Playing Russian Roulette.

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy, are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom, winter’s kept you.
Don’t waste your whole life trying to get back what was taken away.
-The Offspring.

I jolted awake, drenched in a cold sweat, my hair sticking to my cheeks and the back of my neck. Swiftly, I took in my surroundings, my heart clamoring in my chest, my fear slowly subsiding. I was still in my bunk, my pink and green blanket covering my stomach and legs. The curtain was closed, shielding me from the rest of the RV.

Ghost was barking somewhere in the living area. Everything else was dead silent. Cars were racing by along the street; and that was where the sound had come from. The sound that woke me from my deep dreamless sleep was not a shotgun at all.

But merely a car backfiring nearby.

I laughed warily at myself. I actually had images of angry drug addicts busting into the motor home and killing us in our sleep on orders from Josh, their jacked up leader, because I refused to supply money for their kicks.

Or the druggies breaking into Escape the Fate’s tour bus and killing Max, the boys, and Leila…oh, and Gabrielle, of course. I did not know which was worse, honestly.

I collapsed back onto my three fluffy pillows, yanking my blanket up over my chest and arms, and rolled onto my side. The window in my bunk held no light, only darkness, and I groaned in absolute annoyance.

Yet another morning when I was up before the sun. Stupid insomnia; stupid drugs that brought on the insomnia! When the hell would my body get back to normal? When could I sleep an entire night without any problem?

It may take several months, my rehab doctor had said. But, on the occasion that you do stay awake, go for a jog. Exercise is crucial in recovery.

Therefore, I could go for a jog around Houston, Texas, or just the venue, in the dark if it would help my recovery. Then I would take a shower on arrival back to the RV and prepare for a busy day of flaunting and marriage proposals… and possibly flirting with Max in some weird way.

I tossed the blanket off my body and slid carefully out of my bunk. A light above the couch -- where Ghost was sitting -- provided a margin of illumination in the dim RV. It helped me seen as I grabbed my bag from the top bunk and plunked it down on the kitchen counter.

After some rifling in the duffle bag, I found a pink athletic racer back tank top. That would be perfect! I dove my hand back in, searching for any kind of shorts that would be comfortable to run in. My fingertips brushed something cotton and short, so I yanked them out.

I cringed. They were short; the skimpiest thing I owned. Nevertheless, really, who would see me at five in the morning? No one. So the shorts would not be seen; I was safe.

I trudged into the bathroom and stripped my pajamas off, letting them fall to the clean tiled flooring. I pulled on the tank first, adoring how it made my boobs look, and grimaced as I tugged the shorts on.

They looked even shorter once they were on. They barely covered my ass! Again, who will see me at five in the morning?! I threw my hair into a ponytail and brushed my teeth speedily before exiting the room, turning the light off as I left.

I stuffed my feet into a pair of black Vans and slipped back down the tiny hallway. I peered around the corner into the mast bedroom. The lights were off, all except a small lamp on the nightstand. I could just barely see Devin and Stefan cuddled close to each other beneath the blankets.

“I’ll be right back,” I breathed, smiling. They looked cute, like always. They were even loving in their sleep.

I turned on my heel, fighting back tears. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or food or something, but I wanted to go in a corner somewhere and cry about my lack of love and attention. Usually it didn’t bother me; I was used to watching everyone else have love while I had nothing, but…

It was probably due to recent events, because I knew now that I actually was in love with Max, and I knew there was no way I could date him. Not to mention I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t. Why would I?

Yeah, he had looks. And he was acting like a nice guy. But I thought Ronnie was a good person when we first started dating, too. It took seven months for me to realize how wrong I had been in my assumption.

I wanted to. I wanted to be called his girl, to have him hug me and to fall asleep in his arms like I saw everyone else do so often. I wanted it all, the beautiful dream relationship I fantasized about. And, on a different note, I wanted to have sex with someone who wasn’t drunk or high, or both!

I wanted to have sex out of love, not lust because of intoxication and narcotics.

