Hate That I Love You

I had felt bad about hitting Bryan, but it was too late to apologize for the concert would have started by now.

I sat by myself, drowning in my own self pity. I picked up the closest thing to me, a pencil. The slender stick fitted perfectly in my hand. I reached over the table and grabbed a handful of paper from Robert’s stash. I began to draw on it, all my feelings, my guilt, would come out in the picture I drew. The pencil glided lightly over the paper, leaving vague marks of silver. I drew more vigorously, making the marks on the paper darker and indenting the paper further. My anger was reflected by the aggression I took out on the pencil.

My anger was too much, I threw the paper across the room, I didn’t like the picture anyway. It was too perfect. Again, I surrounded by that killing silence. A small fly killed the silence, buzzing around the empty beer cans. Lonely and isolated as I was, the fly ran circles around the cans, landing, and feeding from them.

The fly made me jealous. It could get what it wanted, but I couldn’t, I screwed everything up. I was amazed that the guys hadn’t chucked me out on the road yet.

I got up, sick of waiting and tired or sitting by myself. I stuffed my phone into my pocket and picked up my wallet on the way out. The spare key that dangled on my neck chain locked the bus door behind me. I slowly jay-walked over to the structure, in which a thousand or more fans were screaming the names of the band members. I had always dreamed of myself in this position, being able to travel and please people. But for me all I could do was style and cut hair, and even that wasn’t very pleasing.

The structure was huge, scaffolding held the place together. Every so often I would see the flashing of the lights that were held above the stage. I entered the back of the stage via a huge black curtain. I had a access ticket, so I was allowed anyway. When I approached the viewing dome at the back, I could only see arse. Which deterred me, but I didn’t mind it, I didn’t think much of it, honestly. I could establish who was who, not from their arses, but their hair. Bryan seemed unfazed by our argument, he was entirely concentrated on the instrument he was playing. But I could actually see his face, so I was only guessing.

The concert didn’t last all that long. The fans were screaming for more, throwing their hands into the air and bouncing to the faint, vanishing guitar chord.

“Thank you, San Francisco” Ronnie spoke into the microphone, throwing it down, and bowing. The band following closely behind. Then they all exited the stage.

“Guys, you were great…” said a stage manager, handing them each a bottle of water to cleanse themselves in, or drink it, whatever that preferred. They hadn’t seen me yet, I had my back turned to them, purposely. Ronnie had told me to stay at the bus.

“Oh! Rory’s back at the bus…. I said-” Ronnie was cut short, the stage manager cut him off.

“She’s right here.” He pointed directly at me. How did I know that? I could feel all of their eyes on me. In moments like these, I wish I was invisible. I turned to face them, my eyes barely meeting theirs.

“Heh….Hey!” I waved my hand not getting any higher than my waist.

“I though I said?” Ronnie started.

“I got really bored, and I haven’t seen yous play…”

I accidentally glanced over at Bryan, as I did our eyes met for a split second. Then he averted his eyes away, purposely.

“What did you think?” Max pushed Bryan to the back, eliminating him from the conversation and my sight.

“…Uh? Good, actually…” I sighed, shuffling my hands in my pockets, digging for nothing, pointlessly.

“Hahaha, you hear that Bryan!?” Max turned, only to be faced with a blank void.

“Bryan?!” he asked again, searching around him, his eyes averting in and out of the group, he finally figured Bryan had left.

“Where did he go?” he turned back to us, we all shook our heads or shrugged.

“I think he’s in a bad mood, he was upset… right after he left your room…” Robert pointed to me, his finger directly pointing at my nose.

Dammit, couldn’t I have privacy anymore?

“I-I-I didn’t do anything” I threw my hands up defensively.

“That’s not what he is saying…” Max sighed, walking away as well.

“I…uh?” the whole band, involved in their own lives, walked away from me again, leaving me to listen to that damned fly buzz around me again.

“Shoo!” I screamed, running towards the bus after the guys had gone to get lunch, or whatever they were doing.

