Playing Russian Roulette.

I have seen so many loving faces
They turn back and leave with looks of regret
The road goes and I am finding home in it
The road goes and I am finding home in it.
-Saosin.

The world flew by at a fast pace. Signs passed before I could read them and cars looked tiny, fragile, driving alongside our mammoth RV. Even the Mac trucks and school buses seemed to be no competition for our new home.

Sighing, I rested my forehead against the window at my side, leaning my legs onto the dinette table as I pulled them up to my chest. On the counter across the kitchenette, my iHome switched to a different song as it shuffled through my iPod files.

The gentle hum of the RV’s engine was soothing, and I was exhausted. My eyelids felt incredibly heavy, my vision was blurry. I blinked several times, trying to force myself to stay awake. I had no desire to fall asleep, not while I was waiting on a supposedly important e-mail from Rachel.

She would throw one hell of a fit if I wasn’t there to answer immediately. Or she would call one of our cell phones and leave “boss like” messages in her professional voice. My luck, she probably saw the videos of Max and me being cute on our Buzznet and wanted to rip me a new asshole for not listening to her.

Oh. or maybe she saw how wonderful we were together and decided her rule was complete nonsense… or, call me crazy, maybe she was going to tell me what to do once we arrived at the venue, since that was kind of her job.

But the thought of her thinking we were cute was nice. An opinion outside of my best friends would be nice. Someone random, even! Just walk right and say, “Aw, you two are adorable!” Even though we weren’t dating…

Wow, I need some sleep. I’m dreaming way too deeply. But I kept seeing Max the night before last at the club. Most of the events were a little fuzzy, but I remembered his words during my body shot. “You look beautiful.”

I pressed my lips together, fighting back a smile. And the comments about my fake engagement ring in the elevator. He actually told me to keep wearing it, because he didn’t want other people flirting with me. A sign of protective instincts due to affection?

Gabrielle did say he liked me. How trustworthy she was happened to be on the fence with me. I didn’t how if I could trust her as far as I could throw her.

And I had one hell of a lousy arm.

The RV hit a pothole. My forehead collided with the window, and I jerked back into reality, lurching backwards away from the wall and slapping the palm of my head to the injured spot. Dammit, how many times could I get hurt in a week?

Cringing, I looked at my computer. Our Buzznet homepage was up. I had just finished watching our fake wedding proposal for the fourth time in a row. I pressed the back button and observed as all our videos and pictures loaded quickly.

I lowered my hand from my forehead, sighing.

I clicked on the tiny folder Devin dedicated purely to Escape the Fate and myself. Thirty two pictures and videos were in it, all of which were personal and did not involve Warped or interviewing them. The most recent ones were the pictures and video Devin took when we got home from the club.

I hadn’t looked at all of them, but I knew they were up. Devin was sure to tell me repeatedly the net morning that there were picture of a drunk me and a group of equally as intoxicated people on our account. Not that I cared. Worse things of me were on the internet.

The first four had been taken as we were coming back onto the bus. Max and I were leaning on each other, our arms around our waists and holding hands somewhat. I had some way or another obtained his leather jacket and his pants were low, his underwear peeking over his waistband.

I bit my lip.

There was another when we were sitting on the couch together. A video was beside it, with a screenshot of Craig’s laughing face on it, so I clicked its icon and tapped my chipped white nails on the table as it loaded.

“No! They were dancing together on top of the bar It was so, so hot!” Craig slurred to the camera, his arm slung over Gabrielle’s shoulders. “And, then, Juliet and Max started dancing together. That wasn’t hot--”

“But it was very cute.” Gabrielle wasn’t slurring too badly. She must handle her alcohol well because I knew for a fact she took at least three vodka shots and had two other drinks.

Her hand gripped at Craig’s shirt. I smiled. They made an… odd couple. Standing side-by-side, something I had only witnessed this single time, it was hard to imagine them ever being fiancés.

Me, being honest with myself, would have to admit that they looked like a hen and a hyena standing together. Gabrielle looked mean and upright; Craig appeared as the happy, goofy one.