Who was I kidding? Max more than likely already had a girlfriend anyway. And what would make him be in love with me over a year?

Nobody touches my girl but me. That was just a decoy to protect me from Josh. You look great just like that. Robert, Bryan, and Craig would have said the same thing. It meant nothing.

I dug the palms of my hangs into my eyes, wiping the tears away from my lashes, and drug my feet into the living room. No boy was worth tears of any kind.

Ghost’s tail smacked against the couch. I glanced up at him.

“Hey, Ghost. You want to come with me? I’m going for a walk.” I tried to make it sound like it was something exciting, but the dog saw right through it. He turned around so his back was facing me. I rolled my eyes. “You are just as lazy as your mother.”

I shuffled the rest of the way to the front and walked down the three steps, grabbing the doorknob at the bottom. I pushed it open.

To my surprise, my eyes fell upon Max. He was standing in front of Escape the Fate’s -- how did we keep ending up parked beside them? -- open tour bus door, light spilling out. In the illumination, he looked like some kind of rocker God, covered in necklaces and rings, a leather jacket and black capris and a black Cannibal Corpse t-shirt.

He blew out a puff of smoke from his cigarette and glanced up at me. Creepily enough, he looked me up and down with hunger in his eyes, like I was a juicy piece of steak and he hadn’t eaten in weeks.

I bet he looks like that at his actual girlfriend.

“Good morning,” I greeted, stepping down into the darkness and fighting away my urge to sob. I shut the door behind me. “What are you doing up so early?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he answered. His eyes raked up and down my body again. “What are you doing up in that -- those?” His gaze landed on my shorts.

I coerced a half smile to my lips. “I am going for a jog. Want to come?”

He tilted his head. “Did you really just ask that? Have you seen me run, Piper?”

“Yes, I have. You run like your pants are too tight.” I giggled. “Or, at least you did in the video for Something. I figured it was just the tight zebra capris, though.”

“Nope.” Max laughed. Obviously, he knew the exact scene I was talking about. “That’s how I run. Sexy, huh? It looks like a coked up penguin.”

I leaned my back against the RV door, crossing my arms over my chest. I shook my head. “It’s very sexy, and looks nothing like a coked up penguin.” I snatched the cigarette from between his fingers and dropped it to the ground, crushing it beneath my shoe. “Now, come with me. Please?”

He slammed the bus door. “Fine.” He sounded irritated, but he was smiling. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I run very slowly.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll slow down if you get too far behind,” I teased. “Besides, don’t you think we should talk? We haven’t had an actual conversation in a fucking year. I miss talking to you.” I miss your lips; I miss how you say my name.

Max grabbed my hand and interlaced our fingers together. “Just drag me. I’ll follow.”

I turned, gripping his hand. My heart thudded against my ribs; my throat went dry. His fingers felt rough against my small delicate ones. His grip was strong; his skin was warm. The contact of our skin made all my body parts quiver with delight.

I swept my gaze around the venue. Streetlamps lit the front section of the site, where various groups of people were camping out, some already awake and taking pictures and videos. One group in particular caught my eye. Seven girls were standing together, all wearing Escape the Fate shirts.

Aw! They were loyal!

“I found your fans,” I whispered, letting him fall into step beside me. “They’re supporting the best band at Warped.”

“Suck up.”

“Am not!” I glanced quickly up at him. He looked down and gave me a sexy half smile, making my heart melt. “Wo--uh--would you like to go say hello? Give them pictures and all that jazz? We have to pass by them anyway, and I doubt they’ll not notice you.”

Max shrugged one shoulder. Since he refused to give a straight answer, I carted him over to the girls. I knew they would be delighted! Escape the Fate fans were awesome and hardcore loyal. My years of seeing Ronnie with them proved that to me various times.

Unless they were the type of fans that picked sides. I cringed. Would they be on team Max or team Ronnie? I hoped they were on neither, that they were not those types of fans. Those I did not like, and never would.

