Playing Russian Roulette.

If I let you love me
Be the one adored.
Would you go all the way?
Be the one I'm looking for.
If I let you love me.
Be the one adored
Would you go all the way?
Be the one I'm looking for.

-Paramore.

Outside the kitchen window, tall, green trees stretched out beyond the amphitheater back wall, the leaves fluttering in a warm, summer wind. White clouds tossed along clear, blue skies, oceanic birds flew overhead, dive bombing any human that dare pass through their territory.

The patches of grass passed the concrete parking lot were green, with twinges of yellow from the obviously scorching summer temperatures. It was beautiful, everything about the Virginia Beach venue. Perfect weather to be so close to the beach.

But I paid it not attention. Thoughts were running too rampant, and my fingernails were near the quick from a night of terror and worry. It was too hard to believe, was all! For hours, I laid on the couch with Ghost, scared I would wake up and all of yesterday’s events would be nothing more than a dream.

At one point, I did fall asleep on the long drive to Virginia. The second I awoke, I rushed up front where Stefan and Devin sat and asked if Max said he loved me. They looked at me like I had two heads, but nonetheless they sad he had.

It wasn’t a dream. It was reality for once in my hellish life. The planets aligned, the universal powers went to work, and Max kissed me, and admitted he loved me, and had loved me for as long as I had him.

Max and I are not engaged, but we are together. Before I questioned whether or not our relationship was going anywhere yesterday, I ran off to talk to Josh and opened my big, fat mouth to the camera.

Questions wouldn’t stop asking themselves.

And, frankly, I wanted to know what was next. Max wanted as committed a relationship as I did, surely. Why else would he kiss me and straight out proclaim his love for me? There was no other logical explanation, so he had to want what I did.

Otherwise, he was psychotic… or a player. I found that possibility hard to believe after our beautiful moment in front of witnesses; he may have been a bastard and a drunk, but a player he was not.

I, however, could be considered such. My marital status remained solely in the hands of Ronnie; we had yet to utter that our relationship was over, even though I knew I should have the day I tom him about Warped. If only I could go back.

A loud, shrill beep sounded on the counter beside me, where I stood leaning against the solid material, my hands resting on the cold metal of the sink. My eyes snapped away from the window and to the source of the beeping. The coffee pot.

I yanked the hot vessel from the heated pan, ceasing the beeping, and threw a glance down the hallway. Eyes watching the entrance of the master bedroom, I stood in silence.

Devin and Stefan were still asleep, and probably would be until time to leave for the next city. They stayed awake from eight yesterday morning to five this one, when the drive to Virginia was finally over and they retreated to the back bedroom.

If they weren’t awake at -- I glanced at the clock beside the LCD tv -- seven, then I certainly wouldn’t be the one to wake them. What did they have to do anyway? Nothing, unless Rachel wanted to fill our empty schedule.

It was due time for her annual biweekly check up phone call in any case. I could ask her then, and even so! I would not wake Devin up. One of the boys would happily wield the camera if need be, but my best friends were staying asleep.

They deserved peace. After yesterday and days leading up to that, the least I could give them was a restful, drama free day.

Maybe they could thank me when they woke up… Ha. I was such an amazing best friend and tour mate. Yes, I needed to honk my own horn.

When the back remained silent, I pulled open the cabinet above my head and retrieved my favorite metallic purple mug, closing it quietly. I poured a large amount, watching the dark liquid splash into the white porcelain interior and swirl with billows of steam.

I sat the pot back in its place.

I turned and leaned a hip on the stove. The mug was too hot to be comfortable between my hands. Carefully, I blew on the coffee, sending a white fog of steam in the opposite direction, before tilting the top to my bottom lip, allowing a small sip to wash over my tongue.

The initial bitter taste made me cringe, and the temperature was much too hot. I lost a good layer of tissue from my taste buds. Deciding it would be better to let it cool before I drank anymore, I crossed the room to the couch.

I sat my mug on the shelf behind the couch beside my cell phone and the television remote. I settled down onto the couch, pulling Ghost onto my lap and propping my back on the right sofa arm. After adjusting Ghost into a more comfortable position, I grabbed the TV remote and flipped on the LCD screen plastered against the wall.

