Bat Country

"Matt?" Val's voice reached my ears, she sounded a bit worried. We were sitting on the couch, watching TV; her head rested on my shoulder as I played with her hair. I wasn't paying much attention to the television but neither much to Val. I was just waiting for her to go to sleep so I could head out of the house.

"Yeah?" I answered and looked at her, waiting for her to talk. She looked in my eyes and I felt something was wrong. I smiled and tried to encourage her to talk, "What's the matter?" I asked with a smile on my face.

She took a deep breathe before speaking; "Listen about the whole thing before…You know". The smile got off my face; instead of the happiness I had around her I felt now sadness. All the bad feelings from the end of the tour and that mystery night were floating me inside. I forgot about the whole thing and I hoped that se did too; I didn't want to deal with it.

"Val, I love you. More than anything in this fucking world" I mean ever single word that I said and was completely serious. "And if nothing changed, I know you love me back" There was silence when I stopped talking, I looked in her eyes but had no clue what she's thinking and that made me nervous.

"Right?" I added after no one spoke for a few minutes. She kept looking at me for a bit longer and that just made my heart beat in the weirdest rhythm ever, I swear if it would have taken her one more second to answer I would have died there.

"Uhhh…" she mumbled and every second felt like a fucking hour. "Yeah, of course!" she said nodding and I breathed relaxed. "Then it doesn't matter what happened, let's just move on from here, alright?" I was still serious, trying to keep the smile on my face. This time she answered faster or maybe it only felt like that because I wasn't nervous anymore. She smiled and nodded again.

Now the happiness came back, the feeling I have around her when I forget everything that is not those hazel eyes of her. I smiled and hugged her tight, feeling her arms wrapping around me made me smile even wider. I whispered I love you in her ear and kissed her cheek as I pulled away.

We sat there together just smiling for a few minutes before anyone talked. "I'm tired" she mumbled, "Are you coming to sleep?" she asked getting up. That question shoved me back to reality and reminded me what I wanted to do tonight. "Uhh I need to go somewhere first. But you go to sleep, alright? I will be back later" I said and gave her a quick kiss before leaving, not waiting for an answer.

I got into the car and just drove, trying to figure out where I should go. I found myself outside of Brian's house. I did not know what to tell him but being there made me feel something strong inside. It would bring me closer to the answer of what the fuck happened.

When I got out of the car and walked over Brian's house I saw someone standing by Brian's door. Again images started going through my head; I saw Brian holding me as I'm trying to get out of his hold; I saw him talking to me calm as I lose any strength I had in me; I saw myself walking away over my car and I felt my heart breaking.

These feelings were something I cannot express. It was a mix of sadness, anger and heartbroken. To think I messed up things with her so badly, to think she might have hated me was the worst feeling in the world. I felt bad, I felt so fucking bad. I just wanted to cry, die; forget that day. I wanted something to take it all away from me; I wanted something to get rid of these thoughts and feelings.

Smoke smell got to my nose as I sniffed it and closed my eyes. When I opened them I realized someone was getting closer to me but I didn't care, I was so deep in the thoughts of Val, that night and what I've done to her. I was full of regrets and pain and I fucking hated myself for so many stupid things.

"Hi Matt" a familiar voice reached my ears. I looked at the man that was standing in front of me; he was wearing dark jeans and a black shirt with some text on it that I didn't bother to read; he was holding a cigarette on his right hand and had a black cap on the top of his head.

"Oh hey Johnny, what's up?" I asked trying to not let all of the feelings inside to take over my voice. "We're going out to drink, do you wanna join us or something?" he asked me before sucking his cigarette and filling the air again in the same smell from before; I breathed the smoke, this was the closest to smoking I've been in the past few years. I drink way too much for a singer I could not allow myself to smoke as well.

"Uhh we didn't call you because we thought you'd rather be at home" he added. He sounded like he was trying to give me excuses, to explain. He sounded like he felt bad or something. When I realized how much stuck in thoughts of nothing at all I was that I forgot to answer him I smiled, "Sure".

This was exactly what I needed at the moment, just to wash the pain away with some other shit. I was pretty thankful that he didn't ask what I was doing there; I seriously wouldn't know what to answer. We started to walk toward Brian's door but instead of going in Johnny leaned on the wall next to it. "I need to finish my smoke first" he explained, "Michelle is in a weird mood, she says it's ruining the air in the house or something" he shrugged and kept smoking.

We stayed outside the house few more minutes as he finished his cigarette. The mentioning of Michelle made me thing of her twin, obviously. And thinking of Val brought flashes to my head and all the feelings were back again. I couldn't take it, I hated it; I wanted to get away from there. To get the fuck away and alone. Just before Johnny finished his cigarette I mumbled something and went away, I didn't feel like going out with the guys now, I needed some time for myself; or my guilty self.

I got into the car and started driving away to wherever the car took me; wherever the memory took me. When I got to a bar I stopped and parked the car, I stayed in the car though. It was Jimmy's favorite bar; he'd always take us here when we're going out or if someone is down.

Just like earlier memories came to my head in flashes; this time the pictures changed very quickly and were almost too bright to see. All I knew was that I was here that night, after I talked to Brian. I couldn't understand what happened and couldn't remember anything but feelings; I felt pain. My head was about to explode. I swear I've never felt so much pain and usually I could handle physical pain easily but it was just too much.

For a few minutes, maybe an hour and maybe more, I was sitting in the car focusing and trying to get read of the pain; my eyes were closed as I tried to get rid of every thought that was related to that night. Eventually the pain faded away.

That was enough for one night, I need to go back home. I looked at the hour, it was nearly 1am. I started the car and started driving away; when I looked to my left to see that there are no cars coming I saw two people standing next to the entrance of the bar.

They were both wearing black, one of them had longer hair and the other one was taller. The guy with the hair was smoking as the other one talking to him. He nodded every now and then, not saying a word, letting the tall guy speak. The taller guy turned his face from the guy with the hair and looked right at me.

The blue eyes, the height, the neck tattoo; there was nowhere to be wrong. The two men were Brian and Jimmy. I quickly drove away from there, hoping they haven't noticed me. I was wondering if Jimmy could really see and recognize me, why wouldn't he be able to recognize me if I could recognize him? He was standing far though and it was the middle of the night which means dark outside. Yet, I saw them so clearly as if I was standing next to them on a sunny day. The thoughts made my head start to hurt again. Damn, stupid day. I just wanted to go back home to sleep; to sleep that day away.