Or the ones that hated Craig. There was no reason to hate him! He was talented and amazing and sweet. Why hate that?

I decided not to risk it and veered up to the right. We could jog around the parking lot, safe from curious eyes and possible misinterpreted photos. How would that look to Rachel? Or Ronnie if he was looking?

Two friends stalking around in the dark at five in the morning, holding hands. Max looking perfect and sexy, me looking like a hooker with my ass hanging out. Rachel would rip me a new asshole if such pictures were released on the internet.

Don’t fall in love with your client. Well, it was a little late for that now! I was already head over mother fucking heels for Max and it felt impossible to get my feet back on the ground.

“Let’s jog around the tour buses,” I suggested, separating our hands. The tingling sensation that wracked my entire body flew to my hand; I wiped it on my shirt and headed for a little sign that said ‘Private Parking’.

That would be our starting point. I peeked over my shoulder at Max as I came to a stop. He was directly behind me, his eyes lowered toward my… backside.

I quickly twisted around and pressed my back against the sign. “Are you going to try to keep up?” I asked, tugging the back of my shorts further over my butt.

“I’ll try.” But I knew he had no intention to. That look of lust was back and I was well aware that he had the full intention of walking behind me to stare at my revealed skin.

Ha ha. At least he thinks I have a nice body.

I pivoted and launched myself forward in a steady, rather slow trot across the blacktop. I went several steps before looking over my shoulder to make sure he was actually behind me. He was, but he wasn’t jogging.

He had his hands in his pockets and was following behind in a leisurely walk.

I smiled at him.

“So, you wanted to talk,” Max said, breaking the silence. “About what?”

“Anything,” I answered.

“Then do you mind if I ask a question.”

“Of course not.”

“How’s Ronnie?”

The question caught me off guard. I stumbled over my own feet, almost toppling to the cement, but Max grabbed the back of my shirts and yanked me back into a standing position. I steadied myself before starting my pace again.

How was Ronnie? I didn’t necessarily want to answer it.

“He was fine when I visited him a week before tour. He keeps getting into fights, but he’s okay.” I sighed. I wanted to throw up, just double over and empty the contents of my nauseous stomach. Why did people keep bringing him up?

The thought of him always managed to kill my joy!

“We had a fight at the visit… and our relationship is questionable right now.” I shook my head, looking toward the ground. “I hate him, Max. He was actually trying to stop me from doing this job, and he knows this is what I’ve always wanted to do.”

“Why did he try to stop you?” He quickened his stride and fell into step beside me.

“He didn’t want me being around the band,” I muttered. “But I told him it was what I wanted to do, and I still liked everyone. It wasn’t your fault that Ronnie got thrown in jail, so why the fuck did he keep acting like it?”

Max stopped. I dug my heels into the ground and stopped as well. He looked about as sick as I felt.

I gently touched the side of his face. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” He refused to meet my gaze. “Can… I tell you something, Juliet? Just between us and no one else?”

I seized his wrist in my hand and walked over to the fence blocking the parking lot from the building beside it. I sank down to the ground, dragging Max with me.

He leaned his head against the metal.

I sighed. I felt hesitant to say anything. What if it was something I didn’t want to know, something that could kill my adoration of him? “Tell me anything.”

“Would it be weird if I said I sometimes I feel responsible for Ronnie’s arrest? I mean, he was defending me in the fight.” He finally glanced at me. “I feel guilty about it. Ronnie thought he had to defend me? What the hell gave him that idea?”

I rested my head against the fence. What would give him that idea? Ronnie always felt obligated to protect the ones he loved when he was sober and had the capacity to care. He had done so at my expense many, many times, despite my constant objections.

It was easy to guess that the fighting would land him somewhere bad one day. And it had. Surprising? No. Did being prepared ease the pain when it actually happened? Not at all. It almost made it worse.

I couldn’t imagine myself in Max’s position. If the fight had been about me, the guilt would have made me kill myself shortly afterwards. But, if Max felt the same way I would, he hid it so well.