Last night I had left it on some reality show channel, and now a man with dark, dramatic eyes was holding a conversation with a blonde woman in a restaurant. I started searching through the channels quickly, only stopping for a split second when I landed on a new channel, only long enough for my eyes to catch the scene, then on to the next one I flicked.

When a picture of Leif Garrett popped up, I stopped on World’s Dumbest. A good laugh might keep my mind from dwelling too much on Max. I would talk to him later, after my coffee was gone, or after Rachel called. Whichever came first.

Resting the remote on my chest, I glanced at my phone. Rachel needed to know Max and I were… together. Or at least that there was a video on Havoc proclaiming so. In due time, rumors and articles and angered fan messages and videos would be posted all over the internet.

It was just a give in. I knew people wouldn’t be happy about this. Reading a rumor about their bassist being with his former best friend’s girlfriend was one thing; having prove of such was another, more crushing, issue.

None of it would surprise or hurt me, not after the ‘slut’ episode. Something about that fan attack made me realize the article and rumors weren’t that bad comparatively. Then again, nothing short of death could be that bad compared to the horrific Scranton concert.

After a helpful amount of caffeine was in my system, the call would be easier. If she hadn’t called by then, I would call her myself. She deserved to be warned of the assault her website would soon be victim of.

I wound one hand around my mug and, as I patted Ghost's soft, bristling hair, I drank and watched stupid idiots act completely ignorant in the first few clips. I prepared myself for the phone call between laughing at Leif Garrett, Loni Love, and Brad Loekle -- and booing Tonya Harding.

My assumptions were right. Not ten minutes later, the caffeine calmed me down just enough to consider what I was going to do next, which, in all honesty, wasn't an easy feat for the strongest coffee I could have managed to make.

Nonetheless, I felt immense amounts better. I guided Ghost off my lap and snatched my cell phone, shoving it in my back pocket as I moved to the sink and dropped my mug in the metal basin. I turned to look at the couch, where Ghost's bright eyes were looking at me in questioning.

“Didn't I already tell you not to keep me under your spotlight, Ghost? I'm fine.” I gingerly touched the hard object in the back of my shorts.

He looked unconvinced, blinking at me like he could see right through me. Damn dog. He was smarter than most of the people I had met in my entire life, as sad as that seemed. My dog was a genius and knew me better than some of my best friends, and could tell when I was annoyed, lying, or something of the like.

“Fine.” I pushed away from the counter. “I'm going to go talk to Max, and call Rachel on the walk to the venue. Does that make you feel better?”

He gave a little yelp as an answer. I stuck out my tongue and, snatching the marker from the dry erase board hanging on the fridge door, I wrote a note for Devin and Stefan if I wasn’t back before they woke up. Gone to talk to Max. Call the cell if you need me. Love, Jay.

Finished, I walked away from the kitchen and over to the front door. With a last look at my Boxer, I opened the door and hopped down the steps, closing it behind me once my feet hit the black top below.

Now, the sounds and true beauty met my senses. Birds were singing, bands were talking and laughing as they walked around the venue grounds. Music was filtering around the area from the band doing sound check on the stage feet from the tour buses.

I recognized the sound of the band as VersaEMERGE. The lead singer’s voice was much too unique to miss, and she sounded wonderful, even so early in the morning. I couldn’t distinguish the song, but I wasn’t very familiar with their music, having only heard of them a few days ago.

It felt horrible to be so out-of-field in the music industry loop after I had once been so up to date with all the newest bands and albums and had a list of songs I knew by heart that was capable of stretching from the amphitheater to the beach all the way across the city.

I leaned against the aluminum side of the RV and pulled out my cell phone, dialing Rachel’s number, nervously pressing my phone to my ear. After six long rings, it went to voice mail and Rachel’s cheery outgoing message filled my head.

“Hello, you have reached the phone of Rachel Winters. I’m busy right now, so please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as a I can. Thank you, goodbye!” A shrill beep followed her statement.