The fly finally left me. I swear it had followed me out of that boring bus. Maybe it felt the same way I had. That’s funny, I’m back in the bus!?

I glanced around, realizing was alone in this place, I might have well just stayed in here, it didn’t do me any good walking outside anyway. I walked up the small space, past the ‘table’ and into the space where the bunks were situated. I walked past the bunks, naming each as I went.

“Ronnie…Max…Robert… and Bryan” I stopped at Bryans, hoping he would be in it. But unfortunately, when i pulled back the curtain I found the bed empty.

Damn…

I looked around again, even though I knew no one was there. I fell into Bryan’s bed, rubbing my face into the pillow, comfortably. It even smelt like him. The bed was really comfortable, I had almost fallen to sleep, that was, if some lazy prick hadn’t slammed the god damn bus door shut. I wasn’t game enough to still my head out the curtain, just in case they would see me, and I didn’t really want to explain why I was in Bryan’s bed. That could end badly.

I laid still for a while, not wanting to move incase my movements would cause some form of noise and attract their attention. Within a few minutes, they started shuffling again, and making weird noises, like crying or sniveling. I slowly got up out of the bunk, being so careful about making any noise. Once my feet touched the floor, I slowly stood up, stretching slowly, and creeping down the small hall. I finally could establish who it was, I was close enough to touch them, and they hadn’t heard me, or turned around yet. His blonde hair cascaded down his back, messed and tangled like an over grown vine strangling the life out of a tree.

I crept closer, within breathing distance. I could smell his hair; the sweet fruity aroma filled my nostrils and swimming through my system.

I was almost above him by now. His weeping had become less consistent, and he was talking to himself. He would occasionally weep, but not for very long.

Had I made him this upset?

It couldn’t have just been me?

I slowly brushed my hand over his shoulders, his warmth enveloping my hand. He jumped a little, but didn’t bother to turn around.

“Ronnie, stop playing with me, I don’t feel well.” He grumpily stated, swishing my hand away.

I leaned in closer, brushing hair away from his ear to whisper into it.

“I’m not Ronnie…”

He didn’t move. His body became still.

“What are you doing here, Rory?” he grabbed my hand that was placed over his shoulder. He didn’t sweep it away this time.

“I was resting.” I whispered, starting to massage his shoulders. This hair occasionally swept across my fingers. The light whispers sending jolts of energy surging through my body.

“Please, go…” he asked. Pushing my hands away again, but failed. My hands were securely plastered to his shoulders.

“No… I did this, ill fix it.” I massaged harder.

“You didn’t do anything, please, I need you to go.”

“No… I’m staying, who else will I hang with?”

The flesh on his neck was tender and smooth, I had cravings to kiss it. The smooth skin reminded me of my first ever velvet shirt. It hugged my body nicely, It was warm and I felt good whenever I wore it.

“You have to go….” He turned to me this time, and pushed my harshly. My body flung back into the bench behind me, knocking a glass of water onto the floor. I looked at it before glancing back at Bryan. His eyes still filled with sadness.

“What was that for?” I asked, still leaning on the bench, afraid to get any closer. Just in case I end up like the broken glass on the floor. Dead.

“I said go away… now please?” he pointed to the door.

I glanced at the door. A noise rattled from the door. I glanced back at Bryan, he obviously know who it was. That’s why he wanted me to leave, he was expecting company.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

He just shrugged.

The figure let themselves in. I stood in shock.

So this is why Bryan wanted me to leave?

She stood at the door way, fishnets covering her thighs, a short shirt barely covering her underwear. Her shirt was torn in certain places, and made her breasts stand out. Her hair was matted, which pretty much resembled the state of her dress sense.

She was a whore!?

I looked back at Bryan, who didn’t look back at me.

“Bryan, right?” she asked.

Tears streamed down my face, I couldn’t control them. My heart broke for about the 16th time today. It fell into my stomach and fizzed in the stomach gases.

I couldn’t stay. I pushed the whore out of the door way and ran. Hearing Bryan’s cries fade and disappear.

….I ran fast.