They did not need to be a couple again, no matter how much they loved each other. It was just obvious they weren’t soul mates, or whatever it was called when someone found the right person for them. I didn’t know anymore.

That’s when Devin turned the camera to the couch where Max and me were sitting. I had planted myself in his lap, my legs slung onto the cushions. His arms were around my waist, and I had on arm around his neck. My free hand was playing with curly strands of his hair, tucking them behind his ear and running my fingers through it.

Now we looked adorable. Sure, we both showed how drunk we were, but we looked affectionate and cute, and we weren’t even together… yet.

I heard Devin giggle behind the camera. “Look at them! They’re in love.”

They’re in love… They’re in love. My eyes stinging with tears, I swept my hand through my hair. Devin had no clue how right he was. I was in love. Oh, sweet, glorious love and it was absolutely beautiful. And he loved me back.

He loved me back.

My tears were a mix of undivided joy and the anxiety of what lay ahead. Gabrielle was right. He had a single month to prove to me he loved me, that he was the one I adored.

“Juliet!” Devin’s voice came from right behind me.

I gasped and slammed my computer shut. It was a reflex; I couldn’t stop myself. I whipped around until my back was pressed fully against the back wall of the dinette booth, my gaze turning to a burning glare at my best friend.

Devin slid into the booth beside me. “Sorry if I scared you,” he laughed. “But you looked so focused on the video, I couldn’t resist.” He reached out and raised the monitor. The video was still up and playing, but the picture had not changed.

Apparently Devin couldn’t get enough of how we looked. His best friend was finally in love with someone who didn’t threaten to kill her if she said one more thing about his drug abuse. Someone who was worth a damn.

A coward, yes, but the most perfect coward I could ever come in contact with.

“Why did you focus on Max and me the whole time?” I questioned, wiping my eyes with the sleeves of my plaid, button-up shirt. “Monte and Rob were telling a funny story, but you caught none of it, you little stalker.”

Devin paused the video. “Are you not looking at this?” He looked pointedly at the screen. “You and Max are fucking beautiful together.

“We were drunk,” I retorted dully. “You know I get touchy-feely when I’m drunk. That’s -- that’s nothing.” The fuck was I saying?

Devin snorted, going back to our homepage. “Yes, but you’re in love. Stop denying it.”

I had stopped denying it, to myself at least. But how could I stop denying it to anyone besides Gabrielle, after I gave Stefan hell for saying I could have kissed someone worse, and Devin for suggesting maybe Max just liked me.

How big of an ass would I seem like? Everyone knew I was in love with him, but did I have enough guts to say I loved him and I had for as long as I had known him?

I twisted Max’s ring. “I have stopped denying, Dev,” I pointed out. “I admitted that I loved him to Gabrielle, several times. And Craig is fully aware.”

Devin turned an open mouth stare at me. I flashed a grin and wiggled my fingers in a cute wave.

“So, you actually are in love with Max?” he asked, raising his brown eyebrows high on his forehead. With a jolt, I realized he was serious. He meant the question! Did he not hear all the things I had said before?

It was his own fault. If he chose not to listen to me and be left out in the cold, then he obviously didn’t think we made an all too good couple. He didn’t think I was serious with the things I said.

I shook my head. Irritation replaced my exhaustion. How could he call himself my best friend when he couldn’t put two and two together without me confessing my ass off?

“Have you not watched the video of Gabby and me talking on the river walk?” I muttered through clenched teeth.

“No. Why?”

“Oh my God!” I cried, scraping my nails against my leopard tights. “You put those videos up without checking what’s happening on them, you ass?! Do you know what you put on the internet for everyone to see?”

Devin’s brow knit together. He really was clueless? I tossed my head back and whined like a dying animal. And here I was lead to believe he was a sneaky bastard and did it on purpose.

I snatched the computer back into my grasp and went to the second page. I clicked on the video and pushed it back in front of him. I had yet to watch it, either. But Max had. I shuddered violently.

“I’ll be right back, my loves,” Devin’s voice said.

There was a moment of silken before Gabrielle spoke. “You’re doing it again. Daydreaming or thinking. Are you sure you’re okay? You look upset or something.”