“Rachel, hello. It’s Piper and I need to talk to you… Uhm, well, I need to warn you about something. Please, call me back. Bye.” I ended the call and slipped the phone back in my pocket. She would call me back soon enough, and the remark about warning her would only make her go faster.

Good! She’ll be happy to hear what I have to tell her. I laughed out loud. Yes, and the world would soon freeze over.

I slowly started walking away from the bus. My shoes clicked over the parking lot as I walked the rest of the way out of the cement and down a patch of grass. I stepped onto the first gray walkway of the many ones littering the venue.

I hopped once again onto another section of grass and fell into a steady, downhill walk. Hardly anyone else was around; only a few technicians and stagehands and people who worked for Warped and the amphitheater.

Crossing another cement footpath, I turned and walked into the parking lot that went all the way around the venue, around the back where things were set up and awaiting the concert later today. I tossed my hair over my shoulder, taking in the area around me.

Another cement path was at edge of the stage, just barely beneath the giant rooftop above the theater. The final winding lane led from one edge of the venue, to the other side, stretching between the stage with its protected area for the audience and the grassy place where the rest of the Warped goers would be sitting.

A red railing went along the right side, in front of the grass sitting place. On the left, a waist high wall spawned from the hundreds of seats, a red railing around the edge of that as well, to keep the fans from falling and obtaining a concussion at they very least.

I started along this particular walk, watching the cement pass beneath my feet. The further I walked, the louder the VersaEMERGE song became. But, closer to the stage, I realized there wasn’t music with it. Sierra Kusterbeck was singing alone, a cappella.

I glanced up and saw I had reached the middle of the seating area. I pulled myself up onto the wall and scaled the railing to the other side, slipping into the nailed-down seat nearest me. I slumped into the chair comfortably, and looked at the stage.

Sierra’s band mates sat at their designated spots with their instruments, but were watching Sierra as they waited for their turn to join in the sound check. A sound person yelled something I couldn’t make out and Sierra stopped singing.

The guitarist at her side laughed, and she smacked the back of his head.

I snorted. It reminded me of the boys in a way… Didn’t I come to talk to Max? I promised Ghost I was going to. I felt a little guilty. I wasn’t doing what I swore to my dog and I actually felt remorseful about it. As silly as that sounds, the dog was right. I did need to see him.

Ghost, my baby. And Kit Kat… I missed her. My big, lazy Boxer was on the other side of the country, sitting in my father’s house, wondering where her loving mother and her puppy and her gay uncles were. I should call Dad later, too. I hadn’t checked up on Kit Kat not once since the tour began. A terrible mother I was.

“Juliet?”

I glanced over my shoulder, my eyes landing on messy brunette hair bobbing in the walkway. Holding the back of my chair, I twisted around to me knees and peered down at the person… Standing below me was Max, wearing the same outfit from the day we went jogging together. My heart leapt and a smile grew inevitably on my face.

He looked like he had woken up only minutes before coming to the stage. He smiled once he realized it was me and stepped closer. “What are you doing over there? The first concert isn’t until nine.”

I smiled back, brightly. “I’m watching VersaEMERGE do sound check. They’re actually very good.” I reached through the space in the railing and touched his hair. “You want to come sit with me? I don’t want to be alone.”

Max grabbed the rail and heaved himself onto the tiny uplift, throwing his leg surprisingly gracefully over the barricade and dropped into the seat beside me. I turned back around to face forward.

Max shifted himself until he was comfortable, then turned his eyes at me. Slowly, he put a hand on my cheek and leaned forward, his lips meeting mine. My body tingled as I placed my own plam flat down on his shoulder, tilting my head--

Where is our relationship? That made me break from his soft mouth.

Max made a face. “You okay?” he whispered. That damned question. Even coming from Max’s mouth, it sent a tiny trill of anger over my bones. Let it go. Let it go.

“I’m fine.” I sucked in a breath of fresh air, letting it take effect in my tight lungs. “But, I was about to come talk to you. I need to ask you something.” At the horrified look he sent me, I added, “It’s nothing bad! I just need to ask you a question.”

“Ask me anything.” Before I could respond, he held up his hand. “Unless it’s about you second guessing what happened yesterday, or if you don’t love me. If that’s it, I don’t want to hear it. Don’t say anything, I’ll get the message.”

