Bat Country

Time had never passed as slowly as it did from the second I got back home. To say I was losing my mind wouldn't be enough but I have no other words to describe what I was going through waiting for her. I couldn't think of anything, I couldn't do anything, I couldn't eat anything, I couldn't drink anything; couldn't do anything but think of her.

You know how in movies and stories when something like that happens there are always memories of the two people? Well I was trying to remember all the good times I had with her but all that came to my mind was the fights, tears and yelling we've been having lately. All the damn bad times we've had; all the shit we're going through. And I just wish for a chance to make it all right, to just put this damn month that felt like a goddamn year aside and enjoy the chance I have to be with her; I just want a second chance.

When I heard the door opens I jumped off the couch and looked over it, anxious to see her face again. She quietly locked the door and walked over the living room, looking at the floor. After she put the house key on the table she looked up; that's when she saw me. I was about to say something but she was the one to make a sound first; "What are you doing here?" she looked…surprised to see me? "Waiting for you to come back home; thanks God you're alright! What took you so long?" I asked her; she just shrugged. "Weren't you supposed to fuck some whore?" she mumbled and I was shocked.

She didn't know anything. She doesn't know anything, she didn't see anything; she doesn't know anything! She…she saw me with a girl in an alley outside of a bar; I probably looked like I was kissing the girl's neck. Oh God, she thinks I cheated on her. Why would she think any other way? If I saw it I would have think the same! "I…" I started saying once I realized that I've been quiet and haven't said anything. But I had no idea what to say. "I didn't do anything I swear" I said just to realize how much of a lie that sounds. I've told her the same thing every single fight like that.

She walked past by me to the kitchen; I just stayed in my position thinking what I could say. She took a glass of water and came back to the living room. "You know what?" she drank some of it and then put it on the table, "I'm just sick of your lies, alright? I've had enough of it" She started walking away but I ran to her and hugged her as tight as I can; she didn't try to push me away, she just let me do it. She didn't hug me back but I knew she wanted to.

The moment I hugged her was the moment I knew what I need to say and what I have to do. I couldn't tell her anything, I couldn't tell her the truth and I couldn't explain what she saw. I couldn't make her believe me or forgive me. I just couldn't make anything right.

I don't know why or how but that night when we got back from tour something happened to me. I didn't mind at start because I thought I got Val back and it was all that mattered but now, now I'm wondering what the hell happened that night and why I became what I am.

All I wanted to do was stay in this hug forever, to hold her and never ever let her go. I tried to memorize the way she felt, the smell of her hair and body, the feeling of being around her; I tried to memorize her.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, I knew she was trying to hold her tears inside but then I felt something wet on my chest. I hugged her until I was completely sure I will be able to tell her everything without crying or showing any emotions. I've never meant to hurt her.

"Do you…" I started as I let go of her body. I've already missed her so much; I can't imagine my life without her. "Do you remember years ago, when we started dating? We promise each other that No matter what, when or why we will be best friends forever?" I asked her and smiled when she was reciting the words with me. "We promised that it doesn't matter what happened in this relationship we won't let it ruin our friendship. Do you remember it?"

When she nodded I felt a tear trying to get to my eye; I closed my eyes and took a few breathes before I could talk again. I have to be strong and to remember that this is the only possibility I have right now. "Could we just…forget about it?" I asked and tried my best to hold the tears. I knew she was going to ask about what so I answered before she could even open her mouth. "About that old promise of ours; I…I don't think we could stay friends" I let the words come out of my mouth without any regrets.

I knew I was throwing away the thing that makes me the happiest person in the world and I knew I am stupid for it but…I don't mind giving up my own pleasure to save her life. And today I realized that no matter how much I will try to ignore it or run away from it; there is nothing I want to do more than to drink her blood. After I killed a person like that and after today I realized that I just can't keep doing this. I have to keep distance from her or else I won't be able to control myself.

There was still so much I wanted to tell her and so many things we planned on doing together but sometimes goodbye is the only way. I couldn't stand looking into her eyes, it was too painful; but I had to. Knowing I won't be able to look into those amazing eyes ever again made me look at them and try to memorize the feeling of seeing her looking right back at me. Something in me told me to look away, told me that I don't want to remember only the way she was looking at me now; but I couldn't. I couldn't help but look into her eyes.

All I wanted to do is to forget about everything I just said and tell her the truth, to hope that she would believe me and tell her that I love her so much and don't want to live without her. And then I realized that I have no choice, I am forced now to live without her.