I shielded a smile with my hand, a blush creeping up my cheeks. The fantasy from that day came back full force, steam, water, nakedness, and all. Max’s voice filed my head as he moaned my name and a small string of curse words.

I coughed and tried to focus on the video, but that was difficult when fantasies of Max Green soaking wet and having sex with me ravaged the confines of my mind. And the sounds he was making! It rivaled any cheap pornography I watched.

Devin sucked in a loud, sharp breath. I glanced at him as he stopped the video and twisted to look at me. He looked distraught and betrayed.

“What’s wrong?” I questioned, alarmed. My eyes flickered from his face to my computer and back.

“You… you kissed Max? And you never told me this? Why, Jay?” Devin put a girth between us, pushing his way with his hands on the seat. “And Stefan knew and he didn’t tell me, either? Why did you keep it a secret for a y--”

Realization, understanding, lit his eyes, dawned on his features. Slowly, he turned to face me. Something, some kind of emotion, floated around in his brown eyes that I couldn’t place. I couldn’t even tell if he was happy or upset. His expression was confusing.

He pointed an index finger at my face. I swatted it away, frowning. Either he told me what the deal was or I picked up the empty coffee mug at my side and smashed it over his head.

“Devin!” I yelled, throwing my hands out. “Talk or I’m hitting you.”

His voice barely came out as a whisper, but I managed to hear him over the hum of the engine and the sound of Attack Attack! over my iPod. “A year ago, you had a fight with Max. A year ago, Ronnie went to jail. Almost a year ago, you stopped talking to the band.”

I could practically see the gears turning in his head. It was obvious he was doing the math and figuring out why I did drugs at that certain point in time. Because I had been depressed, that’s why!

Devin and Stefan were clueless about the reason for my drug stint. They asked many times, but I didn’t want to admit I needed the boys’ attention so badly, or that Ronnie’s jailing had been a bigger upset than I let on. And… now horridly bad it hurt to know that the kiss meant nothing.

That was the main motive behind my silence. The memory of how happy I was during our three seconds of lip lock was the happiest few moments of my entire life, and the hurt I felt went beyond any other kind of pain I experienced before.

Those feelings were what I thought about with every pill that slipped passed my lips. I felt Max’s mouth and heard his evil words and underwent my cravings for him all over again.

“That’s why you started with Ecstasy!” Devin finally cried. “Why didn’t you tell me? That’s not all that bad, darling.”

“I didn’t want to admit that I’m a complete girl,” I whispered. “It actually bothered me, Dev. Everything! Even Ronnie going to jail.”

“But mostly Max, right?” Devin’s features softened. He furrowed his brows in what looked like an apologetic way, but I waved it off and nodded quickly.

“You don’t understand. No one could! The way I felt when I was kissing him was so…” I grasped for the right word, but could only come up with something oh so cliché. “…so fucking perfect. I didn’t realize until then how much I actually loved him.”

Devin tossed his arms around me and gathered me close to his chest. He squeezed my torso until I could no longer breathe, and I shoved him away, gasping for air. He tossed me a Cheshire-cat-like grin.

I held him out at an arms length. “Devin, you’re freaking out. Please stop.”

“No.” Devin tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “My best friend is finally in love with someone worth while. This is perfect, Jay. No more heartless Ronnie. No more crying or fighting or injuries. How can I not be happy about this?”

I shrugged my shoulders, raising and letting them fall very slowly. He was happy enough for the both of us, it seemed, but I knew for a fact that if Max and I started dating, things would be better than my relationship with Ronnie.

Max wouldn’t physically hurt me. Or sexually, or verbally.

All the things I hated about Ronnie, Max made up for. He was sweet, caring, and almost shy in a way for not wanting to come out and say that he liked me. Then again, that could also be called many other, less kind names, but I found it cute.

I pulled at the hem of my t-shirt. “I’m happy, too, Devin.” And I was. For once, I knew I could physically be happy if things went the right way.

Swallowing passed the lump in my throat, I lunged myself at Devin, tossing my arms around his neck and pressing myself into his warm chest. I didn’t allow myself to cry, but I sobbed dryly into his shirt, clinging desperately.