“Would it be weird if I said I sometimes blame myself, too?” I bit my lip. “I--I knew about… the fight. But I didn’t think he was going to go through with it! I could have stopped him, but I didn’t. I sat at home with Kit Kat, trusting my boyfriend was smarter than that.”

Max slipped an arm around my waist and dragged me across the cement into his side. I instinctively curled closer to him.

“It’s not your fault,” he whispered.

“It’s not your fault, either. We did not make him do anything. He’s a big boy, he makes his own decisions.” I took a deep breath. If the conversation kept on like this, the tears I so desperately kept trying to hide would eventually show themselves.

I refuse to cry in front of him!

“Now, enough about bad things! What about you? Are you dating anyone?” Ha. Like that was a good question to make my need to sob go away.

“No.”

All at once, I no longer felt sad or upset. I wanted to jump up and dance and scream to the world how much I loved Max. He was single! He didn’t have a girlfriend!

Ha. Ha ha! I still had a chance to be with him, to touch him.

But, dammit. My promise to myself that I wouldn’t date anymore musicians… or anyone who could potentially be anything like Ronnie. My promise to myself that I wouldn’t date Max of all people!

“Really?” I tried to mask my happiness. “What about that heroin addled gutter slut? You two were pretty into each other for a while. I don’t remember her name, though. Slutty? No, Sassy?”

Max laughed, flipping his hair from his eyes. “Saskia?”

“Yes, that’s it!” Ooh. I remembered that girl. She hated my guts for no apparent reason.

“I dumped her a while back,” Max said. “We’re still good friends. Just… not best friends like we used to be.”

“Why did you dump her?”

“Because she was a heroin addled gutter slut!”

I bit down on the knuckle of my index finger. Poor Saskia for being dumped and single, but never had I been so happy that someone had their heart broken. That opened up so many doors, so many levels of what could happen between Max and me.

Screw my promise not to date him or any other musician! He was worth breaking a few pledges, especially if it meant I could possibly receive the relationship I always dreamed about.

I could never like you, Piper! That Max was gone.

“Can I ask you something else?”

“Always,” I answered, my smile still visible. I could not get it to go away! I was simply too happy, and it amazed me in the best of ways.

“How have you been?” His expression turned completely serious.

I furrowed my brows. “Fi--”

He cut me off, raising his hand. “No. How have you really been? None of that ‘fine’ bullshit. Tell me the truth.”

“Who told you?” I breathed, horror rising into my chest. I had no plans on uttering a syllable of the passed years’ events to the boys. They did not need to know.

I almost got up and walked away. I came so close to standing up and leaving Max on the ground to go back to the RV and pretend the conversation never happened, pretend I never happened, that it was scary. Thankfully, a part of me stopped my limbs from cooperating.

I looked in desperation at Max. He tilted his head and stuck out his bottom lip, his hand swiping a lock of hair from my line of vision.

“Please tell me.”

“But…but--” I couldn’t tell him! He would think I was a helpless weak bitch who couldn’t handle an ounce of stress. It would make him think less of me, and… I didn’t want him to! “You’ll think I’m terrible.”

“Yeah, ha!” He laughed loudly, “I will never hear something that makes you sound terrible, Juliet. Please just tell me.” He folded my bony hand in his slightly larger one. “Devin said you have had a bad year, and I want to know what happened.”

“Goddammit, fine!” I smacked my free hand on my knee and blew out a long, angry breath. I already felt worried, unsure of whether he would actually stay true to his word and not think I was horrid. Dammit! Anything! I would give anything to change the subject!

Max turned his entire body toward me, slumping his shoulders forward to lean closer to me. He was hanging on my explanation, he wanted to know what was wrong with me.

Because he cared?… I had no idea.

“A year ago, after our… fight… and after Ronnie went to jail, I was having a really hard time dealing with anything, everything. The tiniest thing sent me over the edge and I cried myself to sleep on a regular basis. Then, some dipshit doctor diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder.”

