold you whenever I want to.”

I took another chance and softly held her arms, sliding them down to her hands as she didn’t pull away.

“You used to say that time stood still when we were together. And it’s true. It did and it still does for me. Whenever I see you everything else just seems to stop until it’s just you there.”

Sarah looked away from me, biting down on her lip as more tears fell down her cheeks.

“I don’t know what to do with myself now. I just want to hold you but you’re not there and I...I can’t do it. I’m going crazy without you in my life Sarah. I need you in my life. I can’t go on in this life without you. If I don’t have you, I would die.”

Sarah took one of her hands away from mine and brought it up to wipe some of her tears away.

“You don’t have me Adam,” she replied, taking her other hand away from me and wrapping her arms around herself. “You haven’t had me since you chose the drugs over me.”

“I didn’t choose them over you.”

“Then why did you lie?” She asked, her gaze finally meeting mine again. “If you’d just told me then I’d...it’s not the fact that you relapsed. It’s the fact that you hid it from me.”

“Sarah, please.”

She shook her head and sighed. “You don’t get to plead with me Adam. You don’t get to ask things of me anymore.”

Without another word Sarah walked past me. I turned and watched as she went to disappear in the house, not missing the way that Lyndsey darted away from the window as if she hadn’t been watching.

“But I love you,” I called out after her, putting my heart out and waiting for the guillotine to fall on it.

She paused in the doorway and tapped the wood for a moment before turning her head and looking over at me.

“I loved you once. Goodbye Adam,” she replied before disappearing into the house.

And there it was, the guillotine. I stared at the empty doorway where she’d been standing and just let myself sink to the floor. I ran my hands down my face and sighed.

“You okay?”

I looked up at the soft, concerned voice of my sister and shrugged. Lyndsey plopped down beside me and wrapped her arms around my waist, leaning her head on my shoulder as she sighed.

“She said goodbye,” I muttered. “Again.”