I was going to be happy! For once in so long. Happy. If things went the way I wanted them, was it a possibility I would have my dream life? Devin seemed to think so. I would have liked to be so sure, but that month suddenly sounded much longer than before.

Devin pulled me close, rubbing his hands in circles on my back. I choked on another sob. Devin kissed the top of my head.

“Jay, sweetie, there is no reason to cry about this.”

“I‘m not crying.” I pulled away, raking my hand through my hair, and looked up at Devin through the locks of hair that now covered my eyes. “I’m happy. Like, really happy, Devin. Do you know how long its been since that’s happened?”

Devin tapped his index finger on his chin in mock concentration. He knew exactly how long it had been, and his pretend thoughts only made me want to flip him in the side of the head. Surely he was not going to make me be the one to say it.

He smiled, showing his rows of perfect, white teeth. Yes, he was.

I rolled my eyes, flipping my hair away from my face in annoyance. “I haven’t been happy since I started dating Ronnie. Okay. There. I said it. Content?” I shook my head with quick, jerky motions and scrunched my nose up in disgust. The words tasted bitter on my tongue.

I still didn’t want to talk about Ronnie during the best months of my life. He kept being brought up in conversation, however, and I found it exceedingly hard to ignore the thought of speaking about him. People wanted to.

And I was powerless to snub conversations of any kind.

“Yes, I‘m content,” Devin said, grinning, “and I am willing to bet my life that Max will treat you better than Ronnie ever has, Piper. He’s already proven that much by being kind to you since the day in Pomona, with all the little things he does.”

Okay. One month isn’t a long time to wait, Juliet. You can do it. Think positive, focus on what lay ahead. I needn’t dwell on the bad things, like what would happen if he didn’t say something by the end of July. Listen to Devin! Max is worth the wait.

Devin slid out of the seat with a groan. He jaunted over to the fridge and opened the door. His arm momentarily disappeared into the refrigerator, and I heard glass clinking together. “Do you want a bottle of Starbucks? Vanilla, of course.”

“Yes, please.”

I stared at Max’s ring as my fingers glided across the track pad and closed the Buzznet page. My background picture - a photo of the boys and me on the stage in Dallas yesterday - replaced it. The memory from the picture was still fresh on my mind.

The boys had asked me to come out on stage as they sang Not Good Enough For Truth In Cliché. It had been beyond fun, standing beside Craig and laughing every time he moved his fingers in a gun shape toward my temple when the chorus came around.

Not to mention Max’s weird comments into his microphone before and after the song, and how he demanded I stay on the stage during the next song, Something.

Shaking my head, I searched my head for something else to do, as opposed to staring longingly at the sexy smirk on Max’s face.

But I couldn’t think of a single thing to do now. The computer had to stay turned on, since Rachel’s e-mail still hadn’t come through, and if I didn’t find something to make time go faster, I was going to go legally insane.

I double clicked the icon for my MSN. It sprung to life on my monitor, automatically signing me in as Juliet-Cliché. Several people on my contact list were online, including Craig.

The thirteen hour drive from Dallas to Indianapolis would be so much easier if the boys were present instead of locked in their bus. It wouldn’t feel like half a day of hell that way.

The sound of my ring tone rang out in the quiet RV. Leaning across the table, I grabbed it from the far left corner, pushed in the accept button, and pressed it to my ear without bothering to look at the caller ID. I heard laughing and Leila’s voice through the silence.

Wow, I wonder who this could be. “Hello?” My voice echoed three times. I took a wild guess that I was on speakerphone in the other bus.

“Hey, Juliet,” Max’s voice greeted first. The boys and Leila echoed his greeting, but I didn’t hear Gabrielle. She was probably still asleep.

“Hi, guys.” I glanced sideways at Devin as he reclaimed his original seat beside me. He plopped two glass bottles down on the table, the pale liquid sloshing against the sides.

He nudged me in the ribs with his elbow, singing something I didn’t hear. I rolled my eyes and smacked the back of my hand into his chest. Immature jack ass.

“What is everyone doing up so early?” I questioned, grabbing my Starbucks and popping the top. The lid dropped to the table in a clatter as I tilted the rim to my lips and let the sweet tasting frappucino slip over my tongue.