So far so good. I wasn’t crying or sobbing yet, and I wasn’t mad. I pulled at a string on my shirt absently, trying to distract myself for the oncoming bad part of the story.

“In place of antidepressants, he gave MDMA -- erm, Ecstasy. I took it and I actually got addicted to it, because it made everything so much better. I mean, I felt like I was in hell. You and me weren’t talking, I was alone, living in a crappy apartment because I couldn’t pay the rent for the house without Ronnie, and I lost contact with Robert and Monte.”

My voice broke toward the end of Bryan’s name. I tried to pretend it didn’t happen and went on.

“I had nothing. Nothing! Except drugs and they made things better, so I kept taking them. And they changed me. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I started having an attitude and snapping at everyone and I just couldn’t control it.”

“What made you stop?” Max finally spoke up.

“Devin and Stefan found out what I was doing and they forced me to get help. I went into Spencers’ Recovery Center for an entire month, only being let out to see Ronnie every Wednesday. I got clean and when I came home, Dev and Stefan had bought a townhouse for me and painted and furnished everything so I wouldn’t be living on the streets any longer.”

I rested my head against the fence, shaking my head. My breathing was hitched in my throat; I couldn’t get enough air to quench the painful burning my chest, like I had run an entire marathon.

But, I had to admit, it felt a lot better telling someone outside of Devin and Stefan what happened. I got it off my chest, off my shoulders, and it felt good.

Max didn’t say a word.

I pulled my hand from his and drew my legs to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and leaning my left cheek on my knees so I could still see Max.

He scooted closer to me.

“You have changed,” he agreed quietly, laying his hand on the small of my back. “But I don’t think it’s necessarily in a bad way. You seem o be confident and more independent.”

“Confident?” I laughed. “Have you lost your mind? I will never be confident, Max. Never. And what do you mean independent? That makes even less sense.”

Max turned his head to side and stared up at the starry sky. “You seem like you won’t let people push you around anymore, like Ronnie did.” Like you did. “Like you can stand up for yourself now. And now you have a good job and your own house.”

Looks like Juliet is finally growing up. That’s what Robert meant by that statement! It wasn’t anything bad after all, just genuine happiness that I had a life of my own now.

I looked up at the sky, too. The stars shone surprisingly bright above Houston. The moon was only a dim crescent, hanging almost directly above Max and my heads. It looked out of place among the span of beautiful, vivid dots littering all around.

“You’ve changed, too,” I murmured. “You’re much nicer and you don’t sleep until noon anymore, and you are sweet with Leila! I always thought you hated kids.”

“No, I hate the annoying kids. The cute ones I like.” He glanced quickly at me.

I smiled. “See, there’s a change. I know for a fact the old Max Green wouldn’t have babysat a baby -- who cries and requires constant attention -- a year ago.”

“I was a different person a year ago, Piper.” He picked at the threads holding together a hole in his capris. He suddenly sounded sad. “I’m sorry I treated you like shit. I didn’t mean any of it. I was trying to save my own ass; I didn’t think it would make you believe you were a bad person or hurt your self esteem.”

He was echoing everything I told Gabrielle! Had she told him against my wishes?! Oh, hell would be to fucking pay!

“I saw the video on Buzznet,” he explained. I must have looked as confused as I felt.

“What video?” I questioned.

“Where you and Gabrielle were talking.” The goddamn camera had been on! Devin was a sneaky bastard!

“Oh… you heard all of that?” Snippets of what I said flooded back to me. I adore Max. I have always thought he was cute. But I also hated myself for still adoring him. I wanted to sink into the ground and disappear.

He actually heard everything I said. He knew I liked him! And I was at a loss, because I didn’t know if he liked me! It was an unfair advantage.

The sun was peaking over the horizon. Everyone would be waking up soon and going off to start the day, and I needed to be ready. Quickly, I rose from the concrete, gripping the fence for support.

“I need to get ready for today,” I told him. “I’m going to be busy.”

“What do you have to do?” Max stood up as well, brushing off the seat of his capris.