He was… babbling, and he actually sounded upset. That should have been enough of answer for me. I was stubborn though, and I had to ask, even with the awful sound of Max’s voice echoing in my ears. I couldn’t said ’never mind’ either, because Max would think it was one of this frightened guesses.

I surveyed the empty chairs all around us. The stage was silent still, Sierra standing with her microphone in her hand, watching the sound guy mess with a panel of shining buttons and notches. He had his hand held up, silently saying, ’Just one more minute.’

The silence rang in my ears and I could feel Max’s gaze on me. I begged for VersaEMERGE to start playing again, just to block out this nerve-wracking
silence.

“Where are we now?” I held my breath, my hands gripping my knees. My knuckles turned white with my force, so I let up just a bit, but I remained not breathing. I feared if I did, I would breakdown and beg him to tell me what I wanted to hear, not the truth.

Whatever the truth was, my version of the correct answer couldn’t be the same thing he would say. Then why did he sound so desperate a second ago? I am not the only one how had it bad.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Max incline his head a little bit. “Where?”

“You said you loved me yesterday--” I tugged nervously at the hem of my purple cotton shirt. “--but where does that leave us? Are we together now?” I finally forced myself to look at him, meet his beautiful gaze.

He looked confused, not angry or mad or upset. He was only questioning my words, and I did not blame him. It sounded like we were in high school again, like we were lusty, fucking stupid teenagers, now that I dwelled on it.

We were not little anymore. We were twenty somethings, not adolescents, and there was no reason for me to be acting like this and asking unnecessary questions to him.

Max grabbed my hand, interlacing our fingers. He glanced around, at the emptiness surrounding us. He took a long, deep breath. “You are fucking complicated, you know that?” he laughed, making my heart thud.

I knew that; it wasn’t the first time someone said the exact same thing. No surprise. Complicated might as well have been my middle name, not that I strived to be such, and not that I had always been that way.

Once, I didn’t care about reassurance. Then Ronnie showed up.

Now, I wasn’t a girl who could deal with not having proof, especially when it came to relationships, and love. It may end up being my downfall, but I craved having things straight forward. Max had to understand that.

“I know,” I murmured leaning closer to him. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop it.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, flat out without any room for arguing. I did not like being ordered around, but something about Max telling me what to do made the oddest longing sweep over my body.

I was a fucking sick person. I loved everything about this man, even the part I should have hated, the quirks that should have flared up my sensitive temper. But I didn’t! What was wrong with me?

Better yet, how did Max get away with murder? The things I despised in Ronnie -- I was beginning to realize -- I enjoyed in Max. Thought we hadn’t been in contact long enough for me to note all the things he was doing now.

The drinking, telling me what to do, playing with my heart for a brief period of time, being a shallow ass.

“Please don’t order me around,” I said defiantly. “I’m not a little girl and you’re not Ronnie.”

Suddenly, Max grabbed my hips and yanked me forward, my stomach pressing flush against the arm separating our chairs from one another. I choked back a gasp and my hands flew down to overlap his; I felt his fingertips gripping the skin of my sides.

“You want to know where we are?” he asked, his voice lowered to a whisper. His eyes glittered and the smile on his face was beautiful.

I nodded twice, pressing my lips together. He was either trying to be intimidating or sexy, and neither were working in the way I’m sure he wanted them to. My guess, he was trying to be the big, bad boy that every girl wanted.

Wasn’t having the intended effect on me.

“You’re mine now.” Max let go of me, seeing my amusement. “I’ve waited four fucking years to say that and I’m not waiting anymore. You’re mine and I’m not letting you go.”

Aww! My heart lept, we were confirmed. I had no more reason to worry! Beaming, I wound my hands into his hair and crashed our mouths together. He slipped his own hands around the back of my neck, pushing me closer, tilting his head. His tongue forced through my lips. ****

“Hello!”

Max and I snapped away from each other. My eyes flashed to the stage, where Sierra was waving in our direction. I cupped my hands around my mouth. “Yeah?” I yelled.

