Daddy Cool

I awoke groggily the next morning, hardly remembering the previous day until I saw Raiden sprawled across my bed and it all flooded back to me. I was alone, my daughter had been removed from my home, my partner of 17 years hadn’t returned home. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such pain in my life – being so accustomed to having Tre around has softened me over the years. I stretched, getting up from the bed gently so not to wake Raiden. I stood in the shower of my en suite bathroom that I begged Tre to let me install for many years while the children were younger. The water fell over my face like a warm waterfall and washed away all my tears. I cleansed myself, breathing deeply throughout the whole shower and imagining that I was cleansing my soul.

Where the hell did my life go? I questioned myself as I stepped out and looked at myself in the mirror. When did I turn from the rebellious teen I once was to this old mother I saw before me? Standing naked, I examined my body, feeling sick as I saw remaining stretch marks from my three pregnancies, my skin on the stomach was not long firm, my legs wobbled a bit as I moved around, not to mention the damn crowed feet that hung lifelessly around my eyes. I disgusted myself. No wonder Tre left THIS, I mentally scolded myself. Why did I let myself go so much? I sighed, drying myself off, thankful that I brought my clothes into the bathroom with me. I dressed myself, brushing my hairbrush through my tangled hair. I stared at my reflection, my hair – what had happened to my hair? It was boring and lank now. It hung straight down, past my shoulders, with an indescribable colouring to it. Is it brown? What the hell is the colour of my hair?! Despair crept into every single part of my body. I no longer recognized the woman I was. My boring Levi jeans repulsed me, my black short sleeved shirt made me feel frumpy and old.

I twisted my hair up into a shaggy bun, not even caring anymore. What was the point? I left my bathroom to find Raiden sitting up in bed, arms wrapped around his knees, watching for me.

“Mom.” He whispered. I rushed to him, putting my arms around him. “I had a nightmare.” His salty tears slowly soaked my shirt but I didn’t care.

“It’s okay, baby, I’m here, I promise. I’m not going away. I’ll never leave you.” I held him a tightly as I could without cutting off his breathing.

“Mom?” Freya’s soft voice floated through the air to me and I held out my hand to her. She came and grabbed hold of it, as I pulled her into the tight hug with me and Raiden. “What’s going on?” She choked out.

“I’m... I’m not too sure, you two.” I admitted softly.

“Have you and dad split?” I didn’t know how to respond to my daughter’s tense question.

“I don’t... I’m not... I don’t know.”

“What’s happened?” She broke away from me and sat back against the headboard looking at me. “You and dad have fought before, you always make up.” I shook my head.

“Not like this, Freya.” I held back my tears. I wouldn’t allow myself to cry anymore. “Never like this. I was... I was so horrible. I said some really bad things in my anger. This whole thing with Willow, god it’s torn us apart.” Anger flickered across Freya’s face.

“Why punish us for her mistakes?” She snapped.

“We’re not punishing you!” I was quick to defend our actions. “Me and your father, we had a disagreement over what to do with Willow. It got heated. We fought, we argued, all the anger and frustration we’d been feeling the past couple of weeks over what to do with Willow all came tumbling out towards each other.”

“Surely dad knows that?” Raiden questioned.

“You would think so. But I’m guessing not, since he hasn’t returned home since then.” My face flushed red. It was getting so difficult to hold the emotions back from them. I hated to admit any weakness. “I’ve failed. That’s all I can say.” I whispered.

“Failed? What are you on about?” Freya asked, anger flickering into her voice.

“I’ve failed Willow as a mother, I’ve failed you two by becoming so hell bent on Willow, and I’ve failed your father for allowing myself to get so angry and taking it out on him.”

“Mom, none of this is your fault. You have to realise that.” Freya held my hand tight, squeezing it in comfort. “You have to stop hurting yourself over this.”

“Willow’s made her choices, Mom; you can’t force her to change them.” Raiden spoke up.

“What would I do without you two, eh? You’re keeping me sane.” I smiled at them. It was true, they really were keeping me sane, keeping me here, keeping me alive.

“Is Willow as bad as you were when you were young, Momma?” Raiden asked. I smiled, my children loved hearing the stories of my youth – God knows why.

“Well did I ever tell you about the time when I was 15 in London, alone?” We all got comfortable as I started the story, one of their favourites.

***

“What would you like for lunch then?” I asked my two remaining children as we made our way down to the kitchen. We had spent the entire morning in my bed, talking about my childhood, laughing away our cares. It was now 2pm in the afternoon and I was starting to feel hungry.

“I don’t know. I’m thinking I might run out to meet some friends, is that okay?” Freya asked, sounding nervous.

“Course it is. Have fun.” I smiled at her. She smiled, peeking me on the cheek and grabbing her car keys.

“Won’t be late!” She slammed the door unintentionally as she ran out to her car.

“So, it’s just me and you for lunch then.” Raiden looked embarrassed.

“Actually, Mom, I was going to go round Uncle Billie’s for some drum practice, Joey’s back and promised he’d play with me.” I smiled at him, hiding my disappointment. I didn’t want to be alone.

“That’s fine, get Joey or Uncle Billie to drop you home afterwards okay? I don’t want you walking in the dark.” I told him as he grabbed his drum sticks from the table in the hallway.

“See you later!” So I was alone to my large home, it felt empty. I stormed up to my bedroom, placing a very old CD in the stereo that I fought tooth and nail for Tre not to put in our bedroom.

Atreyu, my old obsession. I loved every single song they ever made, and then some. I pressed play and turned the volume up VERY loud. Staring at my reflection in my floor length mirror of my room, I ripped my hair from my hair clip I had in it and combed through it with my fingers. Something needed to change. It had dried in the shape of the bun, and hung even lanker than before. I walked into Freya’s room and rooted around in her dressing table drawers. I knew she kept hair dye in here, constantly, in case the moment took her to change her hair. She was like me in that way, unpredictable. I chose the darkest blackest shade with a blue tint to it and took it in to my bathroom. I spent the half hour with the hair dye on my head, dancing around my room to Atreyu. Granted I know you can’t exactly dance to them, but hey ho, I did. I washed the colour off my hair after the allocated time and dried and straightened it in my room. I spent a full hour twisting it into dreadlocks like I used to do when I was younger. I washed my face again and applied the makeup I used to love, the makeup that used to define me. My big black eyeliner swept across my eyes, my bright blue eyelashes were glued on and my lips were painted blue to match. Walking across to my closet, I pulled out all the cases that held the clothes from my youth, the clothes I could never bear to throw away. I grabbed a pair of bright blue chaps, teamed with very large furry white boots. I grabbed a long sleeved tight blue crop top and put it on. I admired myself in the mirror. I felt like my old self. I felt like ME and my, my, didn’t it feel fucking excellent!?!

I turned the stereo off, grabbing my purse from the nightstand and leaving my house, locking up after me. I was going to visit an old friend, someone I was in contact with but hadn’t seen for a while. I made my way down the street, and found my way to my old bar. It felt like home. For the first time in 17 years, I didn’t feel like a mother, I didn’t have any responsibilities. Tonight I was going to drink like there was no fucking tomorrow!