Little Honda
Faster, It's Alright!
“Shut up!” Jeremy was irritated with James, James singing “Little Honda”, James’ Honda, and his own Vespa, seeing how it didn’t work half of the time, and Christ, he didn’t even know how to drive it.
“First gear, it’s alright! Second gear, I lean right! Third gear, hang on tight! Faster, it’s alright!” As usual, James was having fun annoying Jeremy. It was incredibly easy to do so, and James enjoyed it.
“I hate you!”
Ha.
“It’s not a big motorcycle, just a groovy little motorbike…”
-
“James, will you fucking shut up?”
James carried on singing in the lower bunk. It would have generally been better for Jeremy not to have been on the top bunk, and for James to be up there, but James insisted to have the bottom bunk. He didn’t know why Richard didn’t just go up there instead, the little midget, but he didn’t understand the other two anyway.
“James, fucking shut up, you cock.”
“Go sleep with Richard then.”
“Bugger off.”
-
The only song on that trip that overruled “Little Honda” was “Born in the USA”. Trust the production crew to do that sort of thing…
And Richard realised that he should get his Minsk away from the waves just in case. That bike was the equivalent of Satan to them. Who wants to be driving a motorbike covered in the American flag when in Vietnam?
-
First, Richard had a pink helmet because those cocks broke the first one. The one that wasn’t pink; the one that didn’t bring him shame to be a 38 year old bloke on a pink bike in Vietnam from a telly show.
“Come on, it’s not that bad. There’s just a little bit of pink here, and a little bit there…” James was trying not to laugh, but failed. Jeremy simply laughed from start to finish.
“And a little bit bloody everywhere!”
That was the problem with not knowing Vietnamese. Whether the locals spoke English or not, you still couldn’t get them away from the spray paint can…
And Richard still had a fucking pink bike.
-
“We cheat.”
That meant James not using his little Honda, Richard not using the Minsk and Jeremy not using the pesky Vespa. Otherwise known as the best method of getting across Vietnam.
Maybe it wasn’t the most perfect solution in England – or anywhere, apart from Japan – but it was better than the stupid bikes. Said Jeremy.
Richard found the original challenge to be the best thing they’d ever done on Top Gear, and James found it enjoyable. Jeremy fucking hated it, and he’d never ridden a motorbike before. He didn’t know codswallop about bikes, so he chose the one with the ‘best’ style and the tiniest wheels. You cock! You’ll get stuck further in the holes!
‘There’s no possible way of getting to the other side of the country in this amount of time on these bikes.’
‘Yeah, but it’s cheating.’
-
“This is not the finishing point.”
“What?”
Richard didn’t quite believe that after all of that – driving across a whole country in less than ten days, on a cheapo bike for a few dong – that they still hadn’t finished.
The actual finishing point was on water. Some bar in the middle of the sea, and they didn’t know how to get there. All they knew was that they had to make their bikes amphibious and that they had to…cross water.
Following true amphibious Top Gear traditions, it all went wrong for James. Multiple times.
-
While Richard and Jeremy waited, they talked about how the people born there didn’t ever go on proper land. That was something they’d learned when they got there, and the first thing they’d forget when they left.
James was still out in the water, losing parts of his ‘ship’. Naturally, he fell off it, and swam there instead.
He almost missed having a reason to annoy Jeremy by singing “Little Honda”, but there were more important things to think about.
“Oh cock!”
“First gear, it’s alright! Second gear, I lean right! Third gear, hang on tight! Faster, it’s alright!” As usual, James was having fun annoying Jeremy. It was incredibly easy to do so, and James enjoyed it.
“I hate you!”
Ha.
“It’s not a big motorcycle, just a groovy little motorbike…”
-
“James, will you fucking shut up?”
James carried on singing in the lower bunk. It would have generally been better for Jeremy not to have been on the top bunk, and for James to be up there, but James insisted to have the bottom bunk. He didn’t know why Richard didn’t just go up there instead, the little midget, but he didn’t understand the other two anyway.
“James, fucking shut up, you cock.”
“Go sleep with Richard then.”
“Bugger off.”
-
The only song on that trip that overruled “Little Honda” was “Born in the USA”. Trust the production crew to do that sort of thing…
And Richard realised that he should get his Minsk away from the waves just in case. That bike was the equivalent of Satan to them. Who wants to be driving a motorbike covered in the American flag when in Vietnam?
-
First, Richard had a pink helmet because those cocks broke the first one. The one that wasn’t pink; the one that didn’t bring him shame to be a 38 year old bloke on a pink bike in Vietnam from a telly show.
“Come on, it’s not that bad. There’s just a little bit of pink here, and a little bit there…” James was trying not to laugh, but failed. Jeremy simply laughed from start to finish.
“And a little bit bloody everywhere!”
That was the problem with not knowing Vietnamese. Whether the locals spoke English or not, you still couldn’t get them away from the spray paint can…
And Richard still had a fucking pink bike.
-
“We cheat.”
That meant James not using his little Honda, Richard not using the Minsk and Jeremy not using the pesky Vespa. Otherwise known as the best method of getting across Vietnam.
Maybe it wasn’t the most perfect solution in England – or anywhere, apart from Japan – but it was better than the stupid bikes. Said Jeremy.
Richard found the original challenge to be the best thing they’d ever done on Top Gear, and James found it enjoyable. Jeremy fucking hated it, and he’d never ridden a motorbike before. He didn’t know codswallop about bikes, so he chose the one with the ‘best’ style and the tiniest wheels. You cock! You’ll get stuck further in the holes!
‘There’s no possible way of getting to the other side of the country in this amount of time on these bikes.’
‘Yeah, but it’s cheating.’
-
“This is not the finishing point.”
“What?”
Richard didn’t quite believe that after all of that – driving across a whole country in less than ten days, on a cheapo bike for a few dong – that they still hadn’t finished.
The actual finishing point was on water. Some bar in the middle of the sea, and they didn’t know how to get there. All they knew was that they had to make their bikes amphibious and that they had to…cross water.
Following true amphibious Top Gear traditions, it all went wrong for James. Multiple times.
-
While Richard and Jeremy waited, they talked about how the people born there didn’t ever go on proper land. That was something they’d learned when they got there, and the first thing they’d forget when they left.
James was still out in the water, losing parts of his ‘ship’. Naturally, he fell off it, and swam there instead.
He almost missed having a reason to annoy Jeremy by singing “Little Honda”, but there were more important things to think about.
“Oh cock!”