“How does the microphone sound back there?” Sierra asked, her voice echoing through the venue. “Good, bad, perfect?”

In an answer, I threw them a thumbs up. Sierra and the rest of the band turned away, seeming content with my reply. The sound guy closed up shop on one side of the panel and went to the second section stuck beneath the stage, signaling the guitarist to start.

Loud, rhythmic riffs filled the theater from the guy’s electric guitar. He played for only a second before the sound guy told the others to join in as a full band. It was loud and echoed, but the son was slow… like our own theme music.

I glanced at Max, just as another question popped into my head. “Do you promise to not break my heart? Be nothing like Ronnie and… no abuse.” I patted his cheek with my palm. “I adore you, Max, more than anyone else. Don’t make me change my mind.”

Max laced our fingers together. “Promise.” He pecked my mouth very softly. “I’ll never do anything Ronnie would have done to you… Unless it’s something you want me to do… to… you.”

I giggled, rolling my eyes. “One more question -- why did you act so weird when Craig said we could have sex together?” I sent him a scrutinizing look.

“You’re intimidating,” he muttered, resting against the back of his seat. He lowered his eyes to our interlocked hands. “And I doubted you would want to talk about sex with me. I mean, I know you have a problem, after what Ronnie did.”

Chest clenching in horror, I decided this was not the path I wanted to go down as a conversation. Nothing to do with Ronnie, nothing to do with all the things he did to scar me for life on many, various levels, both mentally and physically.

I waved my hand about in front of my face, closing the conversation, and settled closer to Max, pressing my shoulder to his and touching our hands with my fingertips.

“How was that?” Sierra’s voice said from the stage.

Eyes shifting over to Max’s face, I smiled. “Perfect.”

X X X X

Three minutes before the end of VersaEMERGE’s set, my cell phone began vibrating in my back pocket. Craning around to avoid the full blast of the music, I pulled my phone out and accepted, pressing it to my ear.

“Hello?” I answered as there was a break in the song. On the other side, I heard rustling, like someone was moving around or ruffling papers in front of the receiver. Beyond that, there was an erratic ticking.

A keyboard and paper. It was not hard to guess who it was.

“Rachel?”

The rustling stopped. “Piper!” Rachel called gleefully. “I’m so happy you picked up! I got your message--” She paused.

Sierra was talking into the microphone, saying something about the next song -- the last song -- they were going to play. Shit. Only a few minutes would elapse between VersaEMERGE’s last song and Escape the Fate’s entrance on the stage.

I refused to talk on the phone while the boys were playing. That seemed much too disrespectful, and I wanted to give them my undivided attention.

“Where are you?” Rachel finally asked.

“I’m waiting for Escape the Fate’s set.” I stepped out of the way of someone’s stage manager. “Sorry if it’s loud. Do you want me to call you back later, after the set, so you can hear me? It might be easier--”

“No, this will only take a second.” She began pecking on her computer again. “Tell me, Piper, what did you want to warn me about?” Again, she stopped and said, not to me, “I’m on the phone. Come back later.”

I peeked at the stage. VersaEMERGE was beginning their last song. Speeding this conversation up would be nice; the boys would be on in no time.

“I want to warn you about my interview with Havoc.” I grimaced. “The one you said I would absolutely do, no matter what, and I ended getting stuck with some psycho drug addict. Thank you about that, by the way.”

The tapping stopped. “Sorry.” Then continued.

Yeah, of course you are. I propped the bottom of my sandal against a folding chair collapsed on the ground beside me. If she knew all of the details of the drug addict and why it was horrible, she would be singing a different, more concerned tune.

She knew and had met Josh at Buzznet before, but I was the only person, it seemed, to know about his night job. She probably wouldn’t believe me, my luck, even though she had the reputation of sticking up for her employees.

That’s not why you’re on the phone with her! Remember that.

“In that interview, I said that Max and I are together.” As Sierra sang out a powerful, earsplitting note, I held my breath, my free hand balling into a nervous fist against my thigh. She was going to be pissed.

Rachel’s side of the phone fell dead silent. I could hear the talk of Buzznet workers in the background and the hum of her ancient desktop computer modem. I didn’t think she was breathing, and if she was, it was nearly inaudible.