“Our bus is making a weird sound,” Robert called. “So our driver is going to stop at the next rest stop. Do you think Stefan would stop there, too? Leila and Max are demanding to see you. We figure it would make one of them shut up.”

“Hey!” Max cried.

Robert laughed loudly. “Really. Go ask him before I kill your boyfriend.”

Max was demanding to see me? Why? But, instead of questioning on something already perfect, I climbed over Devin and darted through the curtains at the front of the bus. Stefan, sitting in the driver’s seat, gave me a fleeting glance before looking back at the road.

I leaned my hip on the back of the passenger seat. “Stefan, the boys want to know if we can join them at the next rest stop. Max wants to talk to me.” I made sure to give him my best pleading voice, knowing he would agree.

Stefan tapped his fingers on the steering wheel in a steady rhythm. He bobbed his head up and down in agreement after a few moments. “Okay. I need to take a break anyway. Tell them I’m right behind them and I’ll stop whenever they do.”

X X X X

The toe of my boot tapped against the kitchenette tile flooring, my chipped fingernails rapping on the countertop to my left. Impatience swirled in the pit of my stomach. It seemed like hours passed since I hung up with Max with a promise to see him at the rest stop.

I glanced at my cell phone. Alas, only sixteen minutes elapsed. Yes, sixteen minutes of pure hell. I wanted to get to the rest stop already! Ha, and the boys thought Max was eager to see me. They should hear my fervent thoughts.

A pale, heavy hand came down on my shoulder. I pivoted, my elbow colliding with the person behind me, and I saw Devin slink away from me. I gasped, realizing all too late my actions.

He collapsed onto the couch.

“I’m so sorry, Dev!” I cried, sitting beside him. “Did I hurt you? Dammit, why the hell did you sneak up on me like that? You know I hate being surprised!”

Despite the contradiction, I still felt guilty. Paranoia was not needed while on an RV. No one, not even Josh the drug lord and his flunkies, were going to commit murder while on a moving, motorized caravan. First off, they couldn’t get on the bus. Second, Stefan had a gun in the bottom kitchen cabinet.

Not even a psycho druggie could out run a bullet.

So why the hell was I wound up so tight? I wasn’t stressed about anything, and nothing was bothering me, yet I jumped and flipped out twice thanks to Devin’s surprise greetings. Maybe it was all the worries and thoughts that suddenly haunted my head.

The month of waiting for Max, the fear that he would never admit he loved me. The constant reminders of my mistakes. The terrible gut feeling that Rachel’s e-mail would be something bad. Ronnie’s annoying voice in the back of my head at every point in time.

Okay. It was a good possibility Devin and Stefan were right. The real world was a little much for me so soon.

I patted Devin’s back, cringing. “I’m sorry,” I repeated.

Devin shook his head, raising a hand and waving it around in front of my face. “You have on hell of a hit, Jay! Fuck.” He gasped for air. His waving hand moved down to gingerly probe at his ribs. “You’re like a puma. Your fucking reflexes are insane, girl.”

My cheeks flushed. “I’m sorry! Stop surprising me and I won’t have to elbow you.” I pushed a section of his hair out of his face and smacked the palm of my hand gently against his cheek before rising from the couch and moving to the counter, my eyes watching the couch.

The RV was still moving. I felt the wheels hitting over the rough highway roads beneath my feet. I peered at the front, where the curtains were still pulled open. The boys’ bus was driving in front of us - I recognized the license plate - and the intended rest stop was just up ahead.

The padding of little paws drew my attention to the hallway. Ghost came barreling out of the back bedroom, his stubby legs nothing but a blur as he ran toward the front door, then backtracked to my feet. He turned his eyes up at me, tail thumping against the floor.

I scooped him up in one arm and tucked him underneath my armpit. I scratched my nails behind his ear. “I bet you have to use the bathroom, don’t you, Ghostie?”

“Ew,” Devin muttered. “Please, don’t let him pee inside. I will never be comfortable in here again. And it’ll stink.”