“I have to watch the Forever the Sickest Kids set, and I promised to help Craig at the merchandise tents.” Kill Devin, then shoot his corpse. “Robert wants me to settle something about a Playstation 3 game.” Set his body on fire. “Take Ghost for a walk.” Laugh hysterically all the while.

Max put his hands in his leather jacket’s pockets. “Mind if I tag along? I have nothing better to do.”

“I don’t mind.” …Like a date…

X X X X

Upon arrival back to our buses, we separated, Max to tell everyone he would be with me if he was needed, and me to shower and get dressed. Everything in the RV was the same; Devin and Stefan were still asleep, Ghost was still laying on the couch, and there was not a single sound besides the ones I was making.

I threw my head back, downing the water and my birth control pill in a single swoop. I tossed the empty paper cup into the trash can beside the bathroom counter and glanced at myself in the mirror.

The girl looking back at me was still the same plain-looking girl I had come to hate. My black hair still hung the same way, I still had the same pale skin, my one-sided bangs still curved over my right eye, the brown one.

What was so different now? What made people turn to look at me when I was still the same girl? And what the hell did Max Green see in me that made him… stare like he did? With his looks, he could have any girl he wanted, but I was the girl he held hands with, the one he wanted to spend the day with.

Ugh! I wanted to see me as everyone else saw me. See and meet the Juliet that they wanted to marry and that guys fantasized about and who got comments on her Buzznet account saying things like, “You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.”

Because I didn’t see her.

I saw Piper Oakes, the ex drug addict. I saw… me.

I yanked my hair from it’s ponytail, letting it fall to my shoulders. Still nothing. I turned away from the reflection and rid myself of my clothing, letting the articles fall to the tiled floors, the last being my purple bra.

I opened the glass door of the shower, turned the knob, and watched water spray down from the head. Once the water was steaming, I slipped in and shut the door behind me.

The scalding water splashed over my body, streaming down my chest and soaking my long hair. I scrubbed my scalp with lavender shampoo and washed my body with something called Ivory that Devin brought. The sweet smell swirled all around me as the bubbles tingled at my skin.

It smelled so nice and the scent was extremely strong.

I tossed the sponge to the shelf on the side and glanced down. I watched the suds spiral down into the drain, willing all my bad, negative thoughts to go with it. When my skin was soap free, I turned the water off and wrapped a fluffy, white towel around my torso.

I padded across the floor, dripping droplets of aromatic water as I went, and opened the bathroom door, sliding out into the living area.

Robert and Max were sitting on the couch in the living room, and Devin stood at the kitchen counter, drinking from a red mug and looking like he wanted to go back to bed.

I smiled brightly. “Good morning, boys.”

They looked up. Max and Robert’s eyes swept over me, taking in every inch of my bare skin, while Devin nodded and sipped his drink.

“Oh, forgive my sinful thoughts,” Robert called. “If I didn’t have a girlfriend, Julie!”

I flipped him off, snorting. “Keep your perverted thoughts to yourself, Rob.” I grabbed my clothes bag and tossed it across the room to Devin. It landed at their feet. “Pick out my clothes, Dev. Please?”

“Are your thongs in there?” Robert questioned, leaning off the couch to look.

“Perv!” I sang. “And no. They are in this bag--” I snatched a beach bag from the top bunk. “--but you will never see inside this!”

I returned to the bathroom, pulling on a red bra and blue panties -- no thongs, because I refused to complete Robert’s weird fantasies -- and moved back into the hallway. Devin held out a stack of clothes, a grin on his face.

I raised an eyebrow as I took them from his arms.

“Max and Robert decided they would be the judge of your outfit,” Devin said, picking up his mug from the counter again. “If it’s not hot enough, they’re making you change.”

I snorted. Boys. Wow.

But, the outfit was actually pretty nice. A dark wash faded blue jean mini skirt, a green halter top, and my favorite pair of red stilettos. The boys sang their praises, saying they loved how much skin it showed, and I rolled my eyes as I went to dry my hair.