I remained quiet as well, letting her make the first statement before I got myself into even more trouble than I already was. To occupy myself, I watched the band, focusing on the lyrics and the music.

They sounded very good live. Sierra’s voice was strong and glorious on this song in particular, though I couldn’t pick out the name of the song at all. Researching their music once back in the RV, after I called my father, wouldn’t hurt considering my job.

Rachel let out a loud, long breath, bringing me back to my cell. A few more moments of silence passed, and she spoke again. “I thought those were just rumors.”

“They were.” I raked my hand through my hair. “Last night, Max and I started dating.”

“What about Ronnie?”

“I’ll break up with him after Warped.” Despite myself, I grinned. I loved that statement, more than anything on the face of the planet. I’ll break up with Ronnie after Warped. In a little less than two months, I would be a free woman.

To do as I pleased with Max, my new main squeeze, without the shadow of Ronnie looming over us like a threatening monster. Bastard.

“And this makes you happy?”

I answered without thinking twice. “Beyond happy, Rachel.”

“I won’t judge you, then.” Surprising. “All I will say is that it could end badly, getting involved with your client, Piper. Be prepared; he might break your heart.”

No, he won’t. “Okay. I understand.”

“Okay. Goodbye, Piper. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Goodbye.” I hung up and stuffed my phone in my pocket, turning back to the stage. I was surprised to see VersaEMERGE was gone and the boys were shuffling onto the stage from the side opposite of which I stood on.

Max sent me a smile as he stepped in front of his microphone, throwing his bass strap over his neck and shoulders. The others got in their places, and Craig grabbed his microphone, immediately launching into a greeting speech.

“How amazing was that last band?” he yelled, followed by a loud cheer. “And that lead singer. She’s cute.”

I shook my head, smiling. They were such dorks…

“Craig,” Max said into his mic, glancing across at the lead singer. “Can I say something before you get involved with rambling?”

Craig flipped him off, but gestured for him to go on.

Max glanced at me again. What the fuck is he doing?

“For all those jackasses out there making rumors, I want you to know that Juliet is my girlfriend now, so stop running your mouths! She’s not a slut, or a heartbreaker, or anything else. Shut up and leave her out of your shit.”

One day of being my boyfriend, and he was already better than Ronnie.

X X X X

The shadows passing by the kitchenette window inside the RV revealed Devin and Stefan had woken up while I was at VersaEMERGE and Escape the Fate’s sets. I didn’t want to go inside and have them eavesdropping on my phone call with my father, whom they did not have nice feelings for.

Digging my heels into the concrete, I halted to a stop at the front door and turned just in time to see Max come around the corner of the nearest bus, hands stuffed in his pockets. He raised his eyebrows in surprise at me.

“What are you doing?” He stopped a few steps ahead of me, leaning back on the balls of his heels.

I pulled my cell phone from my back pocket and pressed in my father’s phone number. “Calling Dad,” I said, lifting the top to my ear. It rang once. Twice.

“You know, I’ve never met your dad before.” Max made a face.

“Lucky you,” I muttered.

Three times -- there was a click. “Hello?”

“Dad?” I asked.

“Piper?”

I sighed, catching Max’s eye contact and holding it. “Yes, it’s me, Dad. Can I talk to you for a few minutes? You aren’t busy, are you?” If he says he’s on a date, I’m hanging up. Just hanging up. “I-I can wait to talk to you tomorrow if you are.”

“I’m not busy.” A man of few words he was. I had almost forgotten.

Max leaned against the aluminum siding beside me, slippin ghis arm around my waist. Carefully, he pulled me into warm side and kissed my temple.

“How is Kit Kat?” I cuddled close to him.

“Good. Sleeping right now.”

I looked up at the blue skies overhead. “I want you to know that I have a new boyfriend, and it’s not Ronnie. I’m… dumping Ronnie after tour.”

Max’s head snapped down to look at me. I hadn’t told him yet…

There was silence, then, Dad laughed. “Piper, I’ve never been more proud of you.”

Max must have heard it, because he said, “Neither have I.”