“He’s not going to pee inside,” I shot. “Have more faith in Ghost, Devin. He knows when and when not to go to the bathroom, and he is fully aware that it is against Mommy’s rules to do so inside anywhere.”

The RV pitched to the left as it turned a corner. Devin almost flopped off the couch, and I grabbed the counter to keep myself upright. Ghost whined in my arms. Everything came to a stop; Stefan cut the engine and silence bestowed us.

Stefan unhooked his seatbelt and stood, stretching his arms high above his head and groaning loudly. Driving for five hours could not have taken that much out of him.

Ghost still in my arms, I forced myself to walk calmly over to the door, step down the three stairs, and open it. The boys’ bus sat two parking spaces away. Their door was open, and Max was in the lot already, Leila on his hip.

I hopped off the final step and careened myself in their direction as Stefan and Devin came down behind me.

Leila spotted me first. “Jay!” she cried, her arms shooting out.

“Leila!” I set Ghost on the ground and stole her from Max’s arms, cuddling her close to my chest. She wrapped her tiny arms around my neck. “Aw, Leila, girl. Where’s Mommy and Daddy?”

Max leaned against the bus. “Gabrielle is asleep and Craig is getting dressed.”

I glanced at him. He looked like he had been up all night, but not in a sick way like before. His hair was a mess atop his head and he donned a sleeveless black shirt and red pants that appeared too big for him. They looked more like something Robert owned.

His own gaze swept up and down my outfit. I ignored my painful urge to cover my tights and thin t-shirt out of his view.

Craig, Bryan, and Robert filed out of the bus, one after the other jumping down beside us. Immediately I was passed around the group, each boy giving me a loving bear hug, Craig stealing Leila when I got to him, until Bryan pushed me into Max’s arms.

I wasn’t sure what to do, standing with my chest inches from his, so I slid my arms around his torso and hugged him. He hugged me back, pulling me close into his warm body heat, his hands moving onto my lower back.

He stank of cigarette smoke, but I didn’t mind. I actually kind of liked it. I’m fucking insane. I like the way he smells!

I broke our embrace, and he took my right hand in his, interlacing our fingers together. I got the general idea and started pulling him away from the others.

“Ghost, go over to the grass! Go use to the bathroom like a good boy!” I called. It was the perfect reason to get Max alone and question him about why he demanded to see me.

I followed behind Ghost, He hurried into the grass and darted behind a low, green shrub. I stopped a few feet away, and Max moved to stand at my side.

I looked up at him. “So,” I whispered awkwardly, “why did you want to talk to me?”

“Because your company is so much more enjoyable than Robert and Monte’s. They keep pestering me about you and I’m so close to stabbing them when they’re not expecting it.” He huffed and tossed his hair out of his face. “Damn them.”

“Why are they bothering you about me?”

“They call you my girlfriend, and say perverted things about you just to make me mad.”

He gets mad when people say perverted things about me? Aw. “It makes you mad?” I asked, keeping the happiness from my voice.

“Yes. They need to fucking respect girls. It’s disgusting sometimes.” Oh. So, it wasn’t just me. It was girls in general.

I felt the bubble of thrill that had been growing around me burst. I pressed my lips together, carefully tugging my hand away from him.

Despite myself, I had to give him brownie points for respecting women, even though I wanted to lay down under the nearest rock. The conversation had not gone in the direction I so desperately wanted it to go, but there was still an entire month for that to happen.

A month. It wasn’t that long to wait, and, like I decided earlier, he was so worth the short interval.

“If they’re bothering you that badly, then hitch a ride in our RV for the rest of the trip.” The suggestion was oh-so tempting. “They can’t annoy you that way, and tomorrow I‘ll be sure to get Gabrielle and have her help me teach them how to be respectful.”

Max laughed and slung his arm over my shoulders. “You got a deal.” He planted a kiss on the top of my head. “I’ll be right back, then. I have to tell the others.”

He turned and disappeared behind me. I listened to his retreating footsteps until they were far away. Once I knew he was back at the buses, I threw my hands in the air and did an emphatic dance - no, a jig around in a perfect circle.

The next nine hours stuck in close quarters with Max Green.